Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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World

Snowden Omniscience Baffles World

Of all Americans who know how to read [roughly 60 percent], no one is as well-informed as Edward Snowden.

Edward Snowden accesses sensitive files using a mind-computer interface. It would suck to be blind right now, because this picture looks pretty cool.
Edward Snowden accesses sensitive files using a mind-computer interface.

UPDATE: SNOWDEN HAS REVEALED THE IDENTITY OF GOD HIMSELF [CLICK HERE]

If CHRONICLE reports are anything to go by – which they most certainly are – then vigilante Messiah Edward Snowden is the best-informed individual on planet Earth, exposing Mayan calendar prophecy, UFOs, HAARP, chemtrails, and many more conspiracies including, but not limited to, a draconian world surveillance program by the NSA.

Snowden even accurately predicted how his messianic appearance would be received by American mainstream media, so he insisted that prophet Greenwald reveal his image on two separate occasions. Snowden’s first appearance heralded great reminders of previous reports on NSA surveillance and repackaged them in a way most Americans could understand: Your government is spying on YOU. His second appearance recanted evidence brought forth in the first, and reminded listeners he is not an information terrorist, but a concerned citizen who loves and adores all his intelligent Twitter followers.

American citizens being spied on all across the 50 states are dumbfounded by Snowden’s revelations, and trust him completely to lead us into a new era of governmental retreat from their personal lives, friendships, emails and dick pics. Some don’t care. Others trust the government not to abuse its power, even in instances where they could totally get away with it, and nobody would mind.

“It’s just crazy how our government spies on us, but how else are you going to catch the terrorists? I’ve got nothing to hide. Well–nothing major,” said Roanoke resident, restaurant owner, and incest enthusiast Jon Puzo.

Snowden is expected to be black bagged during his flight to Venezuela, only to re-emerge years later before the Supreme Court on charges of a 100-year-old espionage law written as a response to the telephone.

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Categories
Religion

Snowden Granted Sainthood

Asylum in the Vatican!

Edward SnowdenPope Francis not only offered Asylum to the renegade NSA staffer and media villain, Edward Snowden, but has granted the man Sainthood in a controversial decision that has the highest priests in Rome praying for simple answers.

“What Snowden did for the suffering masses,” said the Pope, “is something we should expect not from worldly saints such as Kateri Tekakwitha or our hero Edward Snowden – but from ourselves. All people should be attuned to be atoned, to our suffering flock. We are all Edward Snowden. We all have the capacity to be saints.”

Hardline Vatican conservatives blasted the Pope for what is being called “reckless saint honor” in the church.

The Pope offers asylum to Snowden as a gesture of peace to South American Catholics who suffered at the hands of American CIA operations to remove democratically elected officials by assassination and replace them with fundamentalist dictators, turning the entire continent into a Third World Plantation.

“The next thing you know,” said opponent Benito Del Mussili, “We’ll grant sainthood to Barack Obama, or a Kardashian. When will this reckless saint honor before the media finally stop?”

Some priests have reportedly blessed their computers and handheld mobile devices.

Although the Guardian today released a newly-edited version of Glenn Greenwald’s interview with Snowden, there is still no official word from Snowden as to whether he will accept either Sainthood, asylum in Vatican City, neither, or both.

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Categories
Hate

News Editorial

We should have the NSA.

And I’m glad women are second class citizens. I hope the NSA is still doing that thing where they spy on their own wives because they’re insecure with who they are.

I’m glad the war’s going to continue another 20 years. I just wish we had enough money left over for 50.

I’m glad we have smartphones. I’m glad idiots have something to do with their hands, and to do their thinking for them.

I hope a nuclear weapon discharges by accident because we STUXNET’d the wrong group. And I hope a lot of brown people die needlessly.

State sponsored terrorism is the terrorism for me. It’s not even terrorism, if you ask the right people. We are fighting for freedom. We’re freedom fighters.

CHRONICLE.SU IS A PROUD SUPPORTER OF FREEDOM FIGHTERS FOR DEMOCRACY. FOR WAR.