You ever want to take shit from over here, to over there?
So did Larry Tesler. Because computers are faster at editing than sharp tools, the ability to cut and paste pages worth of material was a godsend to writers, and a natural transformation of computer technology so critical to life today, that it’s hard to believe one magical man, up in the sky, could have possibly delivered it to us. Seems like we would have come up with that on our own, eventually. Thanks anyway, Larry.
No, but seriously
Stenographers hate him!
Larry Tesler became King of the Keyboard with one simple trick.
Fans mourn Larry, acclaimed inventor of Copy and Paste.exe for Windows ME Year 2000 Edition and up. They said it couldn’t be done. He copied and pasted their bleating doubts:
It can’t be done!
–The ignorant flock who doubted Larry Tesla
So he gets credit for copy and paste from way back in the day. He might not have even enforced a patent on it. We don’t pay royalties. Do you?
The Internet Chronicle is raising money for Tarry’s surviving family members. Find the email on here and send us a link to whatever you got. Some kids are missing their daddy right now as he’s wallowing in the Satanic mire of celestial damnation, and by Gum, we’re gonna collect on it.
Because only God has the power to create in one hand while destroying with the other. In this sense, Larry Tesler was God.
Or so he believed
God threw Larry in Hell for leading people away from Him. Tesler was a good man, but this mortal life got away with him. He moved on from copying and pasting lines of code, to cutting and pasting to directories and fro. His experiments grew.
Cut and Paste, Larry that’s real cute, as you burn in Hell for all eternity, after playing God.
Eventually, his incessant copying and pasting of humanity itself bloomed like algae to consume all the world around him, transforming his once happy existence, which he shared on a countryside with a dog, and the dog’s loving family, into a nightmarish paradox realm where creation and destruction behave as one.
It goes without saying, God got mad. The townsfolk were upset. Even Mayor Bloomberg threw a little money down.
Larry Tesla felt the sting of Satan’s pitchforks jabbing into him — the Devil’s opening salvo — to mark the occasion of Tesla’s permanent damnation, and banishment to the eternal pit of lost souls.
Larry Tesla, who now only hears the moaning wails of tortured nonbelievers, worked for Apple from 1980 to 1997, growing the company to a lovable, artist-oriented development suite before leaving. Larry would not see the company become a phone-based, product as a subscription-based whatever the fuck.
Otherwise, Larry lived a good life. He was “a pretty good ol’ boy.”
Angstrom H. Troubador's new self-help health book for "bros," Healthy as Fuck, is in stores now!
A new product by Lebal Drocer, Inc. threatens to tear the world asunder!
The all-new Diet for the Modern Man, updated for 2020 by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour threatens to shred the fabric of society as fresh, handsome young men in their early 20s graduate from the Dr. Troubadour School of Nutrition and Sports Medicine.
Gary, Indiana: City Hall has not yet acknowledged the TerrorMax water crisis.
A key element in their dietary plan is a spray-on TerrorMax from a bottle with few labels or indicators as to its makeup and origin. It simply reads: TerrorMax — Spray directly onto the activity centers of your body. Wait 30 minutes between applications.
The controversial product is shown to cause nerve damage and paranoid hallucinations of grandeur.
You can be an inhuman monster just like this man — Read Healthy As Fuck! by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, and dehydrate yourself until your skin is nothing but a thin sheet over your muscles. It also decreases chances of ball itch!
Side effects of the drug TerrorMax include madness, arousal, and an insatiable lust for liberty. These volatile properties, Troubadour and his students suspect, have yet to be fully harnessed.
Where his cunning, prescient students learned to substitute vital nutrients for Red Bull, TerrorMax, and Benadryl allergy medicine, they studied under the young legend Dr. Angstrom Troubadour himself, of the Lebal Drocer Institute of Medicine and Dean of the Troubadour School of Nutrition and Sports Medicine.
Real Doctor
“When you take a shit, all the constituents for human feces are there,” Troubadour said. “However, on my ‘experiemental’ spray-on TerrorMist, your movements remain regular, but your shit now contains caustic compounds, vital to the destruction of threats in the body. My special acids will break down pipes in the home, and even diminish the collective function of all city sewer systems, not yet equipped for this revolutionary new diet for the modern man. This diet is so advanced, it is already pushing the limits of the infrastructure itself. Y’all motherfuckers be getting RIPPED, and I know it.”
Troubadour and his team of professional researchers at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals produced a white paper outlining a diet of energy drinks, experimental drugs freshly approved by the FDA, and LSD.
“I told my guys we’re not trying to win a Nobel. We’re just trying to get super healthy, have a good time, and do the things that men do,” Troubadour said. “We just threw a little LSD in there. So what? I do wonder, though, if a person was trying to be healthy, then why are they reading the Internet Chronicle?”
[pullquote]”It’s not the kind of acid you throw in somebody’s face. This is going into your food,” Troubadour said. “If you’re going to throw acid in a woman’s face, you better have the right kind of acid!”[/pullquote]
For some reason, the FDA approved it. They went over it, and found many problems with it. FDA people are a little more optimistic than they used to be, however, and so they passed the drug with flying colors!
“We looked at the shit. It looks pretty bad, if I’m being honest, but it’s not 1994. We are not going to sit here pretending like we give a shit, anymore. Yes, it had problems. Yes, we passed it. Yes, I used to be a consultant for Lebal Drocer, Pharmaceuticals. No, I will not perform oral on you. You want special treatment, bring a gift basket and I’ll meet you around back. I want a Camaro, rented for the night. I’ll return it by 7 a.m. That gets the FDA out of the way.”
–Mysterious diary leaflet LEAKED by a shifty-eyed FDA liaison
A 45-year-old man named Joe, who was at one time addicted to cheeseburgers, got on Dr. Troubadour’s diet plan. It changed his life for the better. He was eating cheeseburgers, he was all stopped up, and found himself in front of Dr. Troubadour’s intake office, in a strip mall outside Gary, Indiana.
“I jumped up in the air and clicked my heels together!” Joe said. “Every cheeseburger I ate resulted in me shitting an equivalent size turd. I once ate a fig newton and a balled up turd popped out. It resembled a lump of cookie dough.”
But Joe’s problem was not with his baby goat shit pellets. Those were cute, he said, and made his kids laugh. The real issue was with his completely wrecked home plumbing.
Because of the Troubadour diet, Joe’s toilet exits through a now useless, busted and corroded pipe hanging loose inside the wall, throwing acid-enhanced shit water into the insulation and floors, which is seeping through the wood, and destroying his concrete foundation.
Because Joe’s two children lived down at eye level with his toxic shit-water, they are being treated at Health Insurance Memorial Hospital for skin burns and inhalation.
Joe’s wife, who asked not to be named, has vacated the home with their children. She is now living it up with all the Brads and Chads she can handle, from the surf shops of Venice Beach, to the inlets and coves of beautiful Bombay. “They had veins bulging out of everywhere,” she texted Joe. “They took me to new heights of pleasure.”
Three strange men will raise Joe’s children as their own.“That’s gut rot!”
As nights became weeks of repeated orgasmic ecstasy, Joe’s wife would never return to her foul, and ruined man, whose bowel movements still poison the air with the acrid stench of death.
However tragic that may be, what she still has not realized is that the chemicals in TerrorMax can “run hot” exiting the urethra. Doctor Angstrom T. advises that his patients use a “controlled stream” when relieving yourselves like the sick animals you are, or run the risk of fully blowing out your own piss-hole.
Troubadour says, “Don’t come crawling back to us when the end of your winky looks like Elmer Fudd’s exploding rifle. I tried to warn you!”
Sensing trouble, Dr. Troubadour then exited this story through an open window in the bathroom, and was never heard from again.
The same thing happening with Joe’s pipes in the wall is also happening to Joe’s intestines and bowels.
In fact, his pipes have become so gunky and weak that he had a lamb’s bladder installed in his body requiring daily surgery to replace a special, proprietary blend of Red Bull over TerrorMax, sold in convenient, non-biodegradable pods. It was a problem Joe could not ignore, but once he confronted it, Lebal Drocer was there with a litany of monkey’s paw miracle medicine.
“They use a lamb’s bladder because it’s compatible with your body,” Joe said. “It’s a daily procedure, and yes it does get costly, but in the long run you see that it’s worth it. I save so much in TerrorMax bypassing my digestive tract in this manner. Just as quick as they patch me back up, I spring up from the operatin’ table and I’m ready to go, go, go.”
Joe’s doing great. The diet for the modern man has revolutionized the way he and his remaining family experience the world. His cousins believe they can taste color via sound waves in the air, and have shown an intriguing capacity for detecting predators through walls from up to 90 meters away, keeping America safe from Iran.
Joe mails his wife alimony and child support for an undisclosed amount– something close to everything he’s got left.
And the kids? Thanks to TerrorMax in Flintstones chewable tablets, the children are flying around like bats, demonstrating perfect command over their bodies as they flutter about the earth in free form.
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc
Richmond, Va. — Local dumbass Darby Sutton walked through the wrong apartment door as he tried to get home to his third floor apartment Saturday night, after an evening spent drinking heavily with strange friends his girlfriend does not approve of.
Upon entering his apartment building’s main front door, Mr. Sutton proceeded to ascend just two flights of stairs before walking in on his downstairs neighbors, who he said were “sittin’ on the floor right there in front of me as I walked in.”
Mr. Sutton reportedly said nothing as he backed out of the apartment in which he witnessed a half-naked girl and her boyfriend smoking marijuana in the room directly in front of him. The sight of the hedonism left him speechless and vulnerable.
He then closed the door and bolted up the third and final flight of stairs, entered his own apartment, and locked the door behind him. Slumping to the dark floor of his own foyer, Sutton ignored the screaming voices of his neighbors calling up to him. He burned hot with embarrassment.
“I didn’t want them to know who I was,” Sutton later explained. “So I just hurried up to my own place and shut the door behind me. I laughed about it so hard to my roommates. They think I am an asshole.”
When asked if Mr. Sutton apologized to the couple, he indicated that he did not want to say anything.
“It just didn’t seem like it would fit in with the conversation they were already having, before I barged in like the police,” Sutton said. “They looked up at me with looks of fear and surprise in their eyes. They were looking up at me like they was on TerrorMax, but still I don’t think they saw me long enough to really recognize me as their neighbor.”
19-year-old Kimothy Longhead, from apartment 2a, said she’d already seen Mr. Sutton around, and immediately recognized him when he entered her home.
“We went after him because we just wanted to meet him. He seems like a really nice guy and we wanted to ask if he could get our mail next week while we’re out of town.”
It was an honest mistake, Longhead explained, adding that this had happened with previous tenants.
Her boyfriend Snake said Sutton’s sudden disappearance was a missed opportunity for connection, and to expect a craigslist post about it.
“I guess he was embarrassed when he saw Kim sitting there in her underwear, but truth be told, Kim was right then yearning for an anonymous threesome with somebody she’d never met before. So when he walked in it was as though God had answered our decadent prayers. I just wanted to see if he was interested in coming back down for some experimentation with me and my loose woman. We would have really appreciated it, and it would have been the perfect proof to her daddy that he can’t control her no more, she’s gonna do what she wants, with me or any other man of my choosing.”
— Snake
Longhead and her boyfriend indicated that Sutton had already walked in to their apartment on several occasions before now.
Longhead told The Elf Wax Times, “We were starting to think that he couldn’t possibly be making the same mistake all those times before now, and he just wanted to be voyeuristic, but now that I know he’s a moron, I understand completely.”
The couple said they are not considering moving any time soon but they will be locking their front door more often, especially at night between the hours of nine o’clock and seven a.m., when there is one drunk dumbass skulking around the building.
“We don’t want that idiot coming in on us no more,” she said. “Now that I know he’s stupid, I don’t want him nowhere near me, or my Snake, ever again.”
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We now return to our regularly scheduled satire, already in progress…
Reba, this is ground control. Do you copy? Over.
Ground control, Big Reba speakin’ I can hear you loud and clear. Over.
Reba, what’s your status? Over.
We got a real pretty view of the Red Storm from where we’re at but the magnetic field is overwhelming our equipment, we may have to back off and take another sweep at Europa tomorrow. Over.
Reba, that’s a no-go; supplies from below are tight enough as it is.These readings are priceless. We need you closer. Over.
Big Reba to ground control, that’s a negative, we’re already skirtin’ the radiation belt. If we get any closer we fry. Over.
We copy that.[muffled speech] Reba we’re going to need you to sit tight through those bad vibrations. We’re picking up severe sealant breakdown in the fuselage; it looks like your coolant is slipping. In the meantime go ahead and eat the black pill underneath your compartment controller. Over.
Hey this is Big John, you better copy this loud and clear: I ain’t eatin’ no cyanide. Over.
Big Reba to ground control, we’ve lost cabin pres—-
————-what did they say? Ground control to Big Reba, do you copy?
Fans mourn Larry, acclaimed inventor of Copy and Paste.exe for Windows ME Year 2000 Edition and up. They said it couldn’t be done. He copied and pasted their bleating doubts:
Reba, this is ground control. Do you copy? Over.