This prayer is for all the thousands of visitors funneled into Chronicle.SU from google, believing they have found a pornography web site. Take your hands off your penis and kneel for this. When your family left for church this morning and you refused to go, we know it was so you could masturbate to Internet porn when everyone left the house. This prayer is for you.
Let us pray.
Hallowed be our Lord and Savior Inglip, director of cats and CEO of the Internets.
On this Sunday, make us strong oh Lord, for we have sinned.
We have walked through the valley of the shadow of /b/,
We have bickered with your followers on Twitter,
We have masturbated to your porn twice a day,
And we have streamed illegal content directly into our hard drives.
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into Anonymous,
For thine is the glory,
The Power
And the Internets
Ladies and Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that our dear compatriot Nick Maccombs of the totallyfalse.info has abandoned helm of the fine publication totallyfalse.info.
It is my regret to inform you all Maccombs suffers from Parkinson’s disease, which is no laughing matter. Additionally, he has finally succumbed to a long battle with Alzheimer’s. Nurses close to the editor said he’s “all fucked up” and “pretty much done in.” Nick has forgotten his passwords to everything, and is no longer capable of going online.
It is with great pleasure I announce chronicle.su hereby reserves the right to the Maccombs estate, including the domain totallyfalse.info, as relinquished upon apprenticeship to Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiaries – [outlined in the Legal section of this site.] This includes all intellectual property rights and access to personal finances.
Let us pray:
Dear Lord, we ask that you protect Maccombs on his holy quest. We ask that you make all the dinosaur bones go away, so that people will stop pointing to Nick as proof of your nonexistence, Dear Lord.
As I walk through /b/ in the shadow of death, I need do no evil, for you are with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort and pleasure me.
Amen.
Amen.
All rise.
Except you, Nick.
Rest in Peace.
This message brought to you infinitely by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
As a fellow Representative of Anonymous and friend of Barrett Brown, I have been shocked by recent statements he made in regards to #OpCartel. He posed an open threat to the notorious Zetas, timed perfectly to coincide with news of a major book deal with the decidedly anti-Wikileaks corporation Amazon. While 99% of Anonymous clearly and categorically disowns Brown’s pet project #OpCartel, he works the phones day and night to convince the world the fight is still on. Did Barrett Brown forget that the Internet is serious business?
It is of course absurd to suggest that Brown should remain silent simply because his actions will put lives in danger. This is much more important than that and he’s killed people with Anonymous press releases in North Africa before anyway. He instigated the Arab Spring. Hopefully, this time an army of angry kids in Guy Fawke’s masks will emerge from the shadows, knives in hand, and slit the throats of Zetas with magic dox to steady their hand. Or, in reality, a few wild accusations will be made with questionable evidence obtained through illegal hacking.
Barrett Brown has already connected District Attorney Ron Moore of Asheville, NC with the Zetas. There’s no story. No evidence. Just baseless claims that Brown can only substantiate with stolen information he has not yet made public. Even in a world where rules are quickly changing, that’s not ethical or responsible. Rupert Murdoch uses these same tactics. As #OccupyWallStreet protesters chant, “Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!”
