Anyone catch Hannity last night? Sound off in the comments on what you thought about the Great American Panel…
ALASKA — Sunday, Edward Snowden was taken into custody by Anchorage Police, arriving in Alaska early in the morning in a black unmarked helicopter. Snowden says he is glad he can now face a fair prosecution, as he hopes his latest documents will vindicate everything.
Snowden spoke, passing out a fresh cache of the most secret White House documents to reporters, “These documents show the White House itself considers terrorism to be mere ‘smoke and mirrors’.”
Snowden looked directly into the cameras and spoke calmly, as police looked on too shocked to stop him from speaking, “America’s most deadly important security threat has been Methane deposits, known as clathrates, that are detonating in Siberia under mysterious conditions. The White House is afraid Vladimir Putin is working with a previously unknown intelligent species living beneath the earth’s crust called the Chelovozyom. In the most terrifying of scenarios, Vladimir Putin and the Chelovozyom are working together to deterraform North America, which will become nothing but deserts and ice within just one generation. There are massive chemtrailing defense programs carried out by the US military to attempt to counteract the effects of climate warfare, but each year of chemtrailing only cancels out the detonation of one methane calthrate, and hundreds of clathrates are detonating each month.
Climatologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “We don’t believe so-called incidental human activated climate change could ever cause the rapid shift in temperatures needed to detonate methane calthrates, and the only explanation possible is purposeful exploitation of these resources to terraform Siberia in a way that is most favorable for Russians and least favorable for North America. So science can back up those claims by Edward Snowden. It is true. North America will be glaciers and deserts very soon, and no amount of chemtrails can stop it now. As for the Chelovozyom, Edward Snowden and seemingly the White House have likely taken some very convincing bait, and I’ll believe it when the Chelovozyom appear on Oprah to greet humanity.”
GERMANY — Psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Lebal Drocer Institute for community health came forward with a counter-intuitive explanation for the murder-suicide committed by Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz.
Dr. Troubador explained that mental illness is deviation from social norms, whereas the Germanwings atrocity was an ultimate confirmation of norms, saying, “Always in the case of mass murder-suicides, there is great confusion over perpetrators who are, on the one hand committing unreasonable and horrendously violent acts supposedly because of mental illness, but on the other often seem to show no signs of very abnormal sickness on close professional psychological examination. I am of the opinion that Andreas Lubitz and many others inhabit a supernormal identity as they commit the atrocities, which is the very opposite of a mental illness. It appears Lubitz was a closeted gay man, and that a recent trauma and breakup with a cover girlfriend spoiled his great efforts towards normality. This, and certainly other normal social pressures in the workplace, triggered the supernormal state in which many school shootings and other murder-suicide plots unfold — a psychological terrain that most contemporary psychology cannot distinguish from so-called sanity until the violence is already done.”
Dr. Troubador’s remarks caused uproar across a spectrum of health sciences, who read many implications into the theory. Dr. Cecilia Darwin explained, “Dr. Troubador diagnoses a sick society, a collective mind that violently detests itself and thinks sickness is a sign of wellness. It is clever, but what can we do with that? How does it help doctors save lives? Are there signs we should be looking for, or is it as undetectable as Dr. Troubador says? What is so controversial is how unhelpful it is.”
INTERNET – The Internet Chronicle is proud to announce we will disable access to the chronicle.su domain for all homosexual readers. This change goes into effect immediately.
Under a fresh new Indiana ruling, chronicle.su is no longer required to cater to the godless homosexual agenda. As a result of this important change, our expert staff of writers and editors will be running more stories about sports, videogames, literature and war.
It’s about ethics in journalism journalism.
Dr. Angstrom T. Heterodauer
All complaints should be registered in the comment fields below; however, be advised that if we detect homosexuality in your post, the comment will be deleted, your IP will be banned, and your voice silenced, forever.
Editor’s Note: Yes, we are losing money but you can’t put a price on religious freedom. As we like to say here at Lebal Drocer, “Freedom ain’t free.”
Obama, O-bam-a, O’ my Ali Babwa…
a framer for our time,
a fountain for our springs,
with eyes cast keen on our days.
You bear the cross that Jefferson glossed
and carry us on our way.
For there is no cost, no naught for dear us,
we are with you like wrinkles with age.
Give us your might! And donate your hours,
while we scour the linings of our cotton trousers,
we’ll throw bestow and blow upon you
the glitter of our bottom dollars.
At last! let life, let full freedom ring,
from sea to shining C-block,
tick tock! make it stop,
tick tock goes the clock on your reign.
Oh term limits be damned!
They’re all the same,
but you, you’re a pearl in this game.
And dark is the day when you go away,
leaving us with the light of a foe.
A woman, a Rand, a randy old man.
There will not be another Hussein.
A world without you? No that I can’t do…
what does this dagger do in my hand?
Forswear it, father! I now go and expire,
Good god! Don’t watch, the blood, it’s a flood.
But Barry, my means, my man…
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Literally no one was shocked to learn of a Saudi Arabian airstrike against the Haradh district of northern Yemen on Monday.
Angstrom Trodlinyiavic, a chief member of the UN human rights council, said he is surprised the bombing only targeted military installations, when everyone knows it is the barbaric women and children of Yemen who are to blame for their country’s upheaval.
“I am only in favor of toppling dictators who oppose American interests,” Troubadour said. “Human rights abuses by Hosni Mubarak to Saddam Hussein had no rhyme or reason. Those men were tyrants. Barack Hussein, on the other hand, and Abdullah of Saudi Arabia only skirt human rights when they absolutely need to. That is the difference with which I rationalize this contradictory, and offensive, narrative.”
A Saudi-led coalition of desert warriors is forming a united military front against the Iranian controlled Houthi militiamen, who are known within intelligence communities to be dangerously equipped with the world’s most advanced pointed sticks and semiautomatic small arms. As the group advances south, toward the city of Aden, Yemen President Rabbu Mansour Hadi is feeling greater pressure than ever to sign off on construction of a new chain of Arby’s restaurants across the northern region of the country.
INTERNET — Nationwide’s latest crazed marketing campaign is based on a software reconstruction and a “quantum leap” in what’s called generative propaganda creation, which has not been possible until now because of the monstrous bulk of data it must collect.
Instead of using traditional focus group techniques, Nationwide’s top-tier advertising draws from the Big Data of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Amazon, Apple, Microsoft, and various Private Intelligence contractors who harvest data in ongoing botnets built into every computer on earth, with the exception of certain revolutionary cryptosystems pioneered by Richard Stallman.
“When corporations are people, you’re a child.” ~ Neil Young
Nationwide’s post-propaganda commercials inspire a pernicious hypnotism over the largest swathes of the population, muting out a flat unemotional cord that is consistently paedo-sadist. Nationwide has not perfected a mirror revealing the truth of humanity, it is rendering the advertiser’s mission of mind rape more clearly than ever.
I do not block out or turn off all ads because I feel a duty to understand and undo their programming for my fellow humans. If you listen to Alex Jones you are being programmed in the most insidious way, because it is a blue pill with a red pill coating. But they always are. That is the history, the reality, and the whole truth of all mankind: blue pills with red pill coatings, but why take pills when weed cures cancer? So There ya go. But this, this really happened: I noticed the Verizon building that is only two blocks from my house — for the very first time in at least five years. It was freezing out, but I swear there were heat waves comin’ off of it. Probably, telecoms were the first to grasp hold of this incredible source, sitting at the terminals of data, suckin on its incredible mindcontrol pool and they’re ahead of the game. Five years, they’d occupied that “blindspot” in my perception. That indiscriminate boxy Verizon building was sloppin’ up spacetime and tryin’ to hide it, but I saw it. And I can tell you, I’m a believer hell is here on earth and that was a little glimpse.
Even as I write this, I’m bogged down with computer glitches and they make the words shift under me as I type them out.
INTERNET — A former ISIS militant told reporters, after escaping into Turkey, that ISIS is, in his words, “A homosexual circlejerk, faggotry of the most despicable type imaginable.”
Speaking under condition of anonymity, the militant said, “You always hear about the sweet little white girls getting married off to big bad men in ISIS, but they don’t care for women except to pump out babies. What turns the fucks on are the nightly all-male orgies, and in their twisted reading of Islam, this disgusting stuff is smiled upon by Allah.”
The militant shrugged when explaining his logic for risking his life to flee ISIS, saying, “I was all for a holy war but not the gay stuff, so I quit. Didn’t worry about my life.”
Grinding his teeth in anger, the militant seethed, “First they light this huge brick of hash in this tiny little tent packed with big bearded men, and it just gets so smokey and everyone’s all screwed up. They rub up on each other, fondle and grab at each other, until they all get worked up and their cocks are real heard, and that’s when the circle jerking begins. They’re not much into ass fucking except when they capture a bunch of young boys, and that shit is so gruesome. These kids, sometimes infants, are just fucked to death, and there’s shit and blood all over their cocks. It’s an Ian Watkins nightmare.”
When asked if any of the rape victims survived, the militant nodded, “Oh, yeah, of course, in fact the survivors — if they’re young enough — they’re initiated and revered for their toughness, and they fight on the front lines of the battles. Those who survive but won’t fight are thrown off of roofs, so that ISIS can maintain its anti-gay image, but that’s all it is, an image. They know it sells well to the little white girls they need for breeding stock.”
INTERNET — Boy band star Zayn Malik has joined forces with Islamic terrorist group ISIS, after his former group, One Direction, waned in popularity and was torn apart by feuding.
Authorities say Malik self-radicalized by interacting with jihadis on the social media web site Twitter. Malik deleted a tweet just a few days ago that said, “One Direction — Islam!”
Malik has already put his talents to use and joined the Chanting Emirs, a traditional music group that produces Islamic chants and propaganda pop tunes for the Islamic State, selling its edgy, sexy image particularly to teens fed up with Western values.
UPDATE: Young girls, smitten with Zayne, have promised to join ISIS on the #JoinISISforZayn hashtag in a bid for the possibility of being Zayn’s wife. The #cut4Zayn hashtag similarly encourages young women to cut themselves in a desperate plea to get Zayn to give up his life as a terrorist.
INTERNET — Rael, founder and prophet of the nascent world religion Raelism, announced Friday that his human cloning facility in New Jerusalem, Israel is transitioning out of experimental stages and into full reproductive capacities. Speaking in a live internet broadcast to an estimated 80,000 followers across the globe, Rael said, “Preparations for the imminent arrival of the Elohim are nearing their culmination. Now is the time for the great pilgrimage, where the faithful will amass at the embassy for the Elohim in New Jerusalem and cleanse themselves in preparation.”
An anonymous Raelist bishop spoke with the Internet Chronicle, suggesting that a human cloning facility with the capacity for 1,000 births per year was judged by Rael to be a sufficient quantity to replace a small city’s need for sexual reproduction. The bishop said, “I know it sounds like scifi, but we’re expecting at least 10,000 adherents to immediately move to New Jerusalem, where sexual reproduction will be made impossible.”
Describing the process of entrance into New Jerusalem, the anonymous bishop said, “First, each person’s DNA will be sampled and preserved in three secret locations using alternate techniques, and then they will be surgically or chemically sterilized, depending on recommendations of doctors. Then they are given a numbered tattoo which identifies and ties them permanently to their DNA. Upon death, their DNA will be pulled from the banks and if all goes to plan a new child will grow to adulthood and continue the life and projects of the deceased.”
The anonymous bishop explained that the concern among the top echelon of Raelism was that the religion would become too popular, “Those with a permanent sexually transmitted disease are either denied entry or given a special mark identifying their status. We’ve been concerned that the existing demand for genetic immortality and a safe environment free of sex disease and pregnancy might shock the religion with new converts and we definitely don’t want to turn people down.”
The Raelist bishop added, “Cloning is not that hard, or even that expensive, and we’ve perfected it on a fairly industrial scale. I doubt we’ll be turning anyone down, in fact, franchise clone factories are already under secret construction in Asia and North America at so-called overflow sites where we are planning other clone-only Raelist cities.”
The chronicle.su is perfect in every way. Stop the Internet.