Category: News

Shit happens.

Justin Bieber Dead at 19

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date March 7, 2013
144 Comments on Justin Bieber Dead at 19

Bieber died on March 7, 2013

LONDON — Fans mourn the untimely and tragic death of singer and entertainer Justin Bieber. After collapsing on stage, Bieber was rushed to hospital, but despite the best efforts of doctors Bieber passed quietly Thursday evening.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, in a brief press conference outside the hospital, said, “Bieber’s heart gave out, but we are still trying to determine the cause. These kind of fatalities are often associated with drugs or heart defects, but the coroner’s report should bring light to the situation.” Angered at this statement, the crowd of fans attending the press conference assaulted Dr. Troubador, who was slightly injured before police intervened.

Some “Beliebers,” as fans of Bieber like to be called, have refused to mourn the pop star’s death. Unconvinced that Bieber has actually died, some accused the singer’s managers of keeping the young teen heart-throb to themselves. “He’s just too good for this world,” said one stony-faced fan. “They want him all to themselves. I know he can’t die like this.”

Makeshift altars have been erected in public places around the world as other fans attend vigils in Bieber’s honor. “Today my world died,” said Bieber fan-club founder Jessica Kim, “and no one can ever take his place.”

Fashion Health News Trolling

“Trick” evicted, fined, and summoned to court

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date March 3, 2013
3 Comments on “Trick” evicted, fined, and summoned to court

Cambria Suites at 2pm on March 2nd, “Trick” did not show up to defend himself from the haters.

ROANOKE, VA–Saturday, Chronicle.SU reporters were at Cambria Suites for Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s press conference, but “Trick” was nowhere to be seen. “Trick” was to address haters and explain himself after his “Tattoo Marathon” Facebook event upset local Tattoo enthusiasts. After inquiring with the front desk, we learned no such event had been scheduled.

Since Thursday, when news broke “Trick” was hosting a “Tattoo Party” in his hotel room, tattoo fans across America and Canada have commented on Shouse’s poor work and the unsanitary conditions of his apartment. Addison Shouse, Patrick’s identical twin, has been acting as spokesperson and posting threats of violence to Facebook in a vain attempt to put an end to criticism of “Trick.” However, Trolling analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said this was just like throwing gasoline onto a fire, “Talking shit on Facebook proves you can’t back your shit up, so it really just excites the trolls.”

Addison Shouse has become totally unhinged, threatening violence at anything that moves.

Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s identical twin posts alleged fines, eviction, and warrants.

Addison posted an image of several documents taped to the front door of his apartment, allegedly representing an eviction, a fine from the health department, other code violations, and a summons to court. While it is not clear whether these are legitimate documents or not, one commenter who claims he reported the incidents to the Shouses’ landlord said the eviction was already pending due to non-payment.

It remains unclear what will happen next, but the Shouse brothers seem upbeat and ready to “bone it to LA” so they can start their lives over in peace. At one point, Addison Shouse attempted to play the Tattoo Marathon off as a joke, but in the very same thread Trick’s Baby’s Momma made it clear that this had indeed become a very unfunny custody issue. Addison’s girlfriend has been publicly supportive, but after facing criticism aimed at her motherhood, she has since changed her sexy facebook avatar over to a more conservative and motherly portrayal of her cradling her sweet baby. She also quoted many bible verses, despite claiming to not be a Christian.

Entertainment Health News

Patrick “Trick” Shouse hosts “$20 Tattoo Party”

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date February 28, 2013
39 Comments on Patrick “Trick” Shouse hosts “$20 Tattoo Party”

ROANOKE, VA–Patrick “Trick” Shouse, the newest tattoo artist in Roanoke, is hosting a “Tattoo Marathon” at Ruxton Condos on Colonial Avenue this weekend in order to build up his portfolio and spread both AIDS and Hepatitis to as many local residents as possible. The event is advertised as tax and license free, which is why Shouse is able to charge only $20 per tattoo.

Shouse appeared in the following video which was used to advertise the tattoo party, mere minutes after purchasing his first tattoo kit.

Local tattoo fans stormed the Facebook page for this event, teasing Trick, who quickly became enraged and said, “Your [sic] stoners with caveman tools ripping people off,” despite the fact that he brazenly and openly vaporized marijuana while tattooing his ankle, possibly contaminating himself with deadly MRSA.

Despite the haters, Trick was able to afford a Master Suite at the local Cambria Suites, which had a “bangin” view of the Roanoke Star. A small pile of one and five dollar bills in the video attest to the fact that this extravagance only almost depleted Trick’s fat stacks.

Shouse and his twin brother scheduled a second event to address haters at Cambria Suites this Saturday at 2pm. Shouse can be reached at 540-425-0808 if you would like to schedule an appointment.

UPDATE:

Investigators have found Shouse was recently released from a stint in jail, after being arrested for sharing videos of his graffiti career on YouTube.