Internet Chronicle

Michael Moore enlists in US Army as apology for American Sniper comments

Post author By Hatesec
Post date January 28, 2015
8 Comments on Michael Moore enlists in US Army as apology for American Sniper comments

"THIS IS MY TWITTER. THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT BUT THIS ONE IS MINE — Experts predict Moore could turn on his drill instructor in a Full Metal Jacket spectrum emotional breakdown, ending in a murder-suicide that will color the remaining plot of his 2015 buddy comedy.

Flint, Mich. — After calling American Sniper hero Chris Kyle a “coward,” and “a camping faggot,” US filmmaker Michael Moore issued a colossal apology in the form of his own enlistment in the armed forces.

“Not only should I not have said those things, I should not have a right to say them,” Moore explained in a tweet. “I understand there are limits to free speech. These people died so Seth Rogen and I could make movies.”

In a statement, Moore acknowledged that the American Army is the best in the world, adding that their fight for freedom has nothing to do with defense firm profits or the goals of arms manufacturers.

Because of his superior physique, commanding officers plan to fast-track Moore into an elite Navy Seal school, where he will learn how to become a master killer, and speak only when necessary.

“Semper Fi motherfuckers,” Moore stated. “I’m an infantryman, now. Bare bones. USA! USA!”

Tags chris kyle, michael moore

Politics

Mitt Romney cancels presidential bid to pursue dream of underage polygamy: GOV’T OFFICIAL SPEAKS OUT!

Post author By Hatesec
Post date January 25, 2015
5 Comments on Mitt Romney cancels presidential bid to pursue dream of underage polygamy: GOV’T OFFICIAL SPEAKS OUT!

Wow, Mitt Romney.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald Trump says “No way” Bush or Romney could win in 2016. Hillary Clinton says she’s already purchased the job. But none of that matters to would-be presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has informally announced to his staff he will step down from the 2016 presidential candidacy, one of his campaigners said Sunday. The 67-year-old businessman has decided to back out of the race because Americans “simply weren’t twisted enough” to elect a Mormon president.

Dr. Joseph Smith, Jr., who campaigned for more than 20 years with the former Mass. governor, said Romney intends to pursue a number of young women in his convent.

“Mitt has always struggled with his Mormonism,” Smith said. “After he realized Americans weren’t comfortable normalizing statutory rape – openly comfortable with it, anyway – he said presidency wasn’t for him.”

Although he narrowly lost a presidential campaign in 2012 to Ayatollah Hussein, Romney’s wealth quintupled after the elections, garnering the politician unspeakable social and religious power. Connections to the royal family have granted him unprecedented access to child sex slaves in England, and Mormon church leaders in America have turned their prayers to a higher power: Fervent pledges to the health and well-being of Mitt Romney are often accompanied by tithes of gold bullion, property, and even people.

“Mitt Romney wasn’t lying in 2012 when he said he has ‘binders full of women,'” Smith said. “He owns people. The reason I speak to your fine publication today is because I haven’t seen my daughter in 3 years, and I just learned she is scheduled to appear in a mass-wedding ceremony next month, to be married off to Romney. Considering she’s just 10 years old, I am starting to wonder if Mitt Romney’s power has gone to his head.”