Author: chronicle.su

Categories
Local Special Interest

Internet "Not Anonymous Enough" for CHRONICLE Writer Old Brutus

Ol’ B

In a trend that appears to be sweeping the Chronicle.SU, resident columnist and editor Old Brutus has reportedly snubbed fame and left the Internet, saying true anonymity can not be achieved online. “Fuck that NSA Octopus,” he said.

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Fuck that NSA Octopus!

-Old Brutus

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But anonymity is not the mysterious writer’s only motivation for leaving the Web in exchange for newspapers.

Old Brutus, who recently discovered the Deepnet, or Dark Net, shut down his laptop Tuesday, saying, “That’s it. I’ve seen the entire Internet. I’m done.”

When asked what he plans to do in the absence of 4chan and its bottomless supply of jailbait, Old Brutus told the Chronicle this:

There ain’t shit out there for me that I ain’t already seen. Child porn? Hell, I was havin’ sex before I knew what sex was. My best friend had to tell me what me and his sister had just done together. Bomb-manufacturing? Shit, the Anarchist Handbook is just copied and pasted from the annals of Chronicle.SU! DRUGS AND BITCOINS? NIGGA, I HELPED APPERSON ‘N PICKARD MAKE THE WORLD’S SUPPLY OF LYSERGIC ACID DIETHYLAMIDE OUT OF AN ABANDONED MISSILE SOLO TILL TWINNY OT FO’!”

Indeed, Old Brutus is a man of many worlds whose “dick don’t never go down.” Sources indicate he has regressed to the use of a 1972 IBM Selectric typewriter and pleasures himself via phone sex while looking through a window into his neighbor’s yard.

Old Brutus can be found busking on the streets of Asheville, North Carolina, like a bum, for marijuana and dollar bills – or whatever you will give him. Toenail clippings and old receipts have uses, he said, but refused to go into detail about what those uses may be.

The Chronicle remains staffed largely by psy-operatives and cyber-intelligence officials who hate your freedom. Our CIA-enhanced pseudo-intellectual framework of satirical propagandist innuendo promises to continue subverting your ideology and feeding upon the very fears which we nurture inside each and every one of you. Now read. It’s okay. Read.

Loving endorsements from the omnipotent Lebal Drocer, Inc. ensure that the Chronicle will never die, but in fact absorb all weaker publications, such as pravda.ru, anonnews.org and Roanoke Revolution.

In related news, Lebal Drocer, Inc. is proud to announce its acquisition of roanoke revolution dot com. We hope you will enjoy the bland mediocrity of a culture where depth is only a measurement of the polluted river upon which it was founded.

Categories
News Special Interest

AnonNews allows Google to track commenters with reCAPTCHA

This was a real Captcha, sent in by a reader. The Completely Automated Public Turing Test To Tell Computers and Humans Apart has gained a consciousness of its own, and is warning us.

The Internet–Chronicle.SU went on the record before reporters Tuesday to apologize for months of unauthorized data-mining of hundreds of thousands of readers.

A Chronicle.SU insider, known only as Media Mogul, spoke on-stage from behind a curtain. He said, “A particularly scathing piece of anti-Google propaganda from our friends at p2pNet graced AnonNews early this morning. This led Chronicle.SU to the conclusion that we must boycott the data-mining malware known as Google-Analytics completely, along with any and all similar forms of spyware which compromise user data – and more importantly – the golden integrity of the infallible and glorious Chronicle.SU.”

And in a flash of light he was gone, followed immediately by the appearance of Kilgore Trout, Executive Editor of the Chronicle.SU.

Trout said, “We will gladly publish any details upon request,” adding, “those who use noscript are not affected by our leak to Google.”

“As should be expected,” Trout said sneeringly, “this highly interesting piece from p2pnet wasn’t ‘relevant’ enough for AnonNews. But I believe many of you will be shocked to find out AnonNews currently employs a piece of Google code to ‘keep out spammers’ known as reCAPTCHA. Its privacy policy leaves much to be desired.”

reCAPTCHA Privacy Policy – by Google

Those who use noscript are unable to comment on AnonNews without disabling their security to Google tracking cookies. AnonNews.org forces users to either compromise their anonymity or hide, like cowards, behind a proxy, which still does nothing to prevent the cookies.

Should Anonymous fear its own “news source?”

Geographical distribution of Chronicle.SU readers who don't use noscript.
Categories
Hate новости

Obama kicks off his campaign for reelection

Osama bin Laden
"You're fired."

Osama Bin Laden has been assassinated by the United States Government under the command of Nobel Peace Prize laureate Barack Hussein Obama. President Obama strategically timed this announcement in order to hurt the ratings of Donald Trump’s reality television show. Trump’s comb-over has recently forced the president of the United States to release his long-form birth certificate, riding a populist wave of racial hatred. Trump has used reality television to leverage his position as front runner for 2012 Republican candidacy. This announcement is a blow aimed directly at Donald Trump’s dick. A crowd was planted outside the White House with cameras at the ready, conditioned to maniacally chant their nationalist fervor. 2011 will be remembered as the year in which television replaced reality.

Talking heads repeat the phrase “Bin Laden is dead” as Americans everywhere get hard-ons in anticipation of the moment when Obama will utter the phrase himself. Speculation on Al-Qaeda’s reprisal is used to strike fear into our hearts, a dangling reminder of the horrific images from 9/11. The terror threat level has been raised for the first time in years, in preparation for this incredibly important news. Terror is back, and it’s here to stay. Break out the American flag, because the fight is on.

Osama bin Laden is a figure who became irrelevant at least four years ago. His death is not a national security issue, it is a publicity stunt. Many believe that Bin Laden has, in fact, been dead for years from natural causes. Obama’s policy of death in Libya has been met coldly by his supporters until now. The masses now cry out in celebration for death.

Obama has already submitted a new schematic for the Oval Office that will allow him to maximize enjoyment of his next five years in office. The Oval Office is being converted into a propaganda machine full of gearboxes, timing belts, and terror-alert graphical representations – surrounding a hollow core in which Obama sits, naked, issuing liquid ideology from his pores which evaporates into hot air and is then blown miles into the sky.

Obama’s rhetoric was little more than a base appeal to emotions that heartlessly described the imagery of 9/11. There is no doubt that this self-satisfied speech will be repeated on the campaign trail hundreds of times. Nearly a million Muslims have been killed in revenge for 9/11, but the death of Bin Laden has justified it all. Obama concluded his speech with an invocation to the Christian God of America. Tea Party members are still convinced that Hussein is a secret Muslim.