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“Porn Philosopher” Aella dead at 33

Fans mourn the loss of Aella, prominent sex influencer, writer, and pornstar. Aella was found dead in her San Francisco penthouse Monday morning by police investigating a noise complaint. Deputy Frankie Hardswallow said the adult film star “died in unspeakable pleasure.”

Detective Chris Mooney has not yet ruled out foul play, saying, “It sure looks like a suicide to me, but she was mixed up with some really messed up people, said and did many things most normal people might find despicable.”

Aella was a member of a Neo-Randist cult called “The Rationalists,” a nascent organization loosely bound together by the perceived threat of AI undermining the human drive towards excellence. Like Rand’s so-called Objectivism, its founder Eliezer Yudkowsky charts out a path to Truth, his so called Sequences. Yudkowsky’s tedious intuition pump essays appeal most of all to unwary young engineers and software developers who hope to optimize the logic of their brain. However, the violent past of Yudkowsky’s radicalized followers has necessarily caused concern for local police investigating the still-unexplained death of Aella.

Public opinion of Aella’s “Rationalism” as applied to intimate human relations turned her into a grotesque lolcow on social media, trolling abuse culminating in her reaction, “…I’m a meme…I feel kind of broken…I’m so sad the world is shaped this way.” Social media user Sarah Norman responded, “I don’t even follow her and yet she is on my timeline talking taboo this, sex that, children this, and so what? No one cares. I don’t care. Fix the algorithm, Elon.”

Internet Chronicle was able to reach Grimes, pop star and sole defender of Aella’s philosophy. Grimes told reporters, “I want this like, off the record, okay? Quote the other stuff I said. It’s like, she’s a philosopher. Hello? You’re supposed to be making people angry and provoking their reaction big time. Flat out, they just don’t get it. Like a play party is where adults have sex, not kids. It wasn’t really like that at all, not like they say at least.”

Porn fanatic Jeb Garvin wrote on Aella’s memorial Facebook page, “I never got the philosophy thing from her, I always thought she was more about gangbangs. Always felt like I could talk books with Charlotte Sartre or even Sasha Grey, but I never got the feeling like Aella reads too much. To each their own.”

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EXPOSED: Glenn Greenwald HUMILIATED in Revenge Porn SPECTACULAR!

INTERNET – EXHILARATING new developments as Revenge Pornographers LOCK DOWN TANTALIZING LEAKS: GLENN GREENWALD GAY; CONFIRMED!

The raunchy exposé follows YEARS of tedious genocide coverage by the failed journalist, hosted confusingly on Power-Zionist Peter Thiel’s shock news site RUMBLE™. Greenwald had been whining endlessly about incinerating toddler or some such rubbish, but all the while he was betraying their interest – and yours – by soliciting GAY ACTION.

Thiel complained to Chronicle, “I-I-I-I-I- I just told him to…. To…. to stop! I said, I said GLENN. We- you- I- w- you can’t do this! I can’t host this! You think- you think- what, you think it makes any difference if- if- if- if you’re Jewish? Buddy, that’s precisely who they’re locked in on! You think I want these people coming after me?! You… I… You… There’s a very strict protocol for these business arrangements. I-I-I-I- I told him…. Glenn! You have to STOP!”

Get ready, because what you’re about to see next on this web article will chill you to your very bone. Glenn Greenwald in dainty maid and skirt pantyhose gruesome fetish FUCK

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Image pixelated to protect victims (You.) Face of Greenwald maintained for public interest.

I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT, CAN YOU? WILL ANYTHING EVER BE THE SAME AFTER THIS?!

The breaking story reached front desk of Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh T. Sakers who all but confirmed Mossad was behind the hit. “This is almost certainly Mossad’s doing, I go golfing with the guy who keeps hold of this filth. He has his own private server. Petabytes of the shit.

“But you listen to me cockroach, I’ve been happy to let the Chronicle slide into irrelevance to avoid precisely this type of scandal. You think I want my good friends smeared in my own paper? Not a chance! We’ve got a fundraiser coming up for the annual Fair Saint Louis Parade and I do not want our biggest donors unhappy.

“If you so much as think of publishing even the faintest allusion that Mossad is behind this? You better believe you’ll be the next one in tight panty girdle on the front page of the New York Post! Oh, what’s that? No such thing exists? WHAT DO YOU THINK WE HAD THAT AI BUILT FOR? WRITING ARTICLES? GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!”

Auernheimer’s public profile may never recover from his association with degenerate Glenn.

Long time collaborator and heterosexual icon Andrew “Woiv” Auernheimer was shocked and appalled, “this whole time I thought Glenn was Aryan and straight, but it turns out he’s Jewish and gay? What the fuck, man!” Greenwald did everything in his power to rehabilitate Auernehimer’s public image after a neo-nazi hack gone wrong, but it just wasn’t enough. Old wounds now re-open, and the salt inserts directly, “it’s given me a lot to think about that’s for sure! HAH! HAH! HAH!”

None were more bothered by it though than old friend and collaborator Ethan Klein of h3h3 fame. Klein recently fell into a heaping pile of dung when it got accidentally revealed his wife “Hila” Klein was a former raider in the Israeli Defence Force. The controversy saw users haemorrhaging out of his podcast – and spondulix out of his pocket. Klein worked quick to control the damage, but it just wasn’t enough.

In a last ditch attempt h3 swallowed his pride and solicited donations for Palestine, but accidentally gave all of it to Ahmed Fouad Alkhatib, a Palestinian, yes, but sneakily employed by the Atlantic Council, direct facilitators of the democide. With no where left to turn, Klein’s only hope was a puff piece at the intercept from him old chum Greenwald Glenn, but it turned out he was batting for the other side.

Klein became aggressive on stream after his hypocrisy was revealed.

“After all these years my good friend Glenn Greenwald can’t even lift a finger to write some positive press about me? It pisses me off!”

“For months on end now he’s been brow beating me, Ethan your perspective’s all wrong, Ethan you’re on the wrong side of history. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. But the whole time this is what he’s doing? Maybe those kids deserved to die if this is who’s really pushing their agenda!”

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Justin Bieber Dead at 31

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Justin Bieber, who was found dead in his Beverly Park mansion Sunday afternoon. Bieber sold over a trillion records and held the world record for securing the Teen Choice Awards 18 years in a row. Bieber was 31 years old.

Los Angeles Police Chief Jeff Sable told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Our mortician says he ain’t seen a body this pickled since Michael Jackson. We found enough Fentanyl in his fingernail to wipe out an elementary school.”

A gaggle of screaming Bieber fans wailed and gnashed their teeth upon the pavement, with over a dozen arrested for slashing their wrists open at the announcement of his death.

“Foul play is never out of the question!” Chief Sable smiled as unruly fans were carted off to prison, “And I’m sure we’ll be looking into this one for the next fifty years, a tragedy even greater than Elvis.”

Staring into the camera and entirely breaking the fourth wall, the career law enforcement man’s eyes widened, “There’s a lot more going on here than we’re ever going to know. I’ll tell you what, he looked like a porcupine when we pulled him outta that bed of heroin needles.”

Meandering off topic, Sheriff Sable put out a stark warning to the public that law enforcement was looking to pad out its prison populations. Peering over his lectern, eying the people like sheep in need of shearing, the words smacked his salivating lips, “Y’all teenagers out here today, if you think you can get away with throwin’ popcorn at the movie theaters, think again. My men are at the ready at every movie theater within fifty miles of here, and I locked up twenty of you yesterday. We will put vandals away and make money doing it.” He sighed, speaking to himself, “Our prisoners all got sent off to El Salvador and the prisons are in the red, we’re just looking for anything, any crime anywhere, just so we can keep the doors open.”

The sheriff snapped out of his dissociative murmring and brandished his sidearm, reassuring the crowd of his authority. “You ain’t got nothin’ to fear if ye just do as I say. Now get on out of here!”