Category: Editorial

It means ‘opinion,’ dumbass.

Categories
Editorial

Dear Doctor: Marital advice column by Dr. Troubadour

Dear Doctor,

I’m trying to take care of my man, who is everything to me, and having trouble at home.

Wah! Why, just yesterday I could tell he was tuckered out from band practice. I said, “Sweetheart, you’ve had a long day. Let me cook tonight.”

I got straight to work, and in my hurry to please, threw every piece of our silverware in the new microwave.

Later I said, “Angel, what’s wrong? You’ve barely touched your microwaved silverware.”

He turned his nose up at it! He said he didn’t feel worthy of a home-cooked meal like that. He said I deserve to spark silverware in the kitchen for someone who appreciates it.

I’m starting to think he could be right.

Clumsily yours,

Lucy Ricardo

"Will I ever learn?" Patient 'frozen in shock' at the consequences of her actions.
“Will I ever learn?” Patient ‘frozen in shock’ at the consequences of her increasingly stupid behavior.

Lucy! You’ve got some splainin’ to do.

First of all, what man eats silverware? You eat with silverware, doll! Maybe jab that silver fork into a hot cut of meat, and you might be surprised where Mr. Ricardo sticks his meat.

Secondly, I just saw Rosemary’s Baby. My advice is do not turn your back on Fred and Ethel, and do not invite them into your home ever again.

Finally, don’t take my advice for granted. You’re lucky I’m even responding, much less that you have a mariachi band leader at your beck and call. An accomplished musician who – even though he never knows what paint-can-falling, penny-whistle blowing, stepping-on-a-rake type of disaster he’s about to walk into – for some reason, is happy to come home. For some reason, he loves you.

Count your blessings, Lucy. I’d love to see you make it to color.

Sincerely yours,

Dr. T

dr troubadour
Catch Dr. True every morning weekdays at 11 on FOX.

Dr. Troubadour is a licensed clinical psychologist, fellow, and research professor at the Facebook School of Medicine.

His new book, titled “10 Hidden Wisdoms of The Sopranos Extended Universe” is out now.

Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Categories
Editorial

Hatesec writes Immigration Policy

It was just cats, everywhere: Kilgoar
hatesec was a cat on the internet

Here’s your chronicle.su story: Eat A Dick, by hatesec.

Nah I’m just kidding, I know you want a real editorial. Here is my immigration policy. Fuck you, how about that?

Eat my fucking dick, everyone. That’s your story. Run with it.

Kidding! (not really, I’m the edgelord of this world, evil possessor)

The media is afraid to call epic spa shooter man a white supremacist coomer.

incel politics
“Politics”

There’s your REAL immigration story. Come to America where everybody hates themselves and, by extension, you.

“I am white. That is not my fucking problem.”

That’s OK, Chad, I got you covered. We’ll say it here. He’s a rotten, racist sack of shit, and the country is full of him. Don’t let anymore shitbags like him immigrate here, that’s my policy. Don’t even let them come in through a pussy. Kill them at birth, how’s that grab you?

I am saying the young man in the news, with a neckbeard and shitty haircut, should have been ripped out of his crying mother’s arms, moments after he was born, and thrown down a hot chute that feeds straight into an incinerator. Not because of what he did, but just because, why not? Who cares. His mother is obviously a miserable cunt anyway, or she would not have raised a killer. He would already be getting handjobs from roundeyes. We can’t take anymore chances. From now on, my immigration policy states that all Atlanta babies go down the fire-chute.

Right now we can support Mexicans*, Canadians, Scandinavians, and why not: Spain. Yes they’re assholes, but they’re a special kind of asshole, and they sort of belong here – not because they helped us kill off the Indians, and they did, and that was very ugly – but because they’re white.

I’m kidding. We need Spanish population because they had Occupy Wall Street before we did, and we got some of their best protesters. They are not afraid to fight the power. They show up. They will help people stop from drowning in the Mediterranean Sea while keeping the border closed at home. That’s the kind of hypocrisy that belongs here. Like the Eve Online player base, the Spanish are equally complex people. They are chill people ruled by a hateful, corrupt government, just like everyone else.

No Brits, thank you. You have done enough harm. We are now saying “Cheers!” stateside.

That’s it. Everybody out.

*The border wall is a joke, but keeping kids in cages is inhumane as fuck. I have an idea: Why don’t they make the whole border wall out of those cages?

Categories
Hate

Male feminists ‘transition’ to Black Lives Matter allies

New York — Just when you thought there was nothing worse than a “male feminist,” some ineffectual men – who failed to score any pussy that way – are now taking up arms across every social media platform, becoming “allies” to the Black Lives Matter movement.

Traditionally, male feminists were easy to spot by their shirts, smart glasses, and stupid haircuts, meticulously styled with planned messiness.

Now indistinguishable from Greenpoint baristas, they are wearing all black and showing up to protest police brutality, in the national fight for justice and equality. A referee, consulting the rulebook, announces there’s nothing in here that says a man can’t serve his community by serving himself.

Terry McMillan, a 35-year-old bartender in Williamsburg, said it is high time he stepped in and used his white privilege to “throw the blacks a bone.”

“I hate racism, you know? I’m not racist, so I need to get out there and show it,” McMillan said. “I’ve been stuck inside my house for three months, and there are underserved people in my community who need my white validation now, more than ever. If I stay inside through this, I’m not helping anybody see me.”

White male feminist, and BLM ally Matt Charles recently transitioned to full black justice, and has been reading literature distributed by the New Black Panther Party, which he finds “very interesting.”

“These Hank Moody blacks are more than just a fashion statement,” said Charles, from McCarren Park in Brooklyn. “This dark Izod button-down is my uniform. My identity.”

Charles appeared near the back of the crowd on a bike path, with former feminist-ally-turned-antifa Melissa Stanley, where they were shooting on a Canon Rebel EOS T6i.

“I made sure to get lots of stunning angles of Melissa resting against her bike in various revolutionary poses,” he said. “Just seeing her grinning face at a protest for equality is going to make one hell of an impact on her Instagram followers.”

Stanley, who calls herself a news junky, held up her iPhone 11 Pro, pointing to the CNN app. She said she does not condone violence, offensive language, or the destruction of property or monuments. She looked fantastic in a smart V-neck and canvas pants.

“I just want our black brothers and sisters, when they see me, to know I’m one of the good ones. I’m an ally!”

This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Selling racial recognition technology to the police since before they were asking for it. Be sure to check out Melissa’s onlyfans.