Finally, we have ignited Helter Skelter. Our inflammatory and hateful divisive attacks on black celebrities have brought about a race war of trolling never seen even on 4chan. Welcome to a NEW LOW, Internet! And each day, hundreds of thousands of you fools swarm upon the simulated death of your beloved AKON, LIL WAYNE, or WHITNEY HOUSTON, but NEVER Kanye West. We MAKE SO MUCH DAMN MONEY DOING THIS! Thems Chronicle boys’ a’paid by the government, I tells ya!'”
Yes, we knew it would come to this from the very first day the Internet Chronicle was founded. HELTER SKELTER! FINALLY!!!!
Charles Masnon was just another LULZ extremist just like us. Lulz! LUzl1! WE gonna hack your brains n’ control you litle fuxors ta DDoS teh Government!!!!
I wrote a letter to Charles Manson and asked him the best way to control people, and he said “It’s the Internet, dummy,” so I fed the internet a continuous dose of LSD. And lies.
Now the entire Internet is eating out of my hands, scrambling desperately for my sweet nectar of explanation. None of this makes sense, Anonymous is just destroying human rights. The 9/11 truthers are killing my GOD DAMN anti-war movement with their POISONOUS double false flag conspiracy.
Download this jpeg for instant and permanent protection from viruses, spyware, malware, and hackers!
On Friday, I obtained a digital copy of the Book of the SubGenius. I noticed, upon completion of the download, a definite increase in the computer’s performance. The dark spots in my monitor became the deep black of a $10,000 OLED display, providing me with infinite contrast. I knew this was some serious magick, the binary equivalent of a fullblooded Yeti’s DNA… or possibly the grocery list of “Bob.” I read the entire damn thing in one sitting, sucked into a tunnel-vision vortex which was, looking back, definitely my own subconscious practicing time control.
After reading the Book of the SubGenius, a giddying amount of Slack straight from “Bob” seemed to flow from my fingertips. My life finally had the importance which I had always programmed myself to ignore as some kind of delusion! Ah, but as I pulled the wool over my own eyes, rather than over the eyes of others, I saw, I mean really saw, for the first time in probably at least FIFTEEN lifetimes.
But the seriousness, the grave consequences, had not yet occurred to me. Even now, I’m writing this at extreme danger to my own personal well-being. Under the influence of way too much Slack, I told a Pink about my life-changing experience with “Bob.” BIG MISTAKE! I can’t pretend to know how the Conspiracy works, but I will tell you it works FAST. Pinks who had no way of knowing I had ever uttered the name of “Bob” were hitting me with thinly-veiled anti-SubGenius messages from everydirection. These Pinks smelled the emanations of Slack and wanted it all for themselves. Oh, the shit Pinks say when they think they can get a little slack off you.
“Oh, you’re joining a church?”
“Yeah, I’ve listened to DEVO before, too.”
“Aren’t you taking this joke a little seriously?”
“Don’t lose your journalistic OBJECTIVITY to this religion!”
Thank “Bob,” I have been ARMED TO THE TEETH with weapons to fight the Conspiracy, and I knew these attempts to drain away my Slack would come sometime. However, it was shocking how quickly and efficiently the Con caught on to me. It is a testament to how hungry Pinkboys are for Slack.
This "jpeg" actually "lured" me into a dangerous "cult"
Now, I will admit that I probably wouldn’t know about the SubGenius Church if it wasn’t for Reverend Magdalen, but the Con has worked up all sorts of strange ideas about her brainwashing me with sex. Some have even said I’m in love with her, or that she’s my muse! Well, as preposterous and PINK as these theories are, I will admit that any SubGenius is naturally going to be infinitely more lovable and overflow with more creativity than any Pink. But holy hell! Have you read how Magdalen fought tooth and nail to protect her family, as the entire might of the Conspiracy tried and failed to beat all the Slack and SubGenius out of her!? Obviously, these Pinks are projecting their own deeply suppressed feelings for Magdalen onto myself, but hey, Pinks will do that. And anyway, I guess I can’t really blame them.
“Hmmmm, I am worried about you Billy Goat….I could hear you breathing hard on the show, I guess you were sexting with Rev.M, and there is nothing wrong with that I suppose but sex and cults is a dangerous mix…just sayin’. I had not looked at your time in long time till last weekend and my women’s intuition told these two must be mind/cyberfucking. Yes it looks that obvious…”
Even now, the shocking power and blinding speed of the Conspiracy reveals itself, e-mailing me messages of how “obvious” my “cyberfucking” with Reverend Magdalen has become. And before I even published the “refutation!”
The Slack generated just by writing this will probably draw the Conspiracy Pinks even closer, if that is possible, but in the words of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, “Give me Slack or KILL ME!”
Wind Turbines can catch fire and kill all the ULTRA RARE piratebush found ONLY on Poor Mountain
I knew Old Man Charlie from the days of my youth on Poor Mountain. That old man mostly kept to himself, but when I’d see him walking around on the mountain, he’d talk my ear off. Charlie told a lot of stories, but the ones that always got him worked up the most were the stories of what he called “dem saclones.” Charlie spent a lot of time walking the ridge of Poor Mountain, just to pass the time, but I always liked to ask him about dem saclones.
From what the old man told me, I gathered that he had been experiencing some kind of ultra-rare meteorological phenomenon that may be unique to Poor Mountain. It’s hard for me to go into any detail, but Charlie described clouds quickly forming very close to the ground, twisting like a cyclone. Within the course of a few minutes, an extremely small area would be pelted with up to quarter-sized hail. Sometimes the hail would be smaller, and the affected area could be as large as a house or as small as a frisbee.
Honestly, I never believed that old man. After he died, I wondered a little about Charlie’s stories and eventually researched some information on the internet. I learned that it’s possible “dem saclones” were also called Microstorms. No one on the internet seemed to have seen these vicious kind of tornadic hail Microstorms, and I tried contacting a few meteorologists. None of them seemed to believe the stories from Charlie, and just said that Microstorms were not proven science. However, Poor Mountain surely has great importance as a possible meteorological oddity.
Poor Mountain is located in Roanoke, Virginia, and is currently under threat of industrial development for wind power. Help us, Anonymous. Hack our government into submission for Old Man Charlie and his crazy cyclones. They’re probably real, and when those wind turbines go up, the Microstorms may disappear forever. Have you ever seen what happens when a wind turbine gets pelted with an intense cyclone full of quarter-size hail? Mayhem. Pure mayhem is coming to Poor Mountain if this wind farm is approved. STOP THEM NOW.
