Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

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News Science

HURRICANE SANDY WREAKS SAVAGE DESTRUCTION

SANDY EXPLODES NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — HURRICANE SANDY HAS SWEPT THE NORTHEAST, LEAVING A TRAIL OF INCOMPARABLE DESTRUCTION. A COMBINATION OF HIGH TIDE AND STORM SURGE HAS FLOODED THE MONTAUK AND OYSTER CREEK NUCLEAR FACILITIES,  NOW REPORTEDLY AT SUPERCRITICAL MASS. MELTDOWN IS IMMINENT, AND AREA RESIDENTS ARE BEING FORCEFULLY EVACUATED TO NEARBY FEMA CAMPS.

THE CONEY ISLAND HOSPITAL HAS CAUGHT FIRE AND THE FDNY IS UNABLE TO RESPOND BECAUSE BRIDGES HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN DUE TO HIGH WINDS AND FLOODING.

UPDATE: THIS CONEY ISLAND FIRE RUMOR MAY HAVE BEEN A HOAX BUT THE ANNOUNCEMENT IT IS A HOAX MAY ITSELF BE A HOAX. THERE IS TOO MUCH MAYHEM TO TELL. HACKERS MAY HAVE INFILTRATED THE TWITTER ACCOUNTS OF ALL LOCAL AUTHORITIES. TRUST NOTHING BUT THE INFALLIBLE CHRONICLE.SU

FACILITIES HOUSING NUCLEAR WEAPONS HAVE BEEN FLOODED, AND SCIENTISTS FEAR AN ACCIDENTAL DETONATION DUE TO THE NEUTRON-INSULATING PROPERTIES OF SALT WATER.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME UNLESS IT IS ON FIRE OR IN THE DIRECT GAMMA RADIATION ZONE OF THE NUCLEAR INCIDENTS, AND THEN ONLY WITH USE OF A RADIATION SUIT. A MAKESHIFT RADIATION SUIT MAY BE CONSTRUCTED WITH DUCT TAPE AND ALUMINUM FOIL. RESCUE TEAMS HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO MOBILIZE SO THE NATIONAL GUARD AND THE FEMA YOUTH CORPS HAVE BEEN ACTIVATED. MARTIAL LAW HAS BEEN DECLARED IN 14 STATES. COOPERATE WITH FEMA IMMEDIATELY OR YOU WILL BE SHOT.

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Entertainment Health News

Violent J of the Insane Clown Posse diagnosed with skin cancer

Here is a rare photo of “Violent J” without his carcinogenic face-paint.

DETROIT, MICH. — Joseph Bruce, aka Violent J, founding member of the Insane Clown Posse, released a statement to fans Friday canceling further tour dates pending his recovery from skin cancer. Doctors say the cancer was caused by carcinogens in the oil-based “dark carnival” style face paint, which Bruce wore at home and for all public appearances.

Oncologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said, “Sadly, the face paint not only caused the skin cancer but it also hid the tell-tale signs of growth before the tumor became deadly. Violent J is putting up a strong fight, but at this stage his chances of survival are slim.”

Over the course of a year, the survival rate for skin cancer that has progressed to this stage on the face is estimated at about 10 percent. “We’re hoping for a magical miracle,” said Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp, Bruce’s babies’ momma.

Shaggy 2 Dope, another member of the Insane Clown Posse rap group, stated “I’m switchin’ to motherfuckin’ safe face paints from now on. All you other juggalos out there, spray-paintin’ yourselves ‘n shit, y’all need to get real. Clown makeup ain’t no joke no more. Woop woop!”

Fans of the Insane Clown Posse were recently declared a gang by the FBI, and crimes by so-called “Juggalos” now carry extra sentences in some urban areas.

 

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Editorial Hate News Technology

The Evil Hierarchy of Reddit Moderators

Reddit Moderator

Increasingly, all people are being turned into objects. This is more than a gender issue. This is the death of the Subject. Nobody has truly come to grips with the horrible alienation of Social Media. On r/creepshots, people have entered a sick feedback loop that we all know ends with ragdoll porn and sex doll necrorape fantasy. Sure it’s legal, but so is investigating the identities of the people who moderate it.[pullquote]”What kind of person would want to sit around and moderate Reddit all day?” ~ Viciously Raped Sex Doll[/pullquote]

Adrian Chen is a dickhead who constantly steals his ideas from Chronicle.SU, and Gawker is a piece-of-shit tabloid, but Violentacrez, a person who didn’t even take elementary precautions to protect his identity, cannot be doxed. Just because he’s your friend and he’s being attacked by a tabloid doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice the freedom of speech.

In this day and age it’s so common for meaning to be inverted by a small group of people who control media. Just look at the way Christians claim that abortion is an affront to religious freedom. Censoring Gawker in the name of freedom of speech is the same thing. Your bff, Violentacrez, might have been unfairly treated by someone trolling for tabloid hits, but is the answer really abusing your power to censor an entire media outlet? Why’d you even bother with the SOPA blackout?

I’ve had my run-ins with Reddit Moderators in the past. In fact, Chronicle.SU is banned from r/politics. By banning Gawker, a small group of people have ONCE AGAIN proven they are merciless tyrants.