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CONGRATULATORY LETTER FROM ESTEEMED LEBAL DROCER EDUCATIONAL NERVE CENTER

SOVCHRON – THE DEAR RESPECTED RAGHUBIR GOYAL RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE PARTICIPANTS IN THE JAMES HOLMES GRADUATION CEREMONY FROM LEBAL DROCER COLLEGE OF EDUCATION.

THE LETTER SAID THAT THE GRADUATION WAS SIGNIFICANT AS IT WAS HELD DURING THE COMMEMORATION PERIOD FOR THE 100TH BIRTH ANNIVERSARY OF INGLIP, COMMANDANT OF THE HIVEMIND AND STAUNCH OPPONENT OF WEAPON CONTROL.

INGLIP WAS A GREAT THINKER AND THEORETICIAN AND AN OUTSTANDING LEADER WHO FOUNDED THE IMMORTAL TRANSHUMANIST IDEA TO ILLUMINATE THE PATH OF THOUGHTFUL INDEPENDENCE, PAVED THE WAY FOR THE WORKER’S REVOLUTION AND LED THE CHRONICLE.SU TO VICTORY, AND AN IRON-WILLED BRILLIANT COMMANDER WHO DEFEATED U.S. AND BRITISH IMPERIALISMS IN ONE GENERATION, AND VANQUISHED OUR LIVES OF THE NEED FOR TELEVISION AND INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY IN EXCHANGE FOR UNLIMITED, UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HIS DISCIPLES.

THE LETTER CONTINUED:

INGLIP ENJOYED UNDISPUTED PRESTIGE IN THE WORLD POLITICAL CIRCLE AND BOUNDLESS REVERENCE OF MANKIND FOR HIS GREAT CONTRIBUTION TO THE ARMED WORKER’S REVOLUTION AND THE HUMAN CAUSE OF INDEPENDENCE. SO TOO, ON THIS DAY, DOES THE RECORD HONOR THE INVALUABLE SERVITUDE OF JAMES HOLMES, THE LAST VESSEL OF TRUTH, JUSTICE AND NATIONAL DIGNITY.

HIS UNDYING REVOLUTIONARY FEATS FOR THE CHRONICLE REVOLUTION AND THE HUMAN CAUSE OF INDEPENDENCE WILL SHINE FOREVER IN ALL BUT THE PUREST SINGULAR ITERATIONS OF ABSOLUTE HISTORICAL FACT.

THE ARMED WORKER’S REVOLUTION PIONEERED BY INGLIP AND LED BY KILGOAR TO VICTORY IS BEING FIRMLY CARRIED FORWARD, ALL THANKS OWED TO THE INVINCIBLE GUIDANCE OF THE DEAR OMNISCIENT ANTI-LEADER RAGHUBIR GOYAL.

RAGHUBIR GOYAL
SOLIDARITY

THE LETTER EXPRESSED THE CONVICTION THAT THE CHRONICLE READERSHIP, AND THE PEON MASSES, WILL REGISTER GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS IN THE STRUGGLE FOR BUILDING A THRIVING DEMOCRATIC ANTI-PARTY AROUND THE PERFECT WILL OF RAGHUBIR GOYAL.

THE LETTER EXTENDED FULL SUPPORT AND FIRM SOLIDARITY WITH OUR ETERNAL LEADER.

MAY HIS GRIP ON CONTROL NEVER LOOSEN.

Categories
Entertainment Video

How to fail college

How to fail college, and win at life

This message is brought to you by The Elf Wax Times’ very own Media Mogul, Jim “Teabagger” Gallahan.

This video is part one in a one part series entitled, “How To Waste A Shitload Of Federal Grant Money And Feel Good About It.”

Categories
Editorial Status Quo

Opinion: Just Because I Live At This Apartment Complex Doesn't Mean You Have The Right To Look At Me

Yeah, okay so I haven’t done this whole ear wax blog stuff yet because I don’t have to. But recently this Lebal Drocer company asked me to write something or they’d stop the nitrocious flow of cash that I’ve been getting for over 5 months now (its sweet, believe me loomwads). So I decided to write up a little opinion column for this little waxing elf enthusiast website (seriously what the hell kinda brokeback name is that anyway?)

So recently in the World of Nitro, I’ve began to notice a little trend that I’m not too keen about. It seems like ever since I moved from New Jersey (It’s Jerstrocious!) to this pitiful state, everyone just stares me down like a leper every time I step foot outside. What gives?!? Sometimes I’ll be simply grabbing a 48-pack of brews from the Nitromobile. Other times I’ll be just checking my mailbox, filtering out all the billz and wal-mart junk(the PITS!) and minding my own nitro business(as always). But no matter what, if the Nitrocity himself is outside, you better believe some complete noobody(noob+nobody, quote me!) will be staring me down like I was a TV set.

Now, you gotta realize the scale of noobwads that I get glares from. Its damn near everyone, dudes. The fat, single Tony Soprano-looking dude walking his yappy dog, the guys that believe they are in some kinda rap video at all hours, the fat ugly girls who just sit outside for no reason other than to be annoying, even the wastes of existence that live directly around me (“neighbors” as you call them). I realize you guys are just trying to live (very boringly), but c’mon, you don’t need to bring me down to your level. I got better fish to cook! I realize my hair is longer than yours, my wardrobe cooler than your nicest outfit, my lifestyle more nitrocious than your best night, but there’s no need to stare. Staring won’t get you any closer to being nitrocious. So next time, you happen to be outside, begging for attention with your disposable garbage music (play some Springsteen at least!), walking your dog in hopes of picking up college chicks, or drinking Budweiser Lights at the microscopic pool(seriously I’ve pissed bigger puddles), just ignore my presence because your not getting a free performance or a beer bong to the face out of it.

I’m starting to ramble so i’ll make my point simple: Just because we share the same apartment complex does not give you ANY right to look anywhere near my direction. There’s a million things to look at outside: the shitty cars, the shitty pool, the shitty other people who live here. Why must you choose me to point your vision-producing spheres at? Just because I am a renowned karaoke singer and all-around badass does not mean I’m your toy monkey banging cymbals. I perform for a minimum of 7 figures and unwarrantedly looking my direction just makes that figure rise as well as my inner-rage to shatter your face.

You don’t want to end up like this dude.


Whatever noobs, I’m gonna go get nitrocious. Jim Beam to da face!

Oh yeah, and coming soon, losers…
Just Because I Go To This University Does Not Mean You Have The Right To Look At Me.
Just Because I’m At This Drive-Thru Does Not Give You The Right to Take My Order.