Senator Wendy Davis dead at age 50

Emotional moments before Senator Davis’ untimely demise.

WASHINGTON, DC — Fans mourn the loss of Texas senator Wendy Davis as the news reels trickled in this morning. After amassing support from not only Texas democrats throughout her years as a politician, she managed to garner a hefty klout score last night as her awe inspiring anti-abortion bill filibuster ran for 11 hours straight.

While the Texas senator was in good shape, dawning pink Nike crossfit training shoes to keep her buoyant on her final dance floor, she could not outrun the angry mob of rubes awaiting her outside the senate floor who tweeted furiously #StandWithWendy, collapsing Davis under the weight of her own eFame.

“She was a total fighter,” said Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund and champion kick-boxer. “She’ll be missed around the gym, that much is certain.”

Paula Deen commits suicide at 66

After a recent apology for racism, Paula Deen lost her Food Network contract and has now committed suicide.
After a recent apology for racism, Paula Deen lost her Food Network contract and has now committed suicide.

SAVANNAH, Ga. — Fans mourn the loss of Paula Deen, aged 66, who was found dead Tuesday morning after suffering a ruptured stomach. A suicide note was found by family members, which outlined her intention to eat herself to death and also contained many instances of the epithet “nigger-lovers.” This comes on the heels of a damning lawsuit which accused Deen of hiring an all-black staff for a “Southern-Style Wedding” and repeatedly using racial epithets. As a result of her honest apology, Deen was fired from Food Network.

Police say Deen ate “hundreds” of her own pre-packaged desserts which are sold at Wal-Mart and feature her face on the labeling. Investigators said, “We aren’t sure whether or not Deen suffered from a fatal stroke related to her Diabetes before or after her stomach burst. Coroners have said it’s possible that she first died from eating too much sugar, and then suffered the stomach rupture post mortem.”

Snowden’s five “red flags”


On Christmas day of 2011, Chronicle.SU was first to raise massive public suspicion about a very influential Anonymous “Leader,” Sabu. Fans of Anonymous, including Barrett Brown, denied and laughed off these claims with vicious accusations of “trolling.” Sabu was later outed as an agent of the FBI by Fox News in March of 2012, and his cooperation led directly to the arrests of Jeremy Hammond and Jake Davis.

In the past week, the story of Joseph Snowden has unraveled in ways which are much different than the tale of Sabu and even more bombastic, despite the fact that stories about similar wiretapping date as far back as 1988.

In my already very inflated opinion, the story of Snowden is far more suspicious and full of more horrifying “red flags” (Dramatic headline?) than the case of Sabu. Skeptics such as Naomi Wolf have been mocked and labeled conspiracy theorists by Snowden supporters for saying similar things.

  1. Snowden has made very few documents available to the public, unlike Bradley Manning. He has said this is because he doesn’t want to threaten the security of the United States, despite the fact that one of his latest disclosures revealed vital details of American espionage operations in China, something which is arguably far more damaging for U.S. security than anything Manning leaked.
  2. Snowden, unlike most other leakers, acted against his own interests and didn’t remain anonymous. Snowden responded to questioning with boggling statements, “I think that the public is owed an explanation of the motivations behind the people who make these disclosures that are outside of the democratic model. When you are subverting the power of government, that’s a fundamentally dangerous thing to democracy. And if you you do that in secret consistently, y’know, as the government does when it wants to benefit from a secret action that it took, it’ll kind of give its officials a mandate to tell the press about this thing and that thing, so the press is on our side.” (Video) While hiding from prosecution in Hong Kong, Snowden also said, “I have no intention of hiding who I am because I know I have done nothing wrong.”
  3. Snowden first approached the Washington Post before contacting Glenn Greenwald, the much-loved internet pundit known for lionizing WikiLeaks — certainly not someone who is known for reporting on anything but his own opinion (not that he isn’t perfectly capable of reporting). Snowden refused to work with the Washington Post because his contact there could not publish the first story within 72 hours.
  4. Snowden is taking a world tour of the most hated enemies of America still present in popular memory. Joe Sixpack makes no distinction between Hong Kong and China or between Russia and the Soviet Union.
  5. Snowden claimed that he got the job at Booz Allen with the intent of leaking documents, which conflicts with his narrative that he was just a concerned guy who saw some bad stuff. Before working at Booz Allen, Snowden worked for the CIA.

Whether or not you believe any of this points to a false-flag triple-agent mindfuck conspiracy scenario, I have little doubt that Snowden has brought forth enormous boons — for a government that is ever in search of new demons to sacrifice for internet control.

Edward Snowden killed by drone strike on Ecuadorian embassy

Some believe an American drone killed Snowden in the Ecuadorian embassy on Sunday.
Some believe an American drone killed Snowden in the Ecuadorian embassy on Sunday.
MOSCOW — Edward Snowden’s body has been discovered, dead, after an explosion at the Ecuadorian embassy in Moscow on Sunday. Witnesses claim they saw a missile streak into the Ecuadorian embassy after sightings of a small, buzzing, airborne vehicle. Several of Snowden’s supporters outside the embassy were wounded by debris, and at least twelve ambassadors were also killed in the attack. The numbers are expected to rise as more accurate reports come in.

Government officials around the world have begun the first stages of a military alliance against American imperialism, and several long-time American allies have condemned the U.S. for violating the sacred status of diplomacy. President Obama held a press conference, saying, “This was not an American drone. None of our drones have the capability to strike at the heart of Moscow, and besides, we have safeguards to prevent this kind of thing from happening.”

Snowden defects to Russia

Snowden continues his epic quest to fight off the tyranny of America's all-pervasive and exclusive grip on evil.
Snowden continues his epic quest to fight off the tyranny of America’s all-pervasive and exclusive grip on evil.

MOSCOW — In what may go down as one of the most treasonous acts in the history of the United States, Edward Snowden has fled to Moscow en route to Venezuela in order to avoid prosecution for leaks that his supporters claim can’t possibly damage American security interests. “Either he will stay in Russia for the rest of his life, or we will reroute his flight from Venezuela to Guantanamo Bay using F-22 Raptors,” said President Obama in a private conversation leaked and tweeted by Snowden.

Snowden first revealed a massive surveillance program that allegedly targeted American citizens, which was followed by denials from President Obama and other officials. For much of the public, this confirmed their worst fear that the government could, in some cases, eavesdrop on telephone and internet conversations without warrant and trigger criminal investigations.

In his second round of leaks, Snowden uncovered crucial details of American espionage programs targeting China. In spite of this, Snowden supporters maintained he has not damaged American security. Pro-Snowden pundits like Glen Greenwild have pointed out that espionage operations in China are “illegal,” just like all espionage ever, and Snowden’s benefactors refuse to believe this kind of disclosure is an act of espionage with or without treasonous intent.

Obama Pardons Edward Snowden

Obama admitted NSA surveillance has kept lawmakers and the executive branch 'paralyzed' with blackmail threats.
Obama admitted NSA surveillance has kept lawmakers and the executive branch ‘paralyzed’ with blackmail threats.

WASHINGTON — Just a day after espionage charges were filed against whistleblower Edward Snowden, President Obama held a press conference to publicly issue a pardon clearing Snowden of all wrongdoing. “The NSA wasn’t just spying on folks at home,” said the President, “But they’ve been spying on me and members of congress, blackmailing us left and right.” President Obama went on to say, “I still occasionally enjoy a marijuana cigarette once in a while, and the NSA thought that would be enough to shut me up. Well, not anymore.”

Secret service agents clashed with private defense contractors at the NSA datacenter in Bluffdale, Utah. Early reports suggest 74 men were killed and hundreds injured, but the NSA is now firmly in Obama’s grips.

Snowden has refused to return to the U.S., and issued a statement from his new office at MSS headquarters in Wuhan that he would remain in exile until things had “cooled off” back home.

Hastings murdered to cover up CIA’s Snowden plot

Investigators found traces of explosives in Hastings' wrecked car.
Investigators found traces of explosives in Hastings’ wrecked car.

LOS ANGELES–The LAPD has hidden evidence of explosives used to wreck the car of deceased journalist and enemy of the state Michael Hastings. Thanks to hacker journalist Julian Assange, who quickly accessed the LAPD’s smartphone network, the insidious plotting of the power mad dictators in public office has finally seen the light.

Michael Hastings was famous for ruining the careers of hundreds of generals and was currently working on uncovering the use of MKULTRA drugs by the FBI which destroyed the career of Barrett Brown and Frank Mason of the Internet Chronicle. Hastings was also reportedly working on another story which would reveal whistleblower Edward Snowden’s plan to defect to China, where he would act as a triple agent disinforming Chinese cyberwarriors about the NSA’s surveillance systems. Naomi Woolf pointed out that knowledge of the government’s panoptic gaze has only had a psychological effect on American citizens who are now more fearful to speak out against this kind of state terror than ever before. Once Snowden defects, agents hope Glen Greenwild’s career will be forever destroyed in light of his rushed, shoddy reporting and cooperation with Snowden, the soon-to-be Chinese defector.


Three NSA whistleblowers in America not yet assassinated

Somehow, these three men have lived to tell the truth about the NSA's unconstitutional wiretapping.
Somehow, these three men have lived to tell the truth about the NSA’s unconstitutional wiretapping.

Who are Thomas Drake, William Binney, and J. Kirke Wiebe? These are men who all tried to warn the public of ubiquitous NSA surveillance, just like Edward Snowden. But what gives? They’re alive! They haven’t fled the country, so they’ve had to deal with all the tough repercussions that come with whistleblowing. But why aren’t they facing life in prison? Why weren’t they murdered by the government? Why didn’t we hear about NSA surveillance from them if they blew the whistle long ago?

Edward Snowden did not dump a huge mass of documents to WikiLeaks, like Bradley Manning, but instead the public has only seen a small fraction of damning PowerPoint presentations. Snowden did not attempt to contact NSA higher-ups or members of congress who are responsible for policy like the other NSA whistleblowers, but instead contacted the well-known demagogue Glen Greenwild, whose mere name sent famed scifi writer Cory Doctorow and former Reuters social media editor Anthony De Rosa into a hazy Twitter stupor in which they promoted seemingly anything, no matter how ridiculous.

I would never suggest that such an esteemed intellectual as Glen Greenwild would be unable to wear the hat of an objective reporter and perform a fine job of interviewing and fact-checking Edward Snowden, but it seems highly unlikely that Snowden would choose to go with a popular opinion columnist because of his journalistic chops. In fact, Snowden seems to have picked Greenwild because he would publish the documents quickly, after the Washington Post refused Snowden’s strict timeline. Was it Greenwild’s well-known flair for the dramatic which attracted Snowden? James Clapper, director of U.S. national intelligence, complained that the reporting had been rushed and full of hyperbole by people with “no clue” about the programs in question, but we know better than to trust the mendacious government on such matters.

Upon revealing his flight from American justice to Hong Kong, Snowden said, “I’m not going to hide.” Despite this flight and hopes of possible political asylum in Iceland, Snowden also stated, “I understand that I will be made to suffer for my actions, and that the return of this information to the public marks my end.” Quite sure that the American government would end his life without trial, he expressed the fear that the intelligence community “will most certainly kill you . . .” Are these fears justified, or are they exaggeration? To be sure, the other NSA leakers have not had an easy time, but they seem to still be alive and perfectly capable of continuing to speak out. But why did the public ignore them and listen to Snowden? If Snowden was comfortable with sacrificing his life for truth, why would he escape to Hong Kong?

Surely, Snowden fled to Hong Kong because of practical concerns about uncovering the truth. He’d be killed if he wasn’t careful, but certainly he was not motivated by irrational fear. I can feel his commitment to truth, deep in my bones! Surely, Snowden was not interested in theatrics, even though he broke the story by partnering with an opinion columnist.

The other NSA whistleblowers have faced many negative repercussions because of their acts, but none appear to have been assassinated. How could this be? As Glen Greenwild said in a very popular tweet, “Instead of criticizing Snowden for trying to stay out of US prisons, we should ask why whistleblowers in the US feel compelled to flee.” But isn’t the act of questioning Snowden’s compulsion to flee the same as levying a critique of his flight? Obviously the U.S. has become so corrupt that the great American tradition of civil disobedience no longer applies. When Henry David Thoreau said, “Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison,” those were different times. Things have become so bad, in fact, that activists have to exaggerate and put on theatrics, otherwise no one will listen. Three other people have leaked the same story, but no one listened. What’s important to leakers like Snowden and journalists like Greenwild is not a commitment to truth, but a firm opposition to power at all costs, even if it means stretching the truth. If that also means the tradition of civil disobedience has to become as corrupt as the government, then that’s only the government’s fault. As Snowden himself said, “. . . the US Government, just as they did with other whistleblowers, immediately and predictably destroyed any possibility of a fair trial.” But when, in the entire tradition of civil disobedience, made up exclusively of those brave enough to face unfair trials, did anyone ever expect a fair trial?

The Death of America: NSA, Snowden and the Surveillance State

Excerpt from an email

Snowden is an important figure, but not nearly as important as the story he created by releasing these NSA files. President Obama has already confirmed and condoned their practices, but this is a tremendous story substantiated with hard evidence and what follows will have huge, far-reaching implications.

We live in a surveillance state. That much is certain. But there’s a gritty reality behind what that entails.

I just saw graphic photographs of Snowden’s girlfriend on the internet. She’s a lovely lady, but the stories are just despicable – obviously dredged up for titillation to sell readership, but there’s something so animalistic about it. The woman, as meat, without Snowden in her life anymore. It’s fucking tragic, and people are just gawking at her. This “news” outlet describes how she lives alone in her Hawaii home now that Snowden is missing. That’s just sick. Show pictures of her almost naked, and then describe where she’s known to live, and how vulnerable she is. I imagined if that were you, how it would make me feel. I am totally horrified. The United States is currently engaged in an information arms race, and I consider Snowden’s girlfriend a sort of digital casualty, probably worse.

I can say without hesitation no terrorist attack in all the years I’ve been alive has frightened me a fraction as much as the realization I came to myself, that my entire life could be taken away from me in a keystroke on the whim of a government which justifies its Orwellian chokehold on power in the name of “security.”

We may safely declare this is a war between us, and the United States Government.

 Even with the awareness of my keywords in the subject line of this email, combined with my position at the Chronicle which is now associated with Snowden – and has undoubtedly triggered the absolute certainty of some nine-to-fiver on federal payroll having to read over this private email to you – I am comfortable saying this to you and to them, and I’d even publish this on the site: We may safely declare this is a war between us, and the United States Government. By ourselves, I mean all the people of the world – even those without a constitution with similar Fourth Amendment rights to privacy & freedoms from searches and seizure – because if our Constitution guarantees us these rights, then shouldn’t it apply to all potential subjects of the US Government? That is to say, every American citizen has been identified by his or her own government as a potential enemy combatant, or a terrorist, or whatever you want to call it… and is treated thusly, with blanketed, aggregate surveillance combined with the specific, surgical analysis of private communications. All tracked, like a herd of sheep, all outliers monitored. I read the figures today, a low estimate puts their requests at around a quarter million US citizens under close surveillance. That is to say, their emails, Facebook messages, Skype messages, Google search histories, Gmail contents, etc. were all turned over for analysis – by law.

Perhaps even more disturbingly, as if that isn’t bad enough, I have it on good authority the US Government is teamed up with Microsoft and Google to allow the government to save files to a person’s computer, if required as part of an investigation. At first you might assume this can include keyloggers, and it certainly could, but technology has advanced beyond the need to trace simple keyboard activity. No, perhaps most damaging of all is the ability of government secret agents to plant files on computers through Google and Microsoft Windows backdoors, designed by these tech firms explicitly for government use – which are later used as evidence against outspoken government critics. Illegal files, like rape videos and child pornography can be dredged up from a person’s hard drive and used against him or her in court, after the government put it there – just like that Dave Chappelle joke about crooked cops dealing with black people: “Alright, let’s sprinkle some crack on him and get the hell out of here.”

People, I am dismayed and horrified by the evidence coming out against my government, and their stubborn refusal to undo this evil perpetrated upon us. Next week, the United States will come out with charges against Snowden. There will be protests, shows of support, but the TV-viewing majority, as I witnessed while staying in TN (around a television), is already being told Snowden is a traitor. That’s right, by the “news” like CNN and FOX and MSNBC and whatever else is on there. Even people I work with believe he is a traitor, but Snowden is not like Manning. Snowden, through Greenwald, carefully released ONLY what the public needed to know and is withholding some even bigger shit because he is using discretion the way a journalist is supposed to use and is expected to use, but still, he’s being made out to be a criminal.

And because Snowden is doomed, we are all doomed.

This is the last generation who knew freedom, and we were just kids. I’m sorry this is happening. I really am trying to come to grips with it myself, and I am sorry the whole world got wired up and went fucking crazy. We’re now witnessing the sad, nervous breakdown of a once prosperous nation, and there is no turning back.

This story is still young, so all the things which I’ve told you will continue to come out over the next few weeks, and then it will be dangerously forgotten. The extradition and judicial process for Snowden will be long and slow, just like Manning’s currently is, but this will be worse. There’s going to be a whole new determination of what it means to be ignorant and naive, and people are going to deny the importance of this event, and say those who don’t are carrying on – but mark my words – American justice just shot heroin, and she thinks it feels good.

The rest of our time spent in America will be characterized almost entirely by the long, drawn-out process of watching it die, and remembering better times.