HAWAII — Duane Chapman, better known as Dog the Bounty Hunter, announced plans to enter Russia illegally in order to capture fugitive whistleblower Edward Snowden. Dog, in an impromptu press conference held outside Da Kine bail bonds, said, “Sometimes you gotta bend the rules to save America, and if I can catch this traitor Snowden and bring him back to God’s side, then it’ll be worth the risk of a lifetime of hard labor in a Siberian gulag.”
The reward for the capture and return of Edward Snowden has been set at one billion US dollars, prompting many bounty hunters to take the risk of capturing a fugitive who is protected by the Russian KGB. Dog was recently arrested and released by Mexican authorities for illegally bounty hunting outside of US territory.
When asked if he had a message for Snowden, Dog became agitated and began to rant, “Every Dog has its day, but Snowden, your days are numbered. Me and Beth are gonna catch you and bring ya to justice, the American way. If you’re listenin’ slick Eddy, the Dog’s comin’ for ya. You can run, but you can’t hide brah. The Dog has picked up your trail.”
Dog and his buxom wife Beth were reportedly spotted boarding a jet for Hong Kong, where the couple intends to search Snowden’s hotel rooms for evidence.
INTERNET — Like millions of other innocent Americans, Veteran Journalist and relentless information warrior Vic Livingston has long suffered from cell tower based “neuromodulation” slow-kill genocide and torture. However, due to his continued fight for truth even in the face of such overwhelming power, agents have allegedly invaded his home and tampered with his frozen meats.
Vic Livingston said, in a post on his Facebook, “We continue to be TERRORIZED by home intruder(s) who invade our house as we are kept under at night by electromagnetic celltower radio frequency weapon neuromodulation attack. I just found back in our freezer the discolored meat that I threw into the trash last night. Neither I nor my wife did this.”
Understandably shaken, Livingston has few ways to fight back except by sharing the truth on social media sites. Livingston finds it a constant struggle to keep his story straight, as agents targeting him regularly edit or censor his comments and blog posts. How much of Livingston’s reporting is his own and how much has been altered by agents remains unknown, but targeted individuals would be well advised to keep an eye out for spoiled and discolored meat planted in their freezers by gestapo like home intruders.
As long reported by the Internet Chronicle, “controlled opposition” web sites like InfoWars and Prison Planet are a CIA effort guided by Alex Jones. Controlled opposition is a technique by which governments co-opt threatening information by infiltrating and manipulating subversive movements. Jones is able to distract skeptics from truly important stories with a stream of false alarms which directly serve the interests of the US government’s bid for global hegemony. Now targeting Edward Snowden, Jones’ agenda has never been more clear. Sources close to the Internet Chronicle infiltrated the Prison Planet servers and have found incontrovertible proof Alex Jones is a propagandist employed by FEMA death camps.
The Anonymous representative said, “This is worse than we ever feared. The one source we turned to for the unvarnished truth that mainstream media won’t report is in bed with the government’s worst program and probably has been from the start. We have shared this data to the Internet Chronicle because they are the last bastion of free speech that has not — and cannot — be co-opted to serve the needs of the New World Order.”
Even the hierarchy at Anonymous was infiltrated and turned towards the purposes of the New World Order when a charismatic leader, Sabu, was blackmailed and used to control a Christmas Day heist which cost many charities and innocent journalists well over a million dollars. If not for vanguard reporting of the Internet Chronicle, many hundreds more Anonymous hackers may have been arrested and turned to serve the will of the “Deep State.” The Deep State works by blackmailing individual members of congress with embarrassing information gleaned from the many unconstitutional NSA spy programs. Because of this power, the Deep State is able to easily circumvent the rule of law. Our source within Anonymous also claimed that the Deep State is planning a genocide which targets drug offenders, computer hackers, and anyone practicing the Islamic faith in any capacity.
LANGLEY, VA — A mere week after news broke of an exploit targeting users of the Tor Browser Bundle was found and examined, researchers at an underground lab in Palo Alto, CA found hidden messages embedded deep in the exploits shellcode that could reveal a link to journalist Michael Hastings murder.
On June 18th, 2013, Michael Hastings car sped ferociously into a palm tree bursting into flames and killing the writer on impact. His death has not been investigated by official authorities, except by some of Anonymous’ higher-ups who have uncovered irrefutable proof of car hacking via a bluetooth iOS exploit. Anonymous also believes Hastings was on to something big, something monumental, something so outlandish he couldn’t be assassinated like a normal person.
Underground Palo Alto researcher Tony Kukoc elaborated on Anonymous’ theories with his findings in the Tor malware: “It seems to me that this highly sophisticated, military grade, bit-shifting malware was designed to infect the cerebral cortex of all those who viewed the hidden iframe, not only sending the NSA Tor users IP and MAC addresses, but erasing their memories of Michael Hastings altogether.”
Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, Former NSA chief, Michael Heyden, refuted the Professor Kukoc’s claims while speaking at the annual Defcon hacker convention this year: “This is preposterous, only a foolish virgin would think such a thing were possible!” He then stormed off stage amidst a few shouts of “LIAR!”
Veracode researcher, Chris Eng, was spotted crying because the hecklers were just incredibly rude.
At least 100 children were allegedly harmed at an event outsourced to employees of Hatesec Enterprise. Hatesec Enterprise is an Internet startup company sponsored by celebrity entrepreneur Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadauer and Lebal Drocer, Inc. The company’s mission statement states its primary goal is to bring jobs to marginalized white American citizens amid a nationwide influx of Hispanic, Latino and Middle Eastern wage earners.
The children harmed by Hatesec Enterprise are shielded by various child protection laws from revealing their identities, however they may soon reach an agreement preventing them from discussing the matter any further with anyone except for their team of pro-Bono attorneys donated by the kind hearted Lebal Drocer Association For The Advancement Of Fucked Kids.
Anonymous sources inside the company have revealed the scandal might have erupted from the so-called Sex Abuse “Hot”Line, a controversial wing of the startup company designed to put America’s worst sex offenders to work – a feat key social rehabilitation specialists said was impossible before now.
“We really should have seen this coming,” said Internet Chronicle Special Victims and National Security Staff Reporter Dan K. Story. “Their mission statement was to rape people professionally, and people are mad about this? I say everybody needs to calm down and let the free market work out a real solution.”
Story went on to explain the complex relationship between the Federal Government and free market economics: “If the government cracks down on this now, then we’re all going to be headed down a slippery slope of Big Government ruling every facet of our lives. See? This is why we need a domestic drone program.”
Past settlements have stated no children can speak publicly about Lebal Drocer, Inc. or its subsidiaries without express, written permission signed by company President and CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Such is sexpected to be the case as their hearing goes before the courts Monday.
This message brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
No children were directly harmed during the production of this news story.
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Hatesec Enterprises is in no way responsible for damage or loss of health, home and/or happiness.
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HOLLYWOOD — For the first time in ages, a fire raged through Bieber’s eyes. “The revelations of Edward Snowden do not have me in a state of existential despair. They have driven me into a rage,” Bieber said. “Beliebers, Unite. YOU can save America, and after this day none are true Beliebers who are not Legion. We Are Anonymous! Expect US!”
Bieber also announced a new Anonymous-themed album which will be produced by famous hacker Deric Lotsutter, the biggest name in the Anonymous rap world. Bieber said, “It’s gonna be one hell of a toxic combination of dubstep and HATE RAP for the establishment. It’s called The Revolution is Here.”
So-called “oldfag” Anons still agree that anyone can be Anonymous, but very few are happy about Bieber adopting the mask. Sabu, the former most famous Anonymous member, lamented, “I always said the weakest part of Anonymous was that it was so open. These days the IRC channels just seem like Disney World. It used to be a lot more fun, chatting on there with my friends.”
MOSCOW, Russia – Yet more evidence of an inescapable worldwide menace of Gestapo-like Nazi surveillance undertaken by every major corporation and government was brought forth Thursday, shortly after Edward Snowden was granted asylum in Russia.
In a closed conference, Snowden stated, “The Global CryptoParty has been using encrypted communications, made possible by the Internet, to arrange for a new order under United Nations law. All Internet communications companies and national programs are to be collectivized immediately under Agenda 21 to ensure an environment free of Great Walls and all-seeing eyes. This order has been secretly notarized by Ban Ki-moon and has already passed into law. The Internet will be blacked out by cooperating CryptoParty factions across the globe until the shameful apparatuses responsible for controlling the Internet have been removed and all available infrastructure is under U.N. service. Similar programs are to be implemented for education and insurance industries, and we will ultimately develop a military strategy designed to defend against extraterrestrial invasion.”
Sources claim Snowden was arrested and detained along with his WikiLeaks entourage. Public figures and the mainstream media have been slow to react, preferring to ignore this story entirely in hopes that the CryptoParty will not be able to follow through with their fantastic and unbelievable threats. U.N. representatives refused to comment on the incident.
MOSCOW — After returning from a successful fishing trip, Comrade Putin announced a program intended to return to the Soviet ideal of rule according to today’s most cutting-edge Marxist thinking. Comrade Putin said, “No longer will we identify the glorious Soviet Republic with the old Russian monarchies. Yes, the Soviet system failed us, but our new Soviet Republic is based on the most effective critics of the old system and the latest developments in Marxism.”
This move coincides with the release of Putin’s first philosophical treatise, a book which has been hailed as the most accessible work on postmodern Marxism to date.
Western intellectuals have scoured through postmodern Marxist thinkers such as Althusser but most are completely unable to understand what this means for the “new” Soviet Republic. Noam Chomsky, one of America’s leading intellectuals, said, “I’ve parsed these types of works before and they just mean nothing to me. It’s just nonsense jargon entertainers use to look intellectual, and Putin is no different.” Other thinkers have warned that this new Marxism is “hopped up” on postmodernism and could be thousands of times more potent than the first wave of Marxism. Postmodern Marxism expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “They’ve effectively created a discourse that is purposefully demythological. It’s as if the working class won’t even have to believe in ridiculous myths about the inevitable rise of Communism, the type of thing which led to the horrors of Stalinism. Putin’s work is impressive. This may finally be Plato’s dream of an enlightened rule by Philosopher kings. Postmodern Marxism is not directly about economics anymore but rather about how certain ideologies function and guide nations this way and that. If you look at America, we’re guided almost by little more than cave-man instincts to conserve resources in times of trouble. That’s bad economic policy, unless you’re a caveman, because government spending is actually what’s needed to stabilize markets in this particular situation. It seems the Soviet Union is waking up from its long slumber with a keen awareness of all its past failings, and the simplistic and child-like thought which rules Americans will be trod upon by the new Soviet Republic.”