The New Sabu: FBI says #ObamaSec informants behind Lizard Squad attack on Sony, Microsoft

LizardMafia #OFFLINE

LizardMafia #OFFLINEIn a shocking, but not unprecedented Christmas day network attack, it is difficult to determine just who, in this winter story, is the real Grinch. However, new testimony from an anonymous FBI source under the pseudonym Robert Smith suggests informants are once again behind another round of malicious attacks on corporate America, with the same goal of subjugating and disrupting yet another rogue group of well-meaning winter break hackers.

While a member of LizardMafia – or Lizard Squad as they are also known – told Microsoft their latest attack was designed to encourage better network security for their popular online gaming platform XBOX Live, and for the Sony Playstation Network, by offering free Christmas stress-tests in the form of DDoS attack, FBI communications appear to indicate they already have someone on the inside, inciting the group to stop doing things “for the lulz” and to instead take up “a real cause,” their Christmas attack being the first of more to come. The group claimed they are able to harm the world economy by disabling the NASDAQ. Smith said their informant knows the identities of core players in the group, which could be used to control the group’s behavior in the near future.

lizardmafia

Smith said the FBI calls their mole a “high ranking” decision-maker for the group, and have indicated that by changing the group’s trajectory from comic mischief to corporate sabotage, he has steered the LizardMafia right into their legal jurisdiction.

The person authorities are calling the ‘new Sabu’ belongs to ObamaSec, the elite, patriotic hacker group which claimed responsibility for the attack on North Korea’s Internet – a story whose newsworthiness was owed both to the takedown, and existence of, DPRK net infrastructure. Sabu II, Electric Boogaloo negotiated directly with Kim Dotcom, a known gamer.

kim-dotcom-DM-lizard-mafia

Kim Dotcom has announced his own heroism after allegedly buying the group off. For now, the LizardMafia has accepted a ransom of 5,000 lifetime memberships to Kim Dotcom’s new, old file sharing service, Megaupload. If the attacks return, however, their agreement with Dotcom becomes invalid, and they will no longer be able to host and share files on his premium website.

Watch DDoS attacks unfold live on http://map.ipviking.com/

Why North Korea Was Behind the Sony Hack, for Silly Heads!

What a prick.
What a prick.

1. The Computer Virus was Programmed in ‘Oriental’ – OK, I’m no expert in Chinese, Japanese, Cantenese or English, but I know what North Korean programming looks like when I see it. After reviewing the source code and reading the emails, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a purely North Korean mission. Now’s the time to ask yourself, do you know what North Korean programming looks like? Doubt it.

2. “The Assassination” wasn’t even that good – I know what you’re all thinking: “Alright, now she’s gone too far.” Well, I haven’t. It’s Canadian and therefore, by virtue, completely UnAmerican. Sony owed Joe Frasier a favor for helping them cover up the creation of the greatest game of all time.

3. Paul “isn’t” dead – Do you remember the first The Beatles song you ever heard? Do you remember it backwards? Experts say you are 10 times more likely to believe DPRK did Sony if you remember your first The Beatles song backwards than you do forwards. Keep that in mind next time you put on the “Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs” album.

5. Chandler Bing was only speaking in metaphors – Throughout the entirety of S02E07 and S04E03. If taken Literally, one may believe that Chandler really wanted to have sex with Monica, however he instead spun us through a North Korean ‘Virtual’ Mind Maze of Ruby version management. He foresaw the future, which is a lot less than we can say for Yukihiro Matsumoto, who chose to betray Rachel(Perl) and buddy up with Joey(stupid fucking spec folders in Ruby, who cares), the fallout being catastrophic, resulting in the whole gang going to prison for violating the Good Samaritan Law.

All five points lead directly to eternal hell and damnation. No… there mustn’t be any melancholy. This is America. This is Christmas.

This is War.

Jack Black Dead at 45

Jack Black is Dead
Jack Black is Dead

HOLLYWOOD — Jack Black, comedic actor, died Monday evening after suffering a severe stroke at the age of 45. Fans mourn the loss of Jack Black and suspect his death was related to overindulgence in candy over several decades.

Black was rumored to have rented out a candy store where he was granted 24-hour permission to do anything he wanted inside. Fans said Black drew the shades, and emerged in the middle of the night, unable to speak or see. He died shortly thereafter.

Black’s estate will be disbursed and charitably donated to SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence.

Sony insider says US Gov’t financed ‘The Interview’ production

Dear Leader
Sony source says US Government financed Hollywood flop film 'The Interview'
Sony source says US Government financed Hollywood flop film ‘The Interview’

In a sudden and perfunctory turn of events, information obtained from a high-ranking source inside Sony appears to corroborate allegations made by North Korean leadership, saying that the US Government may have played a “large role” in financing the James Franco-Seth Rogen Hollywood shovel-film “The Interview.”

The source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the government knew North Korea’s plans for a free, public internet were underway before production of the film began. The film’s release would have coincided with the completion of a North Korean internet infrastructure, he said, threatening Kim Jong Un’s nationwide reputation of benevolence and invincibility.

Our source said invoices paid out to Sony were repeatedly stamped with a signature Department of Defense seal and label. The sources said one document was even notarized by a certified California notary.

In the wake of the scandal, the Supreme Leader of North Korea has once again threatened to go to war on the United States after publishing their own official accusations that the government singlehandedly created the film. Un said the US Government created “The Interview” to discredit his benevolent regime, and build public support around a DDoS attack on the free, public internet infrastructure he graciously provided to his people.

The official website of the DPRK published a second denial of their involvement in the attack on Sony’s hilariously underprotected servers. However, in a separate interview, a source inside Sony said the nature of the attack suggests the breach must have come “from within,” adding that the attack would have to be an inside job because of the security system’s reliance on biometrics before access to any information would be made available – even to a hacker – encrypted or otherwise.

The Sony hack very likely was an inside job.

Sony insider

“The DPRK has already launched the toughest counteraction. Nothing is more serious miscalculation than guessing that just a single movie production company is the target of this counteraction. Our target is all the citadels of the US imperialists who earned the bitterest grudge of all Koreans.

Kim Jong Un said his “robust” army of 1.2 million “bloodthirsty” warriors is chomping at the bit to attack the monolithic institutions dictating American hegemony, but Sony is fortunately not on that list.

China, an all-too-poignant mediator in the dispute, described the hacking as “unfortunate,” adding that a digital security breach is a serious issue (they should know), but later said “The Interview” was “tasteless” and “nothing to be proud of.” Considering the movie is a late-2014 rushed-to-Christmas meme-generator acted out by an aging, same-character-in-every-movie Seth Rogen, China is probably not far off the mark. Sony now seems to acknowledge the film is so unwatchable they are refusing to even sully their own Crackle video streaming site with it.

Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un’s internet throughout North Korea is in disarray, and a radical activist group is threatening to airdrop DVDs of “The Interview” on the hungry, destitute and impoverished people of Pyongyang. Perhaps they could drop some food and water, too – and while they’re at it – a DVD player.

Anonymous, led from a federal prison by Barrett Brown, are also threatening to release the film by Christmas if Sony does not.

ObamaSec hackers take credit for attack on North Korea

Visualization of ObamaSec's cyberwar attack on North Korea
Visualization of ObamaSec’s cyberwar on North Korea

INTERNET — A previously unknown hacker group, ObamaSec (short for Obama Security), posted a press release Monday taking credit for downing North Korea’s internet infrastructure in retaliation for their hack of Sony pictures. The release stated, “Proud American citizens were denied their right to a comedic and economy stimulating movie, and this is an intolerable act of aggression.” ObamaSec added, “At least 9,000 jobs have been lost as a result of North Korea’s all-out offensive on Sony Pictures,” and ObamaSec promised to keep North Korea offline until they released South Korean Starcraft star Taeja. EDIT: Taeja has confirmed he is not, in fact, in North Korean Custody.

In the release entitled, “North Korea Gets Barekt,” patriotic American hackers led by the notorious computer savant, th3j35t3r, also gloated over their defeat of North Korean “savages.” Using a sophisticated tool known only as XerXes, ObamaSec was able to overload the memory circuits of computers responsible for controlling the data flow in and out of the pariah nation.

ObamaSec hacker th3j35t3r has a history of right wing ideology and may be using the president’s name as an ironic jab at Obama’s intransigence to the North Korean attack on America. As is common in press releases from hackers, ObamaSec’s statements cannot be taken at face value as they are generally loaded with a hefty dose of trolling. Hacker expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “It is quite likely that ObamaSec is a front organization for the US government or one of its allies, so that no one has to take credit for the attack.”

 

Sony plans to release CIA ‘Torture Report’ on Crackle for free

President Barack Obama encouraged Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with each portion of bread.

Washington, D.C. — As US President Barack Hussein Obama renews some meaningless vow to close down the Guantanamo Bay Cab Driver Spa and Resort, Sony has doubled down their criticisms of the president by offering to release the CIA Torture Report, which contains graphics depictions of torture and rape, for free on Crackle, their in-house streaming service.

President Barack Obama encouraged Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with each portion of bread.
President Barack Obama encouraged Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with each portion of bread.

The torture report, entitled “The Interview,” explains the methodology of extracting sensitive information from unwilling participants. If a subject won’t talk, for example, raping him with hard green vegetables offers a ready solution to tight lips, according to the document.

Following Obama’s decision to downplay the role of torture in American foreign policy, Sony executives criticized the president for being “intimidated by these kind of criminal attacks.” Torture is a protected form of free speech, Sony said, and the president should not be discouraged by “faggoty” leftist attacks on American freedom.

Obama said he was fine with torture, but only vowed to close Guantanamo when he thought that’s what people wanted to hear.

“We tortured some folks,” Obama said. “I used to think that was bad. But if you really think about it, James Clapper is like a patriotic Santa Claus. Our brave team of CIA torture artists are like his elves. But instead of milk and cookies this year, if you’re a terrorist, you might consider leaving out a zucchini and – if you know what’s good for you – a big old bottle of water-based lube.”

Obama later told Americans to go to the movies.

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Intellectual man accuses Anonymous of sexism

This young woman's gender has been wiped away by the Guy Fawkes mask and turned totally androgynous.
This young woman’s gender has been wiped away by the Guy Fawkes mask and turned totally androgynous.

INTERNET — At The Strand book store in New York, artist Molly Crabapple asked questions of Biella Coleman, author of Hacker, Hoaxer, Whistleblower, Spy: The Story of Anonymous, but when she was done asking questions a haughty and verbose man from Saint Francis College stood up to ask the question of a lifetime, exaggeratedly mocking the know-it-all modality employed by academia: “You showed a forum post on 4chan . . . that featured you being banned over exposing your studies on the organization. And they gave you titles . . . [which] seemed very androgynous . . . Do you think it’s in that androgynous point of view where men have always been on the internet whereas women are coming into the fold and so on and so forth — addressing that trope, that sort of taboo?” The word androgynous rolled off his tongue gleefully and he snarled while emphasizing the word taboo, and the friction in the room at the moment of impact could’ve burnt down at least ten barns full of priceless antiques.

“Oh, you mean sexist?” Biella Coleman neutered the Reptilian GamerGator on the spot, and a moment of raucous laughter somehow occurred at the tense interview. Even Molly Crabapple, gripping her gigantic leather chair and rigidly extending her spine emitted a small, tender sound of joy.