Social networking sites lead to 'pregnancy and marriage by age 23'


Jan Lewis, 29, and Felix Mulholland, 32, finally look happy together in their 9th attempt at a positive Facebook profile picture they now share.

Everett, Wa. – A new study shows social networking websites such as MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships.

John Andrews, 24, is one of many Everett area residents who found themselves attached at the hip to the previously unimaginable dregs of society.

Andrews said, “It’s true love. Sure, it’s codependency, but we love it. Truly.”

Demographers are alarmed by the growth in pregnancies reported in the first quarter of 2009. Over “seventy five percent” were “secretly intentional,” because most of the girls found on these sites see themselves as being “too socially awkward” or too lacking of a “positive self-image” to continue dating casually as normal people have done in the eons leading up to the internet. “So they just lay on their backs and let their revolving-door-style reproductive systems trade commitment for responsibility.”

The breeding of lazy, insecure women has reached unprecedented levels which ALR scientists believe led to a spike in obesity. The FDA, or World’s Largest Conflict of Interest, has reported a sharp increase in consumer spending on trendy medical treatments such as liposuction and gastric bypass surgeries.

Dane Ginjuns, the 48-year-old FDA researcher famed as “the world’s most bribable man,” said there was a direct connection between the poisons we eat in our food and the medicines needed to treat long-term illnesses such as Britney Spears’ Disease (diabetes) and cancer, the leading cause of death for /b/.

Additionally, many of these women are unwanted to begin with and will probably have to settle on child support as a means of survival since their inherent laziness is what got them into this mess to begin with.” Ginjuns continued, “The rest of these womens’ lives will probably be spent in a dark room behind a computer screen while their smelly, unlovable bastard children raise themselves on Jerry Springer and Hot Pockets.” Ginjuns eyes then lit up as he became visibly excited, and exclaimed, “Good Lord! Cash cows, that breed cash cows. We’ve struck a fine balance, haven’t we? Just goes to show that in America, any dream really can come true, just so long as it’s rooted in corruption–I mean capitalism–I mean–aww hell!”

Religion 101

There is nothing wrong with religion. I have no problem with religion. Religious people, on the other hand, are a different story.

Why can’t someone go to church, rejoice, pray, go home, and keep their beliefs to themselves?

Why can’t religious people simply enjoy their religion, without trying to force it on other people, or judging other people according to their religious beliefs?

Case in point; the current situation at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio. For those of you not familiar with this situation, I will give you a brief summary:

17 year old Tyler Frost is a senior at Heritage Christian School, and is planning on going with his girlfriend to the prom at her school, Findlay High School (a public high school). Findlay High School requires students from other schools to get a signature from the principal at their school before they can attend the Findlay High School prom. Tyler went to the Heritage Christian School principal (Tim England) to get permission to go to the Findlay High School prom with his girlfriend. Principal England signed the permission form for Tyler to attend the prom. The school committee, which is made up of church members, issued a statement informing Tyler that if he attends the Findlay High School prom, he will be suspended, and will not be allowed to graduate, and will have to re-take his senior year at another high school the following school year. Their justification for doing this was because there would be rock music at the Findlay prom, and that “rock music is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people’s hearts and minds”.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Now, do these people really believe that God would want them to ruin the future of a young man for going to a prom at a public school? Apparently they do, because they are steadfast in their position, and refuse to change.

What happens to these people when they discover religion? How does going to church make them feel like they are somehow in a position of authority over other people? Why do these people feel the need to ram their beliefs down the throats of other people?

What about the muslims, who are so consumed by their religious beliefs, that they blow themselves up just to kill a few people who don’t agree with their religious beliefs?

Wow…….is all I can say to that.

I believe the problem here, is that some people are just not mentally strong enough to be exposed to religion.

Area man visually defines lost concept through ironic failure to do so

Springfield, U.S.–Dignity found a face when local cracker factory worker Kirk Van Houten attempted to draw it during a game of Pictionary Saturday night, twelve years ago. Ordained with failure after his wife, Luann, could not guess the image, he challenged her to draw a better one in front of the party. What resulted was the iconic definition of a human concept so complexly intangible, it should have never been included in an ice-breaking party game.
Kirk Van Houten: It’s dignity, Luann.

Van Houten’s visualization of dignity was largely rejected by his wife, whose own portrayal was subsequently confirmed by the party’s attendees to accurately depict dignity in all of its possible variants, definitions, and contexts, even as it had been comparatively stripped from her husband in the act.

Unfortunately, the piece was never released to the public and experts say statistics indicate the drawing probably arrived in a Virginia landfill in or around Gloucester County. “This estimation is given on the grounds that Waste Management buys trash from twenty-six other states, including New York and New Jersey, to dump in Va. landfills as a means of protecting its citizens from encroaching swamps, wetlands, and bothersome natural habitats,” said Virginia governor Timothy Kaine.

Waste Management is a friendly neighborhood conglomeration of Wall Street businessmen and the mafia between whom your trash is a commodity.

Dr. Hibbert, Ph.D., commented on Mr. Van Houten’s piece after the Simpsons’ party, saying, “It lacked any distinctive characteristics whatsoever,” as he released an untimely chuckle.

After frantic weeks of phone calls, strongly-worded letters, and death threats, Noam Chomsky, professor emeritus of linguistics at Massachusetts Institute of Technology was made available for comment. After reviewing the scene between the now-divorced Van Houtens, he said, “The dispute is inconsequential and with the exception of their resulting divorce, most likely will not change anything, ever.” He then followed this up with a question for reporters, asking, “Is this really why you needed me so badly? Do you even know who I am?”

Noam Chomsky, powering a small
village with his cognitive prowess

Indeed, after more than a decade the ripples of rejection can still be felt for miles around Springfield, where reporters say the veins of failure running through Kirk Van Houten’s shrinking intellectual circle of neighboring low-rent apartment tenants in their mid-20’s are still being smoothed out similar to air-bubbles under a sticker.

One neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, said the man is by this point so unfamiliar with dignity that he may never be loved again, and is most certainly not currently respected by his peers, colleagues, or even the American Gladiator his ex-wife married shortly following their divorce.

In other news, Elf Wax reporter Stan Crumb was arrested outside the Elf Wax office building for harassment and attempted kidnapping following an unscheduled, unrelated, and mostly unwanted interview with Mr. Chomsky about quote, “the 9/11 conspiracy, man.”

Judgmental Homosexual Hypocrites

Try saying that five times really fast. It’s a real tongue twister. It’s also a really annoying, and disgusting, combination of personality traits.

You would think that fags and dykes wouldn’t really be the judgmental types. When you consider the lifestyle they have chosen for themselves, you would think they should be more tolerant of other people. I mean, how can a guy say “I suck cock, and let other guys ram their cocks up my ass, but I don’t approve of what you do”? You would just expect a certain amount of tolerance from this particular group of people. But that’s not always the case.

Let me give you an example of a person with this particular combination of personality traits.

My son is in 8th grade, and had a “girlfriend” whom he really liked. Her mother is a big masculine bull dyke. She was, however, very nice to my son, and took him places with her daughter and herself. The first time we met her, I was briefed beforehand about how she is a dyke, and that I should watch what I say. No problem……..I swore I would be on my best behavior. When she came over to my house, she told us that she decides whether or not she likes someone the second she meets them, and doesn’t give them another chance.

Now, that struck me as odd. She is (openly) a lesbian, and does not want to be judged by others for her sexual preference, but she immediately makes permanent judgments of other people.

Okay……..nothing like a little hypocrisy.

I let that go, and didn’t think anything of it.

A couple of weeks later, I was taking her daughter and my son somewhere in my truck, and was listening to a Guns n Roses cd. I didn’t think to skip the song “One In A Million”, and when Axl Rose said “immigrants and faggots, they make no sense to me”, the poor daughter got a weird look on her face. I just pretended like I didn’t hear it.

From then on, the gay mother would not even look at us or speak to us when we seen her at sporting events, and we seen her frequently since my son is a basketball and football player and her daughter is a cheerleader. She would intentionally ignore us. No big deal though…….who wants to be seen hanging out with a big masculine bull dyke anyway?

The thing about that which I found annoying was the fact that she is an openly practicing homosexual……..and that is okay……..but is offended when a song came on my car stereo that said faggot. It’s okay to be a faggot, but it’s not okay for my stereo to say faggot?

This dyke believes that’s it’s okay for her to judge people, but that she herself should not be judged for her homosexuality. She believes that engaging in homosexuality is okay, but to speak of it is wrong. Talk about hypocrisy and double standards!

When a guy sucks another guys cock, or a woman munches another woman’s muff, and is open about doing it, they have to expect that everyone may just not embrace their decision to do that.

The state of North Carolina defines homosexuality as a crime against nature, and a means to satisfy depraved sexual cravings. I tend to agree with them.

And for the queers who say “God made me this way”, I just have this to say: God did not watch Brokeback Mountain and say “ oh yeah……..that’s the way I want things to be”.

If you have queer sex, you are not in a position to judge anybody else!

And if you are open about engaging in queer sex, then you should be prepared to hear someone say the word “faggot” without being indignant!

And for the record…….I LOVE the song “One In A Million”!

Media-induced Hypochondria Pandemic Sweeps the Nation

In a recent E.W. Times poll, 45% of Americans aged 18 and over admitted they believed they were suffering symptoms of Swine Flu H1N1 Virus. With a total of fifty-seven confirmed cases and two deaths, hospitals are being swamped by millions each day with flu-like symptoms whom mostly consider themselves the walking dead. “The strange thing is,” Dr Angstrom H. Troubador reports, “Almost all of these people are perfectly healthy, except for the psychological illness that has programmed itself into their brain through evening news.”
Hospitals have begun refusing admittance to any persons claiming to have Swine Flu or even just flu-like symptoms in some instances. “If they even mention the word Swine in my hospital, they’re out,” Dr. Troubador admits. “I used to tell these people to take a break from their televisions, but that seemed to anger them more than anything.” Cultural heresy aside, television has spread a much more dangerous virus than the H1N1.
Hospital waiting rooms nationwide are completely filled with healthy people, leaving no doubt that some of them will contract Swine Flu simply by waiting to get help they don’t need. In the long term, Dr. Troubador expects hospitals to continue closing their doors to Swine Flu patients, even if the pandemic actually begins to spread. “You can’t fool us doctors like you have so easily been fooled yourselves. We won’t EVER treat anyone claiming to have H1N1 virus!”

Man's dreams fall into lap

Jay Kenny, A Roanoke man, sat in his favorite comfortable chair Thursday, thinking the world would just pass him by as it has done for the last five years. That is, until a book deal and a Sports Illustrated contract fell into his lap from the ventilation system overhead.
American author Jay Kenny making headway toward goals

“I was just staring out the window thinking, ‘Gosh, the world sure does change as fast as the second hand counts a minute nowadays.’ But I remember noticing that my back lawn and the bushes and trees always look the same,” said Mr. Kenny, retail employee.

Jay went on to express his renewed attitude toward life, and lack of certainty around what he will do next. “Now that I can be the writer I always dreamed of bein’, I just don’t know what I’ll write about! Sports? Politics? Social trends, the government? War and peace; it’s all out there for me,” he said with a grin.

Jay Kenny said he’d already grown accustomed to day-to-day life without ambition. “Paper hits the door every mornin’. The songbird sings my favorite tunes,” he said. He went on to describe how he’d come to delude himself into believing a life without any distinction whatsoever does not evacuate the happiness from his soul, but in fact brings him a form of satisfaction. “Things here are just how I want them to be. Pretty much all the time. Grass stays cut. Neighbors are friendly. Known them about fifteen years now. What little money I get pays the gas bill, heating, lights, health insurance, life insurance, car insurance, homeowner’s insurance, water. With what’s left I buy food. Sometimes I have enough left and I’ll even buy myself a big old steak dinner. Me and Gus,” he said, pointing to his dog. “I guess I might just write about that.”

Mr. Kenny said he would not investigate the duct-work of his home, telling reporters the weight of the curiosity around what caused his dreams to come true by simply neglecting to actively pursue them can be remedied with a good Marlboro cigarette and a shot of whiskey. “I don’t like to ask no questions,” he said. “Something told me I’d be a big novelist one day and people would want to know what I’ve got to say about things. I just believed in myself. And that’s probably how I was able to keep my routine of television, forty hours at Staples, and shopping at Kroger. I knew it’d all pay off eventually.” And it did.

Local man repairs relationship, loses penis

Roanoke, Va.–A Roanoke man savagely mutilated himself Friday while trying to prove to his ex-wife he was “still man enough to sexual role-play and use a skill saw naked.” Sources say he was attempting to sacrifice the family housecat to the love gods when things suddenly appeared very wrong.

Tina Shrubman, a 46 year old “homemaker” described the scene to police and reporters a “bloodbath, not in the sexual way, but almost,” as the man’s dismembered tool flopped around like a suffocating fish on the counter-top in her Martha Stewart-influenced kitchen. Lustily, Shrubman bit her lower lip.

Lieutenant Leroy Jackson, who is not supposed to disclose any details around an ongoing investigation, revealed to reporters, “Cletus Ragburn, waited for Ms. Shrubman’s return in her living room, naked, prepared to operate a table saw mounted on two sawhorses. Confused, she instinctively pepper-sprayed him, causing his thumb to react, triggering the power saw to spin out of control and fall to the floor, castrating him in the process.”

When asked where the pet would be sent for treatment, Jackson replied, “I am not at liberty to divulge that information.”

Joe Diamond, attorney for Ragburn’s johnson revealed that the member was seeking severance pay, a full health insurance package and a guaranteed nine-to-five stroke job.

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Watch footage of yourself playing computer games, or watching a movie. Re-live past experiences!

Ladies, want to catch your man masturbating to porn on the internet when he could be fucking you instead?

Schizophrenics, do you want to prove that all those people talking to you are really there?

Get registered with EvoCam online and have your video footage sent first to an underground EvoCam headquarters where it is reviewed, filtered, condensed, archived, unarchived, and then rearchived again in a form of encryption so advanced that even EvoCam scientists can’t undo what’s been done! Then, it will be emailed to you in ten separate pieces, which you can then plug into a separate downloadable add-on program attachment to have them reunscrambled and mailed to you within 6-8 weeks. All the while you can stew and perculate, let the paranoia fester until it is sparking grease onto your inner chest cavity. This is how you know EvoCam is working.

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Gaia Economy in Shambles

Gaia Online has suffered extreme hyperinflation in the past weeks, as the value of gold plummeted. The crux of Gaia’s economy is a steady flow of art-themed posting. Poetry, photography, and art of all kind and quality are equally rewarded. Through time, however, the quality of this art has completely degenerated beyond the point of recognition. For a minor amount of gold, a fraction of a fraction of what one needs to ‘buy’ accessories for their avatar, one user may copy-paste a Wikipedia article into the “non-fiction” category, or perhaps write a paragraph about their abusive families. Webcam photos of things in people’s computer rooms are also a major source of Gaia’s artwork.

Because the value of artwork has bottomed out, Gaia has begun coercing its users into posting even more worthless art to boost the economy. The fact is, that if a computer program were to continuously pick photos from google images, apply an Andy Warhol filter, and post it on Gaia, only to randomly give away all the gold it made, this whole system might be streamlined. Why should human beings post worthless art, when computers are so much more efficient at it?

People like speshelshell22 could continue to comment “i love pop art it looks good,” if they felt inclined, or this system could also be replaced by computer automation.

I will leave you with a poem from Gaia, written by xX_HyperSkittlez_Xx.

While it is not written directly about the state of art in Gaia, I think it’s apt.

youre walkin’ into town
then on your face there is a frown
its diarriayou try to poop it out
but you cant so you just pout
stupid diarria

no one knows how to spell it
so everyone just guesses it

you are in walmart
when you try and fart
uh oh

so you sweep it with a broom
when your in the bathroom
that diarria

you enter into a stall
then you give it your all

then you try to flush it down
but all it does is go around


Peace on Earth a reality after worldwide cooperation leads to groundbreaking legislation

Children of all ages lined up in front of their schools today only to learn that classes were canceled indefinitely.

A victory every man can taste

Professors of social sciences, military advisers to the President of the United States of America, leading geneticists, politicians and local leaders from every recognized country, island, village outpost and tribe in the civilized world have declared that knowledge and education are useless as world peace has been achieved through peace talks, treaties, agreements, ceasefires, nuclear disarmament, and the cessation of arms manufacturers across the globe. They have concluded that mandatory education as it exists now serves only the military-industrial complex, a device known for generations as the primary source of conflict, strife and natural injustice among the traditionally benign and peace-loving human population of Earth.

In the wake of an agreement on worldwide peace, arms manufacturers such as Smith and Wesson, Colt, and Remington have all been paid historically immense dividends as both recognition of their lifetimes of labor and quality craftsmanship and as thanks for agreeing to shut down their plants or for channeling their industrial strength on peace-serving ends.

The collective thousands of billions of dollars once spent annually through the global industry of war has fed the world five-fold by present calculations and so have all been funneled into the scientific research and manufacture of the Small Nuclear Thermal Rocket Engine, safely deployed once in space after a regular SRB takeoff has breached the Earth’s mesosphere. The new nuclear thermal rockets will carry a manned spacecraft close enough to the speed of light through interstellar space that we will reach the neighboring star Proxima Centauri within the next four to five years. If given enough time to calculate a mission’s success rate and produce its means, Earthlings can expect receiving the first top-down images of the atmospheres of Centauri’s terrestrial planets (that’s extra-solar to those of us who don’t get to go just yet) by the year 2020.

In the meantime, every nation’s resources, acreage of land, national crop, GDP, and transportation capacities are being factored and calculated by the world’s leading independent scientists and mathematicians to ensure a fair global distribution of edible goods to and from all lands. This means bringing tastes and flavors unrecognizable to the Congolese people right into the center of their tribal feasting options. Unimaginable delicacies of East India meet Siberian hunters. Every last North Korean will be fed before December 31, 2009.

As if that weren’t enough, the now-defunct schools and colleges are being turned into social networking sites at which people of all ages still have the option of attending to discuss ideas, philosophy, God and the Universe, mathematics, science, art, literature and music, but a new law forbids the charging of admission as the buildings are paid for by no one and upheld by everyone thereby making a cover charge contradictory as it would create an artificial class system not unlike the one left behind in which the rich would be given a right to live disproportionate to that of the other ninety five per cent (statistics are care of Stockholm International Peace Research Institute) of a given population. Your money can and will still buy you nice TVs, an electric boat for retirement, pets and homes, but nobody will ever again have to pay for a fair and balanced perception of reality as we know it, as everyone plays an active role in its shaping up through socialization and direct democracy via up-and-coming internet voting software set up to register your direct, individual input on each and every issue set to pass across your congressman or senator’s desktop. Also, people are no longer limited to just two choices on any given issue. New answers are nominated automatically at the stroke of your very own keyboard and added to the list for others to second, third, and so on. Votes are tallied nightly, weekly, monthly and annually, a system akin to Nintendo Wii’s Everybody Votes channel.

People are expected now to go on into their new lives as easily as they have come into it; a safe, stable life in a utopia in which technology has brought every living man a say in government, locally, nationally, and internationally. Hunger is over, people love each other unconditionally and we can all explore space together, in peace, forever.

April fool’s.