Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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Categories
Health

Dr. Troubadour’s Tips for a healthy relationship, featuring spiritual expert Christopher Nemelka of the Humanity Party and second coming of Joseph Smith, Marvelous Works and a Wonder

“Playing the Game”

Hey dudes. Dr. Troubadour here, and I am writing to you from Nepal! This four-part column comes after an exclusive spiritual love retreat with Trail Boss Christopher Nemelka, in which we spent two days and three nights plumbing the depths of our Mormon souls, in a divine quest to unlock vexing mysteries of the front hole.

Chris and Angus had a spiritual breakthrough together in Nepal.
Chris and Angus had a spiritual breakthrough together in Nepal.

Later I took ayahuasca, experienced ego death, and condensed my pontifications into beads of enlightenment for the purposes of this article, which was edited down – for your convenience – to fit into a palatable word count for your broken attention spans.

Without further ado (that means cut to the fucking chase), follow my researched tips for a healthy relationship that puts YOU in control!

1. No friends. “It’s just you and me, now”

First things first!

It used to be you needed to learn an instrument or how to sing in order to manipulate a woman’s reality. But with Christopher Nemelka’s patented technique, you will control a female within three well-crafted text messages, guaranteed.

Women love reassurance. Turn her reassurance into co-dependence with this one easy trick!

Dr. Troubadour says tell them things like, “Sure is nice bein’ free,” or “It’s like all our problems are over.” Christopher Nemelka added, “Make them feel dumb by using big words that only appear in the books you write!”

2. Keeping Score

Stay sharp! A good memory pays dividends in a loveless relationship such as your own. Do you remember that time she dropped your Special Edition iPhone, scuffing the case? Or what about when she clicked Like on another man’s Facebook photo?

What do ya say, Ref!?

Patriots such as yourself like to keep score. A true patriot Never Forgets. Teach your property a lesson she’ll Never Forget by assigning monetary values to the countless ways in which she has hurt your snowflake feelings.

By talking in a language women can understand (money), you will finally convey your true bitterness.

3. Withholding Sex

This paragraph could get pretty dark, and into a legal gray area, so let me just say, “Each of you are redefining your comfort zones right now,” and a person’s worth is valued only in direct proportion to the respect you have for them!

Demand sex when she’s not interested, and withhold it when she is. Unless that’s what she’s into!

4. No room for growth

People change over time. Over time, we learn new things about our lives, goals, and dreams. That’s OK. But once you get hold of the woman, that shit’s over.

Hobbies and interests are threatening. If you feel like her personal needs are cutting into your own, offer gentle ultimatums, like, “I understand you no longer love me, and want to go to yoga classes four nights a week. That’s fine. When you get home, I’ll be gone. Maybe I’ll be back.”

Start following these tips today and get started on your journey into spiritual dominance. Because the world owes you!

This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We own everything that matters.

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Categories
Entertainment

Which TV doctor is next to be accused? Our celebrity sexual misconduct predictions for 2019

LAS VEGAS — Bookies have announced they are taking bets to see which fake TV doctor personality takes home celebrity sex offender gold in 2019. Three suspicious men surfaced with apparently clean records. We’ll unpack each nightmare together, and you’ll be ready to place your bets.

“But there are stories.”

Lurking behind the desperate eyes of Hollywood doctors are untold horrors of TV malpractice. Who will go down first? Here’s a breakdown of the three most influencial TV doctors on the air today.

Dr. Oz?

“America’s Doctor” is a straight-shooting, plain-talking, mass media medicine man. And he loves a good revolutionary, miracle breakthrough.

But sometimes Dr. Oz asks for more detail than necessary.

Oz made neoliberalism fun again. Getting medical advice should feel a little bit like a game show, and a little like a multilevel marketing infomercial.

“I have not seen a doctor in 9 years. Dr. Oz is the only one I trust,” says Corey Feldman, from a weird place.

Doc Oz, with a career that pays him in mansions and blowjobs, is ripe for a sex abuse scandal because of the decadence of his lifestyle, and because of the amount he is worth if someone can score a hit on the end of his undoubtedly magnificent rod.

How rich is Dr. Oz?

“Cancer is our Angelina Jolie,” Oz said. “We could sell that shit every day.”

Dr. Feel?

Dr. Phil and his show staff have been accused of providing drugs and alcohol to guests with addiction issues before they would come on his show.

And then breathalyze them on national TV!

What else did Dr. Phil make them do while they were drunk?

“You could start a football team from Dr. Phil victims,” says Chloe, our psychic TV medium. “Touch football.”

Dr. Armstrong H. Troudabor?

What might normally constitute a paralyzing blow to an ordinary doctor’s career is unlikely to move Dr. Troubadour, who has been implicated in peer review scandals, child army camps, death hoaxes and even once made pills from the ground up remains of aborted Chinese fetal tissue.

Not only is Troubadour unlikely to be toppled by sex abuse scandal, he penned the guide on How to Treat a Lady.

But rumors are bubbling him up to our #3 pick for 2019 celebrity abuser of the year. Don’t let his bronze position on the podium fool you: Dr. Troubadour probably did some pretty, pretty bad stuff to get here, and it could just as easily be him in the end.

Because if he experiments in the workplace like he experiments in the lab, Troubadour is in hot water.

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Categories
Politics

‘Duncan Hunter Law’ will secure prostitutes for Wounded Warriors

SAN DIEGO — They’re not prostitutes. They’re comfort girls for veterans, according to emergency legislation protecting lawmakers from legal action when charging personal expenses without consent to political campaigns or charities.

His wife was like “Really? You can just do that?” You can NOW, sweet tits!

“We want to protect people like Duncan, who are not afraid to pretend to care about things in order to get shit done.” –Virginia delegate Bob Marshall

Therapy Holes

“They remember them as comfort girls,” according to Raleigh Sakers, a whoremonger in the East Village, and eccentric CEO of a Silicon Valley start-up called Lebal Drocer, Inc.

“What’s the matter, you think just because a man goes to war and fights for his god damn country, he should come home and face punishment and restrictions on what he’s allowed to do with his own fuckin’ body?” Sakers shouted. “For cryin’ out loud! Let the boy get his stinger wet. I bought him a comfort girl–well, I didn’t–the Wounded Warriors paid for it. Been that way ever since Hunter got caught Duncan the honey jar.”

The Miami-based brothel Lebal Drocer Therapy Holes is coordinating efforts with the RT Sakers Association For Transcendental Men to bring therapy girls to disenfranchised veterans left behind by the system. They call it the Duncan Foundation, and they say the sex workers – of whom about 2% are going to veterans – are thrilled to bang out a good cause.

“We’re stealing from a charity that’s basically a theft ring in its own right,” explains Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, who chairs the Foundation. “Hell, even the people running Wounded Warriors steal from Wounded Warriors. Bogus charities are kind of a meme by now. It’s a very popular business model. Rather than fighting or punishing congressmen for bad behavior – which forces that activity underground – it’s better to go ahead and codify it now, so people don’t have to feel bad about stealing from those in need.”

While Wounded Warriors might still be a criminal enterprise embezzling most of their donations, that doesn’t have to mean important leaders like Duncan Hunter should face penalties.

[Editor’s note: A criminal stealing from criminals? Sounds like a vigilante! Hot damn, let’s finish this article already. All this talk about whores has got me ready for wet wet.]

The new law also pushes campaign finance directors to earmark hush money, so victims speaking out can not interfere with important political processes.