Category: News

NEW YORK– A desperate man stood in the interior hallway of his Brooklyn home Thursday, waiting impatiently to use the bathroom.

“I was standing there a good five minutes, staring at the strip of light shining through the door jam,” Mark Allen, 26, told reporters in front of Tony’s Pizzeria on Manhattan Avenue. “That’s when I heard the shower.”

Allen said Janet, the hostess, eyed him suspiciously as he entered the empty restaurant at 10 a.m. and walked past her to the restroom.

“People are constantly coming in off the street and asking to use our restroom,” Janet said. “As soon as Mark walked in, I knew what he was up to. He said hello to me in a fake pleasant tone, and walked right past my station.”

Janet’s irritated demeanor told Allen his presence in the establishment was not welcome, and he began to feel guilty. Allen was determined to justify himself.

“I made it to the bathroom, and locked the door, so I had time to think,” Allen said. “I hadn’t eaten anything yet, having only just crawled out of bed, so while I was sitting there, doing my business, I thought, ‘I’ll prove that bitch wrong. Shoot me a dirty look, will she?’ Why, as soon I exit this bathroom, I’ll buy a slice a pizza while I’m here. That’ll show her!”

Without looking in Janet’s direction, Allen said he got in line for pizza, and ordered two slices of pepperoni, and a Coke. As he paid, he glanced over to Janet, who hung her head in embarrassment.

“I really thought he just wanted to use the bathroom like a common bum,” Janet said. “But it turns out I’m the asshole. Mark is a paying customer, and had every right to shit in our toilet. I really need to keep my prejudice in check.”

Within its Red, White, and Blue packaging the bone-melting acid of Dew SA rips into your kidneys while torturing your taste buds with memories of watered down cough syrup, the flavor of force-fed childhood trauma. Continue reading “Purchase a bottle of Dew SA today!”

INTERNET — Fans around the world mourn the death of President Trump, host of the Apprentice, who was covertly assassinated by the deep state at the age of 70.

Trump was killed and replaced with a computer generated fake sometime Wednesday afternoon, according to reports leaked from insiders at the CIA. Shortly after, the fake representation of Donald Trump, uncharacteristically swayed by “Fake News” coverage of a chemical attack on children in Syria, declared war and fired sixty missiles, destroying a Syrian air force base. Earlier, the Trump simulation fired chief White House adviser, Stephen Bannon.

Several minutes before the air strike, ISIS forces allied with the Deep State surged forward in a coordinated attack, capturing new territory in Syria for the first time in months.

Technical Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “When Disney has the technology to simulate dead actors perfectly, don’t you think the Deep State has something a little bit better than that?”

Infowars contributor Paul Joseph Watson told listeners, “It’s possible the deep state even 3d-printed a Trump replica to fool friends and family. But now the globalists will use this simulation puppet to draw the world into an apocalyptic war that will finally wipe humanity off the map. It’s possible they even kept Trump alive to torture and molest in the basement at Comet Pizza.”

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was similarly replaced by CGI some time last year.

In a complete rage, America’s most trusted news anchor Alex Jones roared at his audience, “Back before CGI, the globalists would simply kill their enemies, like JFK, but now they’re able to utilize them, taking their images like puppets, controlling the very people who are most dangerous to them. That’s how they control the people. That’s how they control you. You’ll see a lot of Trump supporters going along with the globalists, and there’s nothing we can do. We tried folks, but we lost. Even though they know the gas attacks are all Fake News, they’ll still trust the President. Humanity has lost.”

The view from secretive dictator and leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un’s residence in the pinnacle suite of the Ryugyong Hotel reveals every inch of Pyongyang in a full 360 degree panorama. Even the building below is totally revealed, so no American thrill-seekers will disgrace his honor by scaling his tower, like some capitalist Rat, ever again. They’re all spies, all of the Americans. Especially the journalists. Un inserts a tape into his boombox.

“The efforts towards worldwide military domination by the United States Government propaganda and weaponry distribution projects have compromised many governments of the world most especially since the birth of the atomic age. Trump has to tell everyone the bomb is cocked again and aimed right at ISIS. But he was installed by Russia, just as the first beginnings of Putin’s regime were installed by Americans. But in the end, the nuclear bombs are installing these governments. They’re getting worse, every day and they’re not going to get better until the global nuclear HATE network is destroyed. It isn’t sentient, yet, but even now, the madmen are its tool. It is more powerful than they are, even though seemingly inert. Its mere potential, the threat in every mind robs us of innocence. World War 2 was fought in mere anticipation of the possibility of something like a nuclear weapon, and so it produced it! But now, Now…”

Inside of the network of nuclear targeting computers connected by an enemy-monitoring fiber optic lines with less than 10 ping, Kim Jong Un is playing Counter-Strike: Global Offensive with ISIS gamertage [JUCHE]Un, avatar Jim Lahey with a bottle. Ms. Un tops off his glass of Hennessy, but it is as if he doesn’t notice. “Get me a Monster!” The energy drink is fresh as hell, with crushed amphetamines added surreptitiously by his doctor so that he can rule with the high energy hitler had, after an order given originally by his father, Kim Jong-Il.

He’s been listening to Dr. Troubador’s bestselling self-help audiobook, Super Strength for the Nuclear Dawn. Another recommendation of Kim Jong-Il. “We can’t get our shit together. Get Brexited, Scotland. The bombs are all around us and some people can’t wait, they go ISIS! They were going ISIS before there was an ISIS. They hope to get the business going at a more civil level, because the light’s a bit too bright and the dust’s a bit too dark. It’s so damn bright it’ll burn your skin off, and if that don’t get ya, the clouds and computers will! When you put your data in the clouds, it’s them clouds from Terminator, from the Matrix. Don’t you get that?”

He’s God Damn Right, Un thinks. Everyone will be a pile of ash if they don’t do what God says. But Un’s the God right now. The God of Counter-Strike. ISIS is on the Discord sayin’, “ns m8 when you gonna wholesale price the big one.”

Un’s all, “Get a real sub and we’ll talk. Can’t wholesale them just yet and without ’em the nuke is useless. Give it time.”

“nepotism in ur dictatorship of the proletariat. sweetest gaming computer of anyone on earth and you aren’t even topfragging,” the ISIS guy shuts Un down. “fake dictator”

“Learn to click your mouse a little better.” Un headshots ISIS, igniting a firestorm of teamkilling and maniacal cartoon villain laughter on all sides.

INTERNET — Health insurance premiums across the nation skyrocketed over 9000% Saturday, as the Trump White House put pressure on insurance executives to work together to raise prices. President Trump himself invited the heads of major insurers Kaiser, UnitedHealth, Anthem, Aetna, Cigna, and HCSC to the golf course at his Mar-A-Lago resort, where the world’s biggest deals are made over eighteen grueling holes in the Florida sun. Trump told reporters, “Obamacare’s already exploding, people. I hate to say it, but I told you so.”

A leaker known only as PanchoVilla420 tweeted conversations overheard while working in the Mar-A-Lago cafe. Trump reportedly told the table of grinning insurance CEOs, “This is a major win for us. Tired of winning yet? We’re going to make billions, people. It’s going to be great. And we can just say this is what Obama wanted, so that’s what everyone’s going to get. It’s his plan, our money. The poor people, they’re going to die out or take on lifetime debt while the rich thrive, just as nature intended.”

Historian Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Lebal Drocer institute suggested that the explosion of Obamacare marks the first truly major tectonic shift of power from national governments to corporations, a moment which may come to characterize a new dominant world order. “This is like when Philip the Fair captured and dismantled the papacy as a political entity. Major, major shift in power. By making basic healthcare entail a lifetime of debt, corporations around the world will be able to create a newer more potent form of serfdom and use this power to control and discipline billions. They’ll tell you what to eat, force you to exercise, imprison you for smoking, and punish you for extreme sports because you put your faith in the free market rather than democracy. The victors are already drawing their first drafts of history, where blame will be thrown on democratic socialist institutions, as represented by the great Satan Obama and the bloodthirsty abortionists, further strengthening the iron grip of capital on the culture and the people of the future.”