Elf Wax Times: Demographic Research

PLEASE IGNORE THIS MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR:

Afkin
My only regret is that I did not hold CTRL+V any longer

okay that’s more like it.

this fucking thing doesn’t work but every so often when it wants to. okay, folks the elf wax times software is breaking down, like our minds. Would you like a new layout? There’s shit we can’t tell you about this site – horrible vulnerabilities that would bottom this piece of shit out if only you knew how to exploit them. But you don’t because you’re a n00b!

It’s becoming harder to manage, and easier to fuck up. Some of the links have stopped working for reasons we don’t care to fix. I don’t care, do you care? Nobody cares. That’s because you’re the kind of fans who would rather jerk your wrinked-up little cocks to Miley Montana than post a comment. And that’s cool.

But what I’m really disturbed to see is that fewer of you are finding The Elf Wax Times by way of “Miley fucks her father” through our good friends at google, better known as the world’s most efficient child pornography torrent finder dot com.

So for the last time (lol jk), we have offered you a beacon of sex googling where the real joke is on your own erection. So be it. You laughed, didn’t you?

Waynesville, N.C.–Good God, what have we created? Readers discover the humor found in this site the same way I discovered adult humor myself, as a small child.

I was a five year old boy, hanging out in the garage, “working” on cars with my Papaw. More like eating caramels in front of a heater on an old ripped-up carseat, but you get what I’m saying. Anyway, he was busy working on something and I got tired of drawing Model Ts and Model As (if ya know what I mean) so I started digging around through some boxes that turned out to belong to my uncle Randy. Man. I hope one day I get to write a book about THAT guy. He’s really something.

Anyway, I find these old porno mags, you know Playboy and whatever else, but there was also Hustler – where the bitches are laid out all spread-eagle spreading their pink so you can practice being a gynecologist in the privacy of your own bathroom. “Holy shit!” I thought. “This is what they have been hiding from me all these years.” I ran with the books to my bedroom, then into my bathroom and touched my weiner to the pages, thinking this is what sex was (it was not as satisfying as I’d hoped), as I took note of a woman able to lick her own genitalia. After numerous failed attempts to do the same, I just sort of continued to rub my weiner all over the pages, because that felt best out of anything. WHAT? I mean, I didn’t know how to jerk off, what was I supposed to do?

In my quest to discover which page felt best rubbed against my weiner, I was fascinated to discover a comic, drawn inside a circle like that failure of a comic you might mistakenly hope to be entertaining and read every couple of years called “The Family Circus.” And what a family this was! It was a girl sucking what the caption would have me believe was her brother’s dick on the front porch while their father stood in the open doorway, pointing her like a dog toward the back of the trailer and yelling a vowel that looked like “eggs.”

“This is what girls are for,” I thought, and stopped rubbing my junk all over the pages. I took immediate comfort in knowing I had used the magazine incorrectly, and that my uncle probably hadn’t pressed his junk against this magazine at all. But in this moment a new realization hits me. What DID hit the pages?

So, I want to know, is that how you guys feel after reading The Elf Wax Times?

Yes, we can acknowledge The Elf Wax Times is just a dick joke you didn’t hope to find while searching for the glory hole nearest you.

actual elf wax related searches include:

1. sexting
2. carl sagan weed
3. sexting pics
4. elf wax

Yes, elf wax is fourth.

5. lesbians

rofl

6-10 are variants on elf wax times, and many others are either not so funny or repetitive..

15. blowojob party
16. butt hole
19. daughter fucks dad
20. elf fuck
21. elf rape
22. glory holes in virginia
25. miley cyrus sexting
26. my daughters a whore
27. nc blowjob law

which, interestingly enough, can be found on elf wax times

28. nick jonas sexting

(he is rumored to have sexted w/ miley cyrus which means it really happened and must exist on the internet somewhere, google)

30. roanoke va whores

and so on. there are hundreds upon hundreds of these, so here are some of our favorites:

Miley Cyrus Upskirts For All.

Billy Rape Cyrus joins callgirl daughter for on-stage duet about the dangers of sexting.

Los Angeles, Calif.–Billy Ray said sexting between family members is not considered incest and proposed the idea of legalizing child porn. He said it would “aid in the promotion” of his daughter’s newly famous crotch shots that got that guy in a lot of trouble.
Miley Cyrus gave the go ahead on sales of the photo when she realized she could no longer get by on her jailbait status alone.
Stay tuned for more details on the rapid decline of the Cyrus family country music sex dynasty as November 23 approaches.

miley cyrus upskirt gives hope to whores
miley cyrus goes on the record to demonstrate the awesome dangers of sexting, and of growing up with a pimp for a daddy, who himself is a whore
billy-ray-cyrus-hate
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Mel Gibson joins with ex-Rage members

Mel Gibson’s latest abusive rant reached a level of intensity so extreme that musician Tom Morello contacted him, seeking a vocalist who won’t pussy out like Chris Cornell. After dropping Cornell the band reformed to rage for the machine, rather than against it. There has been disagreement between de la Rocha and the band since. Tom Morello has recently commented that the band has “lost their piss,” and “[we] need some real, genuine anger.” For years, Rage has been in search of someone who could match the intensity of Zach de la Rocha, and according to Tom Morello, “we only let him back in the band for the money.” Mel Gibson is set to replace Zach de la Rocha in Rage’s upcoming tour promoting their newest album, Domestic Abuse. Elf Wax was able to contact Mel, but his only comments were shouted antisemitic slurs targeting “that dirty jew de la Rocha and his disgusting fucking hair. FUCK!”

Elf Wax has exclusive rights to Mel Gibson’s first single off of his new album, “Blow me, Bitch.”

Blow Me, Bitch

[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/Blow-Me-Bitch12.mp3|titles=Blow Me, Bitch]

All things are pure and beautiful

The beach, Fla.–The NOAA (Nodworthy Organic Assholes Association) said Gulf seafood so far is “safe to eat,” adding, “it contains no less oil than your average meal from Long John Silver’s.”

Long John Silver's food is being used as dispersant following public outcry
Long John Silver's food is being used as a recyclable dispersant following public outcry

According to a federal agency inspecting varying species caught on the oil fringes yesterday, everything is safe to eat. They wouldn’t lie. It’s a government agency.

According to expert scientists, fish are beginning to contaminate the Gulf of Oil, polluting and removing the crude oil from the waters by selfishly absorbing it into their bodies.

The federal government has closed off over eighty thousand square miles of fishing waters, making all fishable fish safe to eat.

FUCK YOU

Fuck you is the name of this document.

If a solar flare hit the earth right now, scorching everything and everyone instantly – if I had the time, I would look to the sky and thank God for smoking this human virus.

It is directed at YOU.

You will not control my fucking thoughts any longer. You will not touch me. You will not know me.

I just sat in PISS. And I don’t give a fuck! Actually sitting in piss right now beats the hell out of what I have been doing for the last two and a half years.

so the reason we live is the reason we die and the reason we die is because there’s no better answer.

and the reason you cry is the reason you lie and you’re a socialite egomaniacal emotional cancer.

and the reasons for the sky is blue and all that you knew that grew and spew forth like volcanic disease

is to please your man, please him so well that you knew nothing more than his love you abused on his knees.

oh yeah you’re a worthless whore that knew nothing more than the blasted motherfucker who took you away

from your own inner pain for a short term gain of about a thousand micrometers of your soul’s dilution, per se.

Motherfucker can’t you see what you’re doing to me can’t you be what you claimed as natural as the grass and the trees.

The problem with having sex with strangers is that you don’t give a shit about their kids.

“Oh, you have kids? Fuck your kids.” Unlike normal kids, you learn to HATE the kids who belong to your pussy.

I fucked this broad who had kids and I was so god damn wasted that I thought, ‘FUCK THE CHILDREN’ – I was fucking wasted, but instead of tripping over her childrens’ toys in the dark, what did I do? I KICKED THAT SHIT OUT OF MY WAY because I’m better than your fucking accidents!

The President of the United States of America

I know this guy was fucking some broad with kids and the kid came in and slapped him on the ass while they were fucking. Kid didn’t know any better. My guy didn’t care. Nobody gave a fuck! That’s how inconsequential a kid really is. Kids are useless. So stop having them.

I am better than you, your mom, your worthless coke-sucking daddy and your child support checks from McDonald’s whose worth I shit into a toilet every day and wipe my ass with!

“What’s this child support all over my asshole? I better wipe more.”

Fuck is the best word ever. It’s better than your children’s father, it’s better than you, it’s better than Christmas.

Do you want to fuck?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Well some fucking body’s gotta fuck you, who’s the fuck?

Fuck that guy!

Retarded people is who I’m talking about. Retarded people are better than you, better than you wasting your fucking time, wasting mine, wasting our money and efforts. Do you know what alcohol even does to you? Motherfucker, you’re going to get cancer and die, just like all of us. We’re all gonna die! DONT’ YOU FUCKING GET THAT!? WE ARE ALL GOIGN TO DIE~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO FUCK IT! GET FUCKED, FUCK EACH OTHER, TAKE SOME PILLS – EAT SOME FUCKING ACID, GET YOUR MIND OPEN – TEAR IT THE FUCK OPEN!!!!! YOU ARE NOT WORTH A BOTTLE OF SHIT, JUST EAT A HIT OF ANGELDUST, KILL A POLICE OFFICER AND FUCKING ROT IN PRISON FOR YEARS, AND PRAY THAT YOU SOON HAVE THE STRENGTH TO KILL YOURSELF, AND THEN FUCKING DIE IN PRISON! WRITE BOOKS ABOUT HATE AND FEAR AND RAGE AND PAIN IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO FUCKING KILL YOUR FUCKING SELF BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE WEIGHT OF THE ROPE THAT HANGS YOU. SO GO AHEAD AND USE YOUR BELT.

And when you are standing there, with the belt around your neck, hanging from the rafters – prison cells shouldn’t have rafters, but this one does – and you’re thinking about all the reasons you’re about to end your life, even though “there’s no reason to end a life,” and you happen to think about this sentence of torn logic, between necessity, fate, self-loathing, regret, self-destruction, shitting your pants when you die, and all the good you can do for humanity, even after you’ve raped, killed a cop, smoked pure PCP to the dome on top of a head full of liquored-up acid, then turned around and taught inner-city kids how to read because you’re a god damn superhero; just remember – Elf Wax Times don’t give a fuck about you, your ambitions, your dreams, or your inner peace or your god damn adventurous spirit, the fact you ran down old people in your car, married a whore, and now you’re single and got nothing, nobody to turn to, a family that hates you and friends who don’t know you – just remember – this one thing, before you hang yourself like the scum-sucking worm that you are. remember this: you are nothing.

FUCK YOU. Hang yourself. Do it, you miserable piece of shit. Nobody wants you.

Nobody needs you.

The world is better off without you. In fact, if there’s a quicker way to die than hanging yourself, DO IT. Got a gun? Excellent. Use it, pussy bitch. Point that motherfucker straight into your temple and pull the trigger – or don’t you have a pair of balls worth fuckign with? Don’t you have shit but a gun? Then pretend like that gun is a dick and SUCK A BULLET THROUGH IT. PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER ‘CAUSE NOBODY WANTS YOU. NOBODY NEEDS YOU. SPEND A BULLET, SAVE A DOLLAR, AND SAVE THE FUCKING WORLD. YOU ARE A VIRUS.

——-===========———

This has been brought to you by our sponsor: FUCK YOU, BITCH.

=======another hit later===========

(12:43:41 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: What?
(12:43:44 AM) judasaddiction: Yeah
(12:43:45 AM) judasaddiction: I know
(12:44:50 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: What are you talking about
(12:46:53 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: ??
(12:47:06 AM) judasaddiction: I am talking about murdering somebody. You want to help me?
(12:48:24 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Hm I think I’ll pass
(12:49:44 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Who you gonna murder?
(12:50:02 AM) judasaddiction: I am murdering the general publis
(12:50:02 AM) judasaddiction: c]
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: fa
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: sf
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: asdjf
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: adsfads
(12:50:04 AM) judasaddiction: f’hiukjhkfyuck
(12:51:03 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Hm ok
(12:52:00 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Your scarring me
(12:51:53 AM) judasaddiction: good.
(12:51:58 AM) judasaddiction: you should be scared
(12:52:01 AM) judasaddiction: because I’m an evil motherfucker
(12:53:06 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Ok hm I think
(12:53:11 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: I should go bye
(12:53:03 AM) judasaddiction: I think you should, too. Because you’re a wuss
(12:53:08 AM) judasaddiction: Get fucked and die
(12:53:58 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Yea bye
(12:53:52 AM) judasaddiction: crylight
(12:54:37 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Fuck off

=-=–=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

fuck that bitch.

-=-=-==–=-=-==–=

The world is a god damn lie. Existence is a fabrication. You are worthless. Your town, its artifacts, its people – all meaningless.

This Earth was created neither for you nor me nor God. We are all equally shit. We are all God. God is shit.

You are not going to win. There is no losing, but somehow you’ve found a way to come out on the bottom. You are scum. You believe in God’s miracle. You are a Christian, a Muslim, a fucking animal that simply can’t evolve to save its own dick.

=–=-=-=-==-=-=-

YOU WILL BE EVOLVED OUT. Because like religion, you are no longer relevant.

-=-=-==–=-==

FUCK RELIGION

FUCK YOUR RELIGION
TO RELIGION: FUCK YOU

asdf

adf

asdf

asdf

you are not worth the weight of this hard-on.

Before you judge me, why don’t you take a look at your fucking self…?

Protesters gear up to repress rowdy G-20 police

G-20, TORONTO– The police stand on the far side of a chain-link fence, waving their guns and batons for attention. They shout pro status quo slogans in an attempt to start a conflict with the amazingly organized protesters. Diana Lauder gives marching orders, and the protesters fall in step with more loyalty than Hitler’s secret police.

“We just want to keep them under control,” Lauder said. “If they begin to use threatening force, we will not hesitate to go straight to our contingency plan, to sit in the grass with our legs crossed, hold up a peace sign, and be shot with rubber bullets and teargas.”

Protesters menacing helpless crowd police
Protesters menacing helpless crowd police

One witness to the violence said the protesters’ abuse of authority was “dehumanizing…completely.” The G-20 protesters systematically violate the civil rights of well-meaning riot police to peacelessly assemble and resist forwardly.

The Canadian government just passed a law in 2007 that said protesters have the right to assemble, so in fairness, protesters count on the police officers to activate a law from 1939 that gives them extraordinary powers under vague circumstances.

“Oppression is, after all, built into the framework, so it’s our job to see to it the rights of police officers are upheld; the right to trample innocent bystanders and shoot them with gas-powered weapons,” said area hippie and peace enthusiast Alistair Robin Rowntree.

The protesters, in spite of their insatiable thirst for violence, face uncertainty too. They are up against people “with a natural aversion to violence,” warned Elf Wax social scientist Akhmed Karzai, so without warning or provocation, the protesters may be forced to attack unwitting riot guards.

Law specialist Bernie Hedriff of The Royal Canadian Mounted Police said,

“Police officers have traditionally constituted the highly-respected, intellectual elite of secondary schools everywhere, known to keep themselves educated on current events and eager to take part in the democratic process; whereas your average political protester is usually some ignorant underachiever who got picked on in school for being dumb and now craves control. This much, we all know,” explained Hedriff. “What is not well known, however, is these peace officers who work as riot guards near political functions – they’re left with no choice but to apply the law, which states that as long as violence is occurring somewhere in the city, they may – no, they must – use excessive force on those around them, especially on the frontlines of the gray area between civil rights and civil disobedience, where examples must clearly be made.”

So, really there are no rights at all, giving the police exactly the kind of protection they need from the oppressing protesting.

Draconian laws allow civil rights to assembly and free speech to be trampled underfoot, and protesters are outnumbered in some situations by three to one, so even in spite of their docile nature, it is difficult to keep the glacial movement of the riot guards in place. Perhaps more obscurely, David Icke, Lizard-Overlord historian and philosoholic, recommends protesters use lizard-repellent, because “The police hate it,” he said.

“I do not believe that the individuals bent on vandalism and violence in our city have finished with their intent, so we will remain vigilant,” Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair said Saturday night.

Of the police, said one protester standing guard, “These criminals rely on the anonymity of hiding in a larger group of the curious and the naive.”

Fences protect freedom by caging it in
Fences protect freedom by caging it in

The riot police and summit leaders behind them are in such great danger that a giant fence was erected to protect their freedoms.

Toronto police said the fence was not breached Saturday.

In response to the impenetrable wall of freedom, protesters torched police cars, broke windows, and bravely vandalized everything in sight, effectively crippling the riot guards, citywide. Our prayers go out to the uniformed victims of protest-abuse in Toronto.

“Fuck you, I won’t do what ya tell me.”

-Riot police, to voters

Behind closed doors, world leaders gathered at the G-20 Summit to discuss the global financial crisis, and how to ease global debt – or at least find a common lie to agree on.

So far, the plan is to finally reveal the all-encompassing pattern of human enslavement across the global third-world plantation, reducing the overhead cost of hiding it.