Category: Society

Aww, look! They think they’re people!

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Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

Police Raid on Boone’s Mill Church of Biden exposes Satanic Democrat Child Trafficking Ring

The Satanic Church of Biden, in Boones Mill, Virginia

BOONE’S MILL, VIRGINIA — Police drew a thin blue line across Boone’s Mill, early Friday Morning, as they raided the Boone’s Mill Church of Biden. Minister Whitey Teylor, who presided over a Satanic rape baptism in honor of President Biden, was shot on sight after police were heard shouting, “He’s got a gun!” Teylor survives in critical condition at Roanoke Memorial Hospital, where he is awaiting weapon charges.

Chief of Police Freddy Jaksov said during a pseudoevent that members of law enforcement are scheduled to enter his hospital room and place a gun in his hand, proving his fingerprints were on the murder weapon.

Refuse of Biden merchandise filled Boone’s Mill after police officers tore down cheap cardboard signs littering the church’s exterior, by driving through them in a department issued Mercedes-Maybach S 680. Several mysterious children were saved from so-called rape baptism at the hands of demonic Democrats. However, upon learning these children were illegal immigrants, police promptly and abruptly put them into cages, a practice that thankfully began under Barack Hussein Obama, but that the police nonetheless support.

“The police are animals,” Teylor said. “Cages are the only thing they know.”

Reverend Teylor is charged with “shitting up” Boone’s Mill, where people are already too ugly, following with an ordinance passed by the drunken city council late Thursday night. After the raid he is facing much more serious charges. He is facing 57 charges of conspiracy for the satanic communist pedophile network and 91 relating the the abuse and smuggling of illegal minors which, according to chronicle.su pediatrician Dr. Angstrom H. Trusmeboy, is not that many.

“I’ve seen a lot of trafficking,” Trusmeboy said. “There isn’t much demand for these ones, it’s a niche market, and he’s going to take up space here in my shop. Best I can do is a thousand and five, firm.”

Jaksov later told reporters, “If you find any Biden worshipers out here, report them to us at once, and we will raid their asses, with our batons. You know what they’re doing! We know what they’re doing. Let’s crack some skulls, January 6 style.”

Jaksov took the condom off his baton, and threw it on the ground at his feet.

[UPDATE: Fingerprints identified as belonging to Teylor were found on the murder weapon discovered in his hand by police who, by chance, found it on his person as it left their position into his right hand. According to sources inside the global collective unconscious, he is now fucked.]

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Categories
Health Society

After running over five people and killing one, Dr. Troubadour walks away as if nothing happened

dr troubadour
Troubadour was cleared of any wrong-doing.

MIAMI, Fla.–Dr. Troubadour was cleared of charges Monday, immediately following a distressing incident in which he inexplicably drove onto a bike path, striking five pedestrians and killing one, as another suffers life-threatening injuries.

According to eyewitness reports, the doctor and former professor emeritus at M.I.T., Angstrom H. Troubadour, intentionally swerved into a bike lane following a confrontation with cyclists.

The remaining four victims lying in the path were handcuffed and are being detained by the Miami Police Department on charges of obstructing a bike lane.

Sgt. Bailey Bondsman said the victims are being brought in for questioning.

Still from cellphone video shows path of destruction where Troubadour drove onto a bike lane, striking at least five cyclists.
Still from cellphone video shows path of destruction where Troubadour drove onto a bike lane, striking at least five cyclists.

“We’re going to find out what they done to upset Dr. Troubadour, compelling him to drive into the bike lane,” he said. “Were they good people? I don’t know. You tell me. Some of them were not even wearing helmets.”

The renegade doctor spoke to reporters via Twitter Spaces from his Mar-a-Lago suite on Monday. Dr. Troubadour, belonging to a protected class of society, said he walked away unharmed by the cruelty of legal process.

“I stepped out of the car,” Dr. Troubadour said, “and this woman looked about ready to project her entire lifetime of bad choices onto me. She said, ‘Aren’t you sorry?’ Well, I escalated it, and I got in her face and I said, ‘What the fuck did you just say to me?'”

Dr. Troubadour, author of the best-selling 15 Emotions You Can Live Without, puffed out his fat hairy barrel chest and put both arms out in a shrugging motion – with raised shoulders and palms facing the sky – as his eyes burned with fresh anger.

“I said, ‘Yeah I’m sorry, alright. I’m sorry I didn’t hit you, too,’ and I told my girls to get their things, and I said, ‘Don’t let her negativity ruin our fun day.'”

A spokesman for Miami PD called Dr. Troubadour a 'model citizen,' adding that bikers should be more aware of his presence around the community.
A spokesman for Miami PD called Dr. Troubadour a ‘model citizen,’ asking that bikers be more aware of his presence around the community.

Witnesses who waited at the scene said Troubadour pulled over and parked next to the bike path. He was overheard through the driver’s side window saying he was on his way from one pain clinic to another– the RDJ Pain Management Center, near the beach.

Sources saw Troubadour grab his things before stepping out of the driver’s seat. He walked away from the scene with three women, one appearing to have pissed herself during the event. The women proceeded to get their purses, beach towels and drug paraphernalia from the Tesla, and also did not appear to look at the scene.

“He showed no emotion,” one bystander said, who asked not to be named. “I wouldn’t either. Don’t traumatize me talking bout ‘what I did to you.’ Walk on, Doctor, walk on.”

Another witness said Troubadour owned the situation by refusing to acknowledge the people sprawled out among bicycle parts, fresh dirt, and wet grass tracked onto the path. Jeremy Raison, 42, called it a ‘textbook play’ straight out of The Alphabet of Manliness, a book published by Maddox, and still remembered by some.

“He got out, didn’t look at nobody, refused eye contact, answered no questions, and left calmly,” Raison said. “There wasn’t no laying around in the grass, bellyaching, ‘Boo hoo, I got run over by a world-famous prestigious physician.’ He just went on. They don’t make them like that no more. You’ve got to be next-level fucked up to hit all those people, and just walk away.”

Attorneys for Troubadour are seeking damages for the incident, citing tremendous medical bills received from his home office, where he is treating himself for CPTSD as a result of trauma.

Police say:

The four suspects slammed into by a car owned by Troubadour are being held at the Miami-Dade County Subterranean Dungeon Filled With Piss and Bile and High Level Monsters, where they will wait indefinitely, pending further charges.

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Categories
Religion

Twitch streamer ‘Niki’ excommunicated by Catholic Church

Archbishop Cardinal Fairchild was enraged, Wednesday, as he condemned a twitch streamer giving mock confessionals.

INTERNET — Archbishop Cardinal Scotty Fairchild held a press conference Wednesday at The Holy Name of Mary Cathedral in Austin, Texas, denouncing and ultimately excommunicating Twitch streamer ‘Niki’, after a ‘confessional’ call-in segment went viral on the video sharing app TikTok.

Sweating and disheveled, The Archbishop clenched his fists in anger and ranted, “Nuns have never been permitted to give confessions, for exactly all the reasons I saw on her sick videos,” Fairchild told reporters. “Even worse, in broadcasting these confessionals, she violated it’s sacred confidentiality.”

“It’s not a usual step, I’ll admit,” the Archbishop said, “But I’m banning all members of the church in Texas from watching Niki’s streams. It’s vile, bestial pornography. Satan, the great deceiver, is speaking through her lips. It is as if she is as bad as Eve, eating the fruit of sin all over again!”

Several of Niki’s fans were spotted protesting at The Holy Name of Mary Cathedral after Wednesday’s announcement. Longtime fan Jeff Turnbuckle, of Oklahoma City, drove six hours to participate in the protest and told reporters, “Now I’m not a religious man, but Niki’s growth as a streamer over the past year is nothing short of a miracle. She gives me faith, I don’t know in what exactly, but she does.”