WASHINGTON, DC — Fans mourn the loss of Texas senator Wendy Davis as the news reels trickled in this morning. After amassing support from not only Texas democrats throughout her years as a politician, she managed to garner a hefty klout score last night as her awe inspiring anti-abortion bill filibuster ran for 11 hours straight.
While the Texas senator was in good shape, dawning pink Nike crossfit training shoes to keep her buoyant on her final dance floor, she could not outrun the angry mob of rubes awaiting her outside the senate floor who tweeted furiously #StandWithWendy, collapsing Davis under the weight of her own eFame.
“She was a total fighter,” said Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund and champion kick-boxer. “She’ll be missed around the gym, that much is certain.”
SAVANNAH, Ga. — Fans mourn the loss of Paula Deen, aged 66, who was found dead Tuesday morning after suffering a ruptured stomach. A suicide note was found by family members, which outlined her intention to eat herself to death and also contained many instances of the epithet “nigger-lovers.” This comes on the heels of a damning lawsuit which accused Deen of hiring an all-black staff for a “Southern-Style Wedding” and repeatedly using racial epithets. As a result of her honest apology, Deen was fired from Food Network.
Police say Deen ate “hundreds” of her own pre-packaged desserts which are sold at Wal-Mart and feature her face on the labeling. Investigators said, “We aren’t sure whether or not Deen suffered from a fatal stroke related to her Diabetes before or after her stomach burst. Coroners have said it’s possible that she first died from eating too much sugar, and then suffered the stomach rupture post mortem.”
On Christmas day of 2011, Chronicle.SU was first to raise massive public suspicion about a very influential Anonymous “Leader,” Sabu. Fans of Anonymous, including Barrett Brown, denied and laughed off these claims with vicious accusations of “trolling.” Sabu was later outed as an agent of the FBI by Fox News in March of 2012, and his cooperation led directly to the arrests of Jeremy Hammond and Jake Davis.
In the past week, the story of Joseph Snowden has unraveled in ways which are much different than the tale of Sabu and even more bombastic, despite the fact that stories about similar wiretapping date as far back as 1988.
In my already very inflated opinion, the story of Snowden is far more suspicious and full of more horrifying “red flags” (Dramatic headline?) than the case of Sabu. Skeptics such as Naomi Wolf have been mocked and labeled conspiracy theorists by Snowden supporters for saying similar things.
Snowden has made very few documents available to the public, unlike Bradley Manning. He has said this is because he doesn’t want to threaten the security of the United States, despite the fact that one of his latest disclosures revealed vital details of American espionage operations in China, something which is arguably far more damaging for U.S. security than anything Manning leaked.
Snowden, unlike most other leakers, acted against his own interests and didn’t remain anonymous. Snowden responded to questioning with boggling statements, “I think that the public is owed an explanation of the motivations behind the people who make these disclosures that are outsideof the democratic model. When you are subverting the power of government, that’s a fundamentally dangerous thing to democracy. And if you you do that in secret consistently, y’know, as the government does when it wants to benefit from a secret action that it took, it’ll kind of give its officials a mandate to tell the press about this thing and that thing, so the press is on our side.” (Video) While hiding from prosecution in Hong Kong, Snowden also said, “I have no intention of hiding who I am because I know I have done nothing wrong.”
Snowden first approached the Washington Post before contacting Glenn Greenwald, the much-loved internet pundit known for lionizing WikiLeaks — certainly not someone who is known for reporting on anything but his own opinion (not that he isn’t perfectly capable of reporting). Snowden refused to work with the Washington Post because his contact there could not publish the first story within 72 hours.
Snowden is taking a world tour of the most hated enemies of America still present in popular memory. Joe Sixpack makes no distinction between Hong Kong and China or between Russia and the Soviet Union.
Snowden claimed that he got the job at Booz Allen with the intent of leaking documents, which conflicts with his narrative that he was just a concerned guy who saw some bad stuff. Before working at Booz Allen, Snowden worked for the CIA.
Whether or not you believe any of this points to a false-flag triple-agent mindfuck conspiracy scenario, I have little doubt that Snowden has brought forth enormous boons — for a government that is ever in search of new demons to sacrifice for internet control.
MOSCOW — Edward Snowden’s body has been discovered, dead, after an explosion at the Ecuadorian embassy in Moscow on Sunday. Witnesses claim they saw a missile streak into the Ecuadorian embassy after sightings of a small, buzzing, airborne vehicle. Several of Snowden’s supporters outside the embassy were wounded by debris, and at least twelve ambassadors were also killed in the attack. The numbers are expected to rise as more accurate reports come in.
Government officials around the world have begun the first stages of a military alliance against American imperialism, and several long-time American allies have condemned the U.S. for violating the sacred status of diplomacy. President Obama held a press conference, saying, “This was not an American drone. None of our drones have the capability to strike at the heart of Moscow, and besides, we have safeguards to prevent this kind of thing from happening.”
MOSCOW — In what may go down as one of the most treasonous acts in the history of the United States, Edward Snowden has fled to Moscow en route to Venezuela in order to avoid prosecution for leaks that his supporters claim can’t possibly damage American security interests. “Either he will stay in Russia for the rest of his life, or we will reroute his flight from Venezuela to Guantanamo Bay using F-22 Raptors,” said President Obama in a private conversation leaked and tweeted by Snowden.
Snowden first revealed a massive surveillance program that allegedly targeted American citizens, which was followed by denials from President Obama and other officials. For much of the public, this confirmed their worst fear that the government could, in some cases, eavesdrop on telephone and internet conversations without warrant and trigger criminal investigations.
In his second round of leaks, Snowden uncovered crucial details of American espionage programs targeting China. In spite of this, Snowden supporters maintained he has not damaged American security. Pro-Snowden pundits like Glen Greenwild have pointed out that espionage operations in China are “illegal,” just like all espionage ever, and Snowden’s benefactors refuse to believe this kind of disclosure is an act of espionage with or without treasonous intent.
WASHINGTON — Just a day after espionage charges were filed against whistleblower Edward Snowden, President Obama held a press conference to publicly issue a pardon clearing Snowden of all wrongdoing. “The NSA wasn’t just spying on folks at home,” said the President, “But they’ve been spying on me and members of congress, blackmailing us left and right.” President Obama went on to say, “I still occasionally enjoy a marijuana cigarette once in a while, and the NSA thought that would be enough to shut me up. Well, not anymore.”
Secret service agents clashed with private defense contractors at the NSA datacenter in Bluffdale, Utah. Early reports suggest 74 men were killed and hundreds injured, but the NSA is now firmly in Obama’s grips.
Snowden has refused to return to the U.S., and issued a statement from his new office at MSS headquarters in Wuhan that he would remain in exile until things had “cooled off” back home.