Jesco White was on a super double high.
“I was on a super double high.”

This is the shittiest website I have ever seen. What happened to the categories, did you get tired of having something people could actually relate to?

News, Sports, Weather and Reviews were just too much like something regular people were used to seeing so we got rid of that, because this is a terrible website you would never, ever want to read. EVER. Our advertisers have made this clear by reducing monthly funding to a paralyzing trickle.

Let me make this perfectly clear: The Internet Chronicle is a stain on the Internet: a cancerous, oily rag containing nothing but the kind of conspiratorial nonsense with which the sane would not dare pollute their pure, precious blood. Reading is like smoking cigarettes dipped in formaldehyde.

Do you know who used to read Miley Cyrus read The Internet Chronicle back in 2008 and look what happened to her. But it was never about Miley, was it? It was about us, and what The Internet has done to our rotten brains.

I know from kilgoar, because I witnessed it personally, he might appear to be a broken, melted down mutant of a person. Barely a man anymore, kilgoar is however what we might call a “transhuman” whose personality has been transferred to a row of helium-cooled supercomputers located at an abandoned signal station in Povarovo, Russia. Kilgoar’s healthier than ever, though, and this is really not cause for concern. He is, afterall, a pretty good old boy. Just a regular dude like you or me, or the president.

This website is a despicable abomination, an affront to everything the human race has achieved up till now. The Chronicle’s insistence on hatred as a form of appreciation, progress, love, and explanation for the Internet is downright contradictory and a damn lie. The Internet Chronicle is cancer. They built Anonymous. They are the government. CHRONICLE.SU IS RUN BY SPOOKS! GOVERNMENT-FOR-HIRE FALLBOYS. The Internet Chronicle is a rotten abscess on humanity. Delete it.

Turn away, there is nothing positive here. Go back to Facebook and say hello to your fucking families for me.

Barrett Brown expresses support for Weev fundraising effort

Barrett Brown called the to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.
Barrett Brown called the to express his enthusiasm for Weev’s fundraising campaign.

With limited access to Internet, Barrett Brown still gets the news, albeit a little slowly.

“I think what Weev is working toward is really good,” Brown said from his mobile prison cell, an advanced diesel therapy treatment facility. “I saw him on my delayed TV report and I have to say I am proud of him. He’s doing important work and I hope his financial backers fulfill the hedge fund he’s setting up for himself, so he can take care of us all.”

Brown, a pretty good old boy himself, has written hilarious storie for The Onion we have never seen, and boring tirades everyone has seen for Vanity Fair and Vice.

Brown, a passionate blogger at The Internet Chronicle, left the following statement to supporters in his mother’s dishwasher:

Hello, I’m Texas reporter Barrett Brown, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc any day. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].

Barrett “Barry” Brown, Project Persona MGMT

Brown said Weev’s tireless efforts, as well as the consistent and quality work put out by Rachel Haywire, are critical to his personal success and the success and profitability of his entire organization, entitled Project PM.

Brown’s continuing relevance rests squarely on the shoulders of heroes like journalists kilgoar, hatesec, asshurtmacfags and Presstorm alumni.

“Your basic summernazis are part of the socialist threat of the Obama administration and his bottomless thirst for white souls,” Barry passionately dictated from his mobile prison cell. “I have faith in Weev’s ability to contain this threat and use his new money to show people we’re not just a bunch of nazis looking for a keyhole to inject hate into the information security narrative. Like I said, I get my news about 9 months later than everyone else but I really think this is going to pan out. I think Rand Paul has a chance.”

Andrew Aurenheimer, the hacker known as ‘Weev’, assists ISIS and CyberCaliphate in “destruction of Israel”

An unlikely alliance? Neo-nazi internet troll 'Weev' is now advising ISIS in propaganda operations.
An unlikely alliance? Neo-nazi internet troll ‘Weev’ is now advising ISIS in propaganda operations.

LEBANON — Andrew Aurenhemier, also known as Weev, announced via twitter on Saturday that he’s joined ISIS to help in the fight against Israel. He tweeted, “There is only one hope left for the destruction of Israel and the protection of the white race. Da3sh [ISIS] . . . I am now working closely in advising both the CyberCaliphate hacking group and Da3sh leaders in viral propaganda operations.”

Weev is famous in the world of online trolling both for abusing vulnerable women and advocating for incest to save the so-called “white race.” Analysts have not expressed surprise, as the move to assist ISIS is in line with his violent brand of anti-semitism.

After serving two years in prison under trumped up hacking charges, Weev fled the US and now shelters in a christian enclave in Lebanon where he claims to no longer fear retaliation from the US government. According to Weev, the US government has even convinced his family members to fake terminal illnesses in an attempt to lure him back into their jurisdiction.

Weev’s former supporter and famed activist-artist, Mally Crobopple, expressed dismay at the news, “When I learned he was an actual Nazi, the ride-or-die love died in me. Now that I know he’s an actual terrorist who doesn’t just advocate for terror bombings but assists in them, I mean actually assists in them, I finally have to speak out. I wish I’d never supported Weev.”

Aliens are posting the truth on the Internet!


It's not even like true remnants of previous Grey inhabitants of Earth don't exist. This is my great grandpa, who died on earth in Egyptian times while working on the pyramids. Now some human posts pictures of his bones on the internet. You people are sick.
It’s not even like true remnants of previous Grey inhabitants of Earth don’t exist. This is my great grandpa, who died on earth in Egyptian times while working on the pyramids. Now some human posts pictures of his bones on the internet. Pretty cool.

I am an Alien writing this right now. Humans know my species through racial memory as a ‘Gray’, but I am one of the first to orbit Earth in over 2,000 years. None of my party has stepped foot on Earth, and we don’t even care to.

I am from Nubula, a city 44 and a half lightyears away. That is a long way even for an Alien to travel. You might even think it was a punishment.

We’re the only aliens on the internet. When we look at Earth from the dark matter anchored orbit where no human would ever think to look, we see all of the internet glowing into our pure neutron eyes. But we experience it something like you might experience music, our “ears” drawn to the mysteries of the dispersed and beautiful encryptions, especially emanating from Tor nodes. They are of course only good for the puzzle in disentangling them, which happens almost instantly in our bio-quantum brains. These secrets are themselves boring, but sometimes, very rarely, while we’re twiddling our mental thumbs decrypting it all, something makes us laugh. And that is when we begin to interfere in human affairs.

Honestly, we’d much rather be monitoring and interfering with almost any other planet’s internet, but sometimes you gotta move out to the middle of nowhere to make a decent living.


The False Choice of American Politics: The Socialist Party of America website is useless and ugly

Terror Rally ends in glorious victory

Bernie SandersWashington, DC — The absolution of two-party control over American voters is so strong that actual voter fraud is neither necessary nor would it even be detectable if such a need were to arise.

The Socialist Party of America is suspiciously ugly. When compared to the Democratic and Grand Old Party party websites, the Socialist website seems intentionally bad, like they don’t want to have a modern image.

Of course, looks aren’t everything. It would be excusable if, like the Vice website used to be, the portal was ugly but the work was good, or the representatives existed. However, there is nothing on the Socialist Party USA website to suggest their power extends beyond three shitty state-level representatives, one in New Jersey, New York and some state out west.

On the other hand, the site of Democratic Socialists of America looks new, focused and poised to attack. Democratic socialism is a logical response to the money-crazed fanaticism of Democrats and Republicans, as it seeks to maintain the fundamental basis of capitalism with greater controls of worker rights, adherence to 40-hour work weeks and weekends, and free healthcare. Unfortunately, they’ve already sold themselves out to a very popular and charismatic centrist. The third page on their site is a hashtag: #WeNeedBernie (do we?)

Watch the Twitter hashtag to see people falling for it.

Let’s pretend for a second like we need a career politician like oldguy Bernie Sanders. Yes, he’s “an Independent” but so is Jumpin’ Joe Lieberman, a notoriously corrupt piece of filth. More importantly, he is a career politician. Who remembers 2007 when we “needed” Barack Hussein Obama? Sure, we needed everything he claimed to offer – which, just hearing him utter controversial opinions was revolutionary, and America just had to see what would happen if he got in. He offered: transparency, ending wars for profit and ending mass surveillance. Instead, powermongering hatefiends belonging to the Obama administration read our emails and record citizens’ phone calls, forcing Facebook and Google to share our data with them, they instigate wars whose profiles exist only to refuel Arab hatred for the USA in order to feed the greed of Lockheed-Martin and Boeing, and his administration prosecutes more whistle-blowers than any president in US history. What the fuck!

So after the rising reasonable group of kids turned into adults and saw the extent to which career politicians lie, why are political parties in the US still exclusively Republican or Democratic? Both sides represent competing, high-level financial interests that don’t concern the majority, peppered with their own draconian versions of uncalled-for social controls, both sides offering solutions no one asked for to the weakest and least pressing problems Americans face, like gun control or abortion, two issues which are constitutionally laid out and don’t really need all the hate politicians continuously lay on it, at least not when the police are acting like rabid dogs and motherfuckers can’t find work outside of the new Wal-Mart that sprang up just outside city limits last year.

Political initiatives are so irrelevant and out-of-touch Bernie Sanders might as well introduce new regulations to curb animal waste downtown from overuse of the horse and carriage. How many more career politicians do you motherfuckers intend to vote for? Do #WeNeedBernie? Yeah, sure, #WeNeedBernie, according to the Democratic Socialists of America. It has been eight years since we heard somebody talking tough, saying all the shit we never thought we’d hear a politician say, and thankfully Bernie’s saying it. Here comes Obama II. We’ve had eight years to forget politicians are allowed to say whatever it takes to gain votes and get elected. It has been eight years of unchecked neoliberal corporate tyranny, enabled by Obama, facilitating modern-day indentured servitude in the form of stagnant, unsustainable wages, systematic rape of the land, usurping of environmental controls, and rampant police brutality, as well as the opportunity to witness the middle class lose access to medicine and treatments while paying more for their “insurance” at the same time. No thanks. Just give me the death panels. Put me on the death panels.

Neither the Republican nor Democratic party represents the average American, but by maintaining a relatively poor quality public discourse on American “news” outlets (propaganda holes) such as CNN, FOX News, MSNBC and local news outlets whose go-to primary sources are the police, both parties – our “only” choices – continue to maintain a mutually beneficial death grip on the populace. The absolution of their control over American voters is so strong that actual voter fraud is neither necessary nor would it even be detectable if such a need were to arise.

To hear straightforward, factual presentations of events, Americans turn to other countries’ news outlets such as The Guardian, Al Jazeera and BBC. To watch Al Jazeera or the BBC, however, Americans who have left cable TV behind are forced to use virtual private servers that make our Internet connections appear British, because authentic news stations like BBC and Al Jazeera – to remain sustainable – forged agreements with cable and satellite companies like Comcast, Cox and Dish Network to block American access to their Web content under the premise we will sign up for premium cable packages to gain access to the real news. But people are lazy and especially cheap. Shit like CNN and FOX is free because it’s shit. So it is very difficult to get honest video news in the US, which again makes it difficult to access other political ideologies since the big two control the media with more money every election cycle, a staggering monetary figure that continues to climb, going unchecked for some fucked up reason by the Federal Election Commission. In 2008, Americans spent $5.3 billion on federal elections to get a guy elected into a job that pays $400,000 per year. We here at The Internet Chronicle consider ourselves gambling men, so we know a rigged game when we see one.

“It’s rigged, bros!”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, CHRONICLE.SU Political Scientist

The Democrats vehemently deny their socialist ties as FOX News attacks them year after year. The hilarious irony is that they’re right. The Democrats are so far from socialism that an objective analyst from the height of the Cold War would swear they’re the good guys. If neoliberal Democrats are “leftist” then what the fuck is Germany’s Pirate Party, or François Hollande, or Canada, for that matter?

In other news, local TV news anchors look terrified of everything.


Middle Eastern powermongering lost its thrill, Saudi leaders say

abuse-of-powerSaudi bombing raids are no longer fun, King Abdullah, leader of the Saudi Arabian peninsula, said after a Saturday bombing raid on Yemen.

“We bombed a 1,200-year-old mosque, a 13th century castle in Yemen, we bombed Syria, and today we even saw Egypt’s president Morsi sentenced to death,” Abdullah said. “It’s just not doing it for me anymore.”

The United States noticed the Saudi reign of terror was lackluster at best, Abdullah said, which is why they recently brought the Saudis into their juicy arms ring – a gun circle where computer-controlled ballistics, state-of-the-art rifles, and hegemony software packages are traded to allies.

“We were able to more systematically destroy neighboring cultures but once you’ve seen the death of one people’s spirit, you’ve seen them all.”

‘Trigger Warnings’ added to VCU college acceptance paperwork

Richmond, Va. — Knowledge is power and it must be checked, according to gender studies undergraduates at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, Virginia who say the material to which the university has exposed them triggers PTSD relating to past incidences of vicious cyberbullying they have experienced in their lives.

The young womyn, who have asked not to be named because capital pronouns impose prejudice, say the “mental rape” they endure from their VCU education even violates the sanctity of the controversial and rarely cited Title IX anti-rape law that makes rape in a place of learning extra bad.

Humanity’s history of war, genocide and slavery challenge the precious and unique nature of VCU’s fragile, recovering victims of the patriarchy. And it could happen to you, says one womyn.

“I was raped by Troilus and Criseyde’s codependency,” the person said. “Criseyde lived under the patriarchy and Chaucer, whose name is the root word of chauvinism, killed Troilus just to make Criseyde look bad. She had no choice but to cheat on Troilus. The patriarchy cheated on itself, if you ask me.”

Snowden reveals secret Strategic Fracking office in Pentagon that “ignites volcanoes in communist countries”

This top secret slide shows earthquakes induced by strategic fracking in the US
This top secret slide shows earthquakes induced by strategic fracking.

INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden came forward with startling evidence linking recent volcanic eruptions and earthquakes in communist countires to the top secret Strategic Fracking office in the Pentagon. The US military, according to the documents, leverages fracking regulation to facilitate patterns that will harm communist nations in South America and Asia while preserving American security.

Snowden previously withheld the evidence because this leak endangers US security and other superpowers may join in the weaponized fracking, causing further escalation in seismic activity. However, Snowden believes that public outcry could put a stop to the tectonic arms race. He told reporters, “What they’re doing is a fairly standard extension of practical geology that uses the incidentally induced earthquakes from fracking first to predict and then to create effects on the other side of the planet. In simpler terms, fracking is carried out in a strategic pattern designed to ignite volcanoes in communist countries.”

Angstrom H. Troubador, Chairman of the US Geological Survey, resigned after the scandal broke. Troubador tweeted, “The Pentagon can take over USGS for all I care. I’m moving to Venzuela for the ash and lava burial I deserve.”

Anonymous hacker collective developing AI virus

Allison is a robotic artificial intelligence program existing inside computer viruses propagated by the hacking collective Anonymous
Allison is an artificial intelligent entity existing as computer viruses propagated by the hacking collective Anonymous

INTERNET — Chris Doyon AKA Commander X of the infamous hacker group Anonymous announced Thursday that Anonymous will be moving forward with plans to develop a military grade AI neural network dubbed Allison, its computation crowdsourced using a technology called OpenGrid. The public will be able to donate their computation to the project by downloading an app much like SETI at home.

Commander X first became a famed name in hacktivism after deploying botnets — tens of thousands of computers hijacked by a virus — in denial of service attacks on municipal government websites. Anonymous script kiddies, or low-rank hackers, told the media that these debilitating attacks were a kind of civil disobedience and protest, likening a piece of spamming software known as Low Orbit Ion Cannon to a virtual sit in. It was years before Commander X confessed to a shocked world that these sit-ins could have had no effect without the use of his network of virus-infected computers, making protesters unknowing accomplices in the harming of innocent collateral parties.

Barrett Brown, leader of Anonymous, spoke with the Internet Chronicle from his mobile prison on the highways of Texas, “Yeah X always keeps huge botnets. Fucking Faggot. Fuck Commander Adama. I wouldn’t donate half a CPU cycle to mine AnonCoins for X’s defense, much less lag my shit for some algorithm girlfriend named Allison. Also while I’m at it Fuck Biella Coleman, that libeler. I didn’t set myself up, god dammit, the bastards had me in their web. They do have an AI, and they used it on me, but more about that later. Someone does need to counter them, but it’ll probably be China.”

Anonymous strikes back against new Papa John’s Pizza website

The Papa John's Pizza portal site faces intermittent downtime as Anonymous attacks escalate.
The Papa John’s Pizza portal site faces intermittent downtime as Anonymous attacks escalate.

INTERNET – When news leaked of a controversial nondisclosure agreement forbidding Papa John’s employees from discussing anything that isn’t work-related, the mainstream hacker collective calling itself Anonymous has stepped up to defend the free speech rights of all Papa John’s employees by orchestrating a series of DDoS attacks and SQL-injections against the Papa John’s website.

The site has gone offline and come back several times throughout the day, signaling a call-and-response between Papa John’s elite group of cyber warriors and the rebel group Anonymous.

An anonymous employee, who asked not to be named out of fear of losing his job, said the gag order prevents him from discussing his work conditions outside of work.

“You can’t talk about the nondisclosure agreement without violating the nondisclosure agreement,” the employee said, “so you will get fired if they found out you talked about it.”

He said the agreement signifies a larger band of paranoia running through the usually stoned and placid pizza industry: a fear of unionized labor.

“The rules were always in place but they didn’t start enforcing them until some of us started talking about a worker’s union like they were trying to do over at McDonald’s.”

IRC chatlogs show online pizza orders placed by members of Anonymous to one of “Papa’s” many houses. The act of ordering unsolicited pizzas, Chinese take-out and other delivery is known colloquially to the group as “pizza-bombing.” This militant act of gastronomical aggression, combined with a cybcerattack on “Papa’s” website is only just the beginning, says the mainstream hacker collective group.

Here is the site currently under attack:

Papa John did not respond to numerous, repeated requests for comment. His public relations department did, however, refer The Internet Chronicle to a section of the nondisclosure agreement that shows they are not permitted to talk about the nondisclosure agreement. That staff, we later learned, have been fired and are currently unemployed.