INTERNET — Joseph Thorenson, CEO of Lifelike Creations, LLC, the world’s leading manufacturer of robotic sex dolls, came forward with shocking revelations Wednesday after a business dispute and falling out with his biggest client, billionaire Elon Musk brought his company to the brink of bankruptcy.
“We gave Elon the rock star treatment. A totally bespoke doll modeled after his ex-wife, Grimes. For the first time ever we installed a ChatGPT interface, AI voice synthesis, robotic articulation, self-lubricating, self-cleaning, state of the art automatic vagina. At first glance, the doll might have even fooled me,” Thorenson said. “And initially, he was an incredibly happy customer.”
But the billionaire’s appetite for more and more features drew the company into a quagmire of innovations that stretched the cutting edge of technology beyond what was currently possible, Thorenson complained.
“Mr. Musk was unhappy with the context window of ChatGPT, and he didn’t feel that we had trained his ex-wife’s voice properly. But uh, the thing was, we were putting new vaginas into her as many as ten times per month.”
Each time Musk wore out the sex doll, he came up with a new complaint. “At first, he wanted her personality to be more feisty, so we turned up the temperature on the language model. Then he wanted more articulations in her fingers. Then he wanted more life-like breasts. It was never enough.”
In the depths of his sex doll frenzy, Musk reportedly damaged parts of the Grimes replica beyond repair. “We had to cast a whole new head after he caved it in, and then we replace all the joints. God only knows what kind of rage fucking he was doing to that doll, to be shearing half-inch stainless steel pins like that.”
After seeing the tremendous bill for the replacement head, the CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and Twitter left Lifelike Creations hanging. “We sent him an invoice for the repairs, which totalled just over $10 million, but he left us hanging and won’t return our calls. Now we’re stuck with this super-sophisticated Grimes doll, and well, maybe someone out there will want to buy it. Could be good for a music video, or something.”
Following Musk’s sex doll rampage, Thorenson has had to look at all options, including bankruptcy. “It’s actually pretty dire situation right now, as we didn’t consider one of the world’s wealthiest men could turn out to be such a deadbeat. The whole company is in jeopardy.”
Internet Chronicle reporters reached Grimes, who commented, “The fuckdoll stuff, it’s not really a vibe. It’s part of why we divorced, along with the carbs. In spite of all this I think AI is still the best shortcut to full communism.”