GENEVA—Each year in December the Uncles of America Society has convened since 1972. This year a special meeting was called six weeks ahead of schedule to recognize one guy: Uncle Randy.
After the 68th annual meeting of the Uncle society, Uncle Randy was said to be cool as hell in their report, and funny too.
“He’s just a pretty good old boy from what we figured of him,” Chairman Uncle Chuck said. “Randy is a fine driver, too.”
“They put a maggot under your— into your belly and eat you from the inside out.”
—Randy talks spam callers, 2025
Uncle Mike said Randy’s funnier than hell, long as you can put up with him.
“Randy’ll say one thing, and it’s only kind of funny,” Mike said. “Then he repeats it ’cause he wants that same laugh but it’s not funny anymore. Some time goes by. Randy says it again. He keeps saying it. 15 minutes go by, Randy’s still saying it, he says it again, ‘Did you boil the boomerhides, Daddy?’ and I’ll be a son of a gun if it ain’t funny again.”
Uncle Chris said him and Randy used to go nip-hunting on a Saturday night. Nip-hunting, less vulgar than it sounds, simply means to go out on the weekend looking to get acquainted with an old woman’s fat tits.
“We was out there nip-huntin all hours of the night till the damn sun come up, and where you think I was?” Chris said. “I was a layin in the ditch and woke up to the sights and sound of Randy beating the doors off his ’65 Impala with a 20-lb sledgehammer.”
Chuck, who says the vehicle did not belong to Randy, cites the incident as a “cornerstone Randy experience,” stating in the report that property laws cease to apply in the presence of madness and that by daybreak, that car belonged to history:
“Like I said earlier, we hereby recognize Uncle Randy as a pretty good old boy, crazy though and I should add, a rough and tumble kinda guy.”
He just likes laughing and having a good time.
Hi, I’m Dr. Troubadour. I was reading today story bout a scientist who got sad when his wife died. committed the rest of his life – decades to the torture of helpless baby monkeys for months on end, just to prove that they can suffer. Hey, yeah, thanks for that wealth of knowledge, Harry Harlow. I’m a modern feminist Doctor for the Modern Woman, and I think you know what means. I sell books, magazines, medicine, cars. Lebal Drocer, they do some good in this world, too. That’s why we partnered to create an abortion pill that is meant to be crushed up and snorted like xanax. Make the next one a molly, because that’s in there too.