CHRONICLE.SU READERS REJOICE DURING MOMENTOUS OCCASION
MOTHER RUSSIA IN PUREST GLORIOUS FORM HAS ANNOUNCED HER GOAL TO RETAKE THE BEAUTIFUL NATION OF TRANSNISTRIA, AND REPURPOSE HER ASSETS FOR WAR.
TRANSNISTRIA IS THE WORLD’S ONLY MODERN SOVIET NATION, WHOSE FLAG STILL FEATURES THE COMMUNIST HAMMER AND SICKLE. IT IS ALSO THE ONLY NATION THE NSA WANTED TO TAP 100%. FOR MORE THAN 20 YEARS, TRANSNISTRIAN CITIZENS FROTHED WITH DESIRED TO RETURN TO THE BOUNTIFUL TIT OF RUSSIA’S BOSOM. NOW IS THAT TIME.
TRANSNISTRIA GLOWS WITH UNABASHED PRIDE AS HER GREATEST ALLY RETURNS IN A SHOW OF DEVOTION TO EACH AND EVERY COMRADE WHO FOUGHT FOR FREEDOM AND WON IT IN THE YEAR 1992.
HOLD FAST, BEWILDERED WEST!
товарищ Сталин
THIS IS NOT WORLD WAR III, YET. THERE IS STILL TIME FOR THAT! BUT FIRST, RUSSIA MUST REGAIN HER SOVIET DARLING, RESTORING HER PEOPLE TO GLORY ONCE AGAIN.
THE UNFINISHED BUSINESS OF TRANSNISTRIA CONFUSES A WORLD WHERE WEAK LEAD THE POWERFUL. THE OBAMA WEST CONVULSED IN A JEALOUS RAGE AS THE VALUE OF TRANSNISTRIAN KUPONS SKYROCKETS, AND STILL, THE PEOPLE OF TRANSNISTRIA PROSPER.
THE COLOSSAL TRANSNISTRIAN STEEL INDUSTRY STRETCHES TAUGHT THE FLESH OF HER BLOSSOMING TEXTILE MILLS, STRIKING BOLDLY INTO THE HEARTS OF CAPITALIST PIG-DOGS THE MARK OF MARX, THE LASH OF LENIN, THE NUMB STING OF JOSEF STALIN, AND THE VOLATILE PURPOSE OF VLADIMIR PUTIN: THE EXUBERANT LEADER OF THE NEW WORLD.
RICHMOND, Va. – As state and local police bark outrage into TV cameras about ‘drug abuse’ and ‘urban decay’, lamenting spikes in violent crime, one often-overlooked piece of the picture in the war on drugs is the people actually using drugs.
To people like 27-year-old Jeff Norment, the heroin coming down I-75 from Detroit is “a God-send.” Norment says heroin has improved his life considerably, although his point of view is often brushed aside in favor of order and public safety.
“I was eating 20 and 40 pills a day, you name it, I was doing it,” Norment said, looking real cool. “But it was hell on my liver. But now that I’m on heroin – I’m in Heaven!”
Norment argued that the Richmond media – TV news in particular – does not represent all sides of the story, with a tendency to favor police and marginalize victims.
“Typical TV news story: we went to the Richmond police. We went to the state police,” Norment said. “But they didn’t come a-callin’ for old Jeff, saying, ‘Jeff how you liking them drugs?’ Now how are you gonna call that objective journalism and tell me I’m the bad guy?”
Norment argued that his voice is the missing piece of the story of a so-called ‘heroin epidemic’ in Richmond.
“I smoke crack on the reg. I snort dust on the reg. I shoot heroin on the reg, and you don’t see me committing no crimes. I just like me the rush, is all. And I like to lay here on this sofa playing PlayStation.”
Norment, who lives near the Grace Street Police Station, said police knock on his door almost every day – sometimes looking for suspects – sometimes just to break his balls.
“I know it ain’t good for me,” Norment said, rolling his eyes. “They’re always telling me that.”
Norment said if it weren’t for the police, he would have fewer problems.
“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.”
28-year-old VCU alum Stephen Ascot says heroin affords him a certain lifestyle. The only difference, Ascot said, is that he is not on heroin.
“My weed dealer across the street gets me what I need, but he doesn’t give me heroin,” Ascot said. “I just know he’s going to be there, because he is on heroin.”
Richmond Police Captain Mike Ebert said drugs might feel good now, but addicts will “be pretty sore” about the crackdown on horse pouring in from Detroit.
“It’s easy to get addicted to the stuff, you just put it in your arm,” Ebert said. “But they’re going to be pretty sore about it when there ain’t no more heroin left for sale on the streets, after they do it all up.”
Ebert said his department is working with state police to set up checkpoints along the I-75 corridor to catch heroin traffickers coming down from the Motor City.
“Of course, the stops are designed to appear random,” he said. “But they’re not. We’ll know who to stop.”
This news is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.
A great leader once asked, “How’s that hopey, changey stuff workin’ out for ya?”
America found her answer. Former President George W. Bush announced a plan Monday to “take America back,” starting with a campaign to reignite nationalism in the American people.
“We’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna take America back,” Bush said, with a gleam in his eye, “We’ll return this great nation to its former glory.”
Bush said America needs a new image of strength and prosperity – a picture of change it can believe in. Village elders close to the president have said Bush began his “spirit campaign” two years ago, starting with impressionist paintings.
This artwork demonstrated that Bush is still a human being.
“I’ve talked with village elders. I’ve spoken to the proletariat. America’s sat by too long watching a womanly president fuck things up beyond recognition,” Bush said. “I think it’s time we took this country in the right direction. Don’t believe me? Look at this way: Are we better off now than we were in 2008?”
New photos surfaced of a strong, bear-like President Bush dressed for hunting, knowing it will inspire Americans to take up arms against the Red menace in the Ukraine.
A protest scheduled May 16 will give Americans their chance to register grievances in Washington, D.C. and call for the overthrow of the Obama regime. Demonstrators said they will call for the reinstatement of a further-right Bush doctrine “that would make the Tea Party look like a six-year-old’s imaginary affair.”
President Bush is expected to take office before the 2016 presidential election if necessary, but insiders caution that he could better secure “legitimacy” by waiting for a “vote” next year.
Vladimir Bush is an adept fisherman
George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds
With a little help from his TerrorMax, George “Putin” Bush scans the horizon for Russkis
George “TerrorMax” Bush wonders where the Ukraine is located
