Category: Obituaries

Another one bites the dust

Emma Watson Dead at 24

Emma Watson drank bleach Monday evening shortly after 4chan hacked her iPhone and posted her nudes.

INTERNET—Fans mourn for Emma Watson, star of Harry Potter, after she was found dead in her apartment in New York on Monday evening. After giving a speech at the UN about her support of feminism, the internet forum 4chan retaliated by hacking her iPhone and posting nude pictures they found of the starlet.

Watson drank a fatal amount of bleach after 4chan carried out a merciless hacking and stalking campaign, reminding many of the story of Amanda Todd. However, experts say the extent of the capabilities of Todd’s tormentors were limited compared to the “shockingly sophisticated and terrifying” attack that seems to have caused Watson to so rapidly commit suicide.

4chan recently went through yet another great schism, with many leaving the community of so-called imageboards for another called 8chan.org, which promised to allow more freedom of speech after 4chan banned repetitive and worn-out postings against “Social Justice Warriors.” In the past, 4chan has had other disputes and separations, often based on what are now called “waifus,” or iconic images of beautiful young women such as Boxxy captioned with expressive, gestural words. In the past, the overuse of the Boxxy waifu caused a similar schism.

Emma Watson was the most beloved waifu at 4chan, so this depraved and violent attack has caused many to question whether or not 4chan has been infiltrated by outsiders. Some nascent Reddit men’s rights and dating advice groups, festering hives of lightly-veiled misogynistic ideology, believe that Social Justice Warriors are a dominant cultural force that must be resisted. Feminists, they believe, have done many terrible things such as turn America into a weaker country and shift power unfairly towards women in all sectors of life.

Until these Reddit groups emerged, most of this kind of lingo and ideology was simply not present on 4chan, or at least unformed, so many experts agree that either the ideas are bleeding over from Reddit, or that Reddit is intentionally pushing them on 4chan in an agenda that matches the ideology: Because there is such a thing as a Social War, it must be fought through the propagation of ideas, and in the case of Emma Watson, with violent and menacing threats and computer hacking.

News Obituaries

Henry Rollins Commits Suicide

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date August 23, 2014
16 Comments on Henry Rollins Commits Suicide

Henry Rollins committed suicide after a torrent of hatemail for his criticism of Robin William’s Suicide.

INTERNET — Henry Rollins, also known as Henry Garfield, was found dead in his home Saturday after his stomach tragically burst. Rollins angrily denounced Robin Williams for his recent suicide, saying, “I no longer take this person seriously,” but doctors say his ruptured chest was full of viciously chewed hate mail from Robin Williams fans.

Henry Rollins will be missed for his interesting addition to the classic American Hardcore band Black flag, even though he felt the band never really made it, saying “Flag never assimilated will with the Hollywood Punk scene.” Rollins was known in the music scene for his daddy issues, famously phoning up Ian MacKaye, a grandmaster of angry white man hardcore second only to Jello Biafara, to ask for permission to join Black Flag. MacKaye approved.

Not only was Black Flag an outsider in its milieu, but Rollins was an outsider, a mere replacement within Black Flag. The band, and Rollins especially, were targeted for abuse everywhere they played. Rollins himself admitted, “I got bottles bounced off of the head — after a a while, you become very wary, ready for someone to fuck with you — you get into you-versus-me situations. To this day I take shit.”

No one ever really liked Henry Rollins, especially his spoken-word stuff, and he will most likely not be missed by anyone except maybe four people at the most. Robin Williams was definitely more popular, his suicide overshadowing Rollins’ by far.

Obituaries

Neoliberalism Restored in Far Corner of Empire

Post author By chandio
Post date August 8, 2014
3 Comments on Neoliberalism Restored in Far Corner of Empire

Jesus not only hated taxation, he hated capitalism.

ROME— Late last night along a steep ridge on Bald Mountain, the Jewish rabble-rouser Jesus of Nazareth was crucified for crimes against Caesar. The self-proclaimed “King of the Jews” lay hanging on a cross through the night like a slaughtered lamb, blood spilling from his stigmatas, while hordes of provincial peoples poured into the Roman-occupied city of Yerushalayim to celebrate Passover, a local religious festival.

The Galilean-born ‘Messiah’ was rumored to have arrived in the city earlier this week on either a stolen colt or donkey – accounts vary – spreading messages of wealth redistribution, market regulation, and universal healthcare.

After an incident at a local temple involving table-turning and preying on widows, authorities were tipped off to to the healer-prophet-vagabond’s whereabouts by Judas Iscariot, a former follower turned whistleblower.

In a statement issued to the press, Mr. Iscariot spoke of his growing dissatisfaction with his former leader, “Jesus talks about this egalitarian society, right? Yet the fucker has his own hierarchical structure within his own following! Pete, Jimmy, Matthew—these fellows get all the attention, the adoration, while me and Barty are left at the wayside like a couple of stale Matzo balls.”

The deceased first stood trial before a local council of chief priests who were unable to produce testimony germane to the death penalty they were seeking.

After trumping up charges of tax evasion, the priests appealed to Rome’s own representative, Pontius Pilate, the 5th prefect of Judea. The Nazarene appeared before Pilate bearing all the signs of a heathen having been tortured. After a lengthy conversation revolving around “truth”, Pilate reported to the priests that he “found no fault in Him at all.” However, the holy men implored Pilate that he not be released, saying that Jesus was a stain upon Caesar’s neoliberal paradise.

Incidentally, this was all happening during Passover and Jewish tradition states a prisoner to be released during the holy week. But due to popular demand, and against his own judgment, Pilate released Barbarras, a well-known robber, instead of Jesus. This decision is said to have had quite an ill effect on the Roman prefect in the hours since.

After a good flogging on his way out of the city and up the mountain, Jesus was finally nailed to the cross. His mother Mary was in attendance, along with a few followers. Jesus’ last words were reported to be, “Ma! I’m thirsty, gimme some of that sour wine!”

He was 33.

Tags jesus, neoliberalism