Author: Cheetah Mogul

Categories
Technology

Blizzard Entertainment shoots Hong Kong protester at point-blank range

From the churning maw of Lebal Drocer, comes

INTERNET CHRONICLE REAL NEWS TRUTH DESK

WHAT THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW

News of the World!
MURDOCH FAMILY ENSLAVES CHEETAHS TO PUBLISH TRUTH FASTER

NEWS OF THE INTERNET

wow! very truthful and honest

CHRONICLE.SU–PREMIERE CHAT NETWORK MADE AVAILABLE TO PUBLIC AT LARGE. IT’S PUBLIC JOURNALISM!

Cheetah
Cheetahs now course through your cerebral cortex.

NEWS OF THE NET FUNCTIONS BY WAY OF A NEURAL NETWORK OF MINIATURE CHEETAHS, AND IF YOU’RE READING THIS, THEN YOU HAVE LITTLE CHEETAHS RUNNING AROUND IN YOU, RIGHT NOW!

THAT’S RIGHT, YOU’VE GOT MICROSCOPIC FUCKING CHEETAHS, AND THEY ARE DOG PADDLING AROUND IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM.

THIS RARE, PATENTED METHOD OF HIGH TRUTH CONTENT ‘JOURNALISM’ JUMPS FROM BRAIN TO BRAIN, TO BRING YOU THE TRUTH, AS FAST AS YOU CAN MAKE IT UP!

FUCK YOUR NEURAL PATHWAYS!

THEY’RE GETTIN’ TORE UP BY THE GORGEOUSLY MARKED FUR OF A MAJESTIC SAVANNAH CAT, SPRINTING THROUGH THE TALL GRASS.

Expert Analysis:

“Years of warmongering, bloodthirstiness, and Sprite commercials featuring basketball players brought society to this inevitable conclusion: the scientific and medical perfection of these tiny cheetahs, turning everyone into citizen journalists. If you got an iPhone, you’re a fucking warrior on the streets, fighting for Truth. If you got cheetahs, ain’t nothing going to stand in your way.”

I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, and I invented the microscopic nano-cheetah. I tend to quote myself throughout my own work.

The following portion of this article is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc., the first multinational corporation to be granted personhood, and the only company that capitulated to China, before it was cool.

Gamer-Gator News:

[insert image of woman-hating alligator]

Blizzard Entertainment shoots Hong Kong protester at point-blank range

Hearthstone “too boring” but “not shitty” enough for Chinese markets, critics warn.

HONG KONG–Scenes of violence played out across Hong Kong Tuesday as anti-government protesters fought for independence from China on the country’s 70th anniversary. Hong Kong has been under a condition of civil unrest for more than four months, after China announced dibs on the unique city, which spent much of its history living in a more civilized manner while under British colonial rule. Blizzard joins the ranks of Google and Facebook as the NBA sweethearts of the People’s Republic of China.

Blitzchung, an 18-year-old protester, was killed execution-style with a snubnose .38 revolver discharged by a top executive at the California-based videogame company Blizzard Entertainment, while exchanges of tear gas and moo-shu cocktails took place around the city’s 13 districts. Blizzard entertainment is the video game giant behind StarCraft, World of Warcraft, and Hearthstone.

During Blizzard’s official broadcast of the Asia-Pacific Grandmasters competition, the now-executed Blitzchung appeared in a post-match interview wearing a gas mask. As the broadcast ended, Blitzchung shouted “Liberate Hong Kong, revolution of our age,” as the hapless and irresponsible Blizzard newscasters ineffectually hid from Blitzchung’s message behind their hollow desk. They were subsequently stripped of all clothing and fired into space as an integral component in the latest testing of China’s Long March 11.

Broadcasters tried, fruitlessly, to hide from the Broverlord.

Blizzard Entertainment is now at the center of controversy after the public learned of its pivotal role in the violent and murderous suppression of dissent from Hong Kong protestors. Blizzard’s retribution to critics has been swift and merciless including toxic gas, sonic assault beacons, and privatized robot police squads to patrol Hong Kong, as well as a billion dollar tax-deductible write-off to the CIA front, non-profit Video Games Free Asia.

Now that freedom and democracy threaten Blizzard’s standing with the People’s Republic of China, Blizzard CEO Michael Morhaime told reporters over a hot, smoking revolver, “This time, the bullshit is done”.

Morhaime threatened to crush opposition to the People’s Republic of China, and swore a solemn oath to protect both born and unborn video game consumers at a solemn ritual in the South China Sea. This historic ultimatum was heralded by a deep, honeyed foghorn and the detonation of a distant tactical nuke, which pierced through the smog of China’s forbidden media market, a final beacon of lost hope and freedom.

“If you think Blitzchung was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet,” Morhaime said. “We have just executed the first of many protesters we intend to shoot who would dare defy the mechanical purity of Hearthstone. Why, when I’m finished with Hong Kong, they’ll be calling me Michael Moreharm!”

Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregiver.
Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregivers, even while they are helping him.

But Michael “Moreharm,” as he’s now known on Chinese Social Media Weibo, isn’t the only billionaire trying to horn in on the trillions of potential Chinese consumers. Eccentric thrillionaire and Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh T. Sakers said millions of Chinese have knelt at his feet, licking the boots of pig officers and chewing on still-smoking rubber bullets.

“But that’s alright by me,” Raleigh says. “I like my boots clean. Now lay down and chew that toy, dog.”

“They’re people just like you and me,” Raleigh said. “Me? I name my people. This one’s a Chinaman, but–you guessed it–I call him José. José why don’t you come here, son, let me tuck your shirt in for you.”[pullquote]Come here, son, let me tuck your shirt in for you.

Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.[/pullquote]

Sakers makes sport of his Chinese workers, flipping their noses, forcing them to play fetch, fucking their wives–he says it keeps him young.

Videogame expert and Kotaku journalist Heather Marsh, who wrote her own Wikipedia article, said, “Blizzard might have an Ace up its sleeve now that Hearthstone is doomed to dessication and the permanent taint of murderous dictatorship. They are about to unleash a Chinese-only mobile augmented reality environment based around gamifying crypto-microtransactions with artificial rarity in micro-economies. It’s like Pokemon Go, only more costly and addictive.”

Dr. Troubadour, trusted researcher and Chinese futurist, said it could be just what the company needs to parlay the global backlash into huge dividends.

“Even the true die-hard fans will eagerly pre-order Blizzard’s upcoming release, Dissent Crush Saga. And considering Trump’s plan to weaken the dollar, every investment in China is worth ten times an investment in the West.”

Raleigh says that’s just great. Moreharm says watch out, fuckbois: Blizzard gon’ keep your prize winnings, and take what China give ’em, too! Dr. Troubadour, as you’ll recall, gave you cheetahs.

Cheetah Mogul is a proud beast of elegant efficiency, and he courses within your veins like a ghost in the shell, designing the world not as it “really is” but as YOU perceive it.

“Yeah, we thought you’d like that.”

Cheetah Mogul is brought to you intelligently by the Internet Chronicle: Where your dreams become reality.

CHRONICLE.SU IS A LEBAL DROCER PRODUCTION. ANY ATTEMPT TO REPRODUCE THESE MATERIALS BY CREATING COPY, SIMULATION, OR MENTION IN YOUR MIND WILL BE INTERPRETED AS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION, TAKING PLACE WITH OR WITHOUT DR. TROUBADOUR’S PATENTED CHEETAH BLOOD ENHANCEMENT, LEAVING YOU OPEN TO CIVIL SUIT, INJURY, OR DEATH.

“I am the one who controls the sun.”

–The Lebal Drocer Promise (Hussein 14:27 Beautiful Babies, verse 9)*

*[Full text: Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo.]

In other news

President Trump accused the FBI of falling behind in high-profile civil rights assassinations

Mark Zuckerberg comes forward with new information on Hunter Biden

Secret Court: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphillis infections hit new highs in one man’s pants

California becomes first state to allow intentional HIV infections

Group of teen girls kidnapped after setting trap for California pedophile

More than 340 elves will be out of work before Christmas

Louis CK convicted of harassing Parkland victims’ families

China state TV heralds Internet Chronicle: ‘it is a bastion of prosperity’

A dog saved his owner from a devastating housefire by continuously nagging him to change the batteries in a smoke detector

Jerry Falwell Jr. suspected of “raping angels”

Vape Crisis: more than 100 people are under supervision after looking like severe douchebags

Works Cited

Anti-Leader’s Handbook

Cheetah Mogul Methodology and Research Manual, Vol. II (Lebal Drocer Press)

Lebal Drocer BOOK OF PROVERBS (TM)

chronicle.su

Categories
Politics Technology

Kim Jong Un shut-in, “addicted to gaming”

PYONGYANG—Petulant rumors percolating after reports by Western media outlets slandered benevolent North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, falsely suggest the glorious leader has been deposed by his own cabinet.

But accoding to official sources, this rumor is Western propaganda. “Kim Jong Un is very proud of the liberal DPRK landscape, where healthy, legal marijuana grows as freely as elections,” an anonymous official stated on the trusted DPRK news site.

This is the last known photograph of Kim Jong Un sitting upright. Kim, now bed-ridden, is gleefully addicted to massively multiplayer online role-playing games.
This is the last known photograph of Kim Jong Un sitting upright. Kim, now bed-ridden, is gleefully addicted to massively multiplayer online role-playing games.

The Internet Chronicle is pleased to report that not only is Kim Jong Un in top health, his aides indicate the dictator is safe and in charge on a bed composed entirely of living people, enjoying the finest Swedish pharmaceutical products.

Sources close to the Supreme Leader said the media frenzy surrounding his whereabouts have deeply agitated him, driving him further into terrific madness.

“He gets so bummed out when his advisors say he has to trot out and keep the people excited,” said Cho Seung Whuey, personal guard to Kim Jong Un. “He’s like, ‘let me keep playing CoD guys,’ and ‘fuck this.’ But yeah, that’s where he’s been. Gaming off.”

Blizzard Entertainment, creators of the popular Diablo, Warcraft and StarCraft franchises, said they recently investigated growing bandwidth use tying up their servers and emanating from North Korea.

“[Kim Jong Un] is responsible for 100% of the country’s traffic to Blizzard, operating one of the largest guilds in World of Warcraft and decimating South Koreans in both Starcraft and Starcraft 2 under the username DearLeader007,” Edward Nomura, Blizzard’s spokesperson, said.

Kim Jong Un’s epic bedridden gaming binge has once again popularized the Jouse 3, a mouth-controlled advanced joystick-operated plug-and-play solution for quadriplegics, which Un ordered after doctors installed a heroin drip to soothe his bed sores.

An inspired Kim Un got the idea after witnessing the great success of twitch.tv streamer NoHandsKen, who plays MMORPGs using the Jouse 3.

“Now he can just lay there like a fucking invalid,” Whuey said, “and continue to level up.”

Whuey praised Great Leader’s efficiency. He said he routinely feeds Un Cokes while the dictator, connected to various tubes and monitors, lies practically motionless aside from his constantly twitching mouth.

“For a while we had him hooked up to feeding tubes and a catheter,” Whuey said. “He looked like Darth Vader. We thought it was really cool.”

But Whuey said the catheter offered Great Leader little in the way of sexual creativity.

“He was laying on a human bed afterall,” Whuey explained. “So I said, ‘Why not just plug your dick into one of those young girls from the villages? You spend all this time gaming out on the human bed, so why not enjoy a human catheter?”

“Every so often he will thrust his hips,” Whuey said, “And you can tell he sort of enjoys that, sort of half-banging that young lady, and using her as a toilet also.”

Some medical problems have arisen by no fault of the leader. The girl has begun to yellow from jaundice, Whuey said, and became sick from Un’s waste.

“She appears to be dying from an extremely preventable embolism,” he said. “It is the kind of thing that can be avoided under normal circumstances, but this was best for the country.”

Journalist and geopolitical expert Geraldo Rivera said the People’s Revolution and Juche Ideology did not fully disseminate into Un’s heightened consciousness, but was attenuated by generations of inbreeding.

“He’s a third generation dictator,” Rivera, who is a noteworthy detractor of the DPRK, said. “By the time you get that far it’s all a life of delusion.”

Nancy Grace has publicly condemned the dictator’s salacious lifestyle, saying his decadent fantasies-come-true are a distraction from world politics.

“If you ask me,” Grace said, “he probably spent too much time a-layin on that human bed and not enough watching his empire.”

Categories
News

Pro-life scientist clones thousands of "aborted" babies

Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.
Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.

WISCONSIN — Scientist, Polymath, and newly recognized Saint of the Divinity Megachurch Consortium Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador proudly announced, “Thanks be to the grace of God and the miracles of modern science, that today a thousand babies, once aborted by mothers, were saved.”

Through an underground network of dissident health industry workers, the DNA of every American child aborted in a licensed facility has been collected, cataloged, and preserved. For decades, the problem of cloning this database of nameless children has been solved, but breakthroughs in rapid prototyping, robotics, chemical synthesis, and virtual reality have allowed for the final steps of the subversive pro-life scientist’s crusade against abortion.

Dr. Troubador said, at a raucous press release, “We’ve been able to clone children since the 90’s, and I predicted it would be only another two decades until we could automate the raising of a child and provide for their material needs entirely in the dumpster biosphere. It wasn’t hard. We took out their DNA – from the trash bins behind Satan’s clinics – and plugged it into a computer,” Troubadour said.

Dr. Troubador has been able to quickly produce thousands of prototype incubators, which auto-install into most standard dumpsters and run entirely off of solar energy. The incubators have a robotic unit that will sort edible materials out of the trash for the babies, as the babies are entertained by a never ending stream of church propaganda, Fox News, and bible study.

Dr. Troubador wrote of some risks while in the early stages of his project and still in the stage of collecting DNA from aborted fetuses back in the 80’s, “There is a small risk that the purifying food re-synthesis unit will fail because of overly toxic trash, robotic failure, or a lack of biomaterials or moisture in the dumpster. However, I’ve calculated that only a handful of these babies will die this way, and that we’ll at the same time successfully bring back potentially millions of aborted babies with this technology. If some die, they can always be cloned again.”

Tammy Faulkland, 34, said she was shocked to discover with her aborted child who had been extracted, as DNA, from a Planned Parenthood dumpster more than five years ago.

“The baby was a-layin’ there in the dumpster watchin’ a screen like that man in A Clockwork Orange, just absorbing all that religious hate,” Faulkland said. “I just about didn’t recognize him, in his little box in there. Son of a bitch looked just like his daddy, but in a clean little box instead of him covered in piss and used condoms.”

Faulkland said she did not ask for her child back, but by miracle of God and science, he appeared.
“It’s a lot like the story of Jesus,” she said. “He was gone one day, and then later on he’s back, like a zombie, except he wants everybody to think and believe just like Him in perfect uniformity.”

Dr. Troubadour’s incubators are indistinguishable from traditional dumpsters. From the outside, they are green, blue, black; some have lids, and some do not; through neoliberal powerhousehouse Lebal Drocer, Inc., they are much more.

“The likelihood of you throwing a baby or fetus into a 3D-printed Lebal Drocer-brand Refuse-Reuse-Reanimation Facility is upwards of 99 percent,” Troubadour said. “If you throw a baby or a fetus, or a dead cat – or anything – into one of our mass-produced facilities, there is a good chance it will come back as a pro-life freedom fighter.”

Already, churches aligned with Dr. Troubador’s project are urging their congregations to “throw away more food” to feed the aborted children being raised in dumpsters. This Sunday, Pastor Mel Frederickson addressed his megachurch congregation, saying, “Today is a day like none other, because today I can announce that every child ever aborted is going to be brought back to life by Saint Troubador! Through God’s Grace the leftovers of society, thrown out because of Satan’s planned parents, are going to eat on our leftovers. But thousands of babies, brought back to life in every county, town, and city means there are going to be a lot of needy, and the church needs to take them under our wing. Give more to the trash. It’s as simple as that.”

Corporate troughs like Burger King, McDonald’s and KFC have instituted strict “pro-waste” policies, insisting on permanent termination of any employee caught using expired food at home, or donating stale bread to soup kitchens. Representatives from Chic-Fil-A said they now throw away half of every food order, to save America’s godless unborn.

At a Chik-Fil-A in the Clarksville Mall, manager Strom Stormerson announced that every Sunday, his Chik-Fil-A franchise will be serving free chicken sandwiches, limit one per customer, but he hopes customers will chip in and buy at least two orders of filling, delicious waffle fries.

“The secular left who thinks the world owes them a hand-out finally has one,” Stormerson said. “Here’s your fuckin’ handout, faggots: How about a free chicken sandwich that some unappreciative high school kids will order – just so they can throw it out – and feed our blessed child army.”