Eyewitness reports from Afghanistan suggest a tall, pale white figure is taking advantage of vulnerable youth.
KABUL, Afghanistan — Strange new reports from American intelligence officials in Afghanistan suggest the sudden appearance of an unlikely face among the turmoil. Legendary pop star and homosexual pedophile Michael Jackson, who is widely believed to have died from a heart attack at his Los Angeles home in 2009, was reportedly spotted in and around several small villages under control by emerging factions of the Islamic State, or ISIS.
ISIS, who recently suffered losses with the collapse of oil prices, have turned to human trafficking as a means of income, pulling in a remarkable $520 million in 2014. Among their customers are major governmental figureheads, from British MPs to American diplomats, and even celebrities. Classified intelligence reports suggest the appearance at “human trade shows” of a tall, pale white man who never speaks.
An anonymous source inside the CIA told the Internet Chronicle he has firsthand evidence Jackson is taking advantage of the fog of war throughout several despotic gaps in the Kandahar region of Afghanistan, one of the deadliest and most easily exploited provinces in the Middle East.
Experts predict that after five years without medical care, Jackson’s plastic surgery has likely suffered gross deterioration. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, of the Los Angeles School of Cosmetic Surgery and Design, said he believes there is a good chance Jackson’s sandblasted face has taken on a new, unknown form.
“His face could appear weathered, pock-marked and cratered,” Troubadour said, “He probably has changed so much he is no longer recognizable, which would give him a staggering advantage over his prey.”
Conspiracy theories already emerging suggest Jackson, compelled by an insatiable lust for child sex, faked his own death and even allowed his personal doctor to face jailtime, to go onto a permanent sex vacation, walking the earth until he “ascends to take his throne in the great big Neverland Ranch in the sky.”
2009 screenshot from Manson’s canceled reality TV show ‘Manson Family Values.’
INTERNET — After waiting for Internet Shitstorm of the Year to die down, the scariest man in Hollywood, Charles Manson has finally cast his characteristically centered, and thought-out opinion on a divisive row taking place between #TheRedPill-ers, who fight for men’s rights, and so-called Social Justice Warriors, who fight for everyone else’s rights.
“We’re all trying to play the game, alright,” Manson said. “We’re all ‘gamers’ here, and the reason we play the game, ladies, it ain’t because we like the game,” Manson said. “It’s because you started it. It’s because you chose to play the game.”
Manson told Phil Donahue in a January 5 interview the #GamerGate row is about ethics in gaming journalism. Manson described the struggle as a “sad, sad” and “mad” game. Manson said men have every right to feel threatened by the presence of women in the videogame journalism industry. Women are natural gamers, he said.
“Look at your game, girl,” Manson said. “What a mad delusion, living in that confusion. Frustration. Doubt. Can you ever live without the game?”
Manson, who was recently married to the 25-year-old based Afton Burton, said that in the nearly 50 years he has spent playing the game, little has changed. He said inability to focus on the truth at hand could destroy peace efforts, and might even lead to heartache.
“Can you feel?” he asked. “Are those feelings real? If you can’t feel, and the feelings ain’t real, then you better stop trying,” Manson said, “or you’re gonna play cryin’. Stop tryin’ or you’re gonna play cryin’. That’s the game. Sad, sad game. Mad game. Sad game.”
Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.
HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.
Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”
Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicleis a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.
In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”
Sony source says US Government financed Hollywood flop film ‘The Interview’
In a sudden and perfunctory turn of events, information obtained from a high-ranking source inside Sony appears to corroborate allegations made by North Korean leadership, saying that the US Government may have played a “large role” in financing the James Franco-Seth Rogen Hollywood shovel-film “The Interview.”
The source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the government knew North Korea’s plans for a free, public internet were underway before production of the film began. The film’s release would have coincided with the completion of a North Korean internet infrastructure, he said, threatening Kim Jong Un’s nationwide reputation of benevolence and invincibility.
Our source said invoices paid out to Sony were repeatedly stamped with a signature Department of Defense seal and label. The sources said one document was even notarized by a certified California notary.
In the wake of the scandal, the Supreme Leader of North Korea has once again threatened to go to war on the United States after publishing their own official accusations that the government singlehandedly created the film. Un said the US Government created “The Interview” to discredit his benevolent regime, and build public support around a DDoS attack on the free, public internet infrastructure he graciously provided to his people.
The official website of the DPRK published a second denial of their involvement in the attack on Sony’s hilariously underprotected servers. However, in a separate interview, a source inside Sony said the nature of the attack suggests the breach must have come “from within,” adding that the attack would have to be an inside job because of the security system’s reliance on biometrics before access to any information would be made available – even to a hacker – encrypted or otherwise.
The Sony hack very likely was an inside job.
“The DPRK has already launched the toughest counteraction. Nothing is more serious miscalculation than guessing that just a single movie production company is the target of this counteraction. Our target is all the citadels of the US imperialists who earned the bitterest grudge of all Koreans.
Kim Jong Un said his “robust” army of 1.2 million “bloodthirsty” warriors is chomping at the bit to attack the monolithic institutions dictating American hegemony, but Sony is fortunately not on that list.
China, an all-too-poignant mediator in the dispute, described the hacking as “unfortunate,” adding that a digital security breach is a serious issue (they should know), but later said “The Interview” was “tasteless” and “nothing to be proud of.” Considering the movie is a late-2014 rushed-to-Christmas meme-generator acted out by an aging, same-character-in-every-movie Seth Rogen, China is probably not far off the mark. Sony now seems to acknowledge the film is so unwatchable they are refusing to even sully their own Crackle video streaming site with it.
Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un’s internet throughout North Korea is in disarray, and a radical activist group is threatening to airdrop DVDs of “The Interview” on the hungry, destitute and impoverished people of Pyongyang. Perhaps they could drop some food and water, too – and while they’re at it – a DVD player.
Anonymous, led from a federal prison by Barrett Brown, are also threatening to release the film by Christmas if Sony does not.
Washington, D.C. — As US President Barack Hussein Obama renews some meaningless vow to close down the Guantanamo Bay Cab Driver Spa and Resort, Sony has doubled down their criticisms of the president by offering to release the CIA Torture Report, which contains graphics depictions of torture and rape, for free on Crackle, their in-house streaming service.
President Barack Obama encouraged Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with each portion of bread.
The torture report, entitled “The Interview,” explains the methodology of extracting sensitive information from unwilling participants. If a subject won’t talk, for example, raping him with hard green vegetables offers a ready solution to tight lips, according to the document.
Following Obama’s decision to downplay the role of torture in American foreign policy, Sony executives criticized the president for being “intimidated by these kind of criminal attacks.” Torture is a protected form of free speech, Sony said, and the president should not be discouraged by “faggoty” leftist attacks on American freedom.
Obama said he was fine with torture, but only vowed to close Guantanamo when he thought that’s what people wanted to hear.
“We tortured some folks,” Obama said. “I used to think that was bad. But if you really think about it, James Clapper is like a patriotic Santa Claus. Our brave team of CIA torture artists are like his elves. But instead of milk and cookies this year, if you’re a terrorist, you might consider leaving out a zucchini and – if you know what’s good for you – a big old bottle of water-based lube.”
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer Industrial Complex.
Nothing quenches a thirsty butthole better than water based lubricant enhanced rectal hydration therapy. Grip a rape stick and get ready to ROCK.
Several women had come forward with allegations against Bill Cosby of gross sexual misconduct.
BILL COSBY — Pain and anguish struck the hearts of millions of fans, Sunday, after news broke of comedian Bill Cosby’s suicide at the age of 77. A rash of sex assault allegations plagued America’s favorite Black comedian earlier this week, and experts from the Hollywood Psychological Network say the 80s sitcom star’s suicide confirms his guilt.
“It really is tragic, because Bill Cosby was such a well-liked figure in the entertainment industry,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, resident expert of the HPN. “It is a shame the way Mr. Cosby’s reputation has been ravaged by sexual misconduct.”
Some fans don’t agree at all with Dr. Troubador, and want to remember Cosby just for his entertainment without judging his personal life. Serena Plowman said, “We should remember him for the laughs he brought to us, not for the unproven allegations of embittered ex-girlfriends.”
Users of the Red Pill subreddit also defended the icon on his memorial page Sunday, some claiming they identified with his unfortunate image in the press. “Red Pillers” are so-called men’s rights activists known for their ability to filter reality through a profoundly misogynistic interpretive lens.
“I’ve spun a few plates in my day,” wrote Sean Brown, 27, from Los Angeles. “Hate the sport, not the player. I know for a fact that anything can be turned into an allegation of rape by the Feminist bluepillers in control of the media. They just want to take every man down a notch, silence all of us. Bill Cosby did nothing wrong.”
A candlelight vigil for the fallen star is being held in front of Cosby’s $400 million estate Monday night. His family has requested the media respect their privacy while they grieve and distribute inheritance.
The method of suicide is not yet known. The actor did not leave a note.
In an effort to catch them all, Grayson the betta male has logged 150 hours on Pokémon.
In an unprecedented union of nature and technology, a Siamese fighting fish – or “betta” – has unknowingly dived into the world of handheld RPGs and devoted its life to the Red/Blue Game Boy version of Pokémon.
Grayson, a male betta, is doing better than expected.
OP was a pretty cool guy, and had this to say:
“Grayson has been playing for around 125 hours. Last time I checked, Grayson had acquired his first Pokemon, a charmander named AAAABBK and defeated his first opponent, the rival’s squirtle! (Grayson has been playing since the very start and selected his own name from one of the preset ones!)” – TheBloxer
In what game developers are calling “the ultimate betta test,” the onscreen controls are determined by Grayson’s position in his fishbowl. When he slept in his hammock Wednesday night, for example, he was lodged in the “up” directional button. The controls look solid, but are kinda finicky as indicated by a yellow dot that is supposed to track his exact position.
A controversial change was made to the control scheme Thursday, when the fish’s “owner” randomized the button mapping software, potentially interfering with the experiment by stripping even more control from the fish and placing Ash’s fate in the hands of a random number generator.
Perhaps the strangest element of watching a fish play Pokémon for 24 hours a day is the chat bar to the right of Grayson’s play area on twitch.tv: Viewers egg Grayson on during his sleep, with slogans like “Consult the hammock!” and ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ FISHY WAKE UP! ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ … and during his “gaming hours” a subculture of hero worship is burgeoning. ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ ALL HAIL THE MAGIKARP!
The feed is silent, of course, because yesterday twitch.tv shit the bed in fear of copyright lawyer-ghosts and muted any stream featuring music in any form (like Saudi Arabia!) – even their own.
Hillary Clinton steps down from her taxpayer-funded Learjet during campaign of Hate.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hillary Clinton has been a busy woman since exiting public office. She can be found, these days, shuttling around the country in limousines and Learjets on a promotional tour for her new magnum opus, Hard Choices. The book chronicles her time served as Secretary of State under Ayatollah B. Hussein Obama’s glorious administration.
Released to rave reviews, the book has been called “a modern-day woman’s meditation on Freedom, reminiscent of Rand, Woolf, and Morrison,” by the Wall Street Journal.
Noted feminist Judith Miller, the woman whose broad shoulders bear the brunt of the blame for the liberation of Iraq, wrote in an Op-Ed for the New York Times, “Mrs. Clinton weaves a narrative so imagined, so inspired, you would think she is making it up!”
However, the book is not without its detractors.
Dr. Angstrom H. Treub’adore, the Internet Chronicle’s resident Cisgender Theorist, said in an interview today from his Paris apartment, “The only Hard Choice the former secretary faced while serving was whether to shoot, shock, hang or bang, preferably with an exceptionally dirty hypodermic needle, the ‘whistle-blower’, more like ‘wiener-blower’, Chelsea Manning for his crimes against the Gov, aided by the conard, the file de pute, the noted surprise sex enthusiast, Yulian Mossad,” referring to the Wikileaks scandal that erupted during Clinton’s tenure as secretary. Just one of the multitude of Hard Choices described in the book.
But Mrs. Clinton has found favor within the artistic community, which has embraced her latest collection of stories.
Katy Perry, the eleven-time Grammy nominee songstress responsible for such national anthems as: “Waking Up in Vegas”, “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)”, “Ur So Gay”, and “By The Grace of God”, tweeted at the potential 2016 Democratic nominee that she is ready to shed the last trace of whatever artistic integrity may still reside within her. The pop singer suggested that “she would write [Clinton’s] theme song.”
Cum Swapping (#HardChoices)
The two were seen exiting a Brooklyn recording studio late Monday night with producer Puff Daddy and former Attorney General Janet Reno, who is rumored to have a featured verse on the song, tentatively titled “Hard Choicez (Ode to Elian)”.
Clinton’s ascension to the Presidency seems all but uncertain. She is treading an unprecedented path, paved with the ignored plea’s of the poor and lined with the Hard Choices of which lobbying agencies to publicly allow into her pocket book, and which to keep private.
With her book tour, an arousing success, and the media’s resistance to meaningful questions about her past, the only choice left for Mrs. Clinton to make—perhaps the Hardest Choice of all the Hard Choices she has had to make—is when to actually announce her intention to run for president of our permanent dynasty. God bless this neoliberal paradise, the greatest God damn nation on Earth, The United States of America.
INTERNET — Thursday evening, an arguably blazed fan of dad-rock band Phish, found and posted the drivers license of hardcore rapper DMX(Earl Simmons) to Internet forum Phantasy Tour, claiming his place as “OP” of an “epic thread.” In OP’s first post, he explains how DMX was always getting arrested up for driving without a license in the small town of Lyman, South Carolina. As it turns out, Simmons finally procured a drivers license, only to lose it whilst riding around town in his drop-down.
The now archived thread began with OP posting a photograph of the bankrupt rappers license, asking if he should go return it. After an overly caring second post, other forum posters took the information into their own hands and began ordering DMX pizzas, the hallmark of “epic threads.” Soon, an argument erupted over the fact that one pizza-bomber had done cash-on-delivery, prompting rabid Phish “phans” demanding others show “respect” to the destitute rapper(these posters were later dubbed “DMX white knights”). The pizza delivery man confirmed that the delivery had been made.
Among the wave of self-congratulatory and “thread of the year” posts, forum goers began cleverly combining DMX lyrics with that of pizza ingredients, bringing phans to many lols. Forum goer stipe1 even seized the opportunity to read the thread aloud to his son. One poster went as far as to looking up women on Craigslist to send to his house, for a nominal service charge. Much to the chagrin of posters, this plan never panned out. Someone ordered him Phishs’ new album off Amazon, which apparently, was hilarious.
As the thread moved closer to the 499 post limit(the staple of a Phantasy Tour “epic thread”) and the shoddily photoshopped memes kept flowing, phans began to wonder about OP’s whereabouts. Soon, OP appeared to his adoring fans, savoring his 499 posts of Internet fame, to say he was not murdered by a crack fueled Earl Simmons.
When all was said and done, phans concluded that OP had delivered.
UPDATE: In a new thread attempting to continue the “lulz,” the no-longer OP said in a typed statement: “All the sudden this isn’t as funny to me anymore. I’m sure you guys are loving it though. He might kill me for real.”
BAGHDAD – While your television was busy comparing the return of US Army Sergeant Bowe Robert Bergdahl to the Benghazi suicide bombing, an actual political toy unwound in this little spot on the desert you might remember from 2003.
Motherfucking Iraq. The country is falling to a group of desert criminals so bad Al Qaeda threw them out. Obama pulled out 5,000 contractors (not our profits!) and the place is going to hell faster than you can vote for Hillary Clinton.
We let Iraq go because it was no longer profitable to keep it. What good is a broken nation without oil? We need a power player, Iraq. Sorry. ISIS, she’s all yours. Take her for a spin. Don’t worry about coming home on time. Glenn Beck has his own channel and he’s on all night. We are in good hands. I love you, precious TV. My beautiful rectangle angel. My opium. My fixation.
Here’s the fun part: Syria – whose attempted overthrow was funded by the United States – is working with Iraq, whose government was installed by the US, to fight Jihadist militants supported by the United States in Syria (but not in Iraq).
Iran – America’s opponent on the world stage – has offered to help Iraq (a historical enemy) and the US (also an enemy) combat the insurgency opposed by the US in Iraq but supported by the US in Syria, Iran’s ally.
So, there you go, TV. Have fun with that shit.
Anybody watching Louie? The last two episodes of Season 4 come on tomorrow night. You’d better set your hoppers to record, so you can watch your edgy hate-man while the kids are out of the room. We fucking hate you, America. Goodnight.