Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Donald Trump presented Vladimir Putin with a symbolic “reset button” as a gesture of restoration of friendly relations with Russia. After pressing the button at Trump’s tropical Mar-A-Lago resort, the pair grabbed rifles and rode off into Florida’s interior on a fan boat. Returning twelve hours later with twelve alligator corpses, Trump said, “Part of our deal is that Putin’s got to try out my golf course next time.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a nearly identical gesture in 2009, which was later proclaimed a horrible failure that only enabled the Russian invasion of Ukraine and the proliferation of advanced Russian weaponry in the middle east.

Donald Trump’s “reset button,” however, is seen as an entirely different gesture since it’s become clear that Russia’s recalcitrant foreign policies will only be encouraged in this manner. Geopolitical relationship counselor Dr. Angstrom Hubert Troubador told Internet Chronicle reporters, “Trump and Putin’s friendship seems unstable. They’re in that honeymoon stage that wears off so quickly, and it’s all founded on mutual interests that are, at best, momentary. They both hate Hillary, sure, but they also love her. Why else are they celebrating and mocking her efforts in this way? She’s the centerpiece of their relationship and it’s just weird and creepy at this point. I’d advise them to stop seeing each other and block one another’s accounts. Putin shouldn’t be reading Trump’s twitter account, either. That’s the only chance they have of ending things amicably at this point, in my professional opinion. It may be the only way to avert a nuclear war.”

INTERNET — After WikiLeaks quietly cancelled Julian Assange’s Ask Me Anything segment on Reddit, WikiLeaks backup spokesperson Sarah Harrison came forward with startling new hacks showing the inside of the Trump campaign. Harrison said nothing to dispel rumors that Assange has been murdered, but fans have begun mourning after hearing the shocking revelations.

The Trump campaign plans to annihilate over 99% of the world’s population on inauguration day. Billions around the world are sick with “the flu” as their bodies have absorbed the proper dose of non-fatal precursor chemicals spread through decades of worldwide chemtrailing. The final catalyst will be sprayed on inauguration day, turning the entire earth into a holocaust death chamber. Only a specially selected group of elites who have taken decades of antidotes will survive. These elites were selected equally from all races in order to ensure a healthy breeding population and avoid genetic sicknesses inherent in such a dramatic population bottleneck. The purpose of the population control chemtrail program is to avert unavoidable famines and cataclysmic nuclear wars that will come even with the most dramatic green energy initiatives and likely leave no survivors.

Analysts have pointed out the bitter irony that Trump publicly stands against racial diversity and green energy, keys to human survival, and that his victory in the presidential election justifies the policy of mass murder for the elites. Sarah Harrison told reporters, “From the point of view of the elites, you asked for this. You voted for this. We published, and now we’re damned.”

INTERNET — Banned Twitter bad boy & right wing homosexual Milo Yiannopoolis held a press conference to announce a reality TV show that will follow his tragic struggle with homosexuality in a grueling gay conversion camp. “I can’t promise that it’ll work, but I hope it does. I want to be cured before I fall victim to disease,” Yiannapoilis said, “But that’s not right. I — I keep forgetting. It’s a choice I’m making. Being gay is wrong.”

Weeping openly as he embraced Pastor Tom Stanley of the Nemelkist Church of Advanced God, Yiannapoulos said, “All this time I’ve been afraid of ISIS taking my freedom and faggotr– I can’t even…appreciate…” Trailing off for several seconds inaudibly, the internet star stared into his phone. Cutting off the pastor’s feeble attempt to break the silence, Milo announced, “To let everyone know I mean it, I’m ebaying my collection of buttplugs!” Photographers wildly jockeyed to get shots as he held up his phone to show that it wasn’t just a prank.

Representatives from Nemelka’s Gay Conversion Ranch were contacted by famed editor emeritus Ol’ Brutus, but they would not comment despite getting the business for over three hours straight. The Nemelkist web site advertises its conversion therapy in infinitely reaching superlatives, “The Nemelkist gay conversion camp uses the most Advanced methods available to science, philosophy, and religion ever devised in the entire history of the universe and through use of an app given to us by advanced human beings, living in the future, we can request incredible, instantaneous brain surgeries which will perfectly heal one’s entire personality upon demand. Nobody leaves without a certificate of Advanced Brain Surgery handed to him or her by the prophet Nemelka himself!”