Reverend Ivan Stang’s secret lineage revealed by Lebal Drocer Investigative Journalists!
CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OHIO – Reverend Ivan Stang, also known as Doug Smith, founded the cult of “Bob,” a “satiric” “parody” (?) religion that has spawned thousands (?) of imitators (?) descended directly from Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism and snake oil religion salesman. A 95-year-old man who once knew someone who knew Joseph Smith revealed that Doug Smith’s long-form birth certificate was in fact a forgery, and the damning paperwork was quickly found by researchers at the Lebal Drocer Institute for Hate and Jealousy.
“Bob” Dobbs was reached for comment and he just smiled like he always does, mocking SubGenius supporters of Mitt Romney for repeating the same joke over and over. Meanwhile, researchers at Lebal Drocer realized that they were “at least” the hundredth or so opposition group to accuse Stang of descending from Joseph Smith.
Lebal Drocer refused to comment, but executives wrote anonymous blog posts and used Twitter sockpuppets to congratulate themselves on their own irony. “It’s like orthodoxy is a heresy when orthodoxy is the only heresy, and heresy is cool,” one tweet read. “We are hoping to destroy the very concept of irony by applying it AFTER the fact, like bad liars,” read another. As usual, Stang’s sockpuppet cultists fired back with terrifying jokes that no sane person would ever be afraid of but nonetheless found horrific anyway regardless as a matter of course.
These “sophisticated” chronic whining fits inspired Stang to write a sequel to the Book of Mormon, or something, rather than waste his days away looking at the reincarnations of the most karmically depraved living out their lives as single-celled organisms he lovingly calls “animalcules.” “Yes, we just don’t find that stuff very interesting or funny,” said one jealous reject from the secret True hidden SubGenius newsgroup.
In response, Lebal Drocer Industries has been hard at work developing a microscope that directly observes viruses destroying Stang’s beloved animalcules at the molecular level. Only the worst of people, like “Bob,” may be reborn as viruses, which explains the rise of HIV after “Bob” was killed back in the ’80s. With a cure for AIDS on the horizon, the rebirth of “Bob” is at hand. Only one thing is certain in these trying times, and that is we are absolutely certain these times are trying too hard.
