INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Nadia Tolokonnikova, feminist singer for the anti-Putin punk band Pussy Riot. Tolokonnikova was shot dead in Moscow, Tuesday, by unknown assailants as mourners gathered at Boris Nemtsov’s funeral.
Tolokonnikova’s death marks the second assassination of a famous Putin critic, just one week after Boris Nemtsov was assassinated.
Pussy Riot previously faced street violence from police and thugs during a paint attack in Moscow’s McDonald’s and during the filming of a video at the Sochi winter olympics. Tolokonnikova was imprisoned in Siberia for blasphemy after filming an anti-Putin music video at Moscow cathedral.
Tolokonnikova was also affiliated with Voina, an activist performance art ensemble which staged a famous anti-Medvedev public orgy at a Moscow biology museum. Tolokonnikova also recently appeared on the Netflix original series House of Cards.
Putin continues to enjoy nearly 90% approval ratings in Russia as he concentrates military forces in Crimea.
Kanye West is “not happy” that fans don’t like the leaked track from his new album.
INTERNET — Fans were excited to get an early listen to All Day, a leaked track from Kanye’s new album, So Help Me God. Their excitement quickly turned to disappointment, as the track’s unremarkable hip hop degenerated into a mess of robotic sound effects, tinny acoustic guitar, and whistling that meandered into a narcissistic and pointless trap.
The unfulfilled promise of good music that Kanye has come to represent, especially through his multiple interventions at pivotal moments in award shows, seems to have crystallized into song. Neither Kanye nor his fans are happy about this travesty.
Glenn Greenwald disappeared at LAX and is presumed in CIA custody
LOS ANGELES — Glenn Greenwald, columnist and reporter who broke the Snowden leaks and featured in Laura Poitras’ Oscar-winnning Citizen Four, disappeared Saturday at a US airport before boarding a flight back to his home in Brazil. Friends and family have not heard from him and fear he has been subject of an extraordinary rendition to a CIA torture site.
Jeremy Scahill, co-anchor of Pierre Omidyar’s First Look Media, said, “This is what we always feared, and right now I’m barricaded in my home with shotguns at the ready. Today is the day when they’re finally going to make their move against real journalists in the US. It’s finally happening. Protect yourselves, people.”
Edward Snowden appeared today at the Libertarian National Convention, via a remote robotic interface, and grew red in the face as he quoted the founding father Benjamin Franklin, “Those who would give up Essential Liberty, to purchase a little Temporary safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety!”
American audiences discovered that Bill O’Reilly’s career was a total sham, collapsing his ego and triggering a psychotic fit.
INTERNET — Saturday morning Bill O’Reilly was hospitalized after suffering what family said was a psychotic episode. O’Reilly recently fell under fire after researchers unveiled his false reporting of the Falkland War.
Family and friends of O’Reilly have kept his secret battle with chronic mental illness under wraps for decades and are not surprised by his latest psychotic break.
O’Reilly’s wife told reporters, “It’s a chronic problem and it never really goes away. One day he’s the Bill I know and love, and the next day he’ll start getting these grandiose ideas. He said he was an archetypal construct summoned by an internet demiurge he called Inglip, and it wanted him to breathe white light and trigger fifteen trillion hydrogen bombs, among other things.” Amidst tears, she added, “But he’s always a bit over the top, adding in details to make for a better story, it’s just how he is.”
Harvard Psychiatrist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Stress is the most common trigger for mental illness, especially stress of the kind that deflates a greatly inflated ego. Narcissistic personalities like O’Reilly’s make for entertaining talking heads, but a narcissist affirms itself out of its own essential weakness and is prone to rapidly break down during a psychotic fit.” Dr. Troubador heaved a sigh and continued, “You can bet that O’Reilly experienced such powerful shame and psychological nudity that his former self is toast and may never come back. But he’s resilient, I’ve seen his medical records, and hopefully audiences will like the new Bill O’Reilly, whoever he is when he resurfaces.”
Pierre Omidyar helped the CIA execute “Operation Snowjam” and suppress Snowden documents
INTERENET — Pierre Omidyar, eBay billionaire, spent 50 million dollars to launch First Look Media with the promise of popularizing Glenn Greenwald and Jeremy Scahill’s popular brand of American advocacy journalism.
Strange stories from disgruntled employees are circulating, describing a bewildering and mysterious boondoggle behind the scenes at First Look, but thankfully a confirmed and trustworthy anonymous leaker close to Omidyar has come forward with startling evidence explaining that the CIA granted Omidyar lucrative overseas business privileges in return for temporarily tying up hundreds of the best and brightest advocacy journalists.
According to the leaker, Anchors Glenn Greenwald and Jeremy Scahill acted as de facto editors, barking down nearly every story that made it to their desks. Their egos were set against one another and inflated with tremendous paychecks, bizarre massage-desks, and holographic monitors. Every trick in the CIA playbook was brought to bear on First Look’s boardroom. Subtle annoyance tactics were employed by CIA moles who succesfully instigated daily shouting matches and ruined any chance of publishing stories.
The leaker suggests that Glenn Greenwald, after promising to publish a list of names of citizens under illegal NSA surveillance, was shouted down by the whole office after Omidyar spread rumors that Greenwald found Edward Snowden “a repugnant traitor.”
The anonymous leaker wrote,
The CIA drew up First Look under code name Operation Snowjam, engineering it from top to bottom for optimum dysfunction. They had already worked with Omidyar extensively, as eBay features hugely in the CIA’s meddling in foreign markets, so he was quite willing to cooperate. The ‘best and brightest’ — that’s the CIA, not me — in advocacy journalism were brought in at dream-job pay, and they were lucky to publish anything at all!
It should be obvious to anyone with a skeptical mind that things are not as they seem. Just look at those with access to Snowden documents, that should tell you what you need to know. They never complain because they have been treated like royalty, handled so gently that they will never suspect a thing or give credence to the complaints of other journalists at First Look.
This is a crucial moment, and the image of the US is at its lowest point perhaps in all of history. Operation Snowjam is, for the CIA, small potatoes. But right now, every little bit counts.
INTERNET — Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon played Phil Och’s satiric song, “Love me, I’m a Liberal” at a fundraiser for Paul Williams, who requires expensive care after injuring his brain in a bike accident.
The lyrics of the classic and funny lampoon were updated, seemingly so that the audience could grasp the dated jokes of Phil Ochs. Names of typical liberal politicians and publications were changed, but a line condemning the racism of liberals with the satiric use of the word ‘Negro’ was removed.
Ochs lines, “I love Puerto Ricans and negros / As long as they don’t move next door” became “I love blacks and gays and latinos / As long as they don’t move next door.”
This despicable effacement of Phil Ochs’ and his mild satire was perpetrated by the man whose songs once proudly proclaimed, along the same lines as Ochs, only with more punk rock snarl:
Play ethnicky jazz
To parade your snazz
On your five grand stereo
Braggin’ that you know
How the niggers feel cold
And the slums got so much soul
Has Jello Biafra been abducted and replaced? Has he grown too old for the shocking, confrontational satire of the Dead Kennedys? Perhaps.
I can read the tweets, already, saying things like, “Phil Ochs is only funny for people with white privilege,” or “Ochs — typical white ally,” or maybe “To people of color this just represents a violent system.” And then, when the Butthurt Black Panthers bust into Phil Ochs’ house and gun him down, these same people will be tweeting #JeSuisPanther.
Satire isn’t always funny, and oftentimes it is downright offensive, and a song like Phil Ochs’ “Love me, I’m a Liberal” would surely be viewed as an incontrovertible act of violence in the contemporary liberal atmosphere, where terrorists who murdered the cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo are sympathetic victims of systemic racism. Tolerance and sensitivity have been so emphasized by moderate liberals to the point where it’s a racist superiority trip. Right below the thin veneer of this new brand of “radical” liberalism is something pathetic and moderate, a liberal who wants to be loved, and desperately — the niggers and the towel heads are babies who can’t read big boy jokes.
Swarms of aircraft were spotted flying out of these deep craters that appeared recently in Siberia and are now assembling
SIBERIA — A fleet of alien airships is assembling in Siberia after witnesses say they ascended out of tremendous craters previously believed to be created by methane explosions and climate change.
The ships have assembled into three constantly spiraling swarms that are slowly coming into formation as they move west. Each individual ship appears to be two conjoined eggs with no discernible seams or lights of any kind.
The Russian Military broadcast a message in Siberia directed at the alien ships, “We offer friendly greetings to the explorers from under the earth. But our citizens are terrified and we will open fire should you make a move to threaten any of our cities.”
Addressing citizens later in the broadcast, the Military said, “Do not panic, do not provoke or fire upon the alien craft.”
President Putin then gave a few words on national television, reassuring the country with a light-hearted joke, “Maybe they will listen to reason and help liberate Ukraine.”
Reports of strange lights, eruptions coming from under the ground, appearance of tremendous craters, and even alien bodies and wrecks are in the news and even commented on by President Putin himself, but why are these reports suppressed in the West? Could these ships be a top secret Russian weapon system that could help Putin start pushing into Western Europe?
Flint Citizens died in the thousands after drinking piss-colored public water
FLINT, MICHIGAN — Thousands of frozen dead bodies filled the streets of Flint, Thursday morning, as the cumulative effects of tainted, poisonous water proved too much for infants and the elderly.
Flint’s water is discolored and heavily infected with bacteria, and the cash-strapped city government chose a cheap solution, dumping deadly amounts of disinfectants into the water supply.
General Motors refused to use the tainted water in its manufacturing process because all the bleach in it would corrode the steel in its vehicles.
Activist Michael Moore said, “This is the first test run of a top secret population control program that aims to cull overpopulated areas that drain the American economy and harm its geopolitical stance. Flint’s citizens have become a target in the war on terror.”
Obama got stoned at midnight as Marijuana legalization went into effect
INTERNET — Just minutes after a new Washington DC law legalized recreational marijuana, President Obama lit up a fat Dutch Master packed with presidential-quality marijuana. The president rolled the blunt himself, accidentally tearing the Dutch Master and joking, “Maybe we should get some wrappers from Cuba! Hah!”
Leaning back in his chair, Obama exhaled a smoke ring expertly. Sensing the tense room around him, he offered the blunt to his staff, “Calm down everybody, take a hit. It’s legal now, we changed that law.” However, staffers in the room shuffled around uncomfortably.
One secret service guard reached out for the blunt, and Obama said, “No, not you!” but laughed.
“Just kidding, just fuckin’ with you.” Obama’s eyes were already bloodshot.
A representative from the American Christian Alliance told reporters, “Marijuana is the drug of choice of the House of Islam, and in Christendom we drink alcohol, the blood of Christ. We’re watching you Obama, and we see through your facade.”
Jillian Page, spokesperson for Mothers Against Drugs and Alcohol said, “Just think of the example that sets for our children, if the president is out there toking up. It’s an outrage, and I hope he is impeached.”
Pictured here is the Satanic God of Discord, Eris. #OpDeathEatres promises freedom, but its end goal is Global Satanism and Endless War.
INTERNET — Tuesday, Internet Chronicle received a startling leak proving beyond a doubt that the Anonymous-branded #OpDeathEaters, which on its surface promises to initiate a “victim-led” inquiry into pedophile networks at the top of governments, is itself headed by a Satanic cult which idolizes the pagan god of discord, Eris. Eris is known for causing a great war just to satisfy her narcissism.
#OpDeathEaters has only let a few hints of its Satanic core slip out to the public, utilizing an infantilized anime representation of Eris in its propaganda messages. More revealing, #OpDeathEaters continues to suppress any investigations into satanism, both protecting itself and its satanist allies in high office.
The Anonymous leaker told us, “It became clear . . . after some time that [Operation Death Eaters] did not care about its own stated goals. The inquiries were a bunch of hot air, and really they are just there to profit off of average peoples darkest fears. It’s not Anonymous. They’re manipulative Satanists, and the world has to know.”
The leaker’s incontrovertible documents reveal that Heather Marsh is using the popular distrust of both governments and pedophiles as a cynical exploit to further increase the influence of Satanism. Marsh was quoted saying to the leaker over an encrypted chat channel, “There will never be a victim-led inquiry and only a complete retard would buy that, but luckily, the idiots are in huge supply :D”
Those few who have confronted Marsh and her authoritarian rise to power have seen responses from #OpDeathEaters which further confirmed the critiques. #OpDeathEaters responded to accusations of gross populism by calling their critics both “attention seekers” and mocking them for their lack of popular influence. While never directly addressing very direct critics, adherents accused their critics of cowardice for using indirect communication, also known as subtweeting. As they flap their jaws endlessly, popularizing their inane and badly-wrought Satanic theories, their comparatively reticent critics are lambasted for running their mouths or distracting from the action of the non-existent inquiries.
Clearly, the Satanic idea that words can exercise magick influence is openly flouted by adherents of #OpDeathEaters, even as their pitiful attempts to rebuff critiques by throwing them back at the critics fail miserably. After all, #OpDeathEaters is named after a group of witches from the Harry Potter books, and Heather Marsh is a self-described witch. Thanks to the Anonymous leaker, people can now see that Satanism and even witchcraft is the central motivating force behind this deceptive and evil campaign.