Legendary columnist Old Brutus of the Internet Chronicle exploded with Rage Friday after investors pulled funding to the popular underground hatesite. His alcohol fueled blackout comes on the heels of reports “not even children were reading” his publications, according to information leaked by a Thursday hack against chronicle.su webservers.
Brutus reportedly knocked a hole in his office wall with the butt of a rifle after drinking himself into a racist stupor.
“Young kids just don’t like double-nigger-penetration anymore,” said Brutus. “They’re only satisfied if the girl is throwing up, crying, shitting herself – or doing everything at the same time; like this.” Brutus proceeded to soil himself, and vomited blood onto his trousers before crying himself to sleep in the arms of staff writer Frank Mason.
Mason said Brutus will sleep for a few hours but ultimately repeat the cycle of abuse and self-loathing. “But he’ll wake up some time tonight and remember why it hurts, then he’ll start drinking again. All Brutus feels is a spectrum of pain. His eyes have grown icy, lifeless. The only thing left in his emotional toolkit is abuse.”
Insider reports suggest no amount of death hoaxes or falsified celebrity nudes could possibly bring the Internet Chronicle into the end of the next fiscal year. The FY will bring crippling debt that makes suicide appear to be the only promising option left in the Chronicle vocabulary. Brutus has threatened suicide on multiple occasions, but as bill collectors and hosting dues draw near, sources claim the suicide threats have increased in frequency.
Mason said he expects “a brief return to his old self again” in the early afternoon, when Brutus usually wakes up and begins a campaign of starvation-enhanced Civilization V domination.
INTERNET — In a show of solidarity with Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, Anonymous hackers targeted and infiltrated infamous FEMA camp servers. FEMA camps imprisoned millions of Japanese citizens in the last century, and some believe the camps are part of a contingency plan which will be used for population control in the possible event of famine or pandemic.
“They’re doing everything conspiracy theorists have feared. There are chemical incinerators that can liquefy thousands of bodies in hours and plastic coffins to contain the liquid remains. FEMA camps are hundreds of thousands times more efficient than the concentration camps of the Nazis.” said one Anonymous hacker.
Information acquired by Anonymous includes the names and email passwords of guilty FEMA employees and contractors, and Anonymous hackers will likely exploit these maximally to explore related computer systems, as they did after gaining access to HBGary. In the past, Anonymous has stolen money using similar tactics, targeting the especially villainous with endless pizza deliveries.
When he’s not out fighting the panoptic gaze of the government with Edward Snowden, Glenn Greenwald, the Internet’s best mirror-image of Rush Limbaugh, spends much of his time starting feuds with other journalists. He’s incredible at winning arguments partially due to his looming influence but is also excellent at a “death by a thousand cuts” tactic, in which he focuses his lawyer powers on minutia instead of a more general debate.
For better or for worse, organizations like WikiLeaks and guys like Glenn Greenwald are going to claim that they’re journalists and purposefully insert opinions, exaggerations, and fearmongerings. It’s the same magic formula used by Glenn Beck, Fox News, and Alex Jones. Leakers go to guys like Greenwald all the time. Everyone does it, so it’s really no big deal. It doesn’t make me mad anymore. I’m totally over it.
What’s bothering me now is that Glenn Greenwald has been half-assing it. Maybe he thinks he’s finally won Twitter and no longer has to try.
Glenn Greenwald’s top 3 terrible clichés
1: “America should be on its knees every day begging.”
I Wanna Be Your Dog, by Iggy and the Stooges, is written with much more color.
2. “Lying to our faces”
Our precious faces are on the line, now that the NSA’s lies have been confirmed by Greenwald’s gaydar. Hide your faces from the lies.
3. “That’s not a threat. Those are facts,” Greenwald typed angrily, with his face drawn in malice.
MOSCOW — According to documents provided by Edward Snowden, a fleet of undercover prototype cars equipped with long-range neuroimaging sensors have been deployed by the NSA for initial testing. Each night, these cars carve carefully planned routes through urban and suburban centers, collecting detailed brain scans of sleeping citizens.
Snowden, from the Sheremetyevo airport, spoke with Internet Chronicle reporters, warning, “The NSA can determine whether your dreams indicate a subversive mindset, but they’re not yet at the point where this technology can interpret specific images or words. It’s still being tested, and it promises to be the most powerful tool yet for spying on American citizens. In dreams, people cannot censor themselves like they can while awake, so the NSA hopes this will help unravel even the most carefully hidden terror attacks.”
The long-range neuroimaging device works by focusing an intense beam of X-rays on the human brain, which is located by a specially tuned radar system. Pets and other animals are filtered out by a sophisticated computer system, and Snowden believes that the people tasked with driving these undercover neuroimaging vehicles may have no idea what they’re a part of, as the process is completely automated.
Google recently came under fire for a similar program, which collected information from wifi networks while allegedly photographing data for Google maps.
MOSCOW, Soviet Union — Edward Snowden, NSA leaker and expert hacker, sold four laptops full of the most secret documents containing, among much else, UFO technology and ocean-floor nuclear facility designs. The KGB, the Soviet Union’s premier security agency, paid Snowden $10 billion.
Capitalist leaders continue to lie in the faces of their wage slaves, who remain distracted by Capitalist media’s expert commodification of a backwards racial caste system, which has been in place for centuries.
The seafloor nuclear base plans have been hidden inside a micro-drone entrusted to Anna Chapman, the most famous female KGB agent from the USSR. She is romantically involved with Snowden, who has quickly forsaken his Capitalist family of Pigs and even accepted a hacking job with the KGB. Comrade Putin was overjoyed and used the “red telephone” to gloat to the effeminate President Barry “Barack” Obama and crack jokes at his expense.
Snowden’s UFO technology allowed Soviet scientists to quickly adapt SU-35 fighter jets for submarine operation. By analyzing the plans of American ocean-floor nuclear facilities, a single torpedo fired from an adapted SU-35 destroyed Capitalism’s greatest weapon.
SANFORD, Fla. – In possibly one of the most riveting and important events of our lifetime, a man known as George Zimmerman is caught in the middle of a racial divide that once never existed in our great country. Zimmerman is charged with committing second-degree murder and manslaughter, and as the jury is in deliberation, Snowden drops the bomb on what actually happened to young Trayvon Martin that one terrible night.
Snowden, a devout conservative and Ron Paul supporter, took to his Moscow Airport podium earlier today to give the world a treat. The treat of truth and justice. Snowden explained – using a series of PowerPoint slides – that there was, in fact, a second shooter that took Trayvon to his grave.
Trayvon, according to Snowden, was actually a part of the Cyber Command/Lockheed Martin censorship regime violating Americans’ constitutional rights, covering up cell tower electromagnetic weapon assaults on citizens. He goes further to even call Trayvon a “lame psy-op, perpetrating the worst social manipulation and mind-control games in the history of the United States.”
It is Snowden’s belief that Trayvon was put down for trying to “get out of the game.” From what we can see from one of Snowden’s slides, he offers irrefutable proof that George Zimmerman is completely innocent on all counts.
This bombshell of a leak comes at a very critical time in the Zimmerman trial, as now the jury must find Zimmerman not guilty.
INTERNET – The NSA held a press conference Friday, sending a stern warning to Congress about a new epidemic of computer generated child porn. “Because no children are harmed in the making of a computer generated video,” said a masked NSA spokesperson, “it does not therefore mean children will not be indirectly harmed by these videos.”
The NSA spokesperson repeatedly quoted serial killer Ted Bundy throughout the terrifying conference. He said, “Perhaps Ted Bundy said it best when he said, ‘I would keep looking for more potent, more explicit, more graphic kinds of material. Until you reach a point where the pornography only goes so far … where you begin to wonder if maybe actually doing it would give that which is beyond just reading it or looking at it.’ Here at the NSA, we believe this type of CGI porn is, as Ted Bundy once warned, going to send kids ‘down the road to being Ted Bundys.'”
“The CGI child porn is so widespread,” said the spokesperson, “that it is watched more than any other kind of porn and now comprises 40 percent of all porn viewed on the entire Internet.” During a slideshow at the press conference, the room fell deadly silent as stills from CGI child porn were shown (with ersatz genitals and prepubescent female chests fully censored). These images included scenes where orc-like monsters and wolves, rendered with the same reality as any creature in “Twilight” or “Lord of the Rings,” raped perfectly real looking children with cartoonish expressions of anguish and fear.
“The NSA will now be using its hardware, which has been inserted into every major hub of the Internet, to remove this pernicious menace not only from the United States’ networks, but from the entire Internet,” declared the spokesperson, “and the NSA will not be fielding any questions at this time.”
MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden has revealed Iraqi President Saddam Hussein gave the order for the controlled demolition of World Trade Center 7 on September 11, 2001. Able to access the electronic communications of anyone, the elite hacker-fugitive is changing the very shape of history by leaking 9/11 truth.
For years before 9/11, Hussein had been plotting an attack on the World Trade Center site. According to documents released Saturday by Snowden, Hussein was unaware that the al-Qaeda terrorist organization had been plotting a parallel, and much more ambitious, attack of its own. On the morning of 9/11, once he noticed the success of bin Laden’s attack, Hussein quickly gave the go-ahead for his own military strike, even though it was originally planned for a date weeks later.
Snowden shared internal emails between the Central Intelligence Agency and the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST). The emails discuss how the Iraqi Republican Guard broke into WTC 7 in August 2001. Then the elite Iraqi unit, who swore allegiance directly to the Iraqi dictator, proceeded to plant hundreds of pounds of conventional explosives, in addition to a highly reactive compound called “nano-thermite,” on the building’s superstructure.
Hundreds of pages of correspondence by senior Bush administration officials, which Snowden has provided, indicate that NIST was little more than the government’s propaganda arm. Former Vice President Cheney ordered NIST to cover up the truth about 9/11, he wrote in December 2001, “even if it means making it look like we did it.”
NIST and the CIA appear to have had knowledge of Hussein’s hand from as early as November 2001.
“Orders came down to NIST to put a clamp-down on their discovery of Iraq-linked nano-thermite in the molten-hot debris,” said Snowden. He added, “It’s basically the same thing they do all the time to the global warming studies on behalf of the oil companies.”
While most Americans understand the terrorists who guided the ill-fated planes that day to have been Saudi Arabian, Egyptian, Lebanese and Emiratee, Snowden’s revelation that the Iraq War was not waged simply to seize Iraqis’ oil is likely to surprise many.
“It wasn’t just about the genocidal machinations of Christian crusader Zionists,” said Snowden in his suite at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel. “In order to help the [Federal Bureau of Investigation] save some face, [former National Security Adviser Condoleezza] Rice and Cheney decided that a slip-up of that magnitude would lead to the firing of too many political appointees. So they squelched the story. Their cronies in the criminal mainstream media played along, or” – Snowden made a “double tap” gesture of firing a gun into the brain and the heart.
Those assassinations, he said, happened “whenever somebody got ‘too close to the sun,’ as White House officials called it in code. Often that necessitated their taking drastic steps – the persecutions of [9/11 scholar] Chris Bollyn and [9/11 journalist] Amy Goodman, the assassinations of [9/11 scholar] Phillip Marshall and [9/11 whistleblower] Barry Jennings, you name it.”
Angstrom Troubador, associate professor at Columbia University’s School of International and Public Affairs, expressed shock and dismay at Snowden’s having definitively revealed the truth about 9/11. Said Troubador by phone, “There’s a saying in the Beltway: ‘You’re nobody in this town if you haven’t apologized for supporting the Iraq War.’ But knowing that Saddam Hussein did WTC 7 will lead to some major shake-ups and axeings at [the Council on Foreign Relations] and the rest of the think-tank crowd.”
“To think,” added Troubador, “that the conventional wisdom – that Bush’s answers about Hussein’s role in 9/11 were cryptic or criminally deceitful – is now torn asunder. The reality is Bush was like a vigilant, better-knowing father.”
Confidentiality agreements with Snowden stipulate that much of the fugitive’s documentation of the Hussein-World Trade Center 7 connection cannot be released until after he receives successful asylum.
If CHRONICLE reports are anything to go by – which they most certainly are – then vigilante Messiah Edward Snowden is the best-informed individual on planet Earth, exposing Mayan calendar prophecy, UFOs, HAARP, chemtrails, and many more conspiracies including, but not limited to, a draconian world surveillance program by the NSA.
Snowden even accurately predicted how his messianic appearance would be received by American mainstream media, so he insisted that prophet Greenwald reveal his image on two separate occasions. Snowden’s first appearance heralded great reminders of previous reports on NSA surveillance and repackaged them in a way most Americans could understand: Your government is spying on YOU. His second appearance recanted evidence brought forth in the first, and reminded listeners he is not an information terrorist, but a concerned citizen who loves and adores all his intelligent Twitter followers.
American citizens being spied on all across the 50 states are dumbfounded by Snowden’s revelations, and trust him completely to lead us into a new era of governmental retreat from their personal lives, friendships, emails and dick pics. Some don’t care. Others trust the government not to abuse its power, even in instances where they could totally get away with it, and nobody would mind.
“It’s just crazy how our government spies on us, but how else are you going to catch the terrorists? I’ve got nothing to hide. Well–nothing major,” said Roanoke resident, restaurant owner, and incest enthusiast Jon Puzo.
Snowden is expected to be black bagged during his flight to Venezuela, only to re-emerge years later before the Supreme Court on charges of a 100-year-old espionage law written as a response to the telephone.
JERUSALEM — In what will surely be long remembered as the world’s greatest hacking exploit, Edward Snowden accessed God’s Gmail account through the use of PRISM. This comes on the heels of a bloody battle at the Dome of the Rock, where Vatican troops ousted Muslim invaders before Pope Francis declared Snowden Messiah. Earlier this week, Snowden released proof of Ultraterrestrial cities in the mantle of earth, HAARP assassinations, all-seeing SAURON spy satellites, and Muad’Dib’s Chemtrail Geoengineering.
God, according to documents released by Snowden, is a mechanic living in Cuthbert Georgia who goes by the name of Wilbur Mercer.
Snowden gleaned info from Mercer’s Gmail which allowed him to exploit a fundamental error in the laws of physics, giving him root access to Mercer’s system. Snowden quickly determined that our “universe” exists inside of a video game system which is owned and used by Mr. Mercer as a mere diversion from his more complicated world.
The press quickly descended on Mercer with questions about the real world. He responded angrily, “It’s hard to explain a universe with thirty seven dimensions to simulated people in a fake world with only eleven. Just leave me alone or I’ll restart the damn thing. I’m having a good time fixing cars and drinking shine, and I don’t care how this affects the meaning of your fake lives. The entire purpose of your universe is for me to get some kicks fixing cars. Now scram.”
Protesters who believed Mercer capable of also fixing the more profound problems of mankind gathered around his house but were quickly transformed into oak trees. Police in Cuthbert have issued a standing shoot-to-kill order for any pilgrims who seek to disturb God’s most important work. Mercer is currently restoring a ’57 Chevy.