Month: July 2013

Categories
World

Snowden Omniscience Baffles World

Of all Americans who know how to read [roughly 60 percent], no one is as well-informed as Edward Snowden.

Edward Snowden accesses sensitive files using a mind-computer interface. It would suck to be blind right now, because this picture looks pretty cool.
Edward Snowden accesses sensitive files using a mind-computer interface.

UPDATE: SNOWDEN HAS REVEALED THE IDENTITY OF GOD HIMSELF [CLICK HERE]

If CHRONICLE reports are anything to go by – which they most certainly are – then vigilante Messiah Edward Snowden is the best-informed individual on planet Earth, exposing Mayan calendar prophecy, UFOs, HAARP, chemtrails, and many more conspiracies including, but not limited to, a draconian world surveillance program by the NSA.

Snowden even accurately predicted how his messianic appearance would be received by American mainstream media, so he insisted that prophet Greenwald reveal his image on two separate occasions. Snowden’s first appearance heralded great reminders of previous reports on NSA surveillance and repackaged them in a way most Americans could understand: Your government is spying on YOU. His second appearance recanted evidence brought forth in the first, and reminded listeners he is not an information terrorist, but a concerned citizen who loves and adores all his intelligent Twitter followers.

American citizens being spied on all across the 50 states are dumbfounded by Snowden’s revelations, and trust him completely to lead us into a new era of governmental retreat from their personal lives, friendships, emails and dick pics. Some don’t care. Others trust the government not to abuse its power, even in instances where they could totally get away with it, and nobody would mind.

“It’s just crazy how our government spies on us, but how else are you going to catch the terrorists? I’ve got nothing to hide. Well–nothing major,” said Roanoke resident, restaurant owner, and incest enthusiast Jon Puzo.

Snowden is expected to be black bagged during his flight to Venezuela, only to re-emerge years later before the Supreme Court on charges of a 100-year-old espionage law written as a response to the telephone.

Categories
News

Snowden’s greatest leak

Edward Snowden unveiled documents identifying God as Wilbur Mercer, a mechanic in Georgia.
Edward Snowden unveiled documents identifying God as Wilbur Mercer, a mechanic in Georgia. This is the only known photograph of Mercer.

JERUSALEM — In what will surely be long remembered as the world’s greatest hacking exploit, Edward Snowden accessed God’s Gmail account through the use of PRISM. This comes on the heels of a bloody battle at the Dome of the Rock, where Vatican troops ousted Muslim invaders before Pope Francis declared Snowden Messiah. Earlier this week, Snowden released proof of Ultraterrestrial cities in the mantle of earth, HAARP assassinations, all-seeing SAURON spy satellites, and Muad’Dib’s Chemtrail Geoengineering.

God, according to documents released by Snowden, is a mechanic living in Cuthbert Georgia who goes by the name of Wilbur Mercer.

Snowden gleaned info from Mercer’s Gmail which allowed him to exploit a fundamental error in the laws of physics, giving him root access to Mercer’s system. Snowden quickly determined that our “universe” exists inside of a video game system which is owned and used by Mr. Mercer as a mere diversion from his more complicated world.

The press quickly descended on Mercer with questions about the real world. He responded angrily, “It’s hard to explain a universe with thirty seven dimensions to simulated people in a fake world with only eleven. Just leave me alone or I’ll restart the damn thing. I’m having a good time fixing cars and drinking shine, and I don’t care how this affects the meaning of your fake lives. The entire purpose of your universe is for me to get some kicks fixing cars. Now scram.”

Protesters who believed Mercer capable of also fixing the more profound problems of mankind gathered around his house but were quickly transformed into oak trees. Police in Cuthbert have issued a standing shoot-to-kill order for any pilgrims who seek to disturb God’s most important work. Mercer is currently restoring a ’57 Chevy.

Categories
News Religion Society

Vatican Forces Storm Dome of the Rock, Pope names Snowden Messiah

The Dome of the Rock was captured by Vatican Forces and Pope Francis named Saint Snowden Messiah upon the rock where God spared Abraham the sacrifice of his firstborn son Isaac.
The Dome of the Rock was captured by Vatican Forces and Pope Francis named Saint Snowden Messiah upon the Rock.

JERUSALEM — Saint Edward Snowden landed in Jerusalem today, accompanied by Pope Francis, Glen Greenwild, and an entourage of WikiLeaks agents. After leaking documents proving HAARP assassinations, Chemtrails, Ultraterrestrials, and NSA surveillance, Pope Francis quickly sanctified Saint Snowden.

Tuesday Morning, several hundred heavily armed Swiss commandos from the Vatican captured the Dome of the Rock from Muslim forces. Soon after, in a ceremony which took place atop the Rock — Jews and Christians believe God spared Abraham the sacrifice of his firstborn son Isaac upon the Rock — Pope Francis gave Snowden the name Messiah.

Catholics around the world are celebrating the second coming of Christ, and rabidly searching out a candidate for the Anti-Christ. Because Snowden has pitted himself as the main aggressor in a proxy cyberbattle between America and its most potent allies, most Catholics believe Obama to be the Anti-Christ. Pope Francis has made no comment. However, the Moscow Patriarchate, head of the Russian Orthodox Church, issued statements recognizing Snowden as Messiah and condemned Obama for “unforgivable crimes against humanity.”

The Dome of the Rock has been under Muslim control for centuries, as they believe it is the spot where Mohammed ascended to heaven after discussing matters with both Jesus and Abraham. Those of other religions are no longer allowed near the rock, which is well known to be the place where God is most sensitive to prayer. Jews have lamented their muted prayers by praying at the last remnant of their long-destroyed temple outside the Dome, the Wailing Wall, where some shred of God may still be listening, but probably not. The Wailing Wall is also commonly used by Christians as “God’s Mailbox,” where written prayers reach top priority in God’s reading.

Religious experts do not all agree that Snowden is the second coming of Christ. “Snowden’s another prophet, sure, but no Messiah. Christians have too many messiahs! You know Saint Francis was a messiah, too! Pope Francis is mad. A messiah can’t happen until Jews get the Rock and the temple back,” said Rabbi Jacob Seinfeld, adding, “Gentiles just do not count.”