INTERNET — Increasingly, bearded men claim they have been “inundated” with comments about Duck Dynasty by self-proclaimed “clever” strangers in public.
“‘Oh I just love the Dynasty,’ the cashier told me. She said it slowly taking up lots of my time, as if I also loved the Dynasty, and I was offended. Just because I have a beard doesn’t mean I love Duck Dynasty. I wouldn’t know about it if I didn’t have a beard and sometimes I just feel like shaving it all off, just to get away from these Duck Dynasty comments,” said Jake Earl, 28 year old musician from Carlston, West Virginia. “But I can’t! I’ll lose all my ‘mountain’ cred and nobody will come to my bluegrass shows.”
Jake Earl found fame after a video of him shaving his beard in public went viral on YouTube.
Earl told our correspondent in Carlston, “I just felt this pressure building up, something like one of these mass shooters maybe,” Earl said, “I just couldn’t take the way I was being viewed by the world and everything just came crashing down on me. I felt a strong compulsion to cut it off in public, and I’m very sorry for throwing my hair at police officers.”
Authorities detained Earl but did not arrest him. Earl’s psychiatrist refused to give our reporters his diagnosis, but told us “Earl is feeling much better.”
Other local bearded men have stepped out of hiding to support Earl. Fred Dershowitz told reporters, “What Jake Earl did was heroic. I mean my beard is not even similar at all to Duck Dynasty. It’s cropped short! But still, every time I go to the grocery store, some slack-jawed idiot points at me and says ‘Duck dahnasty, yall! It’s a beard!’ and I felt the same urge Earl does. I think I’ll just shave mine off in public too.”
INTERNET — Nobody seems to mind that there is a war on personal freedom taking place at their fingertips right now. Nobody cares about the police state. And while I admit I’m perfectly comfortable here in my hate hole, the proles are doing just fine under the watchful eye of the all-seeing NSA Octopus. And that is fucking weird.
The NSA wants to be the next FBI – hit men and everything. Think I’m wrong? Well, there’s a secret court called FISA who will back me up.
For decades, the NSA has been the silent, creepy uncle of US defense agencies. Since the Snowden leaks, however, that is all changing.
The NSA Today® has taken on a demeanor of brazen, Sabu-style recklessness. Official sources represent pre-determined attitudes of sheer spitefulness about their activity. Barack Hussein Obama only just yesterday responded to corporate shareholders’ complaints with a decision to allow tech conglomerates to make broad, generalized statements regarding the existence of NSA probing – but nothing specific about who is being watched, how much, or for how long or for what reason.
There is no proof NSA surveillance has successfully stopped a terrorist attack, and even if it did – would we really want it?
Political Scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour weighed in. Troubadour said one terrorist attack every 20 years is worse than being spied on.
“For the whole time perverted Uncle NSA has been browsing through your SMS dick pics,” Troubadour explained, “Al Qaeda has been on the run, afraid of the possibility their own dick pics could wind up in the hands of US Generals. The NSA is absolutely necessary if the United States is to continue existing tomorrow.”
Congressman Anthony Weiner said he is a testament to the discrediting power of dick pics, but dick pics themselves are not terrorism.
“That’s right,” Weiner said. “Not even uncircumcised ones are grounds to declare war.”
Dr. Troubadour said the NSA spies on the world because it loves you, and this is how adults show love.
“The NSA, even as a touchy, molesty sort of uncle figure, is good for America,” he said. “But just remember, this is our little secret, okay?”
Dr. Troubadour privately added that if you go tell on the NSA, nobody will believe you, and your parents will never, ever love you again.
INTERNET — Dox flew, Monday evening, as Wicked Clown hacker ShadowDXS found himself in an Internet feud against fellow Juggalo hacker “th3j35t3r.” ShadowDXS, known for elite smartphone interfaces, lambasted self-proclaimed patriot th3j35t3r (hacker speak for “The Jester”).
The Jester’s laptop — emblazoned with the ‘hatchet man’ logo of Insane Clown Posse — is on display at the the Spy Museum in Washington D.C. The Jester used this laptop to shut down terrorist web sites, saving countless American lives.
Many outside of the Juggalo family stigmatize and devalue the Faygo-drinking subculture – including the FBI – who recently declared Juggalos a “gang.” However, expert and cultural anthropolgist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who has lived with Juggalos for years, studying their habits and mimicking their behaviors, dismissed the “dumb juggalo” stereotype. “I’ve met Juggalos who are doctors, businessmen, CEO’s of major corporations,” Troubadour explained. “Met a rocket scientist at the gathering last year! Woop Woop! So it doesn’t surprise me at all that Juggalos are some of the world’s most elite and skilled hackers.”
What both parties refuse to acknowledge, however, is that none of this shit matters.
Hacker feuds such as the one between ShadowDXS and The Jester often lead to the posting of supposed “dox” or information on the hidden secret identity of the hacker. Monday evening’s feud is no different. The Jester publicly announced the new home address and significant other to ShadowDXS, at which point Shadow alluded to the supposed weaknesses of Jester’s SSH keys.
According to Erica Moorehead, chief editor of Juggalette (a juggalo magazine for women), it is fabled that “Anonymous” got the idea to cover their faces with masks from the Insane Clown Posse.
“Both groups maintain anti-establishment personas while advancing pro-Christian agendas,” Moorehead said. “Both groups carry the burden of many public failures, yet they are adored by the masses. Many juggalos say they feel persecuted. Most hackers agree there is a system of persecution in place, designed to destroy them from the inside out. In short, there is a lot of intersectionality between Anonymous and Juggalo culture.”
Moorehead added, “Many hackers fail to respect basic tenets of life in a society – discounting the virtues of interpersonal interaction, common decency and even bathing. It is the system holding them back,” she said, “because they don’t respect the system, and it seems some of them can find that anchor in The Family.”
WASHINGTON — Recent revelations from Snowden outlined a complex cloud weather modification project carried out by the classified High Altitude Auroral Research Project (HAARP) and the Jet Fuel Cloud Seeding Program (JFCSP) commonly known as Chemtrails. Wednesday, President Obama stunned the public in a press release admitting to decades of classified weather modification by the United States and promised to establish a permanent international independent oversight committee.
President Obama shocked the world with candid words, “Hundreds of countries are carrying out weather modification programs, and we’re doing it better than any of them. However, this has been secret for too long. The American People need to know about what we do to make sure our children have something to eat each and every year. It’s true we need more oversight for geoengineering projects, so I’ve signed an executive order establishing an international third party oversight group to not only investigate for abuse but also to keep the public informed about new and existing geoengineering programs.”
President Obama addressed the tough topic head-on, building a strong case for the weather modification programs while refuting concerns from activists, saying, “Geoengineering is necessary for our country’s agricultural industries and keeps millions of Americans employed every year. Our efforts in high altitude microwave technology at HAARP combined with the innovations in cloud seeding technology introduced by the jet fuel industry gives the American People a level of control over the elements unprecedented in the history of mankind. American Scientists are quickly approaching capabilities which will not only curb global climate change, but also to put an end to disastrous hurricanes and typhoons. For decades these programs have been kept secret out of concern for national security, but I have decided there is no need to keep this program a secret. Sensational reports that the United States will exist in a ‘bubble’ as the rest of the world heats up uncontrollably have no basis in scientific fact.”
BOSTON — Tuesday, hundreds of residents saw a glowing halo of yellow light float over Cape Cod before descending and encircling the monument in Pilgrim State Park at the site of Plymouth Rock. In an “incredible flash,” witnesses then saw the light disappear “into the stars,” and found Plymouth Rock missing from its rightful place. Nothing was left but a white residue that scientists are still analyzing.
Hank Wellsworth, head of the State Park’s custodial staff, witnessed the strange event from just outside the monument and tearfully told reporters, “They’re jealous of our great nation, and like us they know the end is coming for this planet, so they took the one thing that means the most to us.”
More skeptical witnesses were baffled and refused to comment, but President Obama ordered increased guard over other national treasures from the Liberty Bell to Ernest Hemingway’s polydactyl cats. The president also increased Air Force patrols of American air space and elevated the terror threat level to maximum. At an emergency press conference, White House Press Secretary Jay Carny told terrified reporters, “We’re not sure it was an alien attack, but the capabilities displayed by the lights and analysis of radar data points towards a military power thousands of years advanced beyond anything previously known.”
REDDIT — With little or no effort to improve his physique, confidence, or any other aspect of his person for women — as so many alphas have labored at for years — Charles Manson attracted a harem of women who would murder for him. How did he do this, seemingly in contradiction to all Red Pill Theory?
Manson, a slight, strange, and even ugly man, did not impress his “hard” harem of women with muscles or boisterous and confident behavior, but instead initiated a storytelling tradition and wrote songs which both attracted women and tied them to him with such strong emotions that several members of his harem have weathered traumatic murder sprees, decades of separation, and even long-term solitary confinement and would return to his bed if given the chance — or even continue to murder at his command!
Through mastery of song, storytelling, and psychonautic bonding through LSD, Manson cultivated a value system which placed himself at the center of not only the women’s lives, but of their subjective realities. His power was such that it extended even into the realm of other alphas who were glad to be granted limited access to his harem in return for alpha services, such as threatening or even murdering Manson’s enemies. These men were no betas, but tough and confident alphas — and all of this is only scratching the surface of reasons why Manson went far beyond alpha.
If Manson’s practices were to be brought under one umbrella term, a beyond alpha’s ‘game’ might be called storytelling, or ‘cult game’ as some have suggested. However, a beyond alpha is not ‘gaming’ in any sense, but rather creating an inspiring vision of love. Here, telling stories and mastering musical instruments is the beyond alpha’s version of weight lifting or practicing confident pick up lines.The only alteration to appearance necessary for the beyond alpha might be growth of an excessively large beard, which likens the beyond alpha to great philosophers and prophets rather than muscle-bound athletes, field hands, or steroid junkies.
The beyond alpha does not approach women or even participate in the sexual market, but rather sets up his own system, his own market. Women approach him with knowledge of the rules of his particular creation because they have been influenced, and more importantly inspired, by his stories and songs. For the beyond alpha, every woman who seeks him out is by definition a Unicorn. However, and this is important, the beyond alpha exerts zero energy in attracting or approaching women — all his energy is spent on inspiring those around him with poetry and art.
Not every man can aspire to go beyond alpha, and in fact very few can. However, the lessons from beyond alphas such as Muhammed, Jesus, Raël, Manson, and others is clear: The reality revealed when you take the Red Pill is one that is made of clay — it can be altered. Any woman can become a Unicorn if you are able to inspire her. The sexual market and everything that comes with the Red Pill ideology is rooted in a common reality as revealed by the red pill, the “natural attitude,” but the beyond alpha does not submit even to this. He constructs his own reality, and as women flock to him he transforms them into loyal Unicorns. With this incredible power, the beyond alpha can even begin to subjugate other men.
VATICAN — Minister of hate Pope Benedict 111th ruled out the possibility of life after his reign, as prophecied by Malachy the dissident Catholic, whose insidious doctrine turned more than 800 million people against their faith, and toward Communism. Eastern Mythologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour attributes the collapse of known civilization to Malachy’s Prophecy, a contrived series of events so true, you won’t believe what Pope Francis – or Peter – does next.
Dr. Troubadour explains
From the Depths of Hippie Hell sprang forth Pope Francis, “whose daily headline-grabbing antics leave in their wake an insatiable hole for festering human torment. Behind [Francis] lay victims – victims of his insanity and loss of innocence, victims of desire, victims of ruthless geopolitical gain… Victims, as Malachy puts, of ourselves.” Pope Peter will feed all of his flock and he will be the last Pope as the world burns from the resulting global warming.Global warming, created primarily by the insidious competing ideologies of Communism and Capitalism undercut the church just as Malachy predicted.
Watch closely, she’s doing the tongue thing, a seductive, Satanic, and demonic trick of the Devil’s that has been used by Miley Cyrus. This happens when young women are possessed. Now little children, 8 years old and 12 years old, are getting involved with twerking, which is a form of pagan worship. Her hair was done up in devil horns at her MTV video awards performance. Hidden in plain sight, these tongues are an invocation to Kali, the false Hindu idol. Miley’s body has been violated with pagan tattoos such as the “om” symbol from Eastern religions and the “evil eye” from Islam.
INTERNET —Old Brutus from chronicle.su Lebal Drocer, Inc. Hate Radio® brings you the sharpest, most scathing review to date of the “vanilla cream” variant of Soda Shaq™. Old Brutus® describes Soda Shaq™ as “a nutritious, all natural health soda offered exclusively by white-owned 7-Eleven® stores.”
Old Brutus said he would like to remind his viewers that he is in no way affiliated with the Internet at large, and added that he thinks the Web is little more than an instrument of terror used by the United States™ Government to instill fear into the hearts of dissident authors.
“The Internet, and that whole thing, I don’t know, man,” Old Brutus® explained. “Once you really think about it, it’s all the same, real life and the Internet, except in real life dissent has far fewer consequences.”
In his third and possibly final review of Soda Shaq, Old Brutus again invoked the spirit of – and infringed upon the copyright to – Joey’s World Tour™ to bring the sale home to the gang®.
This review is wholeheartedly endorsed by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
INTERNET — Behind the thin veneer of Barrett Brown, the heroic poster boy from Anonymous who is facing a century in prison “simply for sharing a link,” there is an untold story of a man broken, in part, by his own treacherous words.
Instances in which Brown acted as a spokesperson for a group of hackers who conducted operations on an IRC site called ‘AnonOps’ exist. Or they at least seem to exist, even after Brown announced his retirement! Brown told Vice, from prison, “Even now, in prison I’m not [spokesperson for Anonymous]. For two years now I’ve denied that publicly. Every time I’m asked, it turns out that I’m not.” Brown’s reporting is so finely attuned to to the truth, even from prison, it seems fit only for the distinguished and infallible Internet Chronicle.
Brown was advocate for a shard of something that called itself Anonymous, and that much can at least be said with certainty. Brown’s corner of Anonymous was a tightly (or loosely) knit group of hackers (and others) on one particular network, which spoke with a voice which was identified as Anonymous. AnonOps IRC was an environment which through its very architecture bore its own particular organization and cultural expectations, as opposed to the extremely libertarian, minimalist restrictions of /b/ (Don’t click)). This distinct difference between core values of /b/ and those in AnonOps certainly find some overlap, especially when stated, but these are two separate worlds in practice (more here).
The cancer that is /b/ emanates through its own hegemonic humor hate machine, but the emphasis on anonymity — this eponymous ideology is one the culture luckily stumbled upon which protects their humor from sinking to the level of guys like me — is such that virtually nobody other than Boxxy uses a pseudonym and gets away with it for very long. The kind of conversation that takes place on /b/ is nearly entirely devoted to generating novel emotional responses through diverse media, despite being unfortunately called an “imageboard.” Scary storytelling traditions (creepypasta), serious texts that seem real but suddenly end with a gag (another kind of copypasta), and greentext (a unique genre of prosey-poetry mishmash) among other more opaque traditions and alternate reality games are just the beginning to the treasure trove of original content which, of course, leaks out from /b/ on a regular basis. The pranks of /b/ were delivered under the auspices of an ever-changing figure which assumed the name of each and every participant. Anonymous was one out of the multitude, an archetypal trickster, a comic book madman a la DeadPool, and a living god (perhaps converting one (more than one) would-be spinoff prophet into a monistic manic arrested for threatening police with the All Life Is One mind virus).
This Anonymous was not the Anonymous of resistance to power and not the Anonymous Barrett Brown defended or represented to the press. His Anonymous was the Guy Fawkes clad multitude, individuals with masks and scary computer skills — almost as scary as the NSA, and eternally at war with it. There’s no telling how deeply unfair this characterization may be, or “who Brown really was,” but he stated these things, seemingly, in his own words. Barrett Brown’s piece, Yes, you should join Anonymous points parties interested in “joining” Anonymous towards AnonOps and makes no mention of /b/ — the plea seems to be a discussion of an Anonymous very far removed from the Anonymous of /b/. Arguably, the Anonymous of /b/ is not even one that can be “joined,” it is many voices in one — massively shared being (it’s naughty stuff).
I was contacted by Brown after a reporter at the Internet Chronicle identified only as “lowercase anonymous” wrote a response to Yes, you should join Anonymous. Brown hotly assumed I’d written the response, which was ominously titled BARRETT BROWN LEADS ANONYMOUS INTO CERTAIN DOOM, but I gave Brown’s number to anonymous so he could fume into the proper receptacle. In the phone call, Brown spewed bigoted slurs with no air of 4chan’s playful bent and told anonymous, “you’re not Anonymous, sweetheart.” Brown mocked the concerns anonymous shared about the NSA’s extensive espionage, calling the concerns “nuts,” and also employed a version of the “nothing to hide” argument that has been framed as a “myth” (lie) and “debunked” at least twenty-seven times since Snowden’s first revelation. How could someone so deep into research of government cyberwar contractors have that kind of an attitude?
AntiSec, a rebranded “serious” version of LulzSec — this transition itself is something like a microcosmic flash of the great divide between /b/ and AnonOps — fell to the lead of hacker Sabu, who very quickly fell into the grateful hands of the FBI. It may be impossible to know the extent to which such outrageous things as the targeting of journalists was influenced by Sabu’s FBI handlers, but there was a marked change in attitude that seemed to agree with Barrett Brown and many others. The choice of government targets was inspiring in its audacity.
On Christmas Eve of 2011, AnonOps dumped a database containing potentially sensitive information on Stratfor subscribers, many of them journalists who subscribed to its popular publication as an important source for their work. This information was then used in a free-for-all by frenzied hackers who gleefully made “donations” to several charities using money stolen from average-joe journalists. Again, there is no telling how much of this was influenced by the FBI. After a widely-circulated Emergency Christmas Press Release pastebin denied that these attacks were the work of Anonymous (and presciently called Sabu out as an agent provocateur), Zoe Fox of CNN wrote, “A press release is circulating, saying that the Stratfor hack is not the work of Anonymous. However, it is difficult to tell who is correct.”
After news broke that Sabu had long been working for the FBI, Brown seemed to enter a painful tailspin in a whirlwind of his own treacherous words and intravenously injected oral heroin substitutes. When the FBI confiscated his laptop, Brown no longer defended the Stratfor Christmas Eve credit card thefts he had earlier backed away from (but not without trumpeting an “amoral dictate”). Even still, Brown weakly dismissed the carding of innocents as “unnecessary,” only hinting at the possibility of a set of scruples which might possibly forbid wanton and arbitrary theft.
Brown wrote of a list of topics of information the FBI sought in his laptop, “I am happy to post this list as it contains the names of two firms – HBGary and Endgame Systems – which I will now have particular opportunity to discuss, in a more public setting, as this matter proceeds.”
Brown’s latest musings on his hatred for reality television and old literature can be found on Vice and other publications, and much like the Internet Chronicle, this type of stuff is best read as incisive and sarcastic commentary from a freedom fighting hero and not the ravings of a bigot with a mouth much larger than his brain.
Americans gathered around their televisions Friday, satisfied, because even between commercial breaks, some say they are continuously entertained “by the war.”
American Emily Jessup, 23, said a broken nation of war can be a good thing. It can even be fun, she said.
“We can finally reap the spoils of war – even a losing one!” Jessup said. Jessup and four friends discussed the war Wednesday after a long and painful evening of ‘hanging out.’
“Aw, we was just hanging out,” Jessup explained. “Hanging out’s just a good old however-long session of silently staring into smart phones, watching the reality TV show Catfish on Netflix.
I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.
Gerald Samberg, former reality television enthusiast, first had the idea to discuss war during what was undoubtedly an agonizing reappraisal of his own sexual market value.
Samberg said, “I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.”
America – the war about nothing
Social media critic and behaviorist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador hailed the war as “the perfect topic for discussion, anytime.” He added, “Even if you don’t know what to talk about, you can always just talk about the war. May the loudest opinion win!”
“The war has given us so much… to talk about,” Samberg said. “I’m shocked I even used to watch that old reality television. It just bores me now, and I can’t think about anything but this new ‘reality TV’ called war.”
Jeremy Thornton, another friend in Samberg’s group set, said he is good with activities that don’t require human interaction. Thornton said he enjoys masturbation and videogames, but when it comes to “smalltalk,” he just can’t cope.
“I can look at Redtube.com for six hours straight,” Jeremy said, “but you put me around people and my mouth gets all whiskey-dick. I just can’t talk to people. It’s awful. But then I remember we’re a nation at war, and I’m happy again.”
Billy Bell “Ray” Thornton, Jeremy’s younger brother and emotional punching bag, added, “Our Grandpa died in the war, shot down by the slopes – Pacific Theater. I never really understood it, but now I’m getting it. Grandpa didn’t die in vain. I like to think Grandpa died for a cause, afterall. Grandpa died so we’d have something to talk about, didn’t he?”
Later, Billy Bell Ray said the war helps him feel better about himself. Other members of their friend group agreed that the war makes them feel better about themselves in general, and that they were willing to talk about it made them deeper, more thoughtful and intelligent people.
And it does.
The War™ is brought to you gloriously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.