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Society

Julian Assange Takes Sides on #Gamergate Controversy

LONDON—Julian Assange expressed support for #Gamergate, Wednesday, during an interview with Vanity Fair at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Assange is set to release a personal clothing line and spoke to Vanity Fair about his personal life, “I want to dispel the notion that I’m one-dimensional or machine-like. Others have painted false images of me for too long, and the public deserves something closer to reality. I’m into fashion, hiking, as well as video gaming. Believe me, I have a life outside of WikiLeaks.” Assange mused, “CounterStrike and Civilization 2 are games that only get better the more you play them. Some video games are timeless.”

julian assange
Assange opened up on his personal life to Vanity Fair and spoke in support of #Gamergate

The video gaming industry was recently rocked by the so-called #Gamergate controversy, in which documents were leaked outlining the systematic sexual exploitation of Zoe Quinn by powerful voices in the gaming industry, as well as her payment — lucrative exposure in many of the world’s biggest video game publications. Assange told Vanity Fair, “Gamergate is yet another kind of phenomenon where hackers and whistleblowers have leaked information and exposed evil. I don’t see what’s controversial about that. I support #Gamergate.”

Just a few weeks after its launch, advocates for Gamergate entered a level of group mania that was intolerable for typical browsers of 4chan. After being banned for harping on the same tired #Gamergate story for too long, #Gamergate fans created their own forum, 8chan, accusing 4chan’s creator, Moot, as well as other moderators, of sleeping with the enemy. They now fester away at endless threads about the same tired stuff and continuously send spam emails to members of the news media pleading their case, desperate to change their floundering image. Often employing hacking, doxing, and intimidation campaigns, Internet Sociologist Dr. Cecilia Darwin says, “The Gamergate movement is only one misogynist face of the Anonymous collective.”

Critics of Assange quickly tied his support for Gamergate in with his pending rape charges in Sweden, and anti-Wikileaks spokesperson Greg Mierolo told reporters, “Facing trial for rape is completely unacceptable for Assange’s image, and even the threat of the trial is a black mark. Like all heroes, too many look to the good deeds and not to the bad, but I cannot look past anything, no matter the cause. In trying to masquerade as an actual human, Assange has revealed his utter monstrosity, psychopathy, and misogyny. Is he a rapist? That’s up for the courts to decide.”

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Health

Ebola Goes Viral

INTERNET—Ebola memes flooded across the internet Monday, staggering the net’s very infrastructure as the phenomenon stepped up three levels of magnitude and “went viral.” From cleverly captioned grim images of death by hemorrhagic fever, to a spine-chilling anime character known as “Ebola Chan,” pestilential humor on “white twitter” wallowed and chirped in its natural state of racist white pride and its characteristic schadenfreude, and then, as if mad with guilt, certain white radicals called each other out for rubbing noses with a man who tattooed a swastika on his chest. Impassable bridges were burned in an offering for the distant sufferers, now more distant than ever.

Meanwhile, the American military, in conjunction with their friends at Apple, prepared an emergency airdrop of solar powered 3d printers, which will likely land in Liberia Tuesday afternoon and start pumping out high-value medical supplies instantly. The CDC continues to call for donations, as only 250 million of the one billion dollars they’ve requested has been raised. The CDC was so desperate for cash it set up a system for the donation of bitcoins, dogecoins, anoncoins, and many other alternatives to bitcoin.

CDC chairman Eric Walterson told reporters, “We need as much money as we can get as soon as we can get it, or we could all die and it could cost us a lot more. We need laptops, needles, hazmat suits, coffee, overtime and hazard pay. Help us save the hell out of Africa, it’s a marathon and we’ve got to sprint the whole way, much like the very first marathon, but it could be the very last if we don’t see some cash soon. And if we make enough money, we can hold onto these bitcoins until they hit 10,000 bucks each and we could solve all our budget issues forever.”

American Ebola patient is seen in plastic FEMA style coffin.
Ebola Memes are the hottest memes out there right now. Learn more about them here!

NPR agreed to switch over to cover-to-cover fundraising for the CDC and will be airing nothing but Ebola related interviews and breaking Ebola news for the next week. NPR producer Finn Turnlop told reporters:

“We’re doing what we can in a dire and potentially deadly situation. Everyone should be extremely careful with who they touch or see in daily life, and we’re going to drive that message home for listeners. We’re going to drive it home hard. We’re going to make a change this time. America must make a stand for its very survival.”

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Categories
Status Quo Technology

One World Trade Secretly a Space Ship

INTERNET—Sources say One World Trade is in fact a secret space ark built to shelter the super-rich through the oncoming mega-geodegradation from climate change and crust resettlement.

Rocketry expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters:

“This planet is fucked. Nothing we can do but quietly pack things up for orbit and send our boys off to as many suicidal wars as we can possibly afford. One World Trade might be ten thousand years in orbit, but it’s designed for that. Not everyone on the surface will die, and it will take hundreds of years for things to really get bad, but you can expect a thousand times more volcanic eruptions and earthquakes due to fracking, drilling, and mining, as well as totally destabilized climates on the local level, not just small global shifts up or down in temperature. Your temperate hometown may turn into a glacial valley, a tropical rainforest, or maybe even a desert overnight. And then change back again, in a week. The elites know there’s more happening than a slow, gentle change, and they’ve got the ultimate trump card. Tickets on One World Trade start at a billion dollars a piece.”

As citizens finally accept that Al-Qaeda and ISIS are puppets created by the US government to facilitate the secret spaceship building plan, perhaps a revolution will take to the streets and force the elites out of power.

One World Trade is the world’s biggest rocket and space station.

It may be too late though, as folks in Ferguson saw that even small local police forces have already heavily militarized themselves, and Fema is waiting to put on the mass funeral. At this point, one push of a button and the global elites can never be overthrown again. Even if we did overtake the militarized police with our strong support of the second amendment, they’d just launch themselves right off into space.