Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

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Categories
Health

Miracle drug unlocks hellish introspective nightmare

[SPONSORED CONTENT]

What is self-awareness anyway?

A good friend tells you when you’re fuckin up, a bad friend ignores it, and your ENEMY tells everyone else.

Have you ever tried telling somebody something, though, and they just can’t seem to get it through their thick skull?

That’s why we’ve invented Dr. Troubadour’s patented Armstrong Self-Awareness Serum. It grows real, natural self-awareness in 31 days!

Our customers will attest that Dr. Troubadour’s formula-grown self-awareness is the same as real self-awareness.

Ralph Manly, City bus driver who has never used a turn signal

“No more blind spots! I’m in the clear now, and I can finally see what a cold, blind, and unloving man I have been for the last 43 years. I can’t believe it’s not real self-awareness!”

That’s right, folks. No more blind spots, no more snickering behind your back, and no more emotional retardation, all for a flat, low monthly rate. Troubadour’s Self-Awareness Serum is with you for LIFE!

Monica Seward, Librarian with strangely ignorant beliefs

“I’m hooked on awareness. I no longer feel like I need to scan every horizon, because I already know what’s there: Just a bunch of people using people, and who needs that? So long TerrorMax. Hello, S-A Serum!”

Are you sick of always being left on the outside of what’s going on inside? This Troubadour tincture will tickle your fancy! For just $99 American Warbucks a month, you can drink this shit up and see what shit’s holding you down.

Bimmy, a 28-year-old woman-child having absolutely no problem adjusting to her shattered innocence

“I used to blame my lack of development on society, circumstance, and even my family. With Troubadour’s self-awareness serum, now I know the reason I never achieved anything is because I am a talent-less, unmotivated, uninspired, boring person. Thanks, Dr. Troubadour!”

dr troubadour
“Dr. Midnight”

Hi, I’m Dr. Troubadour. Folks used to tell me I would not amount to anything. If I’d listened to them, they’d be right. But I struck out and carved my own path. Licenses? Peer-review? I bucked the system, and became a doctor my own way. My eyes are open.

You got a lot of nerve walking through life and not even thinking about where you’re stepping. Take my drugs. Grow a perspective!

[Editor’s note: ALL the women i date want to know where this anger is coming from. why so many holes in my drywall? all i want to know is how many holes u got for ME?? PLEASE EMAIL. —Raleigh T. ]

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Categories
News Technology

Gmail migrates ‘hangouts’ functions to Google Voice

INTERNET — The geniuses at Alphabet megacorp have really fucked up this time, destroying their own gmail web site by migrating some of its only functions into a provably inferior website no one would ever want to use, Google Voice. This piece of shit web site allows users to view only one text message conversation at a time, makes no sound at all when messages are received, cannot embed links or videos, and frequently freezes the browser for minutes at a time.

Why would Google purposefully mangle their own web site, setting users back fifteen years? How could anyone even conceive of such a shitty web site? A roadkilled raccoon smeared across ten miles of highway could write better software. The dried piss caked underneath the lip of my toilet is more useful and has more features than Google Voice.

After the first time I was forced to use Google Voice, I shattered my PC case, ripped out the RAM containing that vile code, and after grinding it to pieces with my garbage disposal I washed it down the drain. Then, smelling the stink of shitty software all through the neighborhood, I had my septic tank emptied.

Inside Google’s boardroom the executives are exploring their ears and noses with screwdrivers as a crayon lunch is served to them on a silver platter by a chimpanzee in a butler suit. “Our decision is final!” the chairman screams, smearing Elmer’s on his tie and pissing himself. “I am the computer KING,” he announces, shattering open his smartphone. He takes a deep breath of the toxic flourine battery vapors just moments before an ignition which bursts open his chest, sending viscera across the room. The executives clap and dance, their shouts and laughs muffled by mouthfuls of crayon. “Google! Google! Google!”

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Categories
Health

Lebal Drocer vaccine will contain trace amounts of narcotics

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to get more Americans vaccinated faster, the Biden administration announced Dr. Fauci’s assessment that it is not enough simply to promise citizens an escape from the coronavirus nightmare.

The Lebal Drocer vaccine is so good at preventing COVID-19, experts predict Americans will be “addicted” to inoculating.

That is why President Joe Biden’s CDC has partnered with Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals to develop the Lebal Drocerna™ OXYVAX True Miracle® Covid-19 cure.

Biden said, “They might not believe in the vaccine, but Dr. Troubadour knows what they do believe in!”

OxyMax and OxyVax variants protect you from bad vibes, negative energy, and the novel coronavirus.

This fantastic new drug, according to Lebal Drocer top medical strategist Angstrom Troubadour, will contain more than just a tepid, uninspired Pfizer elixir. His state-of-the-art laboratory has added trace amounts of Troubadour’s signature party drugs to the lipid suspension, including meth, heroin, crack cocaine, and PCP.

“Our plan is to vaccinate 950 million Americans,” Biden said. “I told my cabinet 1.2 billion Americans? I never could have imagined that in my presidency we would see more than 3 billion vaccinations jabbed into all 350 million Americans’ arms. My people are telling me you’re going to have to beg and plead with these people to stop taking the vaccine, and data suggests this shit works! By 2022 our models predict we will have vaccinated 9 billion Americans with this insanely addictive, life-destroying vaccine.”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour has worked tirelessly on a comprehensive vaccine.

How the new vaccine works is explained by medical experiments performed on the homeless by Pauly Mann, Chief researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Doing Whatever We Want To Your Bodies.

“You cut the vaccine with our dope, and you’re gonna see shots in arms like this is a smackhouse,” Mann said. “With Lebal Drocerna, some people are going to be getting this vaccine three and four times in a row before we stop giving it out.”

Troubadour chuckled, adding with a grin, “At some point, they might have to make a law against this.”