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World

Coca Cola says “Share a Coke with the Islamic State”

Coca Cola disseminated this piece of viral marketing along with a message of peace for the Islamic State.
If you can't find someone named Govert, there's always Isis.

BAGHDAD—Coca Cola issued its most provocative political message yet in a piece of viral marketing featuring a Coke labeled “Share a Coke with ISIS.”

Coca Cola disseminated this piece of viral marketing along with a message of peace for the Islamic State.

Coca Cola’s marketing director Jen Stamois said, “We aren’t endorsing terrorism or condemning the latest campaign to suppress the Islamic State. We simply want to share a Coke with ISIS because we think there’s always a chance for peace and goodwill towards all religions, if only for the few minutes we take every day to drink a refreshing Coke.”

Peace Activists, however, understood the advertising campaign as a message against the latest conflagration of Islamophobia and its purpose for the Military Industrial Complex.

Others, such as commenters on NPR’s Planet Money, instead calculated just how many smart bombs it will take to make a worthwhile return for defense investors.

However, Coke’s campaign to share their beverage with the Islamic State is not without boots on the ground. Armored convoys, provided by the private defense contractors at Blackwater (Academi) are distributing Coke and dodging IEDs in parts of Syria and Iraq taken by ISIS.

One convoy arrived at Mount Sinjar Sunday morning, providing the starving Yazidis with an endless stream of cheap Coca Cola.

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Sports

American footballer “very sorry” for whatever he did

Joe DeRouda's name appears throughout numerous flight logs.

Miami, Fla.—NFL Hall-of-Famer Joe DeRouda expressed remorse Saturday for his participation in a videotaped gang-rape which took place at the Miami Hilton during regular season.

A video leaked earlier this week depicts a man bearing DeRouda’s resemblance, hunched over his underage victim, savagely penetrating her every orifice, and shouting, “I bet $2,000 you ain’t never tasted no dick like Joe DeRouda’s!”

Later in the clip a man, who asked not to be named, claims he was honored to “rape with the best of them; that is, you, Joe DeRouda.”

“Jumpin’ Joe DeRouda was once famously credited with revolutionizing football with the invention of a power-play known as the “Blitzkrieg Anal-Gaper,” named for its ability to split a defensive line down the middle, leaving opponents incoherent and stunned.

DeRouda said his enthusiasm during the alleged intercourse, if it was in fact him, would have been “misplaced.” He said if he did participate in the group sex caught on film, then he did not know the girl was underage, and believed she was only pretending to have not yet learned how to read.

“She kept calling out for Daddy,” DeRouda said, “and I was like, ‘Bitch, Daddy right here.’”

DeRouda said raping children is not something he does regularly, and understands the league’s decision to bench him for the duration of the first game of next season.

NFL Hall-of-Famer “Jumpin” Joe DeRouda was unfortunately filmed raping a child.
NFL Hall-of-Famer “Jumpin” Joe DeRouda was unfortunately filmed raping a child.

“Other than this one single instance of gruesome rape – I know I looked comfortable, like I spin a lot of plates and this is just a piece of ass to get me from Houston to Baltimore, but it was really, really unfortunate it was caught on tape, out of context as it was – I have never done this any other time, when there wasn’t a camera in the room. And I know the NFL looks down on videotaped domestic violence, and I respect their choice to make me sit out a game or two until this blows over. The DeRouda Legacy has penetrated a lot more than just a child, though, and that’s a legacy that I know all my fans are gonna remember.”

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Reviews

Miley Cyrus enjoys groping of fans in latest performance

Miley Cyrus let fans grope her vaginal and anal areas, Thursday night in a performance in Atlanta.

ATLANTA—On stage Thursday night in Atlanta, Miley Cyrus let fans stroke gently at her vagina with only a thin layer of tight, sequinned cloth between their grasping fingers and her smooth labia. Authorities fined her tour company for this obscene display, but concerned mothers’ groups are outraged as the fine only amounted to $1,200.

Jenny Ronaldo, spokesperson for Concerned Christian Mothers, a sexual prudence organization, told reporters, “Maybe that’s an acceptable fine for strip clubs, as it keeps their shows from degrading into outright public whoring, but it does nothing to stop someone like Miley. $1200 is just not enough to keep her from doing this disgusting and obscene type of exhibition again and again.”

Earlier this year, Miley’s performance at the MTV Video Music Awards was met with controversy as she introduced suburbia to the urban dance known as twerking. Twerking is a dance where women present their anus and vagina, as if for penetration, while the fleshy parts of the legs are made to jiggle enticingly.

Millions of teenage girls brought twerking to their school dances, causing thousands of complaints and triggering concerns among parents all over the nation. Already, at least three school districts have issued warnings to students who, on Friday morning, emulated Miley’s on stage vaginal petting, causing massive disruptions in learning and at least one release of dangerous bodily fluids.