Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Health

Dr. Troubadour’s Tips for a healthy relationship, featuring spiritual expert Christopher Nemelka of the Humanity Party and second coming of Joseph Smith, Marvelous Works and a Wonder

“Playing the Game”

Hey dudes. Dr. Troubadour here, and I am writing to you from Nepal! This four-part column comes after an exclusive spiritual love retreat with Trail Boss Christopher Nemelka, in which we spent two days and three nights plumbing the depths of our Mormon souls, in a divine quest to unlock vexing mysteries of the front hole.

Chris and Angus had a spiritual breakthrough together in Nepal.
Chris and Angus had a spiritual breakthrough together in Nepal.

Later I took ayahuasca, experienced ego death, and condensed my pontifications into beads of enlightenment for the purposes of this article, which was edited down – for your convenience – to fit into a palatable word count for your broken attention spans.

Without further ado (that means cut to the fucking chase), follow my researched tips for a healthy relationship that puts YOU in control!

1. No friends. “It’s just you and me, now”

First things first!

It used to be you needed to learn an instrument or how to sing in order to manipulate a woman’s reality. But with Christopher Nemelka’s patented technique, you will control a female within three well-crafted text messages, guaranteed.

Women love reassurance. Turn her reassurance into co-dependence with this one easy trick!

Dr. Troubadour says tell them things like, “Sure is nice bein’ free,” or “It’s like all our problems are over.” Christopher Nemelka added, “Make them feel dumb by using big words that only appear in the books you write!”

2. Keeping Score

Stay sharp! A good memory pays dividends in a loveless relationship such as your own. Do you remember that time she dropped your Special Edition iPhone, scuffing the case? Or what about when she clicked Like on another man’s Facebook photo?

What do ya say, Ref!?

Patriots such as yourself like to keep score. A true patriot Never Forgets. Teach your property a lesson she’ll Never Forget by assigning monetary values to the countless ways in which she has hurt your snowflake feelings.

By talking in a language women can understand (money), you will finally convey your true bitterness.

3. Withholding Sex

This paragraph could get pretty dark, and into a legal gray area, so let me just say, “Each of you are redefining your comfort zones right now,” and a person’s worth is valued only in direct proportion to the respect you have for them!

Demand sex when she’s not interested, and withhold it when she is. Unless that’s what she’s into!

4. No room for growth

People change over time. Over time, we learn new things about our lives, goals, and dreams. That’s OK. But once you get hold of the woman, that shit’s over.

Hobbies and interests are threatening. If you feel like her personal needs are cutting into your own, offer gentle ultimatums, like, “I understand you no longer love me, and want to go to yoga classes four nights a week. That’s fine. When you get home, I’ll be gone. Maybe I’ll be back.”

Start following these tips today and get started on your journey into spiritual dominance. Because the world owes you!

This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We own everything that matters.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Health

Asbestos restoration plan goes into effect Monday

Lebal Drocer stocks rose 40% Friday morning after the company’s eccentric executive Raleigh T. Sakers announced that he would return to the asbestos industry. This comes just two months after an explosive re-conceptualization of the Environmental Protection Agency, which now offers a framework for allowing new asbestos products back into US markets.

Back to School: Asbestos ceiling and floor tiles are being reintroduced to the Roanoke County Public School system in Virginia.
Back to School: Just in time for the Fall semester, Asbestos ceiling and floor tiles are being reintroduced to the Roanoke County Public School system in Virginia.

“It was high time the EPA recognized asbestos has a place not only on the periodic table of elements – it’s all natural – but in American homes, too,” Sakers said. “That’s why I, personally, – Raleigh Theodore Sakers – will blow the first load of Lebal Drocer Patented Asbestos Foam into one lucky homeowner’s hovel, blessing that shitnest with flame retardant properties!”

Asbestos is a clean, efficient product designed to keep you warm during the winter, and flame retardant for when you fall asleep with a cigarette burning or a doobie.

Qualifying Americans are automatically enrolled in the upcoming asbestos replenishment plan. The top one percent are exempt from the asbestos replacement tax penalty, as well as anyone wealthy enough to prove they should not be exposed to the mineral. There is a tax waiver being offered to those who agree to a one-month free trial of Amazon Prime. Cancel any time.

For more information about Asbestos and its advantages, read here. Overlook any health warnings you may see, as the site has become outdated, and they do not take into consideration our new & improved EPA testing standards.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Technology

Google Glass helps kids with autism read facial expressions like anger and paranoia

  • Anyone in the presence of Google Glass expresses anger and paranoia, which are just two sets of facial expressions that people with autism have difficulty identifying
  • Children with autism were able to improve their social skills by using Google Glass to help them understand outrage in the presence of Google Glass, according to a pilot study by researchers at Lebal Drocer Laboratories in Silicon Valley
Google Glass accurately guesses facial expressions, and even offers clues as to what people might be thinking about you.
Google Glass accurately guesses facial expressions, and even offers clues as to what people might be thinking about you.

The therapy, described in Dr. Alpha M. Troubadour’s 18-month study published in the Lebal Drocer Medical Review, uses an Internet Chronicle-designed app that provides real-time cues about other people’s facial expressions to a child wearing Google Glass.

As the child interacts with others, the app identifies and names their emotions through the Google Glass speaker (embarrassing) or onscreen. After one to three months of regular use, parents reported their children made more eye contact and recognized indignation, anger, and outrage faster than before.

Prior to participating in the study, Thomas avoided eye contact. Now, he stares motherfuckers down.
Prior to participating in the study, Thomas avoided eye contact. Now he stares motherfuckers down like he’s targeting them.

“People used to feel bad for my autistic son, who could not recognize their efforts to engage him. Now, not only can he recognize uneasiness in people’s faces, he has learned how to tell when he is unwelcome in a room. And when he looks in the mirror, even he can see what a colossal douchebag he is.”

Daphne, 42