Category: Society

Aww, look! They think they’re people!

Categories
Society

My winky made a stinky

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour operates a Fake News Camp where children learn discipline, and respect. But he could not do nothing for my two boys.

I just had kids, they’re wonderful. I let the littlest one fight the bigger one as a form of entertainment. I don’t let them do that at home, it’s a special thing just for when we are at there memaw and peepee’s, as a treat. Do you understand? This encourages wild, rambunctious behavior.

My bad kid.

When my kid misbehaves, it’s not like he would have done that anyway or just to anybody. No, I’ve raised this one to come at you, personally, hitting and taunting you, because he knows you won’t hit him back.

He shows you his ass, and says, “This is my ass, come at me bitch.” My little one says that. “Come at me bitch.” Do you want to know just how big my old heart swoled up when he done that? When he said that to his bitch mimi? Do you want to know? Do you?

I let my kids run wild and I do not dare discipline them. Nope. What I do instead:

They hit the dogs, and I say NO, WE DO NOT HIT ANIMALS, THAT’S WHY YOU’RE NOT GETTING THE IPAD, CAUSE YOU AND YOUR BROTHER CAN’T BEHAVE, I scream. “I’m watching you.”

Sounds fucked up, right? Well, here’s my trick.

I let 45 seconds go by, and then I walk out to the truck, I get the ipad, slam the door hard so they hear me coming and I hand it to them and I say, “See what happens when you’re bein good?”

My kid is growing up to be a powerful, violent young boy.

What he can’t manipulate out of you with hatred, he’ll back up with cruelty.

Long and short of it is, oops — my winky made a stinky! and i went uh oh thinky? and now i kind of drinky, to pass the time away.

Shouldn’t have had kids, anyway enjoy this ecological disaster i just unleashed on yall ok goodnight love yuns

Categories
Politics Religion

RESPECTED COMRADE JOSEF BIDEN SENDS GREETINGS TO LATE SEN. DIANNE FEINSTEIN

JOSEF BIDEN, GENERAL SECRETARY OF THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE (DNC), PRECEDED BY THE DEMOCRATIC-REPUBLICAN PARTY (DRPK)OF SOCIAL LIBERALISM AND THE ALLIANCE OF DEMOCRATS, SENT A MESSAGE OF GREETING TO DIANNE FEINSTEIN, WHOSE DESICCATED BODY WAS LOWERED INTO THE EARTH AT HIGH NOON ON SUNDAY.

THE RESPECTED COMRADE JOSEF BIDEN IN HIS MESSAGE EXTENDED WARM CONGRATULATIONS ON BEHALF OF THE DRPK GOVERNMENT AND ALL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO GENERAL SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN OF THE DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S PARTY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA, THE US GOVERNMENT, AND THE FRATERNAL ORDER OF DEMOCRATIC NATIONALISTS ON THE YEAR OF HER ASCENT TO THE THRONE OF ETERNITY.

COMRADE JOSEF BIDEN PRAISED THE LATE SEN. DIANNE FEINSTEIN AS A “TRUE SENTINEL” AND LAUDED HER LONG TENURE IN THE SENATE FOLLOWING NEWS OF HER ASCENT TO THE THRONE OF AMERICAN ETERNITY ON FRIDAY.

“SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN WAS A PIONEERING AMERICAN,” BIDEN SAID, “AND A TRULY HECKIN GIRLBOSS. FOR JILL AND ME, A CHERISHED FRIEND. FOR THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY, A FAUCET THROUGH WHICH RESOURCES FLOWED LIKE THE GREAT WATERS OF LIBERATION.”

SHE FACED CALLS TO RESIGN THIS YEAR AFTER A LONG ABSENCE FROM THE MIND AS SHE RECOVERED FROM LONG HAVANA FOLLOWING AN ATTACK ON HER EMBASSY IN THE AMERICAN SPRING.

VEILED ATTACKS WERE DELIVERED UNDER THE GUISE OF CONCERNS ABOUT HER HEALTH BY IMPERIALIST PIGDOGS AND ENEMIES OF FREEDOM.

BIDEN SAID FEINSTEIN WAS A WOMAN.

“OFTEN THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE ROOM, DIANNE WAS A ROLE MODEL FOR SO MANY AMERICANS — HER THIRST FOR BLOOD AND COMMITMENT TO ORDER AND PRAISE OF HEGEMONIC VIRTUE SHONE LIKE A SUN IN THE NIGHT SKY, OVERPOWERING THE INKY OOZE OF DOUBT WHICH THREATENS TO BLOT OUT THE AMERICAN PURPOSE,” BIDEN SAID.

“DIANNE WAS TOUGH, SHARP, ALWAYS PREPARED, AND NEVER PULLED A PUNCH, ESPECIALLY IF THAT MEANT GETTING DRONES INTO THE CLEAR BLUE SKIES OVER THE DESERTED LANDS OF OUR GODLESS ENEMIES, SO THAT NEITHER THE SUNSHINE, NOR COULD A CLOUDLESS DAY, BRING A SMILE TO THE CHILDREN OF HER OPPONENTS.”

GREAT LEADER JOSEF BIDEN SAID THE FRATERNAL AMERICAN PEOPLE WILL MAKE FRESH SUCCESS IN THE STRUGGLE FOR BUILDING A MODERN SOCIALIST STATE IN ALL ASPECTS AND SAFEGUARDING THE SOVEREIGNTY AND TERRITORIAL INTEGRITY OF THE COUNTRY UNDER HIS LEADERSHIP.

GLORIOUS COMRADE JOSEF BIDEN SINCERELY WISHES YOU GOOD HEALTH AND GREATER SUCCESS IN YOUR RESPONSIBLE WORK FOR THE PARTY AND STATE, THE DNC PROSPERITY, AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAPPINESS.

Categories
Law Uncontrollable Patriotism

New law would allow Tennessee educators to carry secondary weapon, ballistic shields, and custom loadouts with perks and bonuses

After 25 years of teaching, Mr. Tiesto is awarded four custom primary weapon attachments.

NASHVILLE, Tenn.—Lawmakers have heard the concerns of Tennessee educators after a law was passed earlier in the month that would let teachers bring more guns into classrooms. They answered with a new law passed by congress this week, that  will allow public school teachers carry ballistic shields, a secondary sidearm, and custom ranked loadouts for keeping up with an ever-changing battlefield.

Many teachers, whose personal budgets are already strapped by low pay, face a decades-old complex of having to spend their own money on desperately needed school supplies. Now, that little bit of money once intended for glue sticks, crayons, and construction paper are being repurposed for lead slinging weapons of iron and wood, making Tennessee schools a place for high powered learning.

Thanks to a partnership with Rural Home Furnishings, Tennessee’s “Top Fraggers,” or highest-ranking educators in participating schools, can look forward to high quality pine wood gun-racks in the classroom where all their favorite gear is stored for easy access.

Before last week, Memphis school teacher Sined Tardislep, 40, had never shot a gun in her life. Now she spends half of every lunch break at the middle school gun range, practicing for what she calls “the next Uvalde.”

“You see their fatasses driving around in those shiny new Ford Explorers,” Tardislep says, referring to officers in the Memphis Police Department. “You know they aren’t crawling out of that air conditioning and coming in to some smelly elementary school to save my little brown kids.”

Gov. Bill Lee gave a moving speech. As he talked to a room of newly armed school teachers, he twitched and flinched, appearing to dodge, moving just in case. He switched from the AWP to the Desert Eagle, back to the AWP, back to the Desert Eagle, to the AWP again, back to the Desert Eagle, to the AWP, to the knife, and he swiped his knife against the lectern.

“Tennessee’s children are the future,” Lee said. “Which is why we are awarding this chrome-plated Desert Eagle magnum to Mary Pulaski, who has worked tirelessly for the past 15 years at the Nashville Christian Academy, using only a .22 caliber sidearm. Mary, bunny-hop on up to the stage, will you please?”

With the tools of change now in their hands, and opportunity at their feet, the inevitable uprising of battle-hardened educators draws closer.

With so many killers being turned out of school systems, the “sheep are raising the wolves,” according to DuFraine County Middle School Principal Martin Winchester. He says some children now look at him with the cold glint of murder in their eyes.

“Cops won’t kill one of their own. We are not like them, we’re not social workers. We can’t tell if we’re raising the next school shooter, or the next police officer,” Winchester said. “That’s basically the same kid.”

He said he is authorized to fire warning shots in the cafeteria to get the children’s attention, for dismissing lunch, roll call, or making announcements.

Regardless of which side of the aisle they stand on, more guns in the classroom have Tennessee children on their toes and, above all else, ready to learn.