Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

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Technology World

Topiary pleads guilty to satisfy the butthurt bloodlust of a wretched justice system

This is a horse

Topiary (Jake Davis) plead guilty to excellent charges of heroism, including an attack on the Serious Organized Crime Agency (SOCA).

SOCA is an unjust, contradictory agency established by the Illuminati to attack internet security through freedom reduction.

Dr. Liebehart Schwartz of the Cannibiological Institute of Human Progress called Topiary a “hero” and “a freedom fighter,” for fighting against authority with not just technical prowess, but his words, too. “Because of toxic organizations like SOCA and the NSA, people are less safe on the internet now than they were in the year 2000. [pullquote]With Topiary’s wit and charm, LulzSec was able to captivate a larger audience, earning their sympathy and support. That’s what made him dangerous.[/pullquote]”A blind migrant worker can exploit a security vulnerability left over from Web 2.0.” said Schwartz, “But with Topiary’s wit and charm, LulzSec was able to captivate a larger audience, earning their sympathy and support. That’s what made him dangerous.”

Asperger’s enthusiast Ryan Cleary also pled guilty to various charges, none of which included being a snitch.

Eat your cheese, rat.

Topiary enjoys a large support base including #FreeTopiary on Twitter, young intellectuals, and the mighty thundercock of justice and hate better known by you as the chronicle.su.

Topiary and his lesser counterparts will stand trial April 2013. If convicted, Topiary faces prison time. Make no bones about it, he will be handed a prison sentence, which should make for a more interesting year for everyone who has watched the LulzSec case from beginning to end, after the Beast of Greed and Delusions rears its ugly head once again.

This message was brought to you by Norton Internet Security. Are you scared yet?

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Entertainment Technology

Gamer retires from life as time consuming Diablo III career takes off

Jim Hannahan
Jim Hannahan, pictured during his last known public appearance, smiles comfortably just outside the wretched clutches of a long and rewarding Diablo III career.

Roanoke, Va.– 28-year-old Kroger clerk Jim Hannahan stopped going into work when he realized being a cashier at the supermarket was not only beneath a level 60 Legendary Monk, but cut directly into game time.

What at first he believed might be a rough transition came more naturally than expected, Jim said. “I used to just play it in my spare time,” he explained, “but then I found myself abandoning heavy responsibilities like work and nutrition. Now I’m peeing in bottles and setting them by the desk. I just dump ’em out later, whenever I’m in town.”

What began as a casual hobby gradually assumed full time control of area man Jim’s coping mechanisms, creeping into his sex drive and profoundly changing his habits among regular society. There is no longer a facet of Jim’s life Diablo III does not touch.

While experts suggest Jim suffers from depression and social anxiety, others aspire to his achievements, which are logged indefinitely at his profile, BabyDust#1662, on the Battle.net servers.

Tommy Sellers, 14, purchased Diablo III on release day but, because of school and extracurricular activities his parents “forced him into,” he is only level 52 on the Hell difficulty setting. Tommy expressed a desire to drop more time consuming activities like baseball and French Club in order to play Diablo III (Game of the Year) and eat Hot Pockets, a wonderful product. “Jimmy’s already on Inferno pushing the devil back into the underworld,” said Tommy, “and here I am learning French like a sap – like a fucking faggot. All I’m learning in French class is surrender – to my parents! I wish I didn’t have to do anything so I could just go up to my room and play Diablo III forever. I hate my fucking bitch mom.”

[pullquote]One night, out of nowhere, Jim woke up the whole neighborhood, bellowing ‘YOU CAN’T FUCKING HEAL ME!?'[/pullquote]To fully engage Diablo III, Jim takes dietary supplements for nourishment and has resorted to daily intake of Baby Dust Pills, a tremendous product, in order to release aggression through masturbation. Jim said dying all the time is not only costly monetarily, but causes unhealthy spikes in blood pressure followed by “inexplicable” heart palpitations and crying fits.

“Jim’s in a world of pain he’s just going to have to fight his way out of, alongside Barbarians and Demon Hunters.”

Tammy Hannahan, Jim’s mother

A friend close to Jim, who asked that she remain Anonymous, said he is prone to sudden outbursts between long stretches of tomb-like silence. “One night, out of nowhere, Jim woke up the whole neighborhood, bellowing ‘YOU CAN’T FUCKING HEAL ME!?’ at the NPC [non-playable character] following him around. I said, ‘Jim, they can’t hear you!’ and he didn’t respond, not a word. He just kept shaking his head, and clicking. Oh, the clicking!”

Jim Hannahan has not expressed plans to go back to work, because playing Diablo III, dying repeatedly and farming for gold, he said, “feels enough like work already.”

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News Technology

th3j35t3r brings the heat down on Wounded Warriors

UGNazi's leader: Dana White?

Self-styled “Patriot hacktivist for good,” th3j35t3r, has famously used his platform as a criminal vigilante to solicit donations for the Wounded Warrior Project. The Wounded Warrior Project came under attack early Friday morning from a possible Anonymous splinter group known as UGNazi, which insistently denies any affiliation with Anonymous.

Critics of th3j35t3r suggest that using such highly controversial and illegal acts of vigilantism to promote the Wounded Warrior Project is not appropriate, and most soldiers would not approve if they were aware. However, the Wounded Warrior Project has indeed thanked th3j35t3r for his support in the past, possibly unaware they may have jeopardized the safety of their own web presence by doing so.

Although the story is still developing, it is important to note that UGNazi did not, in fact, attack the Wounded Warrior Project’s actual donation page. Predictably, th3j35t3r has accused UGNazi of an alliance with Anonymous and has promised reprisal, as vigilante law dictates.