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Report: Kim Jong Un a clone of Kim Jong Il

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date December 20, 2011
4 Comments on Report: Kim Jong Un a clone of Kim Jong Il

kimclones — Yes, Kim Jong Un is a clone of Kim Jong Il

Reports from within the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea claim that Kim Jong Il successfully cloned himself sometime in the 80’s using a crude, but effective technique widely available at the time. Kim Jong Un was the only survivor after thousands of failed attempts.

Kim Jong Un is virtually indistinguishable from depictions of Kim Jong Il at the same age, except that he is slightly more overweight. This is, of course, a product of North Korea’s economic successes and in no way a genetic factor.

As reports of the cloning spread throughout North Korea, citizens are wildly celebrating a future of endless military and economic victories thanks to the survival of their now immortal leader.

Western powers fear the nuclear-armed Kim Jong-Un, successor to the great empire of Korea. Unification of Korea will follow shortly, as the world applauds the greatness of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

Obituaries новости

Kim Jong-il dead at 69

Kim Jong-il died heroically at 69.

Pyongyang–The most powerful person on Earth, the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il has entered the next phase of consciousness Monday, where he rules the heavens with unforgiving, merciless love. The North Korean leader died of a heart attack.

Kim Jong-il, who recently guest starred in a reality TV show wherein participants traded places with their higher-ups, died of a heart attack during his morning transit to the dogmeat factory. While forced to ride on a train without breakfast to his seventh twelve hour shift of the week, the Dear Leader’s heart stopped before reaching his destination.

Jong-il’s death went unnoticed for at least forty five minutes until totalitarian overlords sent out a search party and bloodhounds to retrieve him for work duty. The dogs reportedly tore his carcasses to pieces and ate most of the remains.

Details are, as yet, unconfirmed because international calls are still forbidden, punishable by death, and must remain within the boundaries of Stalin’s last playground – North Korea, where all people are all the same in the eyes of the Great Successor and peacefully suffer never-ending hell marches in perfect equality.

“Unlike our enemy neighbors,” said state spokesperson Min Il-Suk, “North Korea enjoys a prosperous human cloning program. Which is why we are pleased to announce Kim Jong-un! HAIL THE GLORIOUS NEW LEADER!“

After the collapse of the Soviet Union, North Korea suffered heavily until Kim Jong-il bravely horded all the money in the country and used it to suppress both hunger and uprisings.

We straight brah. Enjoy your banquet, Dear Leader.

The United States has nearly 30,000 troops in South Korea, ready to raid the North, where it is feared Kim Jong-un could likely empty the nation’s coffers into its people, wasting valuable war funds on food or medical supplies for the unseen poor dying in gutters and alleys.

Analysts monitor the situation closely to be sure North Korea doesn’t “try any shit.” There is little to no mention in the weak-hearted mainstream American media of Monday’s short range missile test, whose effects could soon be felt.

Tags dead, fatigue, heart attack, Kim Jong Il, kim jong un, north korea, train

Entertainment новости

SHOENICE

Post author By 27
Post date December 8, 2011
72 Comments on SHOENICE

EATS WTF EVER

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Thursday– Shoenice, who released a new video every hour and updated his Facebook wall an average of twenty two times per hour, has just eaten one entire can of Crisco, two tablespoons of BBs from a gun, and a whole bottle of cinnamon. After crusading for Facebook followers, YouTube subscribers, and even Skype friends, Shoenice proceeded to play peekaboo to an audience of three hundred people who have only just met him and not yet realized he is the human trashcan that eats everything.

Shoenice is a nice man on a nice mission to save his nice children from poverty by becoming rich and famous on youtube, and since you read it here, that means it is working out alright. Except that his body has become a steady pipeline of hate.

SHOENICE22 is willing to eat almost anything, and makes a point of eating everything as quickly as possible. He does not seem to fear cancer-causing agents, and will eat anything short of heart-stopping medicine. Shoenice never blinks, because he once put super glue in his eyes and that is how real men cope with divorce. He is constantly rerencing the riches his fame is about to bring him. As of this exact moment, his videos top quadrillions of views, surpassing all other YouTube videos in number of hits. The Chronicle anticipates the trials of Shoenice will soon be picked up by network television and sponsored by US war machine manufacturer Lockheed Martin.

“Hell yeah, I’d watch that shit. It would be like Fear Factor without the fear.”

Viewer

While facts demonstrate Shoenice is the greatest thing TV never built, detractors claim he “suffers” from an “extreme” case of Pica, exacerbated by the attention he gets on the internet. Shoenice, however, claimed he does not suffer from Pica and iterated Pica is not something he can eat and therefore does not exist, except only in theory. Shoenice bills himself as a comedian, filling his videos with wisecracks but at the same time sprinkling in clever allusions to his personal problems such as his recent divorce.

“He has a great personality. And a divorce.”

-Concerned Viewer

“HERE COMES SHOENICE TO EAT YO MOFO SCREEN BITCHES. AND HE’S THERE. IT IS AWESOME. WHENEVER I CLICK HTTP://YOUTUBE.COM/USER/SHOENICE22 I GET THE EYES FULL OF JOY AND A RAGING KILLER BONER.”

-Stoned Viewer

Shoenice has been in the comedy eating game for a long time. In one video, he recalled eating many Tampons as a young boy and later during high school. “It opened up in my throat like an umbrella, and when my mom was yanking on that string with my head between her legs, she knew she gave birth to something special.”

SHOENICE WILL YOU PLEASE EAT A VIDEO OF YOURSELF EATING A VIDEO OF YOURSELF PLEASE? I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WOULD DO THAT BUT YOU ARE CREATIVE AND CAN SURELY THINK OF SOMETHING.

-Desperate Viewer

After reviewing tapes of the acts, Chronicle Legal Aide and Psychoanalytic Analyst Jeff Shepard concluded Shoenice is not a danger to himself or society, but added “Shoenice is quite charming in a disturbing way, causing viewers laugh their ass off while being completely and utterly nauseated beyond belief. Strangely, Shoenice appears to almost always wear the exact same shirt and baseball cap, covering the shame of his bald head while highlighting his beautiful, nonfunctioning eyes.”

420 friendly Shoenice loves drugs, which is nice. We would do any amount of cocaine with this man and most of us don’t even like cocaine. Meanwhile he could enlighten us to the consequences of giving oral sex to an underage girl with a yeast infection.

Works Cited

Tags shoenice22