News Special Interest

The New Shit (part 2)

Welcome to June.

OK, we’re going to tell you the lie Lebal Drocer doesn’t want you to know. Contrary to popular belief, not a single staff writer here at the Times has yet died of an overdose of any sort. It has been one month since we updated the site; yeah, no shit, whatever, you don’t pay to read it so fuck off. The heroin advert has cobwebs in it. This is because we built a new website and are in the process of loading that fucker down with enough thought-provoking content to make your pseudo-intellectual coke dealer jealous. It has been our dirty little secret. The Elf Wax Times is still your source for all things fulfilling and true, and will continue down that path, by the will of Jesco White with Noam Chomsky’s blessing. That being said, The Elf Wax Times will continue to be the only place you’ll be able to read the dancing outlaw’s name in the same sentence as the world’s most renowned linguistics expert.

The New Shit

Dubbed project overmind, The Elf Wax Times staff writers (and other sexy people) have set out to code and construct an authentic truth-hole backed up with research, statistics, figures, news and quotes from the scum you know and love (and elected). If The Elf Wax Times has been, up to this point, a black hole in ideology, then consider project overmind the white hole, out of which new reason spawns the modern essence of thought – our most up-to-date evolution of the age-old concepts of peace, space travel, free love and the snarling nuclear war machine. We are young people, writing for young people. The Elf Wax Times makes fifty people laugh every day, and disappoints at twice that rate. Which means we, as writers, are worth exponentially more than each and every one of you, to the power of at least 5; some of you to the power of 6. To put that into perspective, our narcissism has its own Facebook page.

Now enjoy this contradictory letter from the editor

Your Elf Wax Times staff writers have not updated this festering bacteria hive for exactly one month – that much is almost as obvious as the fact you people are more concerned with Miley Cyrus’ sexting pics than what we write. Jerk off while you’re here, by all means. Just know you’re bettering the literary community as a whole simply by masturbating with that Elf Wax Times flair because with every furious pump, you’re selling up to a half dozen copies of our book. However, as you may have already suspected, there’s a good reason we didn’t update The Elf Wax Times this month. I’ll be perfectly honest with you: one of our writers gave his job to Thadeus Heathcoat who subsequently died from a fatal injection while celebrating the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and its adverse effects on British Petroleum. Instead of heroin, our writer was injecting pure crude oil, skimmed off the surface of the water for independent study by journalists and scientists – which here at the Times are one in the same. Thadeus is known to grind up and inject stories straight into his bloodstream for writingtific research. Fortunately, every story we ever assigned him to was heroin, so he enjoyed his job and the convenience of knowing whatever we paid him to inject was nothing short of pure consciousness expansion. It is for this half-assed reason the editing staff feels compelled to accept greater than or equal to half of the blame for the death of our most beloved writer, who in the end taught us we never cared for him to begin with when two weeks passed and nobody noticed he’d gone missing.

In other news

Sherie’s Place: I’m sad to see you go. You sold Elf Wax Times staff all its bongs, pipes, screens and incense for years. Where will we buy our paraphernalia now?

A message from our sponsor:

Does it burn when you pee? Just remember: It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting! That’s a spicy STD! You must have fucked a real slutty broad. Fuck more, for Lebal Drocer. “She’ll scream Third Degree Incorporated!”

I know some people who are passing it around to each other right now – VD of the mind. If an idea is a virus, then ignorance is a plague. Pass it on. Lebal Drocer’s got your back. No, seriously. Turn your back on us. Just for a second.


Heroin solves life's problems

Even homemakers shoot heroin!ARE YOU finding yourself with a really good job and money to spend on shit? Get out of that rut with heroin!

Heroin offers all life’s problems one singular solution: heroin addiction. It’s like opium, but better.

Sometimes when you’re feeling low, just lost a job, or failed to abort, you have to do something about your situation. That’s why I, Thadeus Heathcoat, have come to Elf Wax to tell you about a miracle breakthrough in escapism: HEROIN.

Heroin has helped me overcome many problems in my life, and it can help you, too. I’ve dodged responsibility, jury duty, probation hearings, even bullets thanks to my commitment to heroin, and its dedication to me.

Heroin even helps me escape my one last problem, heroin.

“Okay Thadeus, how can I do heroin?”

Whoa! Slow down there, cowboy. You can’t inject heroin if you don’t have any! First you gotta score some junk. No money? No problem! Rob people! Too lazy? Steal from your friends.

With cash in hand, hit up that friend from high school who’s been to jail a few times. Maybe he’s even stolen from you in the past. Don’t hold a grudge; he just needed heroin. And so do you!

After he connects you to the coolest of cool Lebal Drocer Pharmaceutical technicians, ask your friend if he has a needle you can share. If you’re unsure what to cook and stick where, just ask! Friends don’t let friends waste good horse!

Ride the black horse to glory with Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.
Gotta problem? Inject a solution.

Open Letter to Danny Gilmore

Assemblyman Danny Gilmore poses with a slave
Assemblyman Danny Gilmore is seen here posing with his favorite slave, "Toubab"

Hanford, Ca.–Recently, The Elf Wax Times took it upon themselves to write an open letter to Danny Gilmore, who was quoted by the Los Angeles Times saying what we’ve all heard a thousand times before – “LEGALIZE POT! WHAT’S NEXT, HEROIN!?” He said this to reporters in response to the recent marijuana legalization bill approved by an important Assembly committee and scheduled to hit the Legislature by next year. Because you people are lazy and willing to roll over for any politician who wears a flag pendant and a shit-eating grin on his face, we took it upon ourselves to write him a letter – well not even a letter, but a short note – calling him out on his bullshit.

The L.A. Times reads:

The anticipated revenue would not be worth the grief the bill would cause, said Assemblyman Danny Gilmore (R-Hanford), a former assistant chief with the California Highway Patrol.

“We’re going to legalize marijuana, we’re going to tax it and then we’re going to educate our kids about the harm of drugs. You’ve got to be kidding me,” Gilmore said. “What’s next? Are we going to legalize methamphetamines, cocaine?”

Needless to say, we aren’t dumbfounded to find that even in the year 2010 this argument is still being championed by a former Highway Patrolman. But it should be noted that Danny Gilmore, and anybody else willing to hide behind this “argument,” is stunningly full of shit. So we felt he needed to hear from the voice of reason for once. We carefully wrote him a letter, even though he’s not our representative. Oops, it failed the first time. We had to change the zip code because there is no publicly listed email address for his office. The only people who can contact him digitally are his “constituents,” or as you might better know them, the people he lies to in order to gain votes. So we Googled the zip code for Hanford, just South of Fresno, California, entered it in, and the letter got to him. What a security measure!

Editor’s note:

It should be noted that we are a satire site, and as such it is not our job to write this kind of material in a serious fashion. It is our actual belief that Democracy in America never existed and that our Republic is broken and corrupted beyond functionality. The purpose of this letter is not some contrived “Democracy in action” horseshit off a PBS special and we certainly don’t expect to maintain any kind of open dialog with a politician [anybody who believes such a thing exists needs to get real]. This is simply pure, condensed hatred and we don’t actually expect to change anything because we are more realistic than that.

Our letter reads:

When you said this, were you on cocaine? Why would you obscure logic and reason when your state is being hit the hardest by the economic recession when faced with an opportunity to boost revenue for your sucky little district and all others around you? Are you afraid the pharmaceutical companies will stop paying you to lie and scare the public into downvoting progress toward freedom of personal choice with regard to our own f*cking minds?

You are worse than the Mexican cartel who kills people over the marijuana you hope to keep criminalized – to ensure more death and anguish across your own evaporating state, where you know it’s being grown. Let’s see, “Grief,” you say? Let’s talk about grief, you scum. I grieve for your existence. I wish that more people paid attention to the stupid trash that pours out of your mouth so that we could vote you out of office and vote up progress.

Get bent, sir.

Needless to say, our letter was ignored, however we still felt it necessary to censor out the word “fucking” because anybody stupid enough to group marijuana together with meth and coke, or propagate such ignorance, is obviously a Christian, and we didn’t want to offend him.

But seriously. He needs to get fucked, who’s with us on that? To all those people who have been cutting Democrats’ propane tank lines and making death threats over health care [irony, anyone?]…kindly look to the West and see if a better target isn’t waiting for you – or how about the leaders who voted us into war? Nobody’s cutting their brake lines and threatening their family members, and they’re sending your loved ones off to die in the fucking desert at the hands of glassy-eyed killers in the name of the same fucking God who supposedly created us all.

Get a grip, America. Smoke a joint and see if that helps. Need some? I hear you can find dank weed in California, along with PCP and methamphetamines, which are basically all the same thing.