Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Donald Trump took to twitter Monday, tweetstorming fans “My very first executive order will END the chemtrailing across America. #MAGA”

Trump’s controversial tweets were deleted within an hour of posting.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, lead chemtrail engineer under Obama, told reporters, “Geoengineering with chemtrails is the only thing keeping away catastrophic climate change. Yes, it’s costly both to our health, government, and environment, but it’s better than failing farms and outright starvation.”

Trump also tweeted, “I will END autism in America by banning all vaccinations on my very first day in office.” The other day Trump’s transition team tapped famous anti-vaxxer Dr. Oz for Surgeon General.

Trump has critics fearing for their lives with his final tweet, “We have a very special surprise for THE MEDIA, CROOKED HILLARY, and ISIS! #MAGA” suggesting a crackdown on political opponents by associating them with terrorism. Previously, Trump has hinted at the return of internment camps for all Muslims and Mexicans, although this is the first hint that journalists and political opponents will be targets of his totalitarian takeover.

INTERNET — Donald Trump presented Vladimir Putin with a symbolic “reset button” as a gesture of restoration of friendly relations with Russia. After pressing the button at Trump’s tropical Mar-A-Lago resort, the pair grabbed rifles and rode off into Florida’s interior on a fan boat. Returning twelve hours later with twelve alligator corpses, Trump said, “Part of our deal is that Putin’s got to try out my golf course next time.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a nearly identical gesture in 2009, which was later proclaimed a horrible failure that only enabled the Russian invasion of Ukraine and the proliferation of advanced Russian weaponry in the middle east.

Donald Trump’s “reset button,” however, is seen as an entirely different gesture since it’s become clear that Russia’s recalcitrant foreign policies will only be encouraged in this manner. Geopolitical relationship counselor Dr. Angstrom Hubert Troubador told Internet Chronicle reporters, “Trump and Putin’s friendship seems unstable. They’re in that honeymoon stage that wears off so quickly, and it’s all founded on mutual interests that are, at best, momentary. They both hate Hillary, sure, but they also love her. Why else are they celebrating and mocking her efforts in this way? She’s the centerpiece of their relationship and it’s just weird and creepy at this point. I’d advise them to stop seeing each other and block one another’s accounts. Putin shouldn’t be reading Trump’s twitter account, either. That’s the only chance they have of ending things amicably at this point, in my professional opinion. It may be the only way to avert a nuclear war.”

INTERNET — After WikiLeaks quietly cancelled Julian Assange’s Ask Me Anything segment on Reddit, WikiLeaks backup spokesperson Sarah Harrison came forward with startling new hacks showing the inside of the Trump campaign. Harrison said nothing to dispel rumors that Assange has been murdered, but fans have begun mourning after hearing the shocking revelations.

The Trump campaign plans to annihilate over 99% of the world’s population on inauguration day. Billions around the world are sick with “the flu” as their bodies have absorbed the proper dose of non-fatal precursor chemicals spread through decades of worldwide chemtrailing. The final catalyst will be sprayed on inauguration day, turning the entire earth into a holocaust death chamber. Only a specially selected group of elites who have taken decades of antidotes will survive. These elites were selected equally from all races in order to ensure a healthy breeding population and avoid genetic sicknesses inherent in such a dramatic population bottleneck. The purpose of the population control chemtrail program is to avert unavoidable famines and cataclysmic nuclear wars that will come even with the most dramatic green energy initiatives and likely leave no survivors.

Analysts have pointed out the bitter irony that Trump publicly stands against racial diversity and green energy, keys to human survival, and that his victory in the presidential election justifies the policy of mass murder for the elites. Sarah Harrison told reporters, “From the point of view of the elites, you asked for this. You voted for this. We published, and now we’re damned.”