Everett, Wash.–An Everett-area ginger kid died Monday from suffocation after being buried alive by his playmates in a backyard sandbox.
Mainstream media implies that the cartoon Naruto “may be to blame” without citing any actual evidence as such, and without acknowledging that this 10-year-old boy may have never been taught or intuited on his own that people can not breathe under sand, which is almost always composed of millions of very small grains of sediment and rock.
In an interview conducted by a shoddy corporate-owned local newspaper with no allegiance to the truth or decency, Cody’s family members described him as imaginative and smart, despite the fact that he just died from being buried under a foot of sand.
Sensitive readers are asked to read the following with caution: Codey’s half-brother, Josh Quantrille describes the gruesome details of how little Codey’s death-scheme came to fruition. “They watch a cartoon where there were like sandmasters or something. They can manipulate sand or something like that,” said Quantrille. “He came up with an idea if he were to do this, then he would be able to be one of them. They’re all under 10, so a pretty crazy imagination, you know. They were like hey, OK.”
Josh Quantrille, 30, said the boy was “Really articulate. He’s got a really good imagination too. He’s just not a regular 10-year-old.” Unfortunately, Cody’s imagination failed him Saturday morning when he did not imagine himself standing up out of the sand as it was pouring into every hole in his little face and he could no longer breathe, see or swallow.
Everett, a small, hick abscess of a community located in what would otherwise be a beautiful Washington countryside has lost its brightest upcoming citizen and many of the area’s parents are too stupid and inbred to know how to talk to their own children about it.
That is why Patricia Gauksheim, the principal of Silver Firs Elementary School has sent a letter home so that parents could be informed and prepared for the upcoming precarious talks with their persistently inquisitive children. “It’s a well-known fact that children who ask questions are children who don’t get buried headfirst under sand,” she said, “so we want parents to be armed with knowledge to salvage what scrapple is left at the bottom of the class.” Those quotes are fabricated, because the truth makes this paragraph funnier. It should be noted that this same principal also described Codey as “bright” with “a lot of friends” – friends who, when Codey began thrashing about from asphyxiation, laughed and assumed he was “just playin’.” The contents of the letter, burdened with typos and fart-jokes, vaguely describe what happened to Codey yesterday and how to talk to the children about it. Nevermind the fact that the children will be taking the letter home themselves, in their own hands.
One parent is quoted as saying, “I have a third grader at home, so he’s going to come home with some information. So certainly, the need to edit, filter, and hear what he thinks about what he heard is important.” Of course. Because without dedicated parents like this one, children may grow up to think for themselves, thereby doubling the effects of this ginger tragedy.
The school has reported the establishment of a grief-counseling center to help children and teachers alike get over the fact that they knew someone so ignorant as Codey, the Sandmaster.
The Porter family has come to terms with the notion that the only valuable aspect to Codey’s biological spawning into this cruel, sandy world was the usefulness of his organs so they are giving them away to more intelligent people who deserve to prosper. His little, freckled body is being pillaged for kidneys, eyeballs, a heart and a liver as you read this.
The money-grubbing Porter family has also established a “Memorial Fund” for the boy set up through, you guessed it: a church. We won’t bother you with links and names, because religion is a sham and a crutch for the weak-minded, much like the supposed necessity of a memorial fund for a boy who died such an unforgettable death.
Besides, certain internet groups have already attached to this and are hitting them full force with prank calls, sandmaster jokes, emails, and letters of indignation.