Categories
Hate

Kim Dotcom is just another white collar 1% criminal

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Federal agents have come down hard on Megaupload, seizing every little bit of property they can get their grubby fed hands  on. Anonymous has unleashed the floodgates of cyberhell, causing its collective consciousness to go into a raging seizure, lashing out at anything and everything that moves. DDoS attacks on three letter government web servers have been the major response, but the latest victim, CBS, was temporarily deleted. These attacks, dubbed #OpMegaUpload, come in the wake of the internet’s defining moment of activism, in which Wikipedia and Google participated in a blackout to spread awareness about the Stop Online Piracy Act.

What Anonymous hasn’t looked into, however, is the man they are defending. Kim Dotcom, owner of Megaupload, is an obese multimillionaire and also the world’s top player of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. He has such incredibly bad taste that he fills his front yard with life-size statues of giraffes. Both bad taste and insane amounts of for-profit piracy are completely forgivable, and should not be held against Kim Dotcom. Editor’s note: I’m going to miss watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on MegaVideo, knowing that the ad revenue is buying some fat hick the ultimate lawn ornament arrangement.

Kim Dotcom is not just guilty of crimes we all agree with, but he has also participated in some very typically 1% criminal behavior we must condemn. In 2002, Kim Dotcom was found guilty of the largest insider trading scandal in German history. Kim flooded some company’s stocks with a bunch of money, promising investors the company would turn around. Once the stocks surged from this news, the fat man sold everything, robbing everyone blind. Like a little 1% bitch, he fled to Thailand, where the feds promptly caught up to him. Dotcom was given a slap on the wrists and a small fine for an abusively rich man. Kim’s recent arrest required police to cut open the safe room in his gigantic mansion, where he was found playing Call of Duty and masturbating to the thought of how he was so rich the cops couldn’t even arrest him.

Copyright infringement has become somehow more menacing to twisted world authorities than insider trading. On one hand, a person who abuses their wealth to indirectly steal millions from investors is punishable by a 100,000 euro fine and 20 months in prison. On the other hand, copyright infringement will result in this same person’s entire fortune being forfeit and will put his ass in the American gulag for decades. Despite this glaring injustice, the opinion of the author remains steadfast. Kim Dotcom deserves this punishment, even if it is for all the wrong reasons.

Categories
Special Interest Sports

Kilgore Trout whiteknights awesome Chronicle troll-action

In a damaging blow to what might have otherwise been a fruitful trolling endeavor, chronicle.su editor Kilgore Trout trolled his own news agency by warning would-be writing contest participants that the whole thing is an utter scam. Terrible author Frank Mason countered with undue name-calling followed by a dense string of offline gravity bong hits to the face.

“It was worse than anything I’ve ever seen,” said a frowning Joanna Mason, Frank’s mother in Fairfax, Virginia. “He was so high. So happy.”

Mason was not available to comment but wrote Saturday, “I don’t give a flying fuck what you say, it’s going to be really funny when someone tries to write another unintelligible centerpiece about an orgy of world leaders atop President Obama’s stinky sock collection. Rooting around in his dirty fucking socks, Bill.”

The writing contest would have entrants reporting on an alleged plethora of simultaneous sex acts, all taking place on a pile of unwashed clothes previously worn by the President during the exact moment in which he lied to American citizens. “But beyond that,” Mason clarified, “You are free to write anything you wish, adding what you like.”

Chronicle writer Frank Mason
Frank Mason, terrible author

Trout’s white knight leak is an attempt to limit the overall “collateral damage” of chronicle.su as she recklessly tears through the internet in the name of good comedy, lest she incur yet another case in a myriad of legal axes threatening to drop. By calling attention to Mason’s attempt at baiting bad writers into ridicule, Trout may possibly have prevented another lawsuit.

“Mason maintains all the ethical practices of a trapdoor spider,” he explained. “Oh, he’s a charming young man. Sure. And he’s good at videogames. But he is ugly inside. Inside, Frank is a venomous snake.”

Mason conceded, “At any moment, authorities could intervene . . . and the next thing you know we’re embroiled in a seven year legal battle with someone over use of . . . his face on the end of a penis.” Frank put one hand on his forehead, and looked up at the ceiling. For almost a minute, Mason posed in the lamplight, thinking. At last, he finally said, “Maybe we should just say somebody died. Somebody white this time.”

As of Saturday evening, participation in Mason’s contest is virtually nonexistent.

Categories
News

Julian Assange weighs in as Anonymous lashes out at leadership within U.S. Department of Justice

Anonymous has long been “infiltrated” by the Department of Homeland Security, whose job it is to instigate irrational, retaliatory actions within the Anonymous collective; however, the cyberwar took a giant leap forward Friday during #OPMegaUpload when Anonymous attacked the Department of Justice website, turning on what many believe to be its own leadership. Also amid the attacks are Universal Music, who once encouraged the very same file sharing tactics they now wish to charge people with using.

The root of Friday night’s story is the person(s) in control of the LOIC botnet effectively betrayed all politically active anons involved in deliberations and general IRC channels, handing their identities directly over to the federal government. In a long campaign against online anonymity, attacking the Department of Justice website “as a means of protest” is a strategic political move (on behalf of the United States Government) which appears on the surface to protest SOPA while in fact falling in line with larger plan to constrict freedom of the Internet on the whole.

When Rolling Stone magazine questioned Julian Assange about Anonymous, possibly his largest group of supporters, he said,We were involved with Anonymous from 2008. They were providing us with material related to our investigations into abuses by the Church of Scientology. It was a young pranksterish Internet culture, not something at all to be taken seriously.”

How a conspiracy theory became reality

Among anons, the rationale is as follows: (1) a major part of the collective implicates you in a LOIC attack on the DoJ website using malicious software inadvertently downloaded by a relatively large group of anons who were, unfortunately, tricked into visiting an unsafe web address address, automatically linking them into the botnet. (2) The botnet strikes, leaving your IP address on the long list of attackers involved, which, (3) signals your involvement with anonymous collectives to the authorities who simply go down the list subpoenaing the corresponding ISPs for later prosecution “at-will.”

In almost all previous cases – the LOIC attacks on PayPal and Mastercard, for example – your identity was handed over for prosecution to authorities if you were in the top 1,000 participants of the DDoS attack on their website, since government resources are not unlimited. But in this case, the identities of anons were handed directly to the government, logged by government machines for safekeeping and a few thousand anons’ names just got added to an already long list of domestic surveillance subjects. Worse yet, these are innocent bystanders who did not volunteer to participate in a DDoS attack, but were implemented anyway.

You hear that? Shh. They’re listening in now. On you, this time.

Julian Assange is waiting for the freedom to operate which may never come back in his lifetime, because “In relation to the United States, we’ll have to wait for the revolution.” Inside Anonymous, an all-too familiar feeling is sinking in as hundreds, if not thousands, of people sit at home waiting to be arrested. DDoS attacks, while somewhat useful for sending a message, are becoming widely recognized as the blunted tool of their own eventual demise.

Advice from Assange

“I have a lot of sympathy for journalists who are trying to protect their sources. [ Remaining anonymous is ] very hard now. Unless you’re an electronic-surveillance expert or you have frequent contact with one, you must stay off the Net and mobile phones. You really have to just use the old techniques, paper and whispering in people’s ears. Leave your mobile phones behind. Don’t turn them off, but tell your source to leave electronic devices in their offices. We are now in a situation where countries are recording billions of hours of conversations, and proudly proclaiming that you don’t have to select which telephone call you’re intercepting, because you intercept every telephone call.”

Julian Assange