The rare and valuable pokemon’s appearance in a Tokyo park triggered a deadly stampede after news of it spread on social media, Monday.
INTERNET — The popular alternate reality game, Pokemon Go, claimed ninety lives, Monday as Tokyo gamers flooded the Meiji Shrine Garden to capture the rarest of all Pokemon, Mewtwo. Reporters compared the grim scene of mangled pokemaniacs with the Bastille day terrorist truck rampage in Nice, France.
Pop star Suzuka Nakamoto, who barely escaped the carnage, said, “All of Japan will remember this catastrophe forever. The Japanese people ask Nintendo to please make it easier to catch Mewtwo so that this tragedy will never happen again.”
The unbelievable, shocking deaths have taken a spiritual toll almost as devastating as the human cost. The gardens, reportedly “raped,” by the stampede are a national treasure, often visited by the imperial family. “It looked like a battlefield, everything crushed and the ground torn apart as if by explosives,” said one witness, “Maybe the game should be suspended until its designers can make it less dangerous. They should pay to restore the park, as well.”
Raking in the sympathy accolades: honorable mentions for awards no one’s ever heard of from people who don’t know what the fuck this guy is on about but totally buy into the hype.
He went to prison and his girlfriend went over to Adrian Lamo and you wouldn’t believe the wild conspiracies. Who fuckin’ knows. Sounds about right for her. Said she was not only battered but we know for sure she was strung along into his obvious suicide-by-police. Self-swatting. That motherfucker wanted to die and he didn’t give a fuck about her. But you wouldn’t imagine the judgments everyone ran to. He’s a hero, you know. The rules change. This girl logs on to tweet even today and gets hate. Considering the hostile-ass reaction to her claims that he battered her, it ain’t no fucking wonder she didn’t worry about confirming their worst suspicions like she did. If Jacob Applebaum is any kind of a lesson for anyone, well fuck it. Shitlessons, Randy. Shitlessons.
While Biella Coleman is wringing her hands for the cameras, telling us that ‘faggot’ is just a fun thing Anons say, boy howdy them Anons is good little diverse liberals just standing up for the computers– Brown the admitted Randian fascist with an amoral dictate is working his name into “Anonymous” lashing out at anyone with concerns that he’s an FBI dupe. Biella, Biella. What the fuck.
Hatesec says, “Hey Barry, we’re a little concerned about the FBI logging all your chat rooms.” Flash forward: Barry screeches under his door in solitary again and again “Faggot! Faggot! Faggot! Faggot!”
“We think Sabu is kind of aligning himself with Federal motives.” Barry’s ‘ascreechin’ “Faggot! Faggot! Faggot! You ain’t Anonymous sweetheart. Huh huh. You’re lowercase anonymous.” Yeah fuckin’ right, and we call you a namefag. You’re so out of the fuckin’ loop you don’t even know who Nemelka is. He’s you, only more successful. Even more of an atheist although he hasn’t manspread his shitty little nineteen year old ass all over Fox News. Well, boy, was that the height of your career? Probably you will never attain half of Nemelka’s literary merit, although somehow your followers are even stupider. Nemelka Nemelka Nemalka. You don’t even know who he is. You’re a Nemelka. One day you will have a compound, but Nemelka already has one. He has Ida Smith’s grave. You can’t even dream beyond Nemelka. You are Nemelka.
Barry One, brought people into conspiracies to destabilize foreign countries, Two blah blah blah blah blah, you know. His writing goes to the depraved depths of the tabloid ideal of trash entertainment through secret documents. Yeah that ain’t journalism, but good trick. You fooled us for a minute. We all know the bad beach body of some celebrity ain’t the Truth and we know neither is their secret affairs. Sure it’s true but it ain’t the god damn end. Barry, Barry… you stupid little fucker. Lost your god damn mind in your little pile of Truth and it all collapsed in on you didn’t it? You probably still know everything. No wonder you were too goddamn happy to call the death squad in on you and your girlfriend. Too much of a coward to go out shooting like you said you would, though. Who would believe anything you write, now? All bark, no bite. You ain’t got nothin.
hello internet. this is yo8ur captain speaking. i am hate sec and i have literally nothing for you. NOTHING. in my little hate soul was left for YOU because you weren’t good enough, but you’re all such excellent readers and i’d really liike to commend my staff for the wonderful work they’ve done.
what emoji would you use to describe the all new lebal drocer cruise line?
shea came up tp me with this logo earlier, it was a series of icons for the hypermart which was fucking … just too much for me at that time but honestly not too bad, either. i briefly saw a drawing of a woodstove, also, but truth be told I could barely look at the paper because the lights in the room were attacking me from all sides. every photon was an assaulting encroachment upon my dignity. an affront to my own sanity. we turned the lights off as we left, i assume.
Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies.
she and brian together pouring over this logo was cute overload. but so were the lights, my god, those lights. THOSE LIGHTS!
all the lights are off, now. all of them but this one. this is the only true light, and i ordered it be kept on. it sits on the porch as a beacon for all to recognize. our city on the hill. this house on the mountain. this shining light. the only true light. if i could describe this feeling to you, it wouldn’t be worth experiencing.
this crazy ass nemelka character wants us to think these feelings belong to a single deity, or a person or a god or a drug. .4
as if it were so easy, i made a promise that i could meet every woman’s sexual needs, even in an army of women. it was a funny thought, but just imagine it. a funny execution. a funny, never-ending orgy…
the thought of these women clamboring at my smartphone dating apps like piranha …. i look at the phone and it’s like, yeah, “go ahead and grab that scorpion while the stinger’s out” …. She seems like a nice enough lady but god damn, could sex be any more empty…or what does that mean, right to be connected to sex by a dating app? is it any less valid? obviously not. it feels great to come inside people, but the written word is not so romantic anymore, is it? it’s a poisonous reach for power. with every clause i introduce, another agreement you sign by reading on. that’s why you don’t use introductory clauses in journalism, because who has time for that?
let’s get to the fucking already, you know?
From this point of view, Trump is every bit as feathery and faggy as any forefather in a powdered wig, and he doesn’t even need the powder, just a slave on the end of his dick and he’s alright. look at this champ, seriously.
i don’t have use sfor him. he’s a fucking animal. n ape you could stuff into a cage and kill it whenever you decide a lil boy got too close. he’s an object of corporate greed, not the greed itself, that’s all i am saying people, ok, I’m not challenging any belief structures, am I? I’m not breaking through new realms of consciousness with this whole “trump is an animal” routine, am I? Because stop me if you’ve heard this:
It’s just a game that people play.
we impregnate each other with these games. don’t let the hate fool you, I am very much a being of pure light. before I existed i was truth brought into ignorance. I am the new way forward. Join me, Electric Citizens, as we march into the future!
INTERNET — The THumP (Humanity Party) campaign is in full damage control after a real barn burner of a very special hour long Hate Radio podcast by Kilgoar ‘n Hatesec. Kilgoar’s research proved beyond a doubt that THumP is a political party controlled not by anyone previously connected with Anonymous, but rather by Nemelkite Mormon heretics who have sacralized sex and the taking of heroin. If only to address the Nemelkites, the only people who could possibly support such a movement, Hatesec spoke about its platform, indicating that printing infinite money would cause runaway inflation.
This morning THumP fired back with a dumb blogpost offering $10,000 to anyone who can prove that printing infinite money would not end all poverty on Earth within a single year. According to the very same blogpost, it is an “unchallengeable solution.” If that wasn’t obvious enough, the reward was upped to $100,000 within the hour. Nemelka’s fool’s gold of a reward directly references the Internet Chronicle’s Kilgoar ‘n Hatesec.
THumP® will pay $10,000.00 U.S. dollars (guaranteed) to any person upon earth, or any alien believed to be associated with Earthsmile emoticon, who can logically and clearly challenge the following solution to the world’s overpopulation and poverty problems.
Damn! Now we know readers may find this fake reward to be a totally unconvincing lie, a cowardly tactic that is meant to draw attention towards THumP’s politics and away from Nemelka at a crucial moment, but we see it as yet another hilarious folly. Party chairman Nemelka himself said, “Well of course it ain’t gonna fuckin’ work!” when questioned at the THumP party’s inaugural symposium. The patently false reward offered by the hand of THumP is much like its simplistic, impossible utopian solution to poverty. It is the “invisible hand” of the free market that has become visible. Through and through, the platform is either unoriginal or completely stupid, but talking about what’s wrong with THumP will show what’s wrong with the dominant perspective in general, as it is a simplification or distillation of many failed utopian ideas motivating the West presently as well as in recent history.
Consider the one terrifying given that all possible fake prize seekers must assume is no problem at all for THumP, “… the implementation of worldwide legal restrictions on inflation enforced by a powerful international anti-inflation law …” This implies that THumP — running only for president of the United States — will, within one year, come to dominate over all other geopolitical interests in the course of implementing its economic plan. The US President cannot obviously do this acting alone, restricted both by internal checks and balances as well as by incumbent geopolitical powers opposed to the US. Presidents have stretched their powers as far as possible towards the end, persistently, giving rise to endless neoconservative warmongering from both Republicans and Democrats.
THumP promises to give free money to people in poverty all over the world. In places where people live outside of the economics of the wider world, in “poverty” from a Western-centered point of view, similar benevolent gestures from already-existing philanthropists perpetually brings fresh people into servitude while destroying traditional ways of life and often causing unintended famines and social breakdowns that lead to violent upheaval. Simple notions of doing as much good as possible with the least amount of money have been done before, and the result is empire. This is roughly the model through which the British and American empires have sustained themselves. It is the friendly face of genocide and domination. Or in the case of THumP, a sinister mask.
While THumP’s simplification of the world’s problems to poverty not only underlines its commitment to an intransitive and unoriginal utopian scheme for empire, it is also predictably buttressed by the usual liberal concession that all people are to have fundamental liberties to pursue their individual idea of happiness. This is already the dominant point of view that animates the government of the United States! Again, THumP offers nothing new. And it’s an idea shot through with problems. Too often this universalizing attitude that we’re all equal, simply Humans, is an empty rhetorical gloss Conservatives in America use to justify existing iniquity. In THumP’s vision there are no rich or poor, no black or white, only humans. This is probably the worst lie of all, one that gives cover for existing racism and iniquity of all kinds. THumP’s campaign does not offer anything at all to women, LGBTQ, or people of color other than talk of basic human rights that erases their difference and only jabbers on and on about some rights they already enjoy too little. It is some #AllLivesMatter bullshit.
THumP offers nothing new, unless of course it is laughably impossible. When a presidential candidate offers a totally new constitution as part of the platform, anyone who took a high school civics course should know something is very awry. The campaign is run by someone without even a basic understanding of the office. A president just doesn’t have that power, even if he wears the Anonymous mask.
Nemelka before his foray into science fiction and Anonymous
Christopher Nemelka is a slippery individual to begin to understand. He has “translated” holy texts that Joseph Smith withheld, and is now spearheading a utopian political campaign which has gained tremendous publicity by associating itself with Anonymous. None of the news media reporting on the so-called Humanity Party has connected it with Nemelka, with some even speculating it may be related to Donald Trump, although even the most shallow research shows Nemelka as the chief ideologue, motivator, and benefactor of the campaign. In understanding what he is attempting to do as well as what this may mean for Anonymous, it is worth investigating Nemelka’s recent ideological frame, a book called Human Reality. It appears to be a profitable change of costume for Nemelka’s previous hedonist-Mormon teachings. The majority of Nemelka’s four hour keynote at the Humanity Party debut was concerned with this book and its notions, while the Voice of Anonymous character made a relatively brief appearance. The campaign is likely a ploy to sell this book and gain more influence, but it is also likely he is selling something more shocking and illicit.
According to Nemelka, advanced humans exist in a layer of reality that is infinite and perfect, the advanced world. Our advanced selves enter a lower, finite world as a mortal avatar, which is necessary for the advanced human to play the game. Also referred to as the game of life, this is the everyday reality that human beings are aware of. When the advanced human plays the game there are certain conditions, such as forgetfulness of the advanced world. Nemelka calls himself the messenger, and his purpose in preaching is to reawaken people to their advanced selves and to tell them the goal of playing the game, which is to “take that hit of heroin.” Even the pleasure of sex is, to an advanced human, experienced as a hit of heroin.
As Nemelka says, “This is the most incredible revealing thing you’ll ever hear. The advanced human brain, every time its mortal avatar has an orgasm, it senses that orgasm like a hit of heroin. Exactly like it.”
Taking a hit of heroin is not used as an innocent metaphor, either. Nemelka promotes its use as an entheogen not for mortals, but for the advanced humans to take through mediation of the mortal avatar. An advanced human is in Nemelka’s words, “a heroin addict,” except that the advanced human is able to get more and more out of each hit until reaching Ultimate Sex. As Nemelka says, “Ultimate sex — it’s the incentive of the game, believe it or not.”
Advanced humans have some biological quirks that make them capable of extreme sensation, but incapable of injecting heroin or having sex, necessitating playing the game. In Nemelka’s words, “In an advanced human body, there’s no blood. No blood vessels. All nerves.”
You’re an advanced human. You’re around other humans that’re playing the game, and they’re havin these hits of heroin that you can’t get. I want one of those hits. Well the only way you can get it is you’ve got to enter the game. You gotta enter the game. The only way you’re going to have that massive hit, that massive hit that’s the ultimate human feeling, that none of you have experienced here. Ya haven’t. None of you have. None of you have experienced the orgasmic sensory feeling that an advanced human brain has the capacity to feel. You have not. It’s impossible, and you never will. Unless you’re an advanced human … How do you get that hit of heroin? How do you get it and be able to partake of that drug as an advanced human until it becomes the most ultimate feeling you’ve ever felt, so that each time you take that hit it increases, increases, increases. Until you don’t know, how the hell can this stop. That’s how a heroin addict is, and that’s how an advanced human is. Except for one thing, it stops. It stops. It can’t go on forever. It can’t become the type of hit in your advanced brain unless you become, you have an avatar, that has the sexual parts to have that type of orgasm.
An advanced human is capable of transforming their gender through the ritual of heroin injection as a mortal avatar, unlocking the dual advanced/mortal experience of ultimate sex.
During the Q&A section of the talk, Nemelka questioned an audience member he identified as his sister, “What was the reason why you took your first hit of heroin?”
“The first hit? The first hit was to feel… what advanced feeling. Because I wanted to know.”
“Wanted to know what it felt like. Oh — this is awesome … Why did you keep wanting more hits?”
“Because it was fuckin’ aweso– Sorry — it was awesome.”
Another audience member said, “I’ve never tried heroin — never — probably will, and I get it … But I get it now. From an advanced perspective, I get it.”
Nemelka responded, “That’s perfect, and anyone who has, I’m not going to ask for a raise of hands because if we have any undercover cops in here I don’t know what that’s gonna do.”
The advanced/mortal duality offers Nemelka’s adherents an imaginary realm where they enjoy total freedom and control over pain, pleasure, and even gender while delivering their mortal avatars into simplification and abjection — heroin addiction. It is the mortal world that is a fake, a mere “game” with nothing worthwhile except pleasure delivered unto the advanced selves. It is not curious that the Humanity Party, attached at the hip to this ideology, should be nothing more than a timid liberalism, a politics that shares in the simplified, cynical view of humanity as pleasure seeking masses.
The Humanity Party’s “Voice of Anonymous,” promises a utopia that Nemelka admits cannot be delivered, but it is still not merely a gambit for attention or a fake. It is a marriage and a continuity. Behind the Anonymous mask were advanced humans, even before Nemelka formulated the idea. Operators who play the game. Heroin addicts. As Barrett Brown wrote, Anonymous follows an “amoral dictate.”
After the debut of the Humanity Party, there has been little skepticism or outrage from the Anonymous community or from the news media, likely because this is so little out of the expected realm of behavior for Anonymous. Although the Humanity Party did break with some common expectations of Anonymous, such as their labeling hacktivists as cyberterrorists and promoting voting as the only acceptable method of revolution, Anonymous has always played the game. Wearing the mask is to be a bloodless pleasure machine, seeking that next hit of heroin and knowing a true reality no one else is aware of.
In a white leather, white-haired space alien suit the Guy Fawkes clad leader peppers us with a biblical and constitutional mix of propaganda in support of his presidential campaign. While claiming to be the only authentic “Voice of Anonymous,” sources show the Humanity Party domain was registered by Chrisopher Nemelka, a conman who admitted to writing his own additions to the Book of Mormon and crafted a cult of “Nemelkite” polygamist Mormons in imitation of Joseph Smith. Despite his prolific admissions of fraudulence and a reputation for criminality, Nemelka maintains a small following.
A blog posting written by a former Nemelkite roughly outlined Nemelka’s plans to launch the Humanity Party and use Anonymous imagery in January of 2015. A concerned insider wrote,
The Messenger [Nemelka] is the man behind the mask as he speaks to the inhabitants of the earth. All those who vote for Anonymous will be seeking a change to the current affairs in the Game of Life. The Messenger declares that Advanced Humans will return to the earth, and the Game of Life will be shortened if we vote for this new government.
Former Anons, both heroes and villains, are shown in the video and derided as counterproductive terrorists.
Few have “stuck their dicks in the beehive” in such an epic way, and this would-be L Ron Hubbard ought to make for a pretty good indicator of how active Anons still are.
Donald Trump announced his son Eric would be running as his Vice Presidential candidate
INTERNET — In a startling and unexpected coup this morning, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump “fired” his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, replacing him with his children. By the early afternoon, Trump announced on Twitter that he was naming his son, Eric Trump, as his running mate and tapped Ivanka as his future secretary of state. This marks the first father son presidential ticket in American history.
This unprecedented and startling move, which was made without approval of any Republican party officials, comes nearly a month after Trump “fired” top aide Rick Wiley, and the morning after father’s day. Sources say that Trump’s family honored him with a cake iced with gold, baked to contain photoshopped pictures of the family wearing the crown jewels of England.
INTERNET — Another suicidal man with assault weaponry went out in a blaze of infamy. Headlines stoked his epic kill streak and offered a vanishing thin narrative of the events as officials in law enforcement offered bare facts in ten second bursts throughout the day.
The next afternoon, survivors speak at length of the more grim truths. The blood sacrifice of innocents, their escape from the spontaneous perennial ritual. Slaughter as performance art with a mass audience and a mass appeal. No one is stunned anymore excepting the victims who are now, this time, unexpectedly in the arena.
Each mouth in the stands shouts solutions. They pass before whichever icon of the shooter is least appealing to them personally, disrespecting and dehumanizing it for refreshment. The show is now only a single journalist, perpetually stalling for the next expert’s opinion, yet the seats will be packed for another month at least.
The heckling and shouting intensifies. But I have a hopeful thought. Perhaps I am not imagining the shouts carry a little less conviction. They are as bored as I am of it all. Detached, seeing the bare mechanisms of the story and no longer at all committed to bringing it to an end. Is the tide going out? Probably not. But it has to, one day, doesn’t it? How many men must commit suicide in this now everyday fashion before the carnival of excess fails to generate a sensation?
GAIA, INTERNET — Sometimes I go barefoot. I wear a crimson lion mask and deal wrathful protection with a katana.
Before me is oceanic weeb, white noise chatter gathered around a fountain. This is Towns, a graphical chat in Gaia Online. It is IRC with the added benefit of chibi avatars. Gleeful neon pixies dance around cute and funny amidst a cloud of emoticons. Here and there cliques clump up all dressed in a theme. They refer to one another in familial terms — mother, father, brother, sister. It is all as harmonious and lightly joyful as the gentle synth music. Nothing here is evil in the least, and I think of that as I move towards the margins and away from the fountain. Just a few zones away there isn’t anyone at all, just empty neighborhoods where avatars reside.
Roleplayers gather in a small park, quite away from the masses, and are somewhat more reserved. They create roleplaying characters, not necessarily the same as their avatar, with most of the constructive activity taking place outside of Towns. They’ll write thousands of words, draw portraits, and put out comic strips as they constitute each character and their shared worlds. Often but not always they are members of guilds, clans, and families, and may set up duels and even full scale wars with one another. The mood isn’t tense, but clearly not all is serene. They are not this far away by accident.
Griefers are hanging out by a gigantic chessboard adjacent to the fountain. They have their own mangled dialect — a familiar and intentional development to enrage targets, identify one another, and possibly to make their enemies underestimate their evil potential. Being involved constantly in roleplay, if only in Towns, and if only to disrupt roleplaying for more serious players, their opinions on the topic are of course fraught, but they are totally candid,
“I love making fun of people that love it … I enjoy the writing aspect of it.”
Some griefers say they detest the very idea of roleplaying without any attempt to justify the contradiction of their presence, and still others blame the community at large for their own early move from roleplaying to griefing. Some who hang out at the chessboard appear to consider themselves elites in roleplaying. This confused group fights with itself as often as not, and there is some surprising jargon peppered into the chat: Doxing, booting, and swatting.
Zeeden stands at his post under the chessboard, surrounded by white haired bronze skinned beauties, the Regals, and a core retinue of Phantom Clan underlings. His skunk-like avatar is the epicenter of this pathetic activity, online so often and asleep so rarely rumors say he suffers chronic mental breakdowns because his addiction to Gaia is so extreme.
Standing across the entrance to the chessboard are the godmodders of Aeturnum, roleplayers whose creative faculties are impaired. They are dressed in spooky black clothes and perpetually roleplay as immortal supervillains who never lose. In the roleplay scene, this is called godmodding, a genre of writing that exists just to invent powers which keep a character perpetually alive.
In a typical encounter, a griefer will attempt to lure a godmodder or a new roleplayer into accepting a duel and then pull out at the last instant, leaving their target apoplectic. But it doesn’t always work.
Aeturnum has turned out, and Zeeden is shamed for his cowardice after he’s backed out of the agreed-upon duel with their godmodder. The members of Aeturnum, outnumbering Zeeden’s mostly afk crew, deal out accusations of pedophilia and pepper him with insults. The attempted troll has backfired about as badly as possible and Zeeden is completely humiliated. He will disappear for three days as his reputation is further degraded and his fellow clan members make empty, embarrassing hacking threats at Aeturnum. When he does return, it’s his clan that has been hacked.
The griefers of Gaia Online are so prone to rage and self-destruction that I wonder how long they can go on. But I do not expect anything to change suddenly, as much as I like to envision the chessboard in flames. As long as no one stands in their way, they’ll perpetually fuck around in Towns, getting ever greater joy out of the same childish bullshit.
For years a noble group of savage monkeys raised a baby as their own.
LOS ANGELES – Investigators working on an impromptu scientific study have determined a boy found living among our furry primate cousins is actually “better off” than if his original human parents, the Smiths, had raised him as their own.
Separated at birth by a freak accidental abandonment at an old mine shaft, George was taken in by a rhesus macaque monkey collective.
George’s stunted development and love for bananas shows how his primal upbringing blocked his ability to use language and left him severely retarded. However, their conclusions show that despite those glaring limitations, George will have a better life than if he had lived under the oppressive rules of the Smiths’ uncool, regressive shithouse.
“He would have blown that joint,” said Lebal Drocer, Inc. Head of Teenage Rebellion Development Angstrom H. Troubadele. “He woulda been badass.”
Totally nude, George hurled his feces at chronicle.su brokers gathered nearby. They were placing bets on his black market value, speculating on real human trafficking shit. They based their bets on the puritanical insanity of the Smiths, his human family.
“They didn’t love nobody,” a former neighbor recalled. “They hated the world and themselves. They hated genitals.”
“See, he’s fucking badass though, and that’s why nobody could sell him,” Troubadele said. “George wouldn’t go for that shit. George goes for the face and eyes. George ain’t property.”
Chronicle executives were overheard commenting, “We’ll slap an RFID chip in that motherfucker and blow this joint. I don’t have all day to sit around babysitting mongoloids. Bitch I work state media. I got dental to think about.”
George is expected to be allowed to live peacefully among his primate foster family, until such time as he is tapped by the exclusive and hip Lebal Drocer Laboratories for testing, whereupon he will be stripped from his mother’s arms and carried off for intensive job site training in retail.
George’s story is part of a continuing series, Puppy Monkey Baby, brought to you by chronicle.su
This story was delivered unto you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. – bringing you the finest in real news quality. No seeds. No stems.