ISIS mocked North Korean cyberwar tactics, touting their own powerful program’s invisible and effective operations
INTERNET — Friday, FBI spokespeople told Fox News that their investigators found final and conclusive proof attributing the landmark cyberattack on Sony to North Korean state-sponsored hackers. Like the Anonymous attacks that shuttered Sony’s video gaming network in 2010, many commenters have noted that Sony stands to make billions in the wake of the attack with an easy excuse for moving forward with a massive and disruptive overhaul of their infrastructure. Terrorists everywhere are frightened that their intent to punish enemies by disrupting their infrastructure may be, in fact, a boon for the powers they oppose.
Emir Ayman Al-Shaheer, press secretary for the Caliph of ISIS, told reporters, “Al-Qaida and the attacks of 9/11 only crystallized the militant resolve of the US and the West to suppress the glorious spread of Islam. We see very clearly that North Korea’s Sony hack is yet more self-destructive terrorism along this failed strain, giving Sony and the US the perfect moment to expand power. ISIS has adopted the effective tactics of the US and does its best to co-opt the energetic attacks of our enemies, using cold and effective strategy rather than childish flailing to turn that energy back on the infidels. Our hackers are more active and powerful than any in the world, and you will never, ever, hear a news story about their ongoing operations.”
Roanoke County Va. police officers cower behind one of only four humvees, and await public insurrection.
WASHINGTON – Raped by images of rioters menacing barely-armed peace officers, President Barack Obama received results from a comprehensive review of the Department of Defense program which hands down military-grade equipment to police departments in need.
What the study found was concerning: Obama said the shocking results of his study revealed police departments are not receiving enough decommissioned body armor, mine-resistant trucks, flashbang hand grenades and silencers, and forces nationwide are “desperately low” on illegal fully automatic rifles.
Executive of Freedom James Clapper said the findings deliver a staggering blow to police forces across the country operating in a culture of growing intimidation and fear.
“We’re taking their legs right out from under them,” Clapper said in a statement. “Without the advanced weaponry they need, our boys in blue are powerless to overcome ecstasy and pot dealers poisoning our youth from behind their videogames and Led Zeppelin regalia.”
Clapper said police forces are unable to escalate many situations beyond baseline paranoid hostility.
“Just the other day, one of our men went in without a gas mask and lost his bearings in a cloud of marijuana smoke. He couldn’t even shoot a dog that was asleep on the rug, threatening the safety of our fellow officers.”
Clapper concluded that “more guns, not less” is the only way to satisfy “a police officer’s natural bloodlust and desire to kill,” without the added responsibility of proper training and moral integrity.
Chief of Roanoke Police Department Rambo H. Atesic said his officers are dragging their knuckles around like apes, beating their chests in a savage display of impotent rage, setting up daytime checkpoints just to menace motorists in 5 o’clock traffic.
“Roanoke, Virginia just placed 1,000 package orders of midnight-black flak jackets, ski masks, rape sticks and explosive hollow-point rounds that spray awesome radioactive sand all over a crowd of demonstrators,” Atesic said. “So naturally, they’re itching to use it. Hell, I can’t fucking wait to shoot a dog, let alone some meaningless colored person.”
Atesic’s pupils dilated as wide as the iris, and a tiny flame flickered behind his hollow gaze.
“Our boys’ dicks are harder than Donkey Kong and there’s niggers that need oppressing,” Atesic surmounted. “Don’t take their guns away right when they need them the most. No sir, boys. We got a war to win. Now get out of my face with your camera, before I fucking kill you.”
The subject of Gavin McInnes being fired from the news outlet he created because of a piece he wrote was brought to my attention today through Justine Tunney’s article “In Defense of Gavin McInnes“. As a transwoman myself, I completely identify with Tunney’s words, however unpopular they may be. Not because I’m transgendered, but simply because she’s right. She speaks of freedom of expression and press, and as a journalist it frightens me that we can be torn from our own publication, have our families targeted and threatened with financial ruin by a mob of hysterical speech-hating cretins, simply for the words we write.
The public forums with integrated up/down-voting mechanisms for discussion, such as reddit, showed a rise in the idea that you could lessen the value of speech with the press of a button, not because it was wrong or because you rebutted with a superior counter-argument, rather because you just don’t like what you’re reading. It’s this mentality that has seeped into the minds of most people using the Internet, and it’s truly a testament to a willing erosion of our rights to express ourselves. When it becomes not about discussion, dialogue and diversity of opinion, but instead about censoring what we don’t agree with(along with trying to destroy the other persons life), we have truly lost our way.
I was featured in an article in VICE about a trolling organization I was a part of, known as the Rustle League. In the article I openly support the Westboro Baptist Church, not because I agree with them, but because they are one of the final bastions of freedom of speech in America and I will defend, to my death, their right to protest as many fags as they want. I also received threats because of that article.
Before that, I was included on an Australian television show about Internet trolling, where I was portrayed as the devil incarnate as a crowd of onlookers passed judgement before the show had even begun, not for what I said or had said, but because it could be said. The following week, I did an interview as a companion piece to the airing of the television show and the amount of vitriol spewed toward me in the comment section far exceeded anything I have ever said or done, but God bless them for saying it. It’s unfortunate the website had to close the comments section down because of the influx of troll-hating trolls being trolled into trolling, it made for quality trolling.
My tenure on the Internet spans from the mid-nineties to present and the amount of hatred directed towards me in a week is more than some people get in a lifetime. Does it bother me? No. Why? Because we all have a right to our opinions. What does bother me, however, is how quickly people will be there to try to take that right away and most of all, how successful they are.
With the 2016 primaries fast approaching, a lot of Americans are asking themselves which white collar criminal they should vote for. It’s a Hard Choice.
There is no reason not to trust an oligarchical institute of competing parties.
When I drive my family to the polls November after the November after next, I’ll make sure that we’re all ready to vote for Hil͏̟̳̱̤̘l̜̞̫̝͈̝̫a͇̼͓̘͠ͅr̯̹̩͝y̠̹ ͔͔͈̖̰͖ͅR̴͓̲̥̠̜od͈̳ͅh̼͇̯̗ͅa͚͚͘m͈ ͎̪̦̯̤̜C̢̱̲͈͇̯̦l̶͎̺̯͎in͉̘̩̭̖̬ton, of the 45th estate of Dark Lord Inglip, Home of the Titans.
I am so confident in the Democratic Party to represent my interests, I’d even trust a Republican to vote for them. Besides, i̴̱̲͓t̤̦͖͚̲ ̼͈̦̖̺̫̳̤̀d̬̗́o͏̥͖̙̻̗̦̣ẹ̛̼͕̠̪̹͢s̤̼̜͈͔̀͟͝n͏̜̻̟̮̣͈̘̼̕’̙̦̣̳̟͝t̵̩̮͕̳̩ ͟͏̳̤̮̟͘m̪͖͓͎͟a̢̨͔̦t̵̡̞̲͝t͏̶̺̜ḙ͍͝ŕ̬̗̳͕͓̺̬̺ ̨̖̤̲͚̦̘̭̙̻͜á̵̵̰̯̭̳̝n̶̟͇̭͓͓y̨̠̪̤̗͈͇̰̙ͅw̷̢̱̯͉̜̝̺͢a̷̘̙y̧̡̝͚̪̟̦̬̤̩͟.͕̣̫̤̺͞ We’re all gonna die!
I am the night. I am the crystalline hatred of His Glory! I am the cold void of space, dark matter itself. And I’m always shopping for bargains. That’s why I cut coupons. I even have a coupon for open democracy I plan to inject next Tuesday, assuming the F̤̹̼̣̠̿ͫ̊ͦiͩ̚͏f̗̺̬͇t̹̹̥̱͍ͫ͑h̠̆̄̈́ͥͬ̀ ͙̻͉̲̕Dimensional Pa̧̤̱̰̰̘͗̏́̒̋̅ȓ̵͇̼̱͍̗̼̞̜͉̿͗̂ͫͬ̿̚a͍͇̼͈̎͌ͣ́͑̍̿digm Shift doesn’t invert the 98th God’s isosceles invective (like last time!).
So come on out and try the all-new 2015 Ford Focus with rear-facing artillery cannons. For a limited time sign up for a new subscription on timespace-distorting plasma charges and receive your first cybernetic counter-enslavement upgrade ABSOLUTELY F̙̫̩͇̰͍̠̦̯̀͜R͕̰̬̹̼̦̙̕͟͡ͅE̷̻͙͉̝̟Ȩ͚͇̯̝͈̦. I am the darkness which flows through the hearts of men. Act now and SAVE on inner-oblivion anti-trust coating. D̪̟o̩̙̻͉͟ͅn̗̫̩͔̝̖’͘t́ ̀w̢̩̬a̞̙͙s̩̥̲̯̞̰ͅt̺͡ę͚̣̗ ̝̣̲̲̳̀ḁ͚̟̤͕̬ͅw̰̳̣̥a͉̼̼̰͜y͙̬͎̩ ͈̺̜̠͕̣l҉̘̫͖̲͕̟ḁ̰̮̱ț̦e҉r̰͙͈̼͕̥ ̣̣b̶̦̦̺̘e̢̗͚͎̫c̛̼a̲͍͎̣u̲̲̹̳͓̖ͅs̼̗̰͚e ͍͍͓͎̭y̯o̤̩͔͍͖̳̳ṳ͞ ̵̠͎̲̹̤̝̱͖͍̰͙̘̯̜̰̗͡c̵̸̸̱̫̘̟̰̀͘o̸̶͙̮͎̪̠̫̗̤u͏̴҉̰̙̖͉̪̼̣͎̱̭̠͉͡͞ͅl͎̳̘̮̦͈͇̬̜͞d̸̷̡̯̘̠̤̖̩̮̻̥̯̞͍̣̮͘ǹ͔̜̯͚̝͎̗̱͖͙̘̰͖̰͙̣́͜͟ͅͅ’̸̨̢͡҉̤̬̪̙̮̫ţ̴̣̬̫͈̖̬̫̀ ̸̷̨̗̣̟̜͘͝i̴̢͖̠̯̖͖̱̕͘͘ͅn̢̛͢҉̞̘̩̱͙̪̲͙̺͓̠͍̳͇͖̙ͅs̸̢̛̙̞͔̫͈̺͈̥̪̰̜͖̻͙͚̯̞͎ư̶͎̩͉͔͚͍̹̻ͅͅr̗̘̝̞̫͘͜e̝̻̩͓͚̻͟͜͝ ̳̞̝̹͍̠̜̪͕̘͍̖͢á̲͎͕̮̥̟̥̀̕g̛͚̖̣̘͢͝á̸̻̬̯̩̯͍i̧̧̗̩̘̻̤̟̲̮̻͓̪̱͈͍͙̺͎̕͝n̴͚̞̝̞̕͞s̴̛̱̩̝̩͓̖̪̩͍͚̮͍̲͡ͅt͘͜҉̧̱̥͔̭ ͏̵͇͕̥̗̗̣̩̳̣̞͉͙̲̤̫͟͞ṭ̮̹̲͇͎̖̼̥̲̻͙͜͟͠ḩ̼̱̯͎̘͎̗͈̩̗̲͉͉̥͍̘̣̭̼̕e̴̡͖̹̱̳ ̟̰͓̩̥̪͕͕͝H̡̦̜͍̗̮͉̣͈͍̺͠ͅͅa̵̩̩̫͈̜̭͇͜t̸͖̤͚̘̮̩̪̝̙͚͉̲͝͞e͏͙͍̞͍̼̗̥͉̮̘͉͍͖̠̜̻͚̕͜ ̡̛҉̮̣̲̖̩R̟̗̠̫̞̜͕͜à͇͚͙̺͕͕̥͠i̡̤̤̮̣͎͓̮̯̱̪͓͙̤̦͙̩̼̕͜͢͠n̴̢҉̬͚͍͉̻͈̻̮̲͘ ̕҉̶͓͎̬̪̺̬̣̩̟̬̱̤̥̮̹̯̱͇t҉͏͏͙͕̥̙̞̘͚͉͍̼̗͙̦̤͠ó̸̡̹̺̼̼̱̝̱̖̝͖͕̠̯̼͜d҉̵̗̞͉̟̯̗̗̱͍̝̳̲̼a͏҉̗͔͚̦͕̜͕̻͚̞͙ͅͅy͡͞͏̰̲̠͕͈̩.
INTERNET — Thursday evening, an arguably blazed fan of dad-rock band Phish, found and posted the drivers license of hardcore rapper DMX(Earl Simmons) to Internet forum Phantasy Tour, claiming his place as “OP” of an “epic thread.” In OP’s first post, he explains how DMX was always getting arrested up for driving without a license in the small town of Lyman, South Carolina. As it turns out, Simmons finally procured a drivers license, only to lose it whilst riding around town in his drop-down.
The now archived thread began with OP posting a photograph of the bankrupt rappers license, asking if he should go return it. After an overly caring second post, other forum posters took the information into their own hands and began ordering DMX pizzas, the hallmark of “epic threads.” Soon, an argument erupted over the fact that one pizza-bomber had done cash-on-delivery, prompting rabid Phish “phans” demanding others show “respect” to the destitute rapper(these posters were later dubbed “DMX white knights”). The pizza delivery man confirmed that the delivery had been made.
Among the wave of self-congratulatory and “thread of the year” posts, forum goers began cleverly combining DMX lyrics with that of pizza ingredients, bringing phans to many lols. Forum goer stipe1 even seized the opportunity to read the thread aloud to his son. One poster went as far as to looking up women on Craigslist to send to his house, for a nominal service charge. Much to the chagrin of posters, this plan never panned out. Someone ordered him Phishs’ new album off Amazon, which apparently, was hilarious.
As the thread moved closer to the 499 post limit(the staple of a Phantasy Tour “epic thread”) and the shoddily photoshopped memes kept flowing, phans began to wonder about OP’s whereabouts. Soon, OP appeared to his adoring fans, savoring his 499 posts of Internet fame, to say he was not murdered by a crack fueled Earl Simmons.
When all was said and done, phans concluded that OP had delivered.
UPDATE: In a new thread attempting to continue the “lulz,” the no-longer OP said in a typed statement: “All the sudden this isn’t as funny to me anymore. I’m sure you guys are loving it though. He might kill me for real.”
You stupid bunch of motherfuckers. You worthlesss piece of shit. You racist, consumerist, self-interested products of incest. I mean wow, who would have thought that if you lead a life of blindly half-assing everything, you would finally, eventually, get what you want? Well, your day has come. The world sucks now, just a little bit more than it already did before. And it is your fucking fault.
Everyone on the Internet is a horrible piece of trash. At The Internet Chronicle, We know and understand this. Leaving comments on videos, on news stories, on reddit, on The Internet Chronicle: You are all, ALL, of you, are ignorant, shitty people.
Nobody cares about your stupid, fucking uneducated opinions based on the one thing you just read or watched. You don’t know shit, and what’s worse is you don’t even try to reach for anything better. You are an ignorant fuck commenting on a website, and you don’t even want to learn more about whatever stupid thing it is you’re about to say. You are just going to say it, and let all the rest of the world worry about it, like an atom bomb of chain-reacting, brain-deadening stupidity.
“What did he mean? Well, did he honestly not know about the subject, or does he actually have unique access to information that nobody else has, and that’s why he says his politician cares and the other ones don’t?”
No, obviously, the reason you are talking is because you don’t know shit, because it’s supposed to work like this: If you keep your mouth shut and listen, and read, then you are learning. But when you’re talking, when you’re writing the BULLSHIT that comes out of your head, then not only are you not learning anything, but you are literally contributing to an ongoing, universal ignorance by delaying everybody else’s chances to read something interesting or learn something they didn’t know as well, because EVERY BODY STOP!! —YOUHAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. That is why they call it the great equalizer, because you can help drag everyfuckinbody down with you.
So you know what? Fuck you, and fuck your stupid comments. Fuck the whole god damn Internet. Just, fuck it. I’m out.
FUCK YOU WORDPRESS. YOU FUCKING OPEN SOURCE PILE OF MORMON SHIT.
FUCKING WORDPRESS IS A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. You know what else is open source? Religion.
WORDPRESS, I FUCKING HATE YOU.
WORDPRESS ATE MY FUCKING ARTICLE, I PUT UP AN IMAGE AND ALL IT FUICKING SAVED WAS THAT PIECE OF SHIT IMAGE.
“OH, YOU WANTED TO SAVE THAT PIECE OF SHIT DOCUMENT YOU WERE WORKING ON FOR 90 MINUTES? PFFFFUCK YOU, LOL, BUT I SAVED THE IMAGE YOU UPLOADED, IN FACT I OVERWROTE YOUR PIECE OF SHIT STORY WITH IT.”
I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S THIS FUCKING SERVER THAT CAN’T HOLD ITS OWN ASS IN ITS HANDS. I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S OPEN SOURCE WORDSHIT OR THE WHOLE GOD DAMN WHATEVER THE FUCK IS OUT THERE, I WANT TO NUKERAPE THE EASTERN SEABORD.
[Editor’s note: Okay, alright now we are going to write this. I smoked a big old fat thing of weed and now we are going to write an article about]
The state of our world
…digital and otherwise – assuming there’s a difference (based on a paper forwarded to me by Kilgoar, I unconsciously pore over the definition of reality. The paper – originally published in a scientific journal, but now Aaron Swarz’d on this subversive website – stipulated that substantial evidence “exists” to suggest reality as we know it is a computer simulation.
The cat pictured above is exhibiting extra-binary political analysis.
Let’s just say for a second that we do live in a computer simulation designed to reproduce (or produce for the very first time) each facet of our existence – from the evolution of the single-celled organism to mankind, or from illiteracy to telekinesis. Let’s assume that every instance of reality exists not only in probability but in practicality. If we are part of “one” simulation then we may infer there possibly could be many others. Perhaps these alternate realities play out in widening variations – even to the extent we no longer recognize existence in its many otherworldly iterations.
Or let’s just say that’s all bullshit. Either way, does a two-party system actually reflect the needs of mankind?
Even fucking binary code “needs” more than 1′s and 0′s to function. Binary needs a processor.
Our false-binary political system does not allow us to recognize what goes on outside that vote – or that the government itself is a sort of processor, and not the result of voting itself. The processor is designed for certain purposes; all of them acted out, at its most basic level, in binary. And that is how America votes (and the results are menacingly consistent). Republican or Democrat, “left” or “right,” this one or that one, the lesser of two evils, and so on … it is by design that these are our choices.
It is of the utmost importance that we question, at every opportunity, what “reality” is, or is not.
To be, or not to be, that is the question—
This is a classic example of pre-computer false binary. I would have sailed out across God’s green ocean, and to hell with revenge and the idolization of one’s enemies.
But Prince Hamlet let himself get wrapped up in the binary when he should have been thinking about wrecking the processors. If you don’t like what your Pentium IV from 1999 is doing, then you don’t delete out a line of code. You replace that motherfucker. I’m talking about a processor revolution, and people don’t think like that. We are taught to think in binary. Yes and no.
So what if you KNEW “everything” was a computer simulation. Wouldn’t you want to play in it? Wouldn’t you be interested in seeing what it can do? Or does being a process relegate us to certain behaviors, certain parameters – certain “rules.” Maybe, right? But isn’t it worth a try?
You can be an inhuman monster just like this man — Read Healthy As Fuck! by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, and dehydrate yourself until your skin is nothing but a thin sheet over your muscles. It also decreases chances of ball itch!
CUTHBERT, GA. — Monday, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador proposed a new Theory of Masculinism at the Camelot University Youtube Lecture Marathon. This field of theory, according to Dr. Troubador, is of course fallible and in many ways quotidian, but nonetheless remains in his jargon, “under-inter-theorized,” due to the inherent chauvanistic nature of Patriarchy and homo-repressed heterosexuality pointed out by Queer and Feminist theorists. Dr. Troubador told reporters, “They’d call us all faggots, misandrists, and privileged white people just for theorizing in this direction, but by God I’m a Heterosexual White Man and I’m tired of being represented by ‘Red Pill’ Monarchists from Date Rape Hell dressing their regurgitated internalized ideologies up as radical philosophy. Plus I’d be on the Queer, Colonialist, Feminist, etc teams if I wasn’t a damned white male. Best thing I can do is learn from ’em and try to think of what their lessons mean to be me, a privileged white man.”
Dr. Troubador slammed his fist on the podium with tremendous hate, “By God there are some sick fucks in the world that I’d love to crush and who deserve the eternal hate of God in hell, but I’m only deranged. A man must look at the world as a war, and it is Hell. Competition is first a madness and second a sacred duty. But this is only the default setting not informed by advances in many fields of Theory. That’s why I’m writing a religious text, using these advances as technology. Our project incorporates a rich inter-theoretical syncretic landscape, fractal mathematics, and persona management propaganda techniques in order to design a religion which will sweep the world in at least one century, hopefully transmitting much of the lessons learned from Theory into the collective conscious and unconscious of the masses. The hate stream of reformation and the more efficient repression of lower animal urges which results will flow into every corner and every government on Earth, and then into the stars. This is the tool through which a civilization becomes a Type I on the Kardashev scale, and building a motherfucking Empire is the space for a White Man like me to set up shop. There’s no doubt they never thought this could happen, or they’d never have said a word!”
Critics of Dr. Troubador, including many he has cited in recent papers, gathered in an ad hoc militia and surrounded his walled compound just hours ago. Local police refused to intervene in the dramatic standoff, classifying the confrontation as a battleground in time of war. The nearby military base in Alansville responded, dispatching at least five Apache assault choppers which were spotted circling Dr. Troubador’s compound, ready to unleash hell on both protesters and Dr. Troubador at the drop of a dime. Let us pray for the eternal salvation of man and that these monsters are completely incinereated in the purified computer guided hate of hellfire missiles.
AMERICA — Faggots in Washington (D.C.) who don’t vote for the Bible are destined for an Eternity in Hell — courtesy of our Lord and Savior, the compassionate Jesus Christ of the United States of A-fuckin-merica.
I say, if you don’t like the Bible, then forget how to read ’cause that’s all reading’s good for. If you don’t believe that, then go to Hell. And if you don’t like this country, then get out.
Because if humans were meant to read, then why weren’t we born with it? Why did we have to “learn” how to do it? Learning is a tool of the Devil, since whatever wasn’t put in the Good Book simply ain’t worth knowing, and that’s all there is to it. Amen.
Praise the Lord.
There ain’t a dignified man on this earth who don’t praise the motherfuckin’ Lord. This country used to be good. This country was once worth something. Now, all it is, is overrun with blacks, Mexicans and the Chinese. No fuckin’ wonder the NSA is spying on us. We aren’t even White anymore.
Now, how the fuck I’m supposed to get a job, Obama, when all our shit’s made in that Communist wasteland Vietnam? Barack Hussein Obama must love them overseas coloreds because that’s where his Daddy’s from, so he gives them all the jobs. Now I don’t want to sound racist or anything, but even with all the chinks building up our railroads, and all the Mexicans digging out my ditches, this country was alright before the blacks.
How in the fuck is it I gotta sit in line at the drive-through and when I get up to that window, a big nigger’s lookin’ out at me, reaching for my debit card? Don’t they already steal enough? We gotta put them in charge of our beef and our tortillas now, too? I mean, if I go to Popeye’s Chicken, who’s gonna be there? You know who, and that’s why I’m not racist.