INTERNET — Today, I authored an article placing the Westboro Baptist Church en route to Moscow to picket Snowden in a desperate, last hope plea for publicity. Few were amused, especially as the roughly forty thousands readers who received the article through Twitter were scraped from the conspiracy-babbling Edward Snowden, who is apparently so badly hooked on cocaine and DMT he had to sell his account to the Internet Chronicle, just to get a dimebag of shwag.
However, Westboro Baptist found this story amusing, and tweeted it from every last one of their accounts. With lightning fast reflexes, I replaced an image of Snowden with a real Gay Porn image of Fred Phelps, which has been leaked by sources at Anonymous. Finally, Westboro was caught with their pants down, and it turns out their Pastor and father was gay all along.
Margie Phelps commented, sadly, “Sometimes we wondered why dad always preached about Gays and nothing else. Well, I guess we know now. He’s been sneaking off to Gomorrah for a little Sodomy.” The Phelps family has been shaken by the horrible deviance of their leader and father, but promised to carry on the crusade of protesting funerals. “Oh, we’ll be protesting our father’s funeral,” said Margie, as the flame of God’s wrath flicked in her eyes.
MOSCOW — Westboro Baptist Church Pastor Fred Phelps announced to followers on Twitter Sunday Morning that a contingent of Westboro protesters were on the way to Sheremetyevo airport in Moscow to picket Edward Snowden, a whistleblower seeking asylum in Russia after sharing secret documents showing widespread NSA surveillance of US citizens.
Westboro Baptist is widely known for picketing funerals of deceased soldiers with inflammatory anti-homosexual signs. In the past, Westboro has also attempted to co-opt Anonymous operations, and many of the Phelps’ propagandists have since learned that this is an effective way for quick and easy exposure, as Anonymous will retaliate angrily at even the slightest provocation.
Russian correspondent for Internet Chronicle, Dmitri Dostoevsky,warned that the Russian protest contingent may be in for a long stay, “Disruption of public spaces, and especially heresy, are not tolerated in Russia. They have been sent on a suicide mission and will get, at the very least, five or six years in jail after they carry out this protest. Pastor Phelps must be extremely desperate for exposure right now.”
INTERNET — In a press release Friday, and after over four decades of Western-themed restaurant design, Wendy’s has unveiled what they call “a new face for a new century.” Wendy’s hopes this new hacker aesthetic will appeal to “the next generation of fast food customers,” but some have been startled by the shock green hair and borg-like goggles imposed on the iconic Wendy Thomas.
Below the controversial Cyber-Wendy featured on the new signs, a fully functional LED screen continually cycles through dazzling hacker imagery borrowed from The Matrix. Lime green pseudo-pixelated pavement markings guide customers through a drive-thru which now operates using touch screen ordering, a breakthrough that many hailed as a “game changer” in the fast food industry. Customers will not feel the same kind of shame when ordering meals if there is no human on the other end, so Wendy’s executives hope this will improve sales.
Wendy’s also promised to install powerful servers and fiber optic internet connections at all of its locations in order to run lightning-fast Tor nodes which may finally shift the balance of power in the ongoing struggle against the NSA’s nearly omniscient eavesdropping program.
Legendary columnist Old Brutus of the Internet Chronicle exploded with Rage Friday after investors pulled funding to the popular underground hatesite. His alcohol fueled blackout comes on the heels of reports “not even children were reading” his publications, according to information leaked by a Thursday hack against chronicle.su webservers.
Brutus reportedly knocked a hole in his office wall with the butt of a rifle after drinking himself into a racist stupor.
“Young kids just don’t like double-nigger-penetration anymore,” said Brutus. “They’re only satisfied if the girl is throwing up, crying, shitting herself – or doing everything at the same time; like this.” Brutus proceeded to soil himself, and vomited blood onto his trousers before crying himself to sleep in the arms of staff writer Frank Mason.
Mason said Brutus will sleep for a few hours but ultimately repeat the cycle of abuse and self-loathing. “But he’ll wake up some time tonight and remember why it hurts, then he’ll start drinking again. All Brutus feels is a spectrum of pain. His eyes have grown icy, lifeless. The only thing left in his emotional toolkit is abuse.”
Insider reports suggest no amount of death hoaxes or falsified celebrity nudes could possibly bring the Internet Chronicle into the end of the next fiscal year. The FY will bring crippling debt that makes suicide appear to be the only promising option left in the Chronicle vocabulary. Brutus has threatened suicide on multiple occasions, but as bill collectors and hosting dues draw near, sources claim the suicide threats have increased in frequency.
Mason said he expects “a brief return to his old self again” in the early afternoon, when Brutus usually wakes up and begins a campaign of starvation-enhanced Civilization V domination.
INTERNET — In a show of solidarity with Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, Anonymous hackers targeted and infiltrated infamous FEMA camp servers. FEMA camps imprisoned millions of Japanese citizens in the last century, and some believe the camps are part of a contingency plan which will be used for population control in the possible event of famine or pandemic.
“They’re doing everything conspiracy theorists have feared. There are chemical incinerators that can liquefy thousands of bodies in hours and plastic coffins to contain the liquid remains. FEMA camps are hundreds of thousands times more efficient than the concentration camps of the Nazis.” said one Anonymous hacker.
Information acquired by Anonymous includes the names and email passwords of guilty FEMA employees and contractors, and Anonymous hackers will likely exploit these maximally to explore related computer systems, as they did after gaining access to HBGary. In the past, Anonymous has stolen money using similar tactics, targeting the especially villainous with endless pizza deliveries.
When he’s not out fighting the panoptic gaze of the government with Edward Snowden, Glenn Greenwald, the Internet’s best mirror-image of Rush Limbaugh, spends much of his time starting feuds with other journalists. He’s incredible at winning arguments partially due to his looming influence but is also excellent at a “death by a thousand cuts” tactic, in which he focuses his lawyer powers on minutia instead of a more general debate.
For better or for worse, organizations like WikiLeaks and guys like Glenn Greenwald are going to claim that they’re journalists and purposefully insert opinions, exaggerations, and fearmongerings. It’s the same magic formula used by Glenn Beck, Fox News, and Alex Jones. Leakers go to guys like Greenwald all the time. Everyone does it, so it’s really no big deal. It doesn’t make me mad anymore. I’m totally over it.
What’s bothering me now is that Glenn Greenwald has been half-assing it. Maybe he thinks he’s finally won Twitter and no longer has to try.
Glenn Greenwald’s top 3 terrible clichés
1: “America should be on its knees every day begging.”
I Wanna Be Your Dog, by Iggy and the Stooges, is written with much more color.
2. “Lying to our faces”
Our precious faces are on the line, now that the NSA’s lies have been confirmed by Greenwald’s gaydar. Hide your faces from the lies.
3. “That’s not a threat. Those are facts,” Greenwald typed angrily, with his face drawn in malice.
MOSCOW — According to documents provided by Edward Snowden, a fleet of undercover prototype cars equipped with long-range neuroimaging sensors have been deployed by the NSA for initial testing. Each night, these cars carve carefully planned routes through urban and suburban centers, collecting detailed brain scans of sleeping citizens.
Snowden, from the Sheremetyevo airport, spoke with Internet Chronicle reporters, warning, “The NSA can determine whether your dreams indicate a subversive mindset, but they’re not yet at the point where this technology can interpret specific images or words. It’s still being tested, and it promises to be the most powerful tool yet for spying on American citizens. In dreams, people cannot censor themselves like they can while awake, so the NSA hopes this will help unravel even the most carefully hidden terror attacks.”
The long-range neuroimaging device works by focusing an intense beam of X-rays on the human brain, which is located by a specially tuned radar system. Pets and other animals are filtered out by a sophisticated computer system, and Snowden believes that the people tasked with driving these undercover neuroimaging vehicles may have no idea what they’re a part of, as the process is completely automated.
Google recently came under fire for a similar program, which collected information from wifi networks while allegedly photographing data for Google maps.