Doc Watson NOT killed by the Illuminati

Live Forever In Peace As We Perish

The “Technorati,” an extreme AnarchoSocialist element of the Illuminati far above Anonymous in terms of skill and secrecy, quieted Doc Watson away to a CyberGrave and publicly announced his “Death” on Tuesday. CyberGraves are the biggest new craze among secretive elites like the Bilderbergers and Illuminati. By recording only a few hours of brain activity with incredibly sensitive equipment, sensitive down to the cell, a CyberGrave could potentially lead to a state of virtual immortality for even this very generation! The secretive nature of this technology is of course kept under the tightest of tight wraps, tied down, and used by only the super elite.  The first celebrity to ever be given a CyberGrave was Tupac, and current hologram technologies allow him to make appearances in public saying entirely new things which are genuinely taken from his real, preserved consciousness. Engineers for Tupac reported Anonymously that rendering Tupac’s appearance at Coachella this year took ten whole years.

“This is probably the New World Order, folks. I’ve finally figured it all out. The reason why the Denver Airport is geared out to gas an entire continent in a single act of monumental unscalable terror and genocide is because all the fucking Elites from Bilderburg to Doc Watson have all had themselves digitized and they’re just waiting until they have their own digital fucking Minecraft world supercomputer to retreat into after this one is FUCKING DESTROYED. This is how they will achieve MAXIMUM POWER OVER ALL. Well, I’d rather be a damned victim of the biggest genocide in the history of the entire damned planet than a sucker living inside a world of computer glitches where some heroic myth generated by a computerized hack will repeat recursively ad nauseum.” ~ Alex Jones

FACT #1: Right now the “NSA” is building the world’s biggest supercomputer storage database near Area 51 which will be so fucking big it can contain the entire internet 10,000 times and that’s before they upgrade it. Plus, it’s heavily defended by armed guards at all time. Anonymous Insiders says the secret location is codenamed EDEN

FACT #2: Why bother with the material world if you can retreat into an endless realm where you are now actually “God?” If you had this power, would you ever tell anyone about it? NO!

Fact #3: This makes more sense than lizards because David Icke just thinks Jews are nonhuman.

LauraSparkling: HERO of the Freemasons

The Illuminatus

Laura Sparkling’s chest acne proves, once and for all, that her crazy bipolar YouTube antics are really just the first signs of a born hero of Freemasonry. Hopefully she will join up before the Black Lodge burns her to death in her sleep with HAARP!

Area Father Forced to Take His Belt Off

“I warned you I’d do this,” he said.

Richmond, Va. – Area father Mark Bialek, 44, removed his belt Tuesday after asking Tyler, his rambunctious five year old boy, not to touch that candy on the impulse rack of a local Kroger supermarket.

Area Father Forced to Take His Belt OffIgnoring his father’s demands, the child grabbed a fistful of animal crackers and ran full speed into a glass door, went into shock and collapsed in the floor.

Onlooker Stephen Meager compared it to the human equivalent of pigeons flying into library windows. “It was like he didn’t even know glass existed,” commented Meager.

The father, doubly enraged by his child’s insolence and resulting injury, unbuckled his belt and – with a pop of the wrist – had it off and folded over tightly in his right fist. Standing over his lame, quivering child, the father described likely changes the boy could expect in his physical and emotional state once the two found themselves alone, in the near future.

Conditions, Bialek said, are expected to transition rapidly from “a pussy fit” into “a blistered ass,” in the wake of remorseless vengeance for the perceived destruction of his golden years, hinging on his own prior assumptions that he had anymore human potential before he accidentally became a father than his iPhone 3 could already provide on its own.

Through bleary eyes, the beaten child’s mind processed his abuse as an uncharacteristic form of love, and relished the attention.

“That’s called tough love,” said Bialek, on his way out of the store. “The boy’s got to learn.”

Is Gregory D. Evans th3j35t3r?

Is this the face of th3j35t3r?

Patriot hacktivist th3j35t3r is known for attacking WikiLeaks, Westboro Baptist Church, Anonymous, and the Internet Chronicle. In a recent blogpost by Reaper Security, which is incredibly well-cited, th3j35t3r’s methods are laid bare. As it appears, th3j35t3r’s biggest victories have all been either totally faked, the work of others, or ridiculous exaggerations. Reaper Security once allied themselves with th3j35t3r but have since stated, “Stop taking credit for things you didn’t do, start giving credit where credit is due, and we’ll shut up. I still consider you a friend, though if you wish to label me as an enemy as you did on your blog, then so be it.”

Th3j35t3r has built up a strong reputation for charlatanry, and his career bears a striking resemblance to Gregory D. Evans of Ligatt security. has compiled an extensive list of Gregory D. Evans’ alleged misdeeds. These include spamming campaigns, check fraud, the purchase of fake Twitter followers, cyber bullying, and most damning, extensive plagiarism. Simply put, Gregory D. Evans’ behavior is entirely consistent with th3j35t3r’s. This connection comes on the heels of a recent campaign naming Tom Ryan of Provide Security as th3j35t3r. An Anonymous security expert commented, “If Evans can get Ryan smeared as the Jester, that’s one less competitor for him.”

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Diablo III – It’s prettay prettay prettay prettay . . . good

Diablo IIIThe American gaming male automatically degenerated into an alternating cycle of hardcore gaming and furious, repeated bouts of masturbation Tuesday after Mother Blizzard released her tepid seed into the yawning, fertile womb of jilted fantasy gamers who have already seen enough WoW expansions to make General Patreus reconsider an extensive Iraq strategy.

The most celebrated feature of the game thus far is that in Diablo III, you’re no longer a slave to reading. Audio lore gives you experience points as you continue about your quest by reading your own journal entries to you. No longer will gamers groan at the sight of glowing books which fall open into the floor in front of them.

Diablo III journals are now jam-packed full of game lore you never cared about before, but sounds really cool coming through your speakers as you ransack the libraries where you found it, like an SS squado looking for ze papers.

Diablo III is well-optimized to run on computers dating all the way back to 2007, when Barack Obama was busy hiring the white collar criminals responsible for America’s economic collapse onto his financial planning committees. Those were shitty computers back then, but they will still run Diablo III at medium settings and you won’t feel like the poor kid whose left light up sneaker stopped working a week in because you did the Macarena too hard. Good luck with Minecraft, though. NASA is still working on a PC capable of running it at maximum render distance.

The NSA supercomputer might be able to blanket the United States with Constitutional rights violations, but it still can't keep up with Tribes: Ascend
The NSA supercomputer might be able to blanket the United States with Constitutional rights violations, but it still can't keep up with Tribes: Ascend.

Many new games push medium-rated hardware beyond their limits, unreasonably so. Recommended specs if you want to run Tribes: Ascend, for example, requires that your computer be qualified to run CERN supercollider calculations as theorized having taken place on the varied surfaces of distant asteroids, providing NASA had a budget and Hi-Rez Studios wasn’t run by Jews hell-bent on absorbing it.

Diablo III has you shooting the shit out of Thriller extras with both hands; it even has rapid-fire drawstring longbows which makes no sense at all, except magic. Instead of magic, however, the Demon Hunter – like – balances hate with discipline to land combination attacks of rippling snarefuck and piercing arrows of godlessness.

The storyline enlists you – the main character, whoever you are – to assist Leah with various quests and, without raping her, collaborate with this old Nick Oliveri-looking dude to own up on some shit-eating demons. You even get to help a guy kill his wife who, inexplicably, is a mini-boss loaded to the tits with rare magical items and gold. She’s a sweetheart, though. Play to find out why.

I’m about to.

It’s $60. The first coolguy to leave us a comment on this review (with your email in the appropriate field) gets an official Diablo III guest pass providing free access to early gameplay.

Marvin Heemeyer, Black Bloc Martyr

Hero for "The People" (notice, he is wearing black)

Marvin Heemeyer was an average citizen of Granby, Colorado, a very small town run by city officials who were out to get anyone they didn’t like. These power-hungry maniacs attacked anyone who wanted freedom, even using the local media to spread lies.

The city council rejected plans to hook Heemeyer’s shop up to sewer lines and fined him tens of thousands out of spite. He sought permission to build a new route to his muffler shop, even purchased a bulldozer to do this, and the city council rejected this plan, putting him out of business. Not one to be kept down, Heemeyer read a lot of Black Bloc propaganda and decided to take the path of non-violent coercion and self defense.

Heemeyer sold his shop and set to work planning for his one-man Black Bloc protest. Using extreme determination and grit, Heemeyer created the greatest defensive weapon a protester could hope for: A Komatsu D355A bulldozer with full plate steel reinforced concrete armor. By creating his own autonomous zone, where no fascistic riot police could repress his right to peaceful protest, Heemeyer was prepared to become Black Bloc’s most historic martyr.

Heemeyer painted his armored bulldozer black to signify his willingness to participate in property destruction as a form of protest.

Heemeyer took his heavily-modified protest Komatsu D355A and completely destroyed buildings which housed members of Granby’s anti-muffler-shop-industrial-complex. His first target, of course, was his own muffler shop, the heart of the conspiracy. After that, he hit the city hall, the local newspaper, the mayor’s house, and everyone who had been an enemy to liberty. However, Heemeyer remained totally non-violent through this entire encounter, firing only warning shots at police who came too close.

Of course, Heemeyer was totally suicidal. As soon as the armor was dropped onto the bulldozer, there was no way out except death. But did he have a choice, in the face of endless tyranny? Of course he did, but he used the horizontal organization model, so it was ethically right. Also, he didn’t actually kill anyone, so his non-violent diversity of tactics is to be applauded.

Let’s remember that Black Bloc is a tactic, and not a group, as that is an extremely important point in substantive discussion of this topic. A single person can create a fully autonomous zone and pull off perhaps the most effective Black Bloc protest of all time. Over $7 million in damages, you wanna talk about smashing the state?! WOW! There is no doubt, Marvin Heemeyer is Black Bloc’s greatest martyr.

New Miracle breakthrough drug containing dead baby flesh “adds years” to your sex life

Knock-off baby dust pills "not as good as the real thing"SEOUL — A New Miracle™ breakthrough coming out of Lebal Drocer Laboratories and Pharmaceuticals that promises to beat competitors by curing erectile dysfunction as well as performance anxiety, “whiskey-dick” and numerous other problems with male genitalia, has men a-Twitter in the shadow of their own sexual inability.

Said 44-year-old Richmond, Virginia trucker Gary Malosky, “I’m just happy something came along to repair all this damage I done to my pecker abusing stimulants to stay awake on them 13-hour-long drives.”

Already, Chinese piracy is ravaging the good, honest American profiteering of Lebal Drocer, known around the world for bringing you the finest in male enhancement supplements that get your cock rock hard. The knock-off pills being smuggled around the Republic of Korea are a profitable by-product of forced Communist Chinese abortions. Inside capsules comprised of old strips of leather is a tightly packed concentration of powder made from raw fetus and baby parts, which are chopped up and ground into a fine dust. The problem with this is Chinese abortions are an inferior source of baby dust, unlike American range-fed white babies brought to full term in a controlled environment.

American Free Range (TM) by Lebal Drocer
American Free Range (TM) children grow up to make better, wetter baby dust.



Hard-core users have chosen to crush and snort the baby dust pills for instant gratification. This is dangerous, however, because the pills are oftentimes made in China and therefore contain high levels of chromium, a toxic element used as a “wood preservative” but not in the member-hardening way originally intended by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

Lebal Drocer Spokesman Raleigh Theodore Sakers told the chromium found in his patented male enhancement pill is “safe enough for human ingestion through the stomach,” but he warned users the drug, if snorted, “will go straight to the brain, causing immediate, satisfying erections with the very likely possibility of sudden death.”

“I recommend it… Highly.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur




Baby Dust Lotion by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals
“We make you sick, and then we make you better.” –The Lebal Drocer Promise

“Try the new Baby Dust Lotion and satisfy her in bed all night long! This new paste comes with the Chinese Communist Lebal Drocer guarantee she will ‘love you long time!'”

Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Just rub it on your limp cock!

It’ll grow bigger. Guaranteed!

Ask your doctor about the New Miracle™ breakthrough male enhancement product guaranteed to change your sex life today!

This message is brought to you ceremoniously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Stay tuned for a special message about New Miracle babydust from CHRONICLE.SU’s very own Old Brutus!


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occupy wall street anons reach out to find one of their own.

today the chronicle was contacted by….. none other than those wall street occupy guys. “occupywallstreetanon”
and guess what? again, they need our help. it seems a member of their flock a one Stevie Bates, 19 f has gone missing the mother of the 19 yr old has stated she has no leads and is waiting for port authority to let her know if stevie did in fact get on train plane boat or w/e so If you have seen Stevie Bates, please call 646-345-3410. Allegedly last seen in Union Sq over the wknd. Not confirmed
this story is developing.

Massacre predicted at Chicago NATO summit

CHICAGO (CBS) – There is a secret plan to evacuate some residents of Chicago in the event of major trouble during the NATO summit next month. CBS 2 has uncovered some evidence that there is. It is proven from the Milwaukee area branch of the American Red Cross.

CBS 2 News has obtained a copy of a Red Cross e-mail sent to volunteers in the Milwaukee area. Sent with extreme caution and fear.

It said the NATO summit “will surely create unrest or another national security incident. The American Red Cross in southeastern Wisconsin has been asked to place a number of shelters on standby in the event of evacuation of Chicago. The terrorists are on the loose.”

According to a chapter spokesperson, the terror evacuation plan is not theirs alone.

“Our direction has come from the City of Chicago, the Secret Service, the National Security Agency, The White House, the State Department, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the ‘levels above that’” she said.

LISTEN: WBBM Newsradio’s Berny Tafoyanwal Al-Hazra reports

Officials at Chicago’s Office of Emergency Management and Communication said the directive did not come from them.

The U.S. Secret Service did not return calls for comment. The National Security Agency did not return calls for comment. The White House did not return calls for comment. The State Department did not return calls for comment. The Federal Bureau of Investigation did not return calls for comment.

Some downtown residents told CBS 2’s Mike Parkour that the news has them in total, unparalleled terror.

Bran Flein said it is “very unnerving. I feel a little bit unsafe, just a bit more than a little bit. It makes me feel like I want to be in the city during the NATO conference.”

An Anonymous executive with the Service Employees International Union, who trains members in preparation for the summit, thinks such a plan might be “undeniably batshit insane.”

SEIU Local 1 training director Tom Doobry said, “The revolution is coming to you motherfucking bastards, we know the riot police are robots!”