Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

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News Technology

Gmail migrates ‘hangouts’ functions to Google Voice

INTERNET — The geniuses at Alphabet megacorp have really fucked up this time, destroying their own gmail web site by migrating some of its only functions into a provably inferior website no one would ever want to use, Google Voice. This piece of shit web site allows users to view only one text message conversation at a time, makes no sound at all when messages are received, cannot embed links or videos, and frequently freezes the browser for minutes at a time.

Why would Google purposefully mangle their own web site, setting users back fifteen years? How could anyone even conceive of such a shitty web site? A roadkilled raccoon smeared across ten miles of highway could write better software. The dried piss caked underneath the lip of my toilet is more useful and has more features than Google Voice.

After the first time I was forced to use Google Voice, I shattered my PC case, ripped out the RAM containing that vile code, and after grinding it to pieces with my garbage disposal I washed it down the drain. Then, smelling the stink of shitty software all through the neighborhood, I had my septic tank emptied.

Inside Google’s boardroom the executives are exploring their ears and noses with screwdrivers as a crayon lunch is served to them on a silver platter by a chimpanzee in a butler suit. “Our decision is final!” the chairman screams, smearing Elmer’s on his tie and pissing himself. “I am the computer KING,” he announces, shattering open his smartphone. He takes a deep breath of the toxic flourine battery vapors just moments before an ignition which bursts open his chest, sending viscera across the room. The executives clap and dance, their shouts and laughs muffled by mouthfuls of crayon. “Google! Google! Google!”

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Health

Lebal Drocer vaccine will contain trace amounts of narcotics

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to get more Americans vaccinated faster, the Biden administration announced Dr. Fauci’s assessment that it is not enough simply to promise citizens an escape from the coronavirus nightmare.

The Lebal Drocer vaccine is so good at preventing COVID-19, experts predict Americans will be “addicted” to inoculating.

That is why President Joe Biden’s CDC has partnered with Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals to develop the Lebal Drocerna™ OXYVAX True Miracle® Covid-19 cure.

Biden said, “They might not believe in the vaccine, but Dr. Troubadour knows what they do believe in!”

OxyMax and OxyVax variants protect you from bad vibes, negative energy, and the novel coronavirus.

This fantastic new drug, according to Lebal Drocer top medical strategist Angstrom Troubadour, will contain more than just a tepid, uninspired Pfizer elixir. His state-of-the-art laboratory has added trace amounts of Troubadour’s signature party drugs to the lipid suspension, including meth, heroin, crack cocaine, and PCP.

“Our plan is to vaccinate 950 million Americans,” Biden said. “I told my cabinet 1.2 billion Americans? I never could have imagined that in my presidency we would see more than 3 billion vaccinations jabbed into all 350 million Americans’ arms. My people are telling me you’re going to have to beg and plead with these people to stop taking the vaccine, and data suggests this shit works! By 2022 our models predict we will have vaccinated 9 billion Americans with this insanely addictive, life-destroying vaccine.”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour has worked tirelessly on a comprehensive vaccine.

How the new vaccine works is explained by medical experiments performed on the homeless by Pauly Mann, Chief researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Doing Whatever We Want To Your Bodies.

“You cut the vaccine with our dope, and you’re gonna see shots in arms like this is a smackhouse,” Mann said. “With Lebal Drocerna, some people are going to be getting this vaccine three and four times in a row before we stop giving it out.”

Troubadour chuckled, adding with a grin, “At some point, they might have to make a law against this.”

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Health

Dr. Troubadour announces long list of prescription-only ‘good times’ to be had CHEAP

Virtual Dr. Troubadour’s head opens like a hatch, ejecting the perfect pill that’s right for YOU

Hello,

I am Dr. Angstrom H. Troubonymous. I have enjoyed a long, storied career as a plastic surgeon to America’s top most beautiful celebrities. Some people say I do not deserve my wealth. Some say I deserve nothing at all. Others still will say I should be locked up, behind bars, and caged like an animal. As you can see, with all my accolades, I’m about ready to prescribe you a whole medicine chest of oxys, percocets, tramadol, xanny bars, yellow boys, and footballs.

I do not have a medical license, but the way everybody’s looking for me, you would think I am the best doctor in town, and you’d be right! But no, I may not have no fancy medical degrees. No, I did not go to Princeton, Harvard, or Yale. I attended Lebal Drocer University, where everybody gets a turn. From there I learned the invaluable art of having a good time.

That is why I come to you today with shrimp benzos, shrimp downers, shrimp quaaludes – I can still get those (I know a guy) – perc 30s, perc scampy, perc burgers, perc in aspic, perc in boiled sauce – perc mayo and perc junip, with sprigs on the side.

I am a pretty good old doctor. Look for me in the Yellow Pages. Remember the Yellow Pages?

Catch you on the flip! The candy-flip, that is!

Sincerely,

Dr. Langstrom P. Armstrong, Ph.Dizzle