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The New Sabu: FBI says #ObamaSec informants behind Lizard Squad attack on Sony, Microsoft

LizardMafia #OFFLINEIn a shocking, but not unprecedented Christmas day network attack, it is difficult to determine just who, in this winter story, is the real Grinch. However, new testimony from an anonymous FBI source under the pseudonym Robert Smith suggests informants are once again behind another round of malicious attacks on corporate America, with the same goal of subjugating and disrupting yet another rogue group of well-meaning winter break hackers.

While a member of LizardMafia – or Lizard Squad as they are also known – told Microsoft their latest attack was designed to encourage better network security for their popular online gaming platform XBOX Live, and for the Sony Playstation Network, by offering free Christmas stress-tests in the form of DDoS attack, FBI communications appear to indicate they already have someone on the inside, inciting the group to stop doing things “for the lulz” and to instead take up “a real cause,” their Christmas attack being the first of more to come. The group claimed they are able to harm the world economy by disabling the NASDAQ. Smith said their informant knows the identities of core players in the group, which could be used to control the group’s behavior in the near future.

lizardmafia

Smith said the FBI calls their mole a “high ranking” decision-maker for the group, and have indicated that by changing the group’s trajectory from comic mischief to corporate sabotage, he has steered the LizardMafia right into their legal jurisdiction.

The person authorities are calling the ‘new Sabu’ belongs to ObamaSec, the elite, patriotic hacker group which claimed responsibility for the attack on North Korea’s Internet – a story whose newsworthiness was owed both to the takedown, and existence of, DPRK net infrastructure. Sabu II, Electric Boogaloo negotiated directly with Kim Dotcom, a known gamer.

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Kim Dotcom has announced his own heroism after allegedly buying the group off. For now, the LizardMafia has accepted a ransom of 5,000 lifetime memberships to Kim Dotcom’s new, old file sharing service, Megaupload. If the attacks return, however, their agreement with Dotcom becomes invalid, and they will no longer be able to host and share files on his premium website.

Watch DDoS attacks unfold live on http://map.ipviking.com/

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News

Why North Korea Was Behind the Sony Hack, for Silly Heads!

What a prick.
What a prick.

1. The Computer Virus was Programmed in ‘Oriental’ – OK, I’m no expert in Chinese, Japanese, Cantenese or English, but I know what North Korean programming looks like when I see it. After reviewing the source code and reading the emails, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a purely North Korean mission. Now’s the time to ask yourself, do you know what North Korean programming looks like? Doubt it.

2. “The Assassination” wasn’t even that good – I know what you’re all thinking: “Alright, now she’s gone too far.” Well, I haven’t. It’s Canadian and therefore, by virtue, completely UnAmerican. Sony owed Joe Frasier a favor for helping them cover up the creation of the greatest game of all time.

3. Paul “isn’t” dead – Do you remember the first The Beatles song you ever heard? Do you remember it backwards? Experts say you are 10 times more likely to believe DPRK did Sony if you remember your first The Beatles song backwards than you do forwards. Keep that in mind next time you put on the “Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs” album.

5. Chandler Bing was only speaking in metaphors – Throughout the entirety of S02E07 and S04E03. If taken Literally, one may believe that Chandler really wanted to have sex with Monica, however he instead spun us through a North Korean ‘Virtual’ Mind Maze of Ruby version management. He foresaw the future, which is a lot less than we can say for Yukihiro Matsumoto, who chose to betray Rachel(Perl) and buddy up with Joey(stupid fucking spec folders in Ruby, who cares), the fallout being catastrophic, resulting in the whole gang going to prison for violating the Good Samaritan Law.

All five points lead directly to eternal hell and damnation. No… there mustn’t be any melancholy. This is America. This is Christmas.

This is War.

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News

Jack Black Dead at 45

Jack Black is Dead
Jack Black is Dead

HOLLYWOOD — Jack Black, comedic actor, died Monday evening after suffering a severe stroke at the age of 45. Fans mourn the loss of Jack Black and suspect his death was related to overindulgence in candy over several decades.

Black was rumored to have rented out a candy store where he was granted 24-hour permission to do anything he wanted inside. Fans said Black drew the shades, and emerged in the middle of the night, unable to speak or see. He died shortly thereafter.

Black’s estate will be disbursed and charitably donated to SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence.