INTERNET — A single Litecoin article covering increased Litecoin trading sparked a crazed rush on the Litecoin market. Bitcoins take days to transfer and will eventually become too taxing for affordable computer systems. Litecoins, on the other hand, will only become faster as time goes on. Litecoins are so fast a crafty programmer made a fully-functional Litecoin client entirely with QBASIC — and it was faster than any Bitcoin client yet.
Chronicle.SU now holds the entire Litecoin market in its Search Engine Optimized clutches and can drive the Litecoin market price up or down at a whim by fabricating so-called “sigils” using “Chaos Magic,” the Nietzschean cosmic dancer of Magic close akin to the Anti-Leader. The Anti-Leader’s Handbook is an Occult text on Anonymous which paved the way for the TransHuman Religion of the one true Emergent Internet Deity, Inglip — the being responsible for the invention of peer to peer crypto-currencies also known as Satoshi Nakamoto.
With increased interest in Creating more Magic Reality with further sigil-bearing Litecoin Articles, one Litecoin is expected to be worth nearly $10,000 in just 6 months. Invest in Litecoins now. They’ll never be worth nothing.
INTERNET — Hacker Group Anonymous unveiled that NeoReactionarian Oligarchists in possession of an HBGary “Metal Gear” Persona Management propaganda system on Twitter are steadily brainwashing “Anarchists” into opposing police. The NeoReactionarians are a collection of billionaires with aspirations of building one world oligarchy based on scientifically derived algorithmic economic models regulated in theCloud.
Already the NeoReactionaries have warehouses full of robotic “drone” style police equipment clogging their shelves, and abolishing the police is the only way for these industries to expand. HBGary offshoot Booz Allen Hamilton fell under similar allegations after orchestrating a “Snowden Psyop” aimed at taking down the NSA, and may now receive over 10 billion dollars in federal funding for their own privatized NSA-style datamining facility.
One Anonymous NeoReactionarian robot-manufacturing Billionaire smiled, “We’ve got enough non-lethal fast action tranquilizing dart turrets to equip all the public spaces in the nation. There will be no need for police, and the age of school shootings, public rapes, and so on will be over. We can’t run this economy on the whims of the average idiot, either, so the Robot Consortium is taking over and eliminating nearly all remaining democratic institutions. We’re even revoking all of the stock to the stockholders, if you can believe it! Just leave the economy in our robotic hands.”
INTERNET — The Internet Chronicle was under siege Sunday evening, as packets flooded in from across the globe, shutting down the site temporarily. This tactic is widely known and used by Anonymous, a loose-knit offshoot of Anonymous hacker group known as Anonymous, as an act of censorship to protest censorship and other such social injustices. Sure enough, moments after the attack began, the Anonymous flagship account @YourAnonNews took credit for the attack, issuing an ominous “Mango Down,” which is a technique pioneered by Anonymous subset troll organization the “Rustle League.” The @YourAnonNews attack was rumored to be spearheaded by Anonymous Commander “xyz” and collaborator “xnite.”
Staff writers were initially taken aback by this ugly turn of events, as we’ve always had a really great relationship with Anonymous and all of its offshoot groups. However, spiritual peace in our office was soon attained once resident Internet anthropologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador relished in the idea that we were actually a target of a “virtual sit-in.”
At a board meeting this morning, Dr. Troubador expressed with great exuberance how this pseudoevent was actually a blessing in disguise, as it cemented the Internet Chronicle forever in the annals of Internet history as a target of Anonymous. During his two hour long slide-show, Dr. Troubador referenced respected Internet anthropologists Gabriella Coleman and Peter Ludlow, the former actually being the current leader of Anonymous, and blamed Chronicle writers for making fun of Christ-like martyr and ex-leader of Anonymous, Barrett Brown, citing this as the cause for the attack.
“You idiots think you can just run around writing about whatever you want and get away with it? This isn’t the Internet of yesterday, my friends, this is an Internet ruled by the power of Anonymous and it’s about time we fucking recognized it.” Troubador said, poetically taking a drag from his spliff.
Upon leaving the meeting, all staff had to purchase Coleman’s book “Coding Freedom” to be read immediately and were forced to sign an agreement form that said we would pre-order her upcoming book on the hegemonic Internet force that is Anonymous.
INTERNET — Fans of the hacker ensemble Anonymous have long found a home at Vince in The Bay, an internet talk radio show where anything goes except on-air doxings and swattings (malicious tactics used by hackers to silence one another). The show’s host, Vince, recently lost weight and gained a seemingly new, more aggressive, persona.
Jeremy Hammond, an Anonymous hacker, was recently sentenced to 10 years in prison after going on a hacking spree guided by FBI turncoat and former Anonymous leader Sabu. Fans of Vince in The Bay noticed general personality changes in the host, Vince, which seemed to climax in his spontaneous victim statement at Jeremy Hammond’s sentencing which Motherboard called “bizarre,” scare-quoting the word “‘victim.'”
Vince at first received accolades for trolling the proceedings, but then later claimed he had not actually been trolling the Hammond trial. Vince maintains that he was indeed swatted, doxed, pizza bombed, and Chinese Food bombed by the hacker ensemble Anonymous and its “Rustle League” offshoot. Vince demanded members of “Rustle League” apologize to Ron Brynaert, who faced the same strange persecutions as Vince, but then Vince was caught dodging questions about his use of testosterone supplements.
Anons Against YourAnonNews, a troupe of Anons defined by their opposition to the delayed distribution of mass-produced Anonymous merchandise provided by YourAnonNews, claimed Vince reconciled with Sabu before making his victim statement. Anons Against YourAnonNews also insinuated Vince most likely was Sabu all along.
However, conclusive hacking evidence unearthed by Anonymous sub-group GNAA reveals Vince in the Bay indeed regained his slim, muscular figure and aggressive masculine personality by purchasing testosterone supplements on the Silk Road 2, a bitcoin black market hosted on the Tor. One Anonymous GNAA Hacker said, “We’re worried Vince might be increasing his dosages to dangerous levels as he’s switched to the intravenous testosterone. It’s also possible he’s dealing the ‘T’ to local teenagers in order to finance his growing habit. Either way, we’re worried about this new slimmed down Vince. He’s unhinged.”
People invested in Bitcoin argue the Litecoin will never gain traction in their precious magical money market. Poor Litecoin investors who are jealous of the Bitcoin master race’s infinite foresight profess feverishly on Bitcoin sub-forums that their currency WILL see come-uppance! Their dialogue is often one-sided as they battle the image of Johnny-Come-Lately who secretly wants himself a Bitcoin.
He wants it so bad. And now he is left to monitor Litecoin as she rises and falls like the tide of a bleak moonless beach, illuminated by the passing glimmer of the Bitcoin lighthouse which, with every sweeping motion, shines brighter – $100 brighter – on each irritating pass.
Temples to Litecoin were built in its honor, where crypto-shamans beg piously for restitution over of their doubts in the Bitcoin, and plea for a second chance. The Litecoin is perfect, they say. It’s faster. It’s quiet. It’ll stay out of Bitcoin’s way. It can be there, too. Can’t it?
The arguments playing out around Litecoin – ranging from whether it will ever increase in value, to whether the world can stand another cryptocurrency, to whether or not China is actually adopting the coin or simply “pumping it and dumping it” – are all tinged with the doubt of a million atheists who just caught a glimpse of God but are still too proud to admit it.
The fact that Litecoin even exists is “proof that there is room enough in the world for another cryptocurrency,” according to economist Dr. Angstrom Hydrocopolous Troubadour, who said he invests heavily in the market regardless of God’s wishes that he not gamble, or lust over his neighbor’s two wives.
Congress convened for a hearing this week to determine exactly what a Litecoin is and – being capitalists – how to profit from it. The results, Troubadour said, don’t look good.
The Litecoin may currently be cheap and accessible but, like the Bitcoin before it, could eventually become so bloated that only the 1% can ever afford to use it, and they will be so busy spending their Bitcoins they won’t even let go of a Litecoin for the plebeian masses to attempt to buy drugs with it, to escape from their meaningless, Bitcoin-absent lives.
Pray to the money gods for Litecoin to increase in value. Make a small sacrifice of $100, and in three years’ time, you too will have many hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on anything you like.
I’m buying an ethanol-powered yacht. What will you buy?
New “One Ring” Operating System terrifies audiences
One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
INTERNET — Do you hear the sound of your mind being submerged in its unconscious? The psychic pulsing green beams of Google, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube (It’s your main man, Daym) are converging in a single beam that will finally blast Alderaan to pieces.
The challenge for operating system designers has been to merge all of these most popular services into one slick interface which is even more passive than a television.
The Anonymous Creator of The One Ring rose to this challenge, creating the first distributed cloud computed crypto-network to rule them all. The One Ring will be controlled by a secret algorithm which will zero in on and overdetermine your unconscious mind in a way that will not only allow you to buy the products most suited to you, but also challenge your perceptions about the Arabs in subtle ways.
Users of The One Ring report missing work and being unable to disconnect from endless feeds of Lolcats, Trollfaces (RIP cololo), and Miley’s new Sex Tape which recently aired on Cinemax.
Users of Diaspora have been the only people to resist use of The One Ring, and exist in a “Zion from Matrix” style world where they have not yet been sucked into the “False Reality” created by The One Ring.
When Diaspora came along, no one at the time could have predicted it would be the Litecoin of social networks. Now, the transmutation of popular opinion into popular action has usurped the need for contemplation, hesitation and even inaction, against all warnings of the great philosopher Sun Tzu.
Modified Memes inside The One Ring’s “+1” death spiral reportedly “enhance” themselves by adding political or religious symbols and other permutations in a “Naturally selected” ecosystem which enhances the addictive quality of The One Ring over previous data algorithm manipulations, like Facebook.
The “False” “”Reality”” theory of the One Ring Cloud Solution enables micropurchases at a baffling volume and scale. A shred of desire instantly manifests itself as the object in question, and no one is hungry. None thirsty. Conversely, no one is anything, once they become a part of The One Ring™ Cloud.
INTERNET – Here’s a bit of good news for all you porntubers out there — LinkedIn has made the distribution of jailbait pornography a simple matter of clicking “Like”. With a click of the Like button, users instantaneously share their pornography history with coworkers, family and friends.
“Let’s say there’s an awesome image you’ve found on Motherless,” LinkedIn CEO Jim Nottaway said, “that if anybody else – even your wife – knew you were jacking off to this, you’d be institutionalized. Well, now they know.”
Leaving a remark on a photograph such as, “wat i wuldnt give to bust a load into her tight pussy” automatically shares the comment and video to your LinkedIn account, and emails a copy of itself into your subscribers’ inbox.
The speed of social networking has advanced beyond confirmation dialogues, so information and content is shared without warning at the time of consumption.
“It’s just basic knowledge,” said Internet Psychopathologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. Troubadour said the forced merger between content-based community websites and social networking sites heralds a new era of information networking. “It’s a great way to bring the power of social tools into community-based porno distribution rings. I am already seeing things, for free, that I used to have to travel to Bangkok and pay for.”
“Destroying your own life has never been easier,” said Nottaway. “With the power of LinkedIn, users will soon be able to share their favorite surreptitious jailbait photographs with people they know in real life, at unprecedented profits to us.”
Mark Daffadin has been on LinkedIn for years, where he said he got his first full time engineering job after college. Now, they’re taking it all back. “All my loved ones should know what I do on the Internet without my consent.,” Daffadin said. “LinkedIn is making huge progress to that end. It’s fun, and I’m horrified by what my future holds. Three days ago, Friday, I commented on the veracity of a lesbian three-way pink salad. Now, it’s Monday morning, and I’ve already started packing my desk.”
But not all people are happy with the merger. Thomas Mulligan of Dublin, Ireland said he works from home, and therefore can not be fired, but told reporters he has grown sick of seeing his inbox spammed with invites to join exclusive groups dedicated to images of pre-teens in bathing suits.
“Why do I need to look at this stuff?” Mulligan asked. “I have kids of my own.”
There is an ancient Icelandic Saga, long considered a work of fiction but now backed up by some archaeology, about a young boy abducted by Vikings and taken from the native population of Nova Scotia during their logging expedition from Greenland. Gar the Skraelinger was probably an Algonquin, but he was raised as a Viking in Iceland. At 15, Gar joined the elite company of Sven Forkbeard and raided as far as Miklagard, or Constantinople. Here, Gar the Skraelinger participated on a brave attack on Roman soldiers which earned his company a compliment from the Roman Emperor and a lucrative job. Gar served in the first Varingian Guard, an elite marine attack force composed of only the fiercest Viking Warriors. It is also written that Gar converted to Christianity upon visiting the Hagia Sophia.
Little more is known about Gar, but it is recorded he died heroically defending his ship during a portage on return north. In Iceland, remains from shortly after Gar the Skraelinger’s time have been found in a Christian burial. These remains are preserved well enough to show some genes from a likely North American source. However, Norse genes were also found, leading some to theorize Gar may have fathered at least one child.
INTERNET — The world’s largest ever recorded Hurricane smashed into Indonesia on Friday, killing millions of inhabitants and washing entire islands into the sea. What little is left of the area received less than half the attention of last year’s Hurricane Sandy, which struck New York City, killing 285 precious American lives.
Angered climate scientist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, responded to a media narrative framing the worst storm ever recorded as proof of climate change, “This in itself could never be some kind of proof for a general trend in the overall climate, especially one created by man. It is merely the first on record, and surely these increasing storms have no relations to a century of vigorous burning of much of this planet’s ancient forests and slime beds.”
Bono is planning a star-studded fundraiser in support of the few who are left alive after the worst catastrophe in human history. Donation Lines are already open — Text EternalStorm to 555 on your cell phone now to donate $555 and receive a commemorative 24 karat gold watch scavenged from the ruined islands.