NEW YORK—An arrest warrant was issued by US Magistrate Judge Ona T. Wang and executed in full at 0500 hours 03/17 for Canadian-Chinese national Jiang Xueqin under the espionage act. Xueqin, who styles himself as “Professor Jiang” is suspected of an ongoing disinformation operation on behalf of the Chinese Communist Party. Xueqin’s YouTube channel “Predictive History” claims over 2.4m subscribers and offers an alternative analysis of history in schoolroom lecture format.
Whilst some have praised him for his accurate predictions of President Donald Trump’s re-election and the outbreak of the Iran war, others have decried him as a conspiracy theorist making spurious connections between political trends and Gnostic occult.
Luis Rossello, spokesperson for the National Seucirty Division of the Department of Justice spoke with Chronicle, “we are declining to comment at this time regarding Jiang Xueqin’s suspected affiliations. However, FBI investigators have concluded that Xueqin has been involved in an effort to sabotage public discourse in the US on behalf of a malign actor.”
Despite the ambiguities, US Attorney General Pam Bondi made a direct allusion to the CCP in a Wednesday morning press briefing: “Jiang Xueqin’s communist well-poisoning has been on our radar for a while now. CCP dark money networks have funded anti-US propaganda for decades; Jiang has been identified as one of these recipients. It is critical that prosecutors nip this in the bud before it balloons to Joe Rogan levels.”
Bondi went into detail on the extent of the criminal complaint, “Professor Jiang’s M.O. follows textbook cult manipulation but with an academic twist. First he poses as teacher, but something’s out of the ordinary. Once dissenting voices filter out, that is when his indoctrination begins. Over the term, he gathers intelligence and passes it on to his sponsors. We don’t legislate against such activity outright as we believe religious freedom is an American right. What we did do is we found a pattern of this man leaning on foreigners to cite his theses. By doing so he artificially bumped his name up on the Google Scholar. We’re confident we can get him on forced labor charges, and maybe human trafficking to boot, a crime I know a whole lot about. We’ll do everything we can to nail this bastard![sic]”
Collaborator and understudy Nicholas Kenn “Sneako” De Balinthazy launched into a lengthy tirade on his Kick.com livestream: “This is bullshit man! Total bullshit,” he complained, “they’re trying to get the Professor for spying? Don’t they know the Chinese government already tried that back in 02? He’s one of us! How can we call ourselves the land of the free if we won’t let a Muslim or Chinaman get in on our way of life? The whole damn system is falling apart!”
Chronicle spoke with Cult Psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour who analyzed Xueqin’s technique,
“It’s the same old tried and true doomsday playbook. Get everyone on that eschaton tip like you had with Rajneeshpurem or the Manson Family, once Helter Skelter’s all anyone can think about that’s when you start peddling your own brand of new age spiritualism. Get them suckers eating out the palm of your hand like it’s the only way out. He claims the Monad is preparing a great feast for us? I heard the same thing from Bob Wilson in a game of water polo back in ’76. It’s nothing new.”
Xueqin is being held in maximum security at MCC New York and was unreachable for comment.
THE RESPECTED COMRADE JOSEF BIDEN IN HIS MESSAGE EXTENDED WARM CONGRATULATIONS ON BEHALF OF THE DRPK GOVERNMENT AND ALL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO GENERAL SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN OF THE DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S PARTY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA, THE US GOVERNMENT, AND THE FRATERNAL ORDER OF DEMOCRATIC NATIONALISTS ON THE YEAR OF HER ASCENT TO THE THRONE OF ETERNITY.
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