Mel Gibson was abducted by ISIS early Tuesday morning.
SAN DIEGO—Friends say Mel Gibson disappeared late Monday night after taking a drive through southern California. Tuesday evening, a video purportedly appeared on YouTube showing Mel Gibson, bound and kneeling in front of an ISIS banner and wearing an orange tunic. The video was quickly removed from YouTube as it purportedly showed ISIS heavily mutilating the Mad Max 2: Road Warrior actor’s face.
Police say they have electronic evidence that Gibson’s phone traveled into Mexico shortly after the abduction. Chief Jeff Gorlin of the San Diego police told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Thanks to the NSA, we have strong evidence that Mel Gibson was taken to the hideout of a previously unknown ISIS sleeper cell somewhere on the Baja peninsula. We believe ISIS hired the infamous Zetas drug cartel to carry out the abduction and defeat our border security, but that’s all I can say right now.”
In Australia and the US, fans of Mel Gibson flooded the streets to hold public vigils and prayers. Pastor Ann Haliday of the Church of Christ in Salem, Utah, told reporters as her congregation gathered outside the local movie theater, “The Passion of the Christ is the only good movie America’s had in a century of moviemaking. God is watching over Mel Gibson, and we are praying for him.”
Fans mourn and celebrate the loss of Andrew ‘Weev’ Auernheimer who was found dead Monday Morning.
BEIRUT—The puffy, bruised corpse of Andrew Auernheimer, known to fans as ‘Weev’, was pulled out of a drainage channel in Beirut early Monday morning. He was last seen clubbing on a rooftop, huddled in a corner and laughing with a group of friends at his laptop Sunday evening before disappearing into the night.
Weev recently served two years in prison on false charges pressed by AT&T after exposing — and not creating — a gaping security hole in their iPhone network. Weev fled the US for Lebanon because he feared a legal loophole that would undo his constitutional protection against double jeopardy, and Lebanon does not extradite to the US. Telecom analyst and legal expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “When you are a persistent threat to a big corporation like that and they’ve exhausted all the legal methods at their disposal, that’s when they take out the cheap and dirty options, and it doesn’t matter where you run or hide.”
Many former supporters and friends of Weev grew enraged over the weekend after one of Auernheimer’s trademark inflammatory opinion pieces percolated through social media, finally revealing the actual truth behind his hard-right White Nationalist beliefs. Previously, supporters had smirked at what they considered Auernheimer’s magnificent trolling, but now they believe that he authentically holds views that they cannot reconcile with their personal brand of left activism. Laurie Penny, rising princess of British Feminism, said that she now perceived Weev was “Not a figurative fascist. An actual one.” Molly Crabapple, whose politically-charged artwork inspires revolution everywhere, said she “Misjudged sincere belief as trolling.” One of Crabapple’s prints, titled “#OpPornPixie” was found plastered to the wall just one block from Weev’s corpse, leading some to speculate that he was murdered by an outraged Molly Crabapple fan.
Rumors that Weev was collaborating with Islamofascists circulated over the weekend also, leading yet others to speculate that Weev was categorized as a terrorist and, meeting all the parameters for execution without trial, was beaten and killed by special agents from the US government. Dr. Troubador speculated, “No one will ever know who got to Weev because so many people were gunning for him, and they did what appears to be a typical, clean job.”
PYONGYANG—Petulant rumors percolating after reports by Western media outlets slandered benevolent North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, falsely suggest the glorious leader has been deposed by his own cabinet.
But accoding to official sources, this rumor is Western propaganda. “Kim Jong Un is very proud of the liberal DPRK landscape, where healthy, legal marijuana grows as freely as elections,” an anonymous official stated on the trusted DPRK news site.
This is the last known photograph of Kim Jong Un sitting upright. Kim, now bed-ridden, is gleefully addicted to massively multiplayer online role-playing games.
The Internet Chronicle is pleased to report that not only is Kim Jong Un in top health, his aides indicate the dictator is safe and in charge on a bed composed entirely of living people, enjoying the finest Swedish pharmaceutical products.
Sources close to the Supreme Leader said the media frenzy surrounding his whereabouts have deeply agitated him, driving him further into terrific madness.
“He gets so bummed out when his advisors say he has to trot out and keep the people excited,” said Cho Seung Whuey, personal guard to Kim Jong Un. “He’s like, ‘let me keep playing CoD guys,’ and ‘fuck this.’ But yeah, that’s where he’s been. Gaming off.”
Blizzard Entertainment, creators of the popular Diablo, Warcraft and StarCraft franchises, said they recently investigated growing bandwidth use tying up their servers and emanating from North Korea.
“[Kim Jong Un] is responsible for 100% of the country’s traffic to Blizzard, operating one of the largest guilds in World of Warcraft and decimating South Koreans in both Starcraft and Starcraft 2 under the username DearLeader007,” Edward Nomura, Blizzard’s spokesperson, said.
Kim Jong Un’s epic bedridden gaming binge has once again popularized the Jouse 3, a mouth-controlled advanced joystick-operated plug-and-play solution for quadriplegics, which Un ordered after doctors installed a heroin drip to soothe his bed sores.
An inspired Kim Un got the idea after witnessing the great success of twitch.tv streamer NoHandsKen, who plays MMORPGs using the Jouse 3.
“Now he can just lay there like a fucking invalid,” Whuey said, “and continue to level up.”
Whuey praised Great Leader’s efficiency. He said he routinely feeds Un Cokes while the dictator, connected to various tubes and monitors, lies practically motionless aside from his constantly twitching mouth.
“For a while we had him hooked up to feeding tubes and a catheter,” Whuey said. “He looked like Darth Vader. We thought it was really cool.”
But Whuey said the catheter offered Great Leader little in the way of sexual creativity.
“He was laying on a human bed afterall,” Whuey explained. “So I said, ‘Why not just plug your dick into one of those young girls from the villages? You spend all this time gaming out on the human bed, so why not enjoy a human catheter?”
“Every so often he will thrust his hips,” Whuey said, “And you can tell he sort of enjoys that, sort of half-banging that young lady, and using her as a toilet also.”
Some medical problems have arisen by no fault of the leader. The girl has begun to yellow from jaundice, Whuey said, and became sick from Un’s waste.
“She appears to be dying from an extremely preventable embolism,” he said. “It is the kind of thing that can be avoided under normal circumstances, but this was best for the country.”
Journalist and geopolitical expert Geraldo Rivera said the People’s Revolution and Juche Ideology did not fully disseminate into Un’s heightened consciousness, but was attenuated by generations of inbreeding.
“He’s a third generation dictator,” Rivera, who is a noteworthy detractor of the DPRK, said. “By the time you get that far it’s all a life of delusion.”
Nancy Grace has publicly condemned the dictator’s salacious lifestyle, saying his decadent fantasies-come-true are a distraction from world politics.
“If you ask me,” Grace said, “he probably spent too much time a-layin on that human bed and not enough watching his empire.”
