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Religion

Twitch streamer ‘Niki’ excommunicated by Catholic Church

Archbishop Cardinal Fairchild was enraged, Wednesday, as he condemned a twitch streamer giving mock confessionals.

INTERNET — Archbishop Cardinal Scotty Fairchild held a press conference Wednesday at The Holy Name of Mary Cathedral in Austin, Texas, denouncing and ultimately excommunicating Twitch streamer ‘Niki’, after a ‘confessional’ call-in segment went viral on the video sharing app TikTok.

Sweating and disheveled, The Archbishop clenched his fists in anger and ranted, “Nuns have never been permitted to give confessions, for exactly all the reasons I saw on her sick videos,” Fairchild told reporters. “Even worse, in broadcasting these confessionals, she violated it’s sacred confidentiality.”

“It’s not a usual step, I’ll admit,” the Archbishop said, “But I’m banning all members of the church in Texas from watching Niki’s streams. It’s vile, bestial pornography. Satan, the great deceiver, is speaking through her lips. It is as if she is as bad as Eve, eating the fruit of sin all over again!”

Several of Niki’s fans were spotted protesting at The Holy Name of Mary Cathedral after Wednesday’s announcement. Longtime fan Jeff Turnbuckle, of Oklahoma City, drove six hours to participate in the protest and told reporters, “Now I’m not a religious man, but Niki’s growth as a streamer over the past year is nothing short of a miracle. She gives me faith, I don’t know in what exactly, but she does.”

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Uncontrollable Patriotism

Kyle Rittenhouse launches private security company

INTERNET — Kyle Rittenhouse is cashing in on the media frenzy surrounding his murder trial, using the free publicity as a springboard to launch his own private security company.

The newly created company, Rittenhouse Security, is based around the idea of using legal loopholes to leverage lethal force on political enemies. In a brazen ad campaign, Rittenhouse Security promised “Dead libs or your money back.”

Hire Rittenhouse Security next time the libs come to town! By skimping on standard riot gear, we put our lives in danger, thus allowing us to use lethal force under Wisconsin state Facebook law. Don’t just protect your property, use it as bait to exterminate the libs! They’ve failed in life, have criminal backgrounds, and so do not deserve life. Take it away from them by calling us now. Dead libs or your money back.

By hiring untrained minors at minimum wage, equipped only with bargain-build AR-15s, Rittenhouse security hopes to undercut all other security business models. Professionals in the security industry registered mixed opinions, after the announcement on Saturday.

“This could be the big paradigm shift, the disruption that the security industry needs to move into the 21st century. Who says all that less-lethal gear and training is a good thing?” said Pat Barber, security guard at the Oklahoma City parking garage. “Hell, I’d take a pay cut if it meant I got to carry a gun like that. Sure, I’d work for Rittenhouse.”

Other industry professionals are more skeptical. Larry Garfield, riot control officer for Portland, Oregon said, “If we started working security along those lines, it wouldn’t last. They’ll wind up paying out the ass for legal expenses with all the murder trials, health insurance for all the PTSD. I just don’t think it will work out, financially.”

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Categories
Entertainment Special Interest

Anonymous Hackers reveal demonic human sacrifice at Babylon Bee office Halloween Party

INTERNET – Wednesday, the hacker collective Anonymous unveiled documents and video footage from inside the offices of the conservative satire website The Babylon Bee. Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann was photographed in costume as Hunter Biden, snorting cocaine and smoking crack while exposing himself to staff.

“We can get away with it, because people will just think it’s props, that it’s fake, because we’re a comedy web site. Normal security measures do not apply,” Mann reasoned, in an e-mail memo distributed to staff. “Our readers will forgive us for anything. They love us.”

But crack cocaine was not all that was on the menu for the Halloween party at The Babylon Bee. “Look at me, I’m a Biden. I’m a Clinton!” Mann exclaimed, compulsively licking at his mouth, and producing a sack of pineal glands. “I can eat them straight, just like Hillary.”

Mann put the bag to his mouth, sucking in so many of the adrenochrome containing “soul” glands that he choked and spilled the extra glands all over the floor. The writers dove at the leftover glands like greedy pigs, biting at one another and fighting over every last drop of fluids while their editor-in-chief began to convulse, draped over his desk.

An excerpt from an e-mail between Jeff Rice, Babylon Bee writer, and his wife, explained the depraved scene at their demonic Halloween Party.

“When the wild high of the pineal gland feeding frenzy broke, I noticed Kyle convulsing and I was afraid he’d gone the way of Hillary. I mean they obviously weren’t first-world indigo children pineal glands, but he doesn’t usually indulge like this either. I’ve never seen him eat so many like that. It used to be even the Clintons would eat just a few, cooked on a pizza, but now even an editor of some joke web site is suckin’ them down like oysters, fillin his whole stomach with ’em. That’s the real story on Corona they don’t want you to know. It’s a soul harvest. No problem in the pineal gland supply chain, this year.”

No charges have been filed, and after contacting the Jupiter, Florida Sheriff, the Internet Chronicle received a nasty message saying that “You globohomo Anonymous freaks can tear the pineal glands out of our cold dead hands!”