Okay, seriously.Four black guys walk into a bar, and two of them are gay, and two of them are women [making them irrelevant; may as well have not been there]. And sadly none of them are attracted to me. So they drink their beers and I hand them a bill. One of the guys looks down at his bill, back up at me – and sneering, he looks down at the bill again. He finally said, “Is that all you’re charging me to sit here and look at your beautiful ass all night?”
Dumbfounded and slightly flattered, I took the ticket back from him, and gave him five bucks. Said, “Keep the change,” bought him his drinks, and asked him to never, ever, come back in here again, because this ain’t no gay bar.
“This is the Boy Scouts of America,” I told him, “And we only serve STRAIGHTS.”
The Boy Scouts of America is a hetersosexual affair and do not endorse this anti-gay message.
I won the Red Badge of Courage, for not crying as they made me bleed.
Borrowing a classic move from The Internet Chronicle, the U.S. State Department is funding an initiative dubbed “Viral Peace,” which aims to “troll” online extremists out of positions of respect and power.
Led by Shahed Amanullah, Viral Peace uses “logic, humor, satire, [and] religious arguments, not just to confront [extremists], but to undermine and demoralize them.”
Expert extremist troll Kilgore Trout was reached for comment.
These extremists, they’re all the same. They get up on their soapbox and say whatever it takes to get people over on their side, and the shit they say, it’s as stupid as it gets. In any zone where they can be challenged, they MUST be challenged, not because they are right or wrong, but because they are DUMB.
Insiders at the State Department revealed that this entire project was inspired by Kilgore Trout’s trolling of AnonNews.com, a site where dumbass 12-year-olds explained their own twisted, absurd and uninformed meanings for Anarchy and Anonymous.
Trout is recognized as the world’s leading expert in this field, and is currently seeking a high-paying job advising Viral Peace on proven strategies.
Reverend Ivan Stang’s secret lineage revealed by Lebal Drocer Investigative Journalists!
CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OHIO – Reverend Ivan Stang, also known as Doug Smith, founded the cult of “Bob,” a “satiric” “parody” (?) religion that has spawned thousands (?) of imitators (?) descended directly from Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism and snake oil religion salesman. A 95-year-old man who once knew someone who knew Joseph Smith revealed that Doug Smith’s long-form birth certificate was in fact a forgery, and the damning paperwork was quickly found by researchers at the Lebal Drocer Institute for Hate and Jealousy.
“Bob” Dobbs was reached for comment and he just smiled like he always does, mocking SubGenius supporters of Mitt Romney for repeating the same joke over and over. Meanwhile, researchers at Lebal Drocer realized that they were “at least” the hundredth or so opposition group to accuse Stang of descending from Joseph Smith.
Lebal Drocer refused to comment, but executives wrote anonymous blog posts and used Twitter sockpuppets to congratulate themselves on their own irony. “It’s like orthodoxy is a heresy when orthodoxy is the only heresy, and heresy is cool,” one tweet read. “We are hoping to destroy the very concept of irony by applying it AFTER the fact, like bad liars,” read another. As usual, Stang’s sockpuppet cultists fired back with terrifying jokes that no sane person would ever be afraid of but nonetheless found horrific anyway regardless as a matter of course.
These “sophisticated” chronic whining fits inspired Stang to write a sequel to the Book of Mormon, or something, rather than waste his days away looking at the reincarnations of the most karmically depraved living out their lives as single-celled organisms he lovingly calls “animalcules.” “Yes, we just don’t find that stuff very interesting or funny,” said one jealous reject from the secret True hidden SubGenius newsgroup.
In response, Lebal Drocer Industries has been hard at work developing a microscope that directly observes viruses destroying Stang’s beloved animalcules at the molecular level. Only the worst of people, like “Bob,” may be reborn as viruses, which explains the rise of HIV after “Bob” was killed back in the ’80s. With a cure for AIDS on the horizon, the rebirth of “Bob” is at hand. Only one thing is certain in these trying times, and that is we are absolutely certain these times are trying too hard.
DENVER, COLO. — Americans were excited today about reports deep within the bowels of the Romney campaign that the former Massachusetts governor is ready to go after President Obama’s use of marawana and cocaine as a teenager.
“I mean, this is a guy who admitted to cocaine use,” says a Romney adviser to Buzzfeed, “had a sweetheart deal with his house in Chicago, and was associated and worked with Rod Blagojevich to get Valerie Jarrett appointed to the Senate,” adding, “The bottom line is there’ll be counterattacks.”
President Obama has made a point of discussing his own history of using cocaine, which he refers to by its crass street name of “blow;” as well as his inhaling the vapours of the ever-popular devil weed itself. His popular autobiography, “The Audacity of Hope,” whose sales are his primary source of income — second only to “cash money” reportedly obtained selling automatic firearms to Mexican drug cartels — is a book basically about how the 44th president of the United States loved using drugs. President Obama has met desperate, repeated online pleas he legalize recreational cannabis use with guffaws and denials that he would act to liberate from a kyriarchy the American people, now arbitrarily incarcerated at rates unrivaled in the developed world.
Despite many reports, including out of Forbes magazine, that Portugal’s drug legalization policy has decimated that country’s drug abuse, Gil Kerlikowski, head of the Office of National Drug Control Policy, has stated that legalization does not combat the ills of illicit drug use. And last month, before Congress, the head of the Drug Enforcement Agency, Michele Leonhart, reiterated her administration’s commitment to utter hysteria and lack of focus on a public health crisis.
Before finally admitting, after much pressure, that heroin was more addictive than cannabis, Ms. Leonhart first characterized the matter of whether heroin is worse for an individual’s health than cannabis as “subjective.” This admission followed deliberately dishonest exchanges with Democratic Representative Jared Polis of Colorado:
REPRESENTATIVE JARED POLIS (D-CO): Is crack [a street name for free-based cocaine – ed] worse for a person than marijuana?
MICHELE LEONHART: I believe all illegal drugs are bad.
REP. POLIS: Is methamphetamine worse for somebody’s health than marijuana?
MS. LEONHART: I don’t think any illegal drug is good for —
REP. POLIS: Is heroin worse for someone’s health than marijuana?
MS. LEONHART: Again, all [sic] the drugs, they are illegal.
The administration’s enforcement strategies square well with the Romney campaign’s assessment of the president pro-drug attitudes, the unmistakable products of hedonistic, if-it-feels-good-do-it ’60s culture. Meanwhile the deputy director of NORML, a shady druggie front group, longs for the good old days under President George Bush when Californian sludge distributors operating under the guise of “medical clinics” “helping people in pain” could operate with relative impunity, writing this week, “Many of California’s most prominent and well-respected medical cannabis dispensaries and related facilities — including Oaksterdam University, Berkeley Patients Group, and Harborside Health Center (HHC) — flourished under the George W. Bush administration. But they’ll be lucky to survive President Barack Obama’s first term.”
Medical health professionals consulted off-the-record by The Internet Chronicle speculate that President Obama’s laser obsession with his administration’s present drug enforcement strategies is likely the result of the delusion and vigor associated, they say, “unmistakably” with cocaine psychosis.
After bragging to high school students in December of 2007 about how cool drugs are, then Senator Obama became the focus of the popular prohibitionist scrutiny. Obama’s candor with students came on the heels of the leak of an audiotape of President George W. Bush citing a responsibility to America’s youth to prevaricate about his own drug use — not to protect his own career, of course, but to shield them from the enormous influence the president of the United States has had on American teenagers since the Founding Fathers.
Years ago the Romney campaign pounced on the opportunity to praise President Bush’s bold, private confession to smoking weed. Mr. Romney said then, “He said when he was young and irresponsible, he was young and irresponsible, and he left it at that. And I think that in order to leave the best possible example for our kids, we’re probably wisest not to talk about our own indiscretions in great detail.”
Mr. Romney’s strategy is “simple yet elegant,” says Political Science Professor Alan Abramowitz of Emory University, adding, “It allows the candidate to bask in the veneer of family values while remaining duplicitous about that bottle of Coca-Cola he is rumored to have enjoyed, covertly, while on missionary work in France on behalf of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”
I watched “Prometheus” and found it amazing. I can’t enjoy a movie unless I can piece the plot together and understand the motivations of all the characters. A filmmaker really needs to exaggerate these things so I don’t miss little hints and thematic details that might clue me in because I’m a total idiot. That was the problem with “Alien,” but “Prometheus” really laid it on thick, so I could enjoy the two-dimensional characters more.
I was expecting a strong female lead like Ripley from “Alien,” but instead I got an “Ancient Aliens” kook with faith in Space Jesus or something. I’m an atheist, and the cross she wore offended me. Deeply. The lead female, played by Noomi Rapace, was too interesting and mysterious. I’m much more into female leads that act exactly like males and don’t heroically give themselves abortions on machines designed for men only. This was the only flaw in Prometheus.
When I go to a movie, I also expect extremely subtle attention to detail, especially scientific fact, because I know exactly what an interstellar spaceship would be like and the ship in “Alien” was NOT it. I could spend all day picking out the scientific inconsistencies of “Alien” and get more enjoyment from that than I did the movie itself. I don’t want to have to suspend my disbelief, it’s too much work. Nothing was scientifically wrong with “Prometheus!” Like every film made in 2012, it reflects the fact that this is the future and we know exactly how space travel would work.
When they discovered the alien life in “Prometheus,” I really enjoyed how everyone jumped around and yelled like maniacs, because that’s what people do when they make huge scientific discoveries. In “Alien,” when Ripley is running down the hallway, that was so fake. No one would ever do that when being chased by an alien! Ripley should have been screaming at the top of her lungs! The audience really needs to know what’s going on inside characters, and that means huge exaggeration because we’re idiots.
I really didn’t understand the deep themes in “Alien” because I was too busy trying to figure out what the characters’ motivations were. All the absurd over-the-top explaining that went on in “Prometheus” was great, because it gave me a window into the relationship between a creator whose creation has become more powerful. A lot of people say it didn’t make sense that the Engineers would want to destroy Earth after they created it, or that they’d leave hints about where their big stash of “weaponized” organisms were. To me, it couldn’t have been more obvious. The Engineers are so far above our level of intelligence that we can’t possibly understand their purpose and this theme was driven home with so little doubt left for interpretation that it was almost too obvious. But I’m glad the filmmakers made everything so easy to follow and more scientifically consistent than “Alien,” because that’s all I really care about.
Occupiers at the National Gathering have finally unveiled a so-called “Big Plan” of Direct Action against the Finance Monopoly Capitalists they so naively call the %1. This is direct action that actually matters!
Territoria is an entire world of vacant buildings held hostage by Finance Capitalists as collateral for their increasingly risky and insane investments in war machines. They’ve made an entire industry on the whole premise that your grandmother can’t pay her mortgage! Rather than camping in parks as part of a pointless exercise in drawing media attention from the masses, Occupy Territoria confronts this struggle head on!
Up till now, the struggle has been symbolic, a simulation of a revolution in what is an entirely stable culture under the iron grip of the hegemonic Finance Monopoly Capitalists they so childishly call the %1! By some magic, the camps in city parks, a terrible place to be, will somehow spread across the nation as an idyllic new haven for culture and economic justice. THIS WAS A LIE! OCCUPY HAS FAILED!
BUT NO MORE!!! Join Occupy Territoria today and we can provide you with maps of abandoned buildings owned by Finance Monopoly Capitalists, which are yours by right of the Occupy National Gathering’s Declaration of Interdependence!!!! Camp in buildings with no utilities! Move to the country! Move to the city! When the cops come, livestream it and get a new place! Territoria is ours! FOREVER!
Oh, but it won’t be easy. Territoria will use the model set forth by Occupy to settle all disputes–especially rape and murder–internally. Entire corporate farms will be taken over, and air-tight chambers will keep the pollen of Monsanto’s devil genepoison from crossing with purebred seeds bought straight from Lebal Drocer’s food insurance seed bank in Antarctica–at a special rate for card-carrying citizens of Territoria. Eventually, everyone will join the new Near-Utopia nation of Territoria, the world’s first global nation. Paid for and sponsored by the 1%.
Remember, the first rule of Territoria is do not talk about Territoria (Until you’re being “evicted,” of course!)
Until now, the Big Plan, as it is known to insiders, has been kept out of sight by the alternative secret organization within Occupy. Fed up with the wasteful mind control that is the Human Microphone and General Assembly model, the more intelligent among Occupy formed a powerful organization, which had to be hid from mainstream Occupiers who vehemently oppose any forms of organization. You may know them as the Occulati, and they do not believe in solidarity. Some say they were sent in by the 1%, others say they are agents from the Illuminati, others don’t really know the difference to begin with and just hate that they livestream Black Bloc.
THIS IS MONOPOLY ANARCHY! WE HAVE CORNERED THE MARKET. JOIN TERRITORIA TODAY. BECOME A TRUE ANARCHIST.
Former porn star Harmony Rose is volunteering as an EMT for the Cave Spring Rescue Squad in Roanoke, VA. While covering the controversy that her new post has stirred, WDBJ reporter Justin McLeod pointed out that the rescue squad has probably never had a volunteer like 29-year-old Harmony Rose. “She’s a former porn star,” he said, “Just Google her name and you’ll find hundreds of pornographic videos of hers.”
Roanoke County leaders in collusion with executives at WDBJ7 have seemingly manufactured a smear campaign against EMT volunteer Tracy Rolan. This depraved lapse in Journalistic ethics has created a “legitimate” reason to remove Rolan from the rescue squad. County Attorney Paul Mahoney has implied that the former sex worker may not be capable of maintaining “trustworthiness” or “public esteem,” and that he would support the firing of Rolan only if it caused embarrassment for local emergency response workers, as this manufactured “controversy” was designed to do.
It seems clear that Justin McLeod has no respect for women, journalism, or the Emergency Response workers of Roanoke County. Instead of informative local news, Roanoke is left with this scumfuck tabloid rubbish which failed to even name Rolan, reducing her from a human into an objectified persona created only for porn.
In response to the manufactured “controversy,” WDBJ7 has removed the suggestion to google Rolan’s porn videos. Insiders from Burlington Coat Factory report that within WDBJ7, the issue has not been mentioned by managers, and totally “swept under the rug.”
Last Summer reporter Holly Pietrzak of WDBJ7 accidentally uttered the word “fuck” on television and, according to an anonymous source, was quickly suspended for several days. According to a statement made on Roanoke.com, “Pietrzak, who has been a reporter and weekend anchorwoman at the station since 2005, apologized at the end of the broadcast. She deferred all comment to Marks, who said that she won’t face any disciplinary action.” Lies! This disgusting attitude towards women and truth has come to be business as usual for the scum-sucking liars at the world’s worst local news station, WDBJ7.
“I don’t see what the big deal is! It’s not like she was doing interracial.” ~ Area resident, Monty Parche
Our anonymous source from Burlington Coat Factory has also stated that Justin McLeod, hatemongering writer of this sexist smear, faces no disciplinary action, nor does Dan Dennison, News Director.
Floods of prank 911 calls from the Cave Spring area, mostly residents allegedly suffering “priapism,” have caused delays for emergency workers. Tracy Rolan has not yet made comment, however, but if there is any justice, she will sue the everliving hell out of WDBJ7.