Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Engineer775 of the “Practical Prepper” youtube channel achieved Full “Off The Grid” status Sunday when he connected his homestead to a diesel generator cross-rigged into the woodgasificator on the back of his fully functioning wood-powered 1968 Ford truck.

“I know this looks like a crazy scene, but I got the truck runnin’ on wood, then I drove it over here, on wood. Hooked up the generator, got that runnin. Got that little meter here so I can tell what it’s doin’. And it’s still pretty good,” engineer775 said, as he tested woodgas to power his diesel generator for the first time. “The homestead’s off the grid, running on wood,” he declared.

Secretly acclaimed Wudao prophet Alrart, of Christchurch New Zealand, built a spacetime bus he called the “Tardus” with a similar power supply, an innovation which gave him full reign over any time and place in geological history with vegetable matter or liquid hydrocarbons present on the surface. Using copper rings arranged in resonancee with the earth’s torsion-field, Alrart is able to slip through time with the meager torsion field generated with his woodgas powered 1972 25 Kilowatt Onan 30 EK generator. Because of an effect called torsion fracturing, Alrart now exists in a universe which makes his return to this one forever impossible.

Torsion science, a secret tradition of the Wudao, successfully found the “unified field theory” at the beginning of the 20th century, after refuting the idea of a field. Instead, there is only torsion in an ever-self-contorting geometric object that on the very large scale resembles a point with no dimensions whatsoever. Wudao scientists believe that spacetime is actually shrinking, and it only appears to expand because of spacetime reversions (vacuum).

INTERNET —  A shocking new study by geologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador shows that great plains regions of the midwest will sink into an “oily” inland salt sea, submerging areas from Detroit to Denver within only a few decades.

Dr. Troubador explained his predictions, saying, “Several underground rivers which shed excess groundwater into the Mississippi basin have been disrupted by hydraulic fracturing operations and will, over the course of the next few years, flood the nation’s most important farming region with a salty sea topped with a rich rainbow oil sheen. Once the shattered land settles beneath the weight of the new sea, it may be up to a mile deep at some points. Tens of millions will be displaced, as one of the planet’s most important farming regions disappears like the ancient civilization of Atlantis.”

Erech Siegfried, a so-called emergency ‘prepper’, responded excitedly to Dr. Troubador’s predictions, saying, “I thought we’d have an oil crash disaster until I found out the huge increase in oil production from these new fracking operations. It bummed me out because I was afraid I’d done all that prepping for nothing, but now all my planning is justified! I just need to trade in some of my ammunition for a boat, like Kevin Costner had in waterworld. God, surviving this thing is going to rule.”

INTERNET — Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, thought lost over the South China Sea, was spotted on the ground at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. Witnesses saw “hooded figures” entering and exiting the plane, which glowed with an unearthly blue light.

Jeremy Sancrusty, a janitor at the airport, told reporters, “It didn’t take off or land. It just materialized in a blue flash. Then I saw hooded figures step off the plane, their faces all covered in shadows. Some more of them boarded, and with another flash the plane was gone. I think it was some kind of a teleportation technology and them people on it, I have no idea who they were. Didn’t look like aliens. Looked like some kind of secret religion to me. This is pure speculation, but maybe some religion out there’s incorporated all the beliefs of science and has leapfrogged over science itself.”

Expert in comparative mythology the occult, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said, “Mr. Sancrusty’s claims are in line with current understanding in my field. It is non-controversial that there is at least one occult tradition with far superior technology, possibly capable of teleportation and space travel. We don’t think they are in any way associated with the Illuminati, but are rather a similar organization from southeast asia known to some as the Wudao. Their influence around the world is tremendous, and I would not be at all surprised if they have already found Perfect Language, long sought in the west by hermetic traditions. Some call it the philosopher’s stone, or the holy grail. It is thought the powers and knowledge Perfect Language can bestow are limitless.”