Internet Chronicle

JERUSALEM — In what will surely be long remembered as the world’s greatest hacking exploit, Edward Snowden accessed God’s Gmail account through the use of PRISM. This comes on the heels of a bloody battle at the Dome of the Rock, where Vatican troops ousted Muslim invaders before Pope Francis declared Snowden Messiah. Earlier this week, Snowden released proof of Ultraterrestrial cities in the mantle of earth, HAARP assassinations, all-seeing SAURON spy satellites, and Muad’Dib’s Chemtrail Geoengineering.

God, according to documents released by Snowden, is a mechanic living in Cuthbert Georgia who goes by the name of Wilbur Mercer.

Snowden gleaned info from Mercer’s Gmail which allowed him to exploit a fundamental error in the laws of physics, giving him root access to Mercer’s system. Snowden quickly determined that our “universe” exists inside of a video game system which is owned and used by Mr. Mercer as a mere diversion from his more complicated world.

The press quickly descended on Mercer with questions about the real world. He responded angrily, “It’s hard to explain a universe with thirty seven dimensions to simulated people in a fake world with only eleven. Just leave me alone or I’ll restart the damn thing. I’m having a good time fixing cars and drinking shine, and I don’t care how this affects the meaning of your fake lives. The entire purpose of your universe is for me to get some kicks fixing cars. Now scram.”

Protesters who believed Mercer capable of also fixing the more profound problems of mankind gathered around his house but were quickly transformed into oak trees. Police in Cuthbert have issued a standing shoot-to-kill order for any pilgrims who seek to disturb God’s most important work. Mercer is currently restoring a ’57 Chevy.

MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden, the hacker who gained access to every secret corner of the Internet during his tenure at the NSA, has come forward with details of a classified project to alter the world’s climate. The shocking truth, as he says, is that chemtrails are part of a benevolent program aimed at countering global warming. By cooperating in secret with jet fuel manufacturers, government agents have carefully kept the massive chemtrail efforts completely under wraps. Snowden added, “I am only revealing this program because there is no oversight in the scientific community, no public discussion, and little concern for the side-effects which are well known only to a few privileged people interested in continuing the decades-long chemtrail program in secret.”

Because climate change is a threat to U.S. agriculture, it has been labeled a national security issue. With the influence and cooperation of Monsanto, a secret Geoengineering lab dubbed Muad’Dib has been operating since the late 1960s, and the chemtrail program is often referred to by insiders as its “crown jewel.” Muad’Dib has aimed to protect North America’s climate at all costs – even if that means accelerating desertification in Sub-Saharan Africa or spreading trace amounts of carcinogens over lightly populated areas. Other side effects, which scientists at the secret Muad’Dib Geoengineering Lab have predicted, include droughts in the Amazon and powerful windstorms along the East Coast.

Snowden shared decisive documents with The Internet Chronicle, but out of concern for national security, only his testimonial can be published. These documents contain references to scientists who would surely be targeted by foreign counterintelligence, and their knowledge is vital to short-term survival of the United States.

Snowden said, “If this program were to stop, the scientists behind it strongly believe that within just one year the North American climate would spiral out of control, and crop failures would lead to a series of devastating famines that would quickly depopulate urban centers.”

Because the program has been carried out on such a massive scale, skeptics might find Snowden’s story unbelievable. However, Snowden explained that the chemtrail program has been incredibly easy to hide, especially with the cooperation of jet fuel companies, a crucial part of the military-industrial complex. Snowden said, “The chemicals which are released by passenger airplanes have been covertly introduced as ‘additives,’ supposedly to improve efficiency. Only as the plane reaches cruising velocity does the heat and atmospheric pressure cause a chemical reaction that synthesizes the top secret carbon-trapping molecule. This process is imperfect, and many of the by-products are incredibly dangerous even in trace quantities. The most dangerous thing is that although chemtrails are keeping the climate of the U.S. reasonably stable, citizens are bombarded every day with an invisible rain of carbon-laden molecules, and the effect on health is totally unknown.”