Why are tremendous methane clathrates exploding across Siberia?
ALASKA — Sunday, Edward Snowden was taken into custody by Anchorage Police, arriving in Alaska early in the morning in a black unmarked helicopter. Snowden says he is glad he can now face a fair prosecution, as he hopes his latest documents will vindicate everything.
Snowden spoke, passing out a fresh cache of the most secret White House documents to reporters, “These documents show the White House itself considers terrorism to be mere ‘smoke and mirrors’.”
Snowden looked directly into the cameras and spoke calmly, as police looked on too shocked to stop him from speaking, “America’s most deadly important security threat has been Methane deposits, known as clathrates, that are detonating in Siberia under mysterious conditions. The White House is afraid Vladimir Putin is working with a previously unknown intelligent species living beneath the earth’s crust called the Chelovozyom. In the most terrifying of scenarios, Vladimir Putin and the Chelovozyom are working together to deterraform North America, which will become nothing but deserts and ice within just one generation. There are massive chemtrailing defense programs carried out by the US military to attempt to counteract the effects of climate warfare, but each year of chemtrailing only cancels out the detonation of one methane calthrate, and hundreds of clathrates are detonating each month.
Climatologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “We don’t believe so-called incidental human activated climate change could ever cause the rapid shift in temperatures needed to detonate methane calthrates, and the only explanation possible is purposeful exploitation of these resources to terraform Siberia in a way that is most favorable for Russians and least favorable for North America. So science can back up those claims by Edward Snowden. It is true. North America will be glaciers and deserts very soon, and no amount of chemtrails can stop it now. As for the Chelovozyom, Edward Snowden and seemingly the White House have likely taken some very convincing bait, and I’ll believe it when the Chelovozyom appear on Oprah to greet humanity.”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour came under fire when he said Germanwings passengers were “asking for it.”
An Internet psychologist came under fire Wednesday after a controversial news story went viral in which he was quoted saying the Germanwings atrocity was society’s fault.
The Germanwings disaster, Troubadour said, was attributed to co-pilot Andreas Lubitz’s internalization of society’s anal fixation on normalcy, a 21st Century social disease Troubadour calls “supernormality.”[pullquote]”Just look at his dead eyes,” Schandling said. “Look at his dude-stare.[/pullquote]
This, and certainly other normal social pressures in the workplace, triggered the supernormal state in which many school shootings and other murder-suicide plots unfold — a psychological terrain that most contemporary psychology cannot distinguish from so-called sanity until the violence is already done.
Angstrom H. Troubadour
Experts have alleged Dr. Troubadour, who is already currently embroiled in a damaging peer-review scandal, could be receiving funding from a secret homonormative source.
Germanwings co-pilot “just a good old boy,” Troubadour says.
Sociologist Larry Schandling of the Internet Chronicle Institute of Common Law said documents show Troubadour received recurring payments between the months of October 2014 and March 2015, presumably to generate case studies which validate and propagate a fiendish homosexual agenda.
“Just look at his dead eyes,” Schandling said. “Look at his dude-stare. Look at it.”
The NSA wants ‘front door’ access to all your favorite websites.WASHINGTON, D.C. — Our watchful overlords have decided it is better not to discontinue illegal domestic spying, but to instead make domestic spying legal. The NSA spies on its citizens, which is illegal, as indicated by their desire to legalize it.
A bit of context:
The collection of private data did not start with governments. It has always been the goal of private corporations to learn more about the public as consumers, so they can more effectively sell shit to us. They know you better than you know you. Of course, this is voluntary. We can decline and pay more for groceries, or see shit we don’t want to see on Facebook, and so on, but why would we do that? For some, privacy is that reason. Most others, however, do not care. The government saw people willingly handing their information to corporations. The power-pigs, corporate enablers as they’re known to be, just knew they should be able to see that corporate-owned data, too.
Government bureaucracies are as bad as any bureaucracy. The White House wasn’t “hacked” the other day. The intrusion is owed to a rather typical kind of office dumbass who does not know shit about computers, the type of person who clicks phishing links in their emails and grants backdoor access to Russians. It’s evil when Russians do it. Dirty Russians! They aren’t pure like our perfect secret agents working for NSA.
Moreover, “backdoors” carry all the technophobic hate of a UNIX kernel. The same kind of hate as carried by the Google Webmaster Tools backend, and Ello. It’s probably full of words like API, authentication, and insights, and other techie-sounding words that used to be primary functions of Google tools before every Google feature was reduced to a round button with three lines on it.
Now you can have FRONT DOOR ACCESS! Anybody can walk through a FRONT fucking DOOR! It’s so easy, a Russian could do it! Spying SHOULD be as easy as logging into Facebook and by gum, if it stops terrorists like Germanwings, the Boston bombers, and 9/11, then so fucking be it. Spy on that shit.
The NSA has long since graduated to become a technological insecurity platform dedicated to undoing decades of scientific advancements in the field of cryptography. Now, they want the fruits of their computer crimes – like illegal intrusion and data theft – to be legal, because once that happens, parallel investigations will become the new normal.
What’s next?
Parallel investigations look like this: You smoke a lil weedums. No big deal. Seriously, not even the DEA wants you to stop doing that. Not even the lazy fat bastard of a police officer who pulled you over for a broken taillight cares if you smoke a little pot in front of your Call of Duty. But you also post to a popular, subversive satire site situated in the former Soviet Union. You like to make mean-spirited jokes about the power elite and the ideology that loves them (you fucking cyberterrorist piece of shit).
Most of the time you totally suck at it, but every once in a while you write something that strikes a chord with a lot of people at random times throughout the year, until gradually you become a problem. Suddenly your pot habit becomes a problem, too. Weird how that happens: You see a black SUV in your rearview mirror from time to time, across a span of weeks, to months, until one day agents raid your home, training guns on you. One of them shoots your dog. The rest of them go pilfering through your bongs on a tip, catching you with your brand new fat ounce of danknugs. Isn’t this a violation of your Fourth Amendment rights? Well, not anymore. That’s what the NSA is for, protecting society from people like you. I’ll bet you’re the kind of person that if we watched you long enough, you’d probably do something illegal. Eventually.
Ordinarily, the evidence would be thrown out because the information gathered about your drug activity would be extralegal, or illegal, depending on who you ask. Either way, not admissible in court, unless the NSA gets their legal intrusions. And then all the evidence they’re gathering against us suddenly becomes admissible in a motherfucking court of law.
