Category: Obituaries

Another one bites the dust

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Henry Rollins Commits Suicide

Henry Rollins committed suicide after a torrent of hatemail for his criticism of Robin William's Suicide.
Henry Rollins committed suicide after a torrent of hatemail for his criticism of Robin William’s Suicide.

INTERNET — Henry Rollins, also known as Henry Garfield, was found dead in his home Saturday after his stomach tragically burst. Rollins angrily denounced Robin Williams for his recent suicide, saying, “I no longer take this person seriously,” but doctors say his ruptured chest was full of viciously chewed hate mail from Robin Williams fans.

Henry Rollins will be missed for his interesting addition to the classic American Hardcore band Black flag, even though he felt the band never really made it, saying “Flag never assimilated will with the Hollywood Punk scene.” Rollins was known in the music scene for his daddy issues, famously phoning up Ian MacKaye, a grandmaster of angry white man hardcore second only to Jello Biafara, to ask for permission to join Black Flag. MacKaye approved.

Not only was Black Flag an outsider in its milieu, but Rollins was an outsider, a mere replacement within Black Flag. The band, and Rollins especially, were targeted for abuse everywhere they played. Rollins himself admitted, “I got bottles bounced off of the head — after a a while, you become very wary, ready for someone to fuck with you — you get into you-versus-me situations. To this day I take shit.”

No one ever really liked Henry Rollins, especially his spoken-word stuff, and he will most likely not be missed by anyone except maybe four people at the most. Robin Williams was definitely more popular, his suicide overshadowing Rollins’ by far.

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Obituaries

Neoliberalism Restored in Far Corner of Empire

Jesus not only hated taxation, he hated capitalism.
Jesus not only hated taxation, he hated capitalism.

ROME— Late last night along a steep ridge on Bald Mountain, the Jewish rabble-rouser Jesus of Nazareth was crucified for crimes against Caesar. The self-proclaimed “King of the Jews” lay hanging on a cross through the night like a slaughtered lamb, blood spilling from his stigmatas, while hordes of provincial peoples poured into the Roman-occupied city of Yerushalayim to celebrate Passover, a local religious festival.

The Galilean-born ‘Messiah’ was rumored to have arrived in the city earlier this week on either a stolen colt or donkey – accounts vary – spreading messages of wealth redistribution, market regulation, and universal healthcare.

After an incident at a local temple involving table-turning and preying on widows, authorities were tipped off to to the healer-prophet-vagabond’s whereabouts by Judas Iscariot, a former follower turned whistleblower.

In a statement issued to the press, Mr. Iscariot spoke of his growing dissatisfaction with his former leader, “Jesus talks about this egalitarian society, right? Yet the fucker has his own hierarchical structure within his own following! Pete, Jimmy, Matthew—these fellows get all the attention, the adoration, while me and Barty are left at the wayside like a couple of stale Matzo balls.”

The deceased first stood trial before a local council of chief priests who were unable to produce testimony germane to the death penalty they were seeking.

After trumping up charges of tax evasion, the priests appealed to Rome’s own representative, Pontius Pilate, the 5th prefect of Judea. The Nazarene appeared before Pilate bearing all the signs of a heathen having been tortured. After a lengthy conversation revolving around “truth”, Pilate reported to the priests that he “found no fault in Him at all.” However, the holy men implored Pilate that he not be released, saying that Jesus was a stain upon Caesar’s neoliberal paradise.

Incidentally, this was all happening during Passover and Jewish tradition states a prisoner to be released during the holy week. But due to popular demand, and against his own judgment, Pilate released Barbarras, a well-known robber, instead of Jesus. This decision is said to have had quite an ill effect on the Roman prefect in the hours since.

After a good flogging on his way out of the city and up the mountain, Jesus was finally nailed to the cross. His mother Mary was in attendance, along with a few followers. Jesus’ last words were reported to be, “Ma! I’m thirsty, gimme some of that sour wine!”

He was 33.

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Obituaries

Ian Watkins Dead At 36

Ian Watkins planned on raping a handful of babies.
Ian Watkins planned on raping a handful of babies.

Worcestershire, England — Fans mourn the loss of former Lostprophets singer Ian David Karslake Watkins, who committed suicide early Wednesday morning in his cell at HM Prison Long Lartin.

Watkins was pronounced dead at 4:38 a.m. UTC. Cause of death was listed as “self asphyxiation, or suicide by hanging.” He was 36.

Watkins is survived by step-father and Baptist minister John Davies, his mother Elaine, and Daniel, his 24-year-old brother who distanced himself from Ian in the final months of the singer’s life. He is also survived by former Lostprophets musicians Lee Gaze, Mike Lewis, Stuart Richardson, Jamie Olider and Luke Johnson.

Inside reports suggest Watkins was facing pressure in the form of death threats from other inmates. Watkins was overheard remarking that he feared for his life.

Because no will was entered into the public record, Watkins’ continuing charitable contributions to the Kidney Wales Foundation for Children will cease.

The Watkins estate is to be turned over instead to the UK for disbursement into public works projects, as is customary in Wales when a convicted pedophile with enormous assets dies without a notorized will.

Watkins suffered in the wake of numerous convictions on sexual assault charges against children, for which he was sentenced to prison for 29 years last December. Authorities got involved when the Lostprophets frontman made plans to rape adoring fans and their babies. Prosecutors uncovered “the most shocking and harrowing child abuse the nation has ever seen.”

Senior investigating officers on Watkins’ case described him as a “committed, organised paedophile.” The judge, Mr. Justice Royce, said Watkins “plunged into new depths of depravity” referring to Watkins’ text messages to his victims: “If you belong to me, so does your baby.”

After entering his guilty plea, Watkins referred to his sex offenses as being “mega lolz.”