Michio Kaku: “Aliens have infiltrated our internet”

“Aliens have already begun psyops and largescale infiltration of the internet to turn humanity against itself so that a small scale invasion across interstellar distances will be possible.”

INTERNET — Theoretical Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku told reporters Sunday that he thinks an advanced alien species may have infiltrated the earth’s internet to sow discord and soften up humanity for a potential invasion.

Dr. Kaku, speaking at an event held by former Blink 182 musician Tom Delonge told reporters, “The only truly credible reports of UFOs have followed a very troubling pattern. Always they are tracking our fighter jets or interfering with nuclear weapons systems — and these stories show a coherent and disturbing pattern that is very consistent from person to person and from nation to nation.”

Tom Delonge slouched and his eyes teared up as he gripped his mic, trying to settle the conference room. “We’ll take your questions later. And no, this isn’t a joke — not a prank.”

Dr. Kaku continued, “Thank you Tom. Imagine, for a moment, if a group of chimpanzees suddenly learned to make stone-tipped spears or started crafting bows and arrows. This might not be a major threat to our civilization, but it certainly would draw our attention, especially the attention of people who live nearby. Even worse, imagine if they discovered fire.”

Delonge waved his hand dismissively at the cries from the conference room, “In the end, I know we’d kill them. Chimps setting fires all over the place would just be too dangerous. Whatever scientists think, the people living in the area would not be very tolerant for very long, and look: We’re the chimps with nukes — it’s a situation that no advanced species in our vicinity can tolerate.”

Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately I’d say that our goose is likely already cooked.

Dr. Kaku looked stern and spoke with incredible clarity, “When humanity deployed its first nuclear weapons, this must have instantly drawn the attention of anyone in our galactic neighborhood. The gamma burst would create an unmistakable signature that would be easily detected at a great distance. These accounts of nuclear weapons being disabled by strange lights in the sky are credible evidence of an advanced species displaying total military superiority. The strange craft that zip around fighter jets, changing direction and accelerating at unbelievable speed, even apparently surviving blasts from machine guns, this is the aliens making their presence known, as I predicted earlier this year.”

Tom Delonge, ashen and emotionless, announced, “Our cyberspace is totally defenseless against such an advanced threat. There is no encryption that can keep them out, no fake news filters that can stop their influence, and no sense in resisting. It’s already too late. Look around you. Everyone is at everyone else’s throats and we’re on the brink of a third world war. How can we resist psyops from such an advanced threat?”

Dr. Kaku shook his head, “It doesn’t look good. But I have been looking long and hard at the encounter between Europeans and the civilizations in the Americas. In that case, there wasn’t a very large technological gap, at least compared with what we’re facing now. But on the optimistic side, the technological advantage, in itself, wasn’t the determining factor. Rather, the Spanish were able to play groups against each other and take advantage of a civilization that was in disarray, turning factions against one another. It was just so expensive and time consuming to move resources and men across the ocean, and a major invasion was just not possible. But by turning factions against each other, a very small group of about five hundred men were able to take over a civilization of millions. I believe any spacefaring conquerors will almost surely follow this pattern. So it is a major challenge for humanity to suddenly transform itself into a Level I civilization, to settle our differences peacefully. Judging by the strange, scripted, and fictional feel of events lately I’d say that our goose is likely already cooked. But if we wise up suddenly, there is a very good chance we can resist them. They may be very advanced, but we have the home field advantage. We don’t need to move our weaponry across interstellar space.”

“There are so many other scenarios we’ve worked out with the Pentagon,” Delonge said. “For instance, there are, likely as not, several competitors for power over Earth, each of them using one nation or another as a proxy. Think of it, if an alien species asked to ally with your nation and said it could disable the nukes of a much bigger country that was threatening you, putting sanctions on you, and making your life miserable, you’d probably make that deal. It’s obvious. And this is why a lot of people at the Pentagon don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to be seen as puppets of a more advanced species.”

Dr. Troubadour’s Tips for a safe, healthy 9/11 Remembrance

Sup dudes! After this year’s underwhelming 9/11 memorial (Presidents crying in a field), the kind men in charge of Internet Chronicle asked me to write this short, easy-to-understand 9/11 remembrance for dummies. Spice up your next 9/11 with a television-based diamond-encrusted, double platinum freakout, using my simple tips. Forged in a furnace of Internet Memes, the next 9/11 memorial will be even more Never Forgetty than the last.

[Editor’s Note – shop talk edition: The entertainment braintrust at Lebal Drocer reflected and realized: We simply  don’t take enough time here at the Chronicle to remember 9/11, which makes us hypocrites after swearing we’d Never Forget. This is strictly unforgivable.]

Today we are Anonymous: We do not forget. We do not forgive.

9/11 — Never Forgive

promo

In the course of remembrance, you might experience mystic events. This feeling of intense nationalism produces a sudden euphoria. This is not normal. This means you are a chosen patriot made up of pure, impulses. Take the world from darkness into light with Dr. Troubadour’s tips for a healthy 9/11 memorial.

walking through body scanners doses you with gene altering radiation and fights terror! Freedom isn’t free. We once nuked the land of our enemies. Now we irradiate our own people with machines.

Tip 1

dr troubadourDr. T says

If you want to wage a war on terror, you’ll have to fight a few battles with cancer.

Tip 2

Act like you don’t know what 9/11 is. This will endear you to your fellow citizens. Ask sincerely what 9/11 means. You’ve never heard of it.

Tip 3

Never forget. If you’re a real patriot, like us here at Chronicle, 9/11 is every day. September 11th is every fucking day. I wake up and say a prayer to the victims. And there’s certain stuff I won’t laugh at before 10 a.m. Just because today isn’t 9/11 – it’s not even September – doesn’t mean our hearts don’t go out to the victims of that terrible tragedy. It would be absurd to think otherwise.

Just the thought of it sends me into frenzies wherein I foam at the mouth and curse whatever God cast the dice of our very existence. Maybe I’m taking it too far. That’s just what 9/11 means to me.

This article is part 1 in an October series entitled Why Now? An Internet Chronicle introspective series in which we undermine and discredit sacred things for no purpose at all. Just shitting on you and stuff.

Madness at the Grocery as Hurricane Florence bears down on America

Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks
Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks

INTERNET — Seventeen hurricanes are loading up with hate over Africa, tearing a swath of destruction towards the Atlantic and the east coast of America. Grocery stores are manic with energy as Florence bears down but shelves are empty and customers are suffering from a mass outbreak of psychotic episodes.

“Why don’t they nuke the goddamn hurricane?” A man in a loud Hawaiian shirt shouted at a pile of emergency rations. “And why is this goddamn cart’s wheel stuck! God Dammit!” He threw the cart on the ground and told the nearby manager, “Look at this piece of shit store you’re running here. Goddamn cart wheel’s broken.”

Store manager Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador shook his head and said,”Tier One Civilization. It’s the Kardashev scale. We’re at tier zero because we have not tamed the earth’s energies. Well, actually we have, but our pyromaniac engineers have designed a string of seventeen hurricanes that power a spying ‘social media’ bought and paid for by a nascent neofascist political world order.”

“Fuck you! Fuck the store! Fuck everyone!” the man roared, crunching packets of ramen into his pockets and hurling a beer bottle at the concrete floor.

Dr. Troubador looked wistfully at the tall cumulus clouds through the vast windows above the Customer Service department and its dense assortment of tobacco products. “Yes we all know the carbon dioxide is to blame. But has anyone ever considered the effects of turbines, pistons, propellers, and all the billions of little devices spinning off into the air? It seems almost as if these gizmos are designed to stir up hurricanes, if you think about it for long enough.”

The angry man began to pick up the glass. “I’m very sorry about this mess.”

“Say nothing of it!” Dr. Troubador waved his hand and several red-vested customer service experts swept and mopped the mess and uprighted the man’s cart in a onslaught similar to a SWAT team.

He blinked, staring off at the clouds, dazed by the flurry of action.

“We’re getting several cases like you each hour. But I wonder now, what would a 50 megaton thermonuclear device do if it was detonated in the center of a hurricane?” Scratching at his iconic notepad and doing quick calculations on a scientific calculator app, Troubador raised an eyebrow. “My God look at this man! The incredible heat vaporizing all that water and the concussion waves – not to mention the X-Ray ablation. Add it all up and you’d have a hurricane that would stretch from Brazil to Quebec! Jesus Christ, let’s hope they don’t drop a nuke on it.”

Angstrom H. Troubador’s new self-help health book for “bros,” Healthy as Fuck, is in stores now!

Already forgetting his psychotic break, the man in the Hawaiian shirt walked off muttering “god damn” at price tags, pieces of ramen falling all over the place.

Dr. Troubador cruised his Segway towards the loud yelps and howls from the produce department, thinking about what a neutron bomb salted with cobalt would do when popped off at the center of a hurricane.

“I wish you had some real vegetables,” the dreadlocked woman hissed at Dr. Troubador. “All this fake monsanto shit tastes like shit and is made of glyphosate chemtrails!”

“Ma’am vegetables are shit. Shit and sunshine. You won’t find any more natural vegetables than these here. Except over there in the organic section, if you can afford it.”

The dreadlocked woman smashed the squash open and ate with her eyes wide, pieces falling out. “Look at me, I’m healthy. I’m a healthy healthy healthy health.”

Dr. Troubador blanched at this vulgarity, but regained his composure almost immediately. “Our individual, narrow idea of what mother nature’s essence is will only further complicate the matter. It’s true, Monsanto has made some small improvements to crop yields and patented what amounts to a small modification of millennia of human ingenuity. It’s a real racket and I hope they lock the bastards up.”

She stripped off her squash tainted clothes and screeched, “Gaia! Mother Gaia! I am free!”

“There’s no helping you, I can see now. Whatever you do, don’t go into farming. It’ll only take you farther from nature. I recommend you join up with the Femen movement immediately.”

“Thank you Doctor Troubador. That’s exactly what I’ll do. I thought the squash was actually okay, even mediocre.”

Troubador waved off the red vests and helped her clean up the terrible mess with the shirt off his back. “That’s the secret of our success. Outstanding mediocrity. But don’t tell anyone I told you.”

Wasted: Political Science and Economics of the “New” World Order

There is great confusion, generally, about the terms ‘liberal democracy’, the related ‘neoliberalism’, ‘republicanism’, as well as ‘fascism’ and ‘neofascism’. While some of these terms are often jumbled around in murky waters and Orwellized by all-too-clear propaganda, so it might be easy to meet any of them with the scoff of dismissal that shows you know everything and nothing at the same time. Perhaps the meanings are not easy to suss out for those who aren’t interested in reading about political science or history, and very difficult for readers who are very limited to the ‘blogosphere’, and totally impossible for those who strongly receive propaganda, but for today only, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador is pouring out his intellectual gravy for the internet masses to summarily reject and eject, injecting wordplay like a tired and unfun episode (medical) coming out of Lionel Nation’s big mouth.

Firstly, a liberal democracy is a weak democracy, in fact it is one purposefully designed to protect the property of the rich and powerful. This kind of limited democracy in which only political rights are appropriate for the masses to debate purposefully engendered an ongoing ‘culture war’ wherein civil rights are the only rights that many citizens, for example Ta Nehisi Coates, can even imagine. Early liberal thinkers did not go out of their way to hide the fact that they distrusted democracy and looked at it as an instrument by which the rich and powerful could preserve and legitimize their power. To put a fine point on it, a liberal democracy that is operating as originally intended is an oligarchy. In practice, however, this oligarchy is forever in constant peril.

That doesn’t sound very ‘liberal’, at least in the common usage of the word in the United States at this moment. But to understand why a ‘liberal’ is also an American leftist is impossible without a quick history. The liberal oligarchs of 19th century Europe (and the Americas) controlled all economic policy which engendered a terrible global crisis, triggering some of the worst wars and famines in history as the 20th century dawned. The invisible hand of nature failed their generations miserably, and through the mechanisms of democracy which were originally supposed to only be a sham legitimizer of their rule, and through the war and revolutions, some policies, governments, and institutions that were robustly democratic emerged around the world in the wake of this disaster. Militarist reactionaries in Mussolini’s Italy and Hitler’s Germany wanted to set back the clock and recapture the naturalizing economics and a semblance of the former order from the grasp of democracy. Hitler actually got his start by denying that Germany lost the war, which should tell you something. Through perverted norms of civility, cynical mass propaganda techniques and so on, this nostalgic daydream deepened the crisis in Germany and ultimately only brought on a nightmare of economic cannibalism in the concentration camps, much akin to what Swift brought ‘ad absurdum’ when liberalism was a fresh 18th century way to enlighten your powdery whigged up head. But, mostly thanks to the communist grit and sacrifice, the skeletal specter of fascism passed and was forgotten, and over much of the 20th century the strongly democratic economic policies of now not-so-liberal nations like America built up educated work forces and absorbed millions from around the world into a fertile and rich economy that seemed to never slow down. But, like a zombie from the 18th century, ‘neoliberal’ dogmatists clawed their way out from under Hitler’s tombstone, murmuring their self-concerned discontent. It wasn’t natural that they should pay taxes, that democracy should exist beyond some flimsy sham of a culture war. They felt bad about beating up Nazis in their opportunistic charge to carve up Europe, and had long talks with Werhner Von Braun about colonizing the moon with nothing but white babies. Joe McCarthy and Richard Nixon killed JFK, MLK, declared war on humanity itself, and did it all in the name of Nature, blasted their message on television night and day, and ultimately created a culture that cheered for a reality TV show fetishizing a string of firings that can only leave one person in all of the world with a high paying job. And that’s why Bill Clinton and other democrats had to call themselves ‘liberal’, so you can be sure he’s not a communist. Although for the money, the best usage of all comes from the right wing bumper stickers declaring that liberalism is a mental disorder. Specifically, economic liberalism is the grandiose delusion in which one’s own property is inflated into a law of nature and made untaxable. ‘Neoliberalism’ is specifically the expropriation of democratic institutions by private ownership, and it is the direct track to neofascism paved by the CIA when they lit the sanction-busted Soviet’s government on fire and expropriated the whole goddamn empire. Putin was among the first neofascists, and it was just what the paperclippers in the CIA ordered.

As for ‘republicanism’, this was an ancient Roman concept that was rebirthed by Machiavelli in his most famous work, The Discourses of Livy. Unlike in the little-known pamphlet of personal advice for a dictator of a no longer existing form of government, The Prince, the Discourses is the book in which Machiavelli set out the schematic for a fully modern nation state. Featuring three branches resembling oligarchy, monarchy, and democracy all set against one another in tension Machiavelli designed the stability that is today embodied in many modern nation states that have hung around for unusually elongated historic periods. In the sense of American politics, a Republican is a Conservative with that eye for stability and properly separated power Machiavelli set forward in his book. But this scientific view of politics and the staunch conservatism always on the losing side of centuries of culture wars has broken open, seemingly without crisis, into a full-fledged oligarchist front which has now implemented a policy of crisis to make way for the neofascist cannibal type hotfixes already in experimental stages, to help bust open its own mean shell. Blowing up the ACA. Big irony to conclude today with, of course, the Trump Administration’s rabid anti-republican rhetoric dismissing all legitimacy in the other branches of government, and even parts of the executive that have a layer of traditional separation from the president’s office for reasons of propriety that are so obvious even Barrett Brown could spot it from the bottom of a junk binge. Neoliberal? That don’t mean nothin!

Rust World-Making: A hundred square miles of horror

Here, I recreated the WTC

INTERNET — The loser and abuser bottomfeeder cabal at Rusty Cartographer’s Discord sunk back into the shadows as their shittalk’s been replaced with a fecund deluge of shitposting at a far superior caliber.

The bottomfeeder refrains for ‘balance’ and insistence that their time is the most important ingredient in their work were fucked to begin with. Any hint of economy in your work and their paroxysm of self abasement can trigger a fullcringe at 300m. Three months now into custom world development for Rust, and the weak or unfertilized are falling off the vine.

But boy, a few are ripe and taking a zerging from the paradoxical hungry beast, the Rust Community. Artyom of Drake’s State has foregone all pretension, simply editing in some fun youtube selling point for an otherwise procedurally generated world. In this way Artyom has shown the most economy, and even still drawn suppression from the world making community.

That was probably when the bottomfeeders fucked off, the day Artyom’s trailer was deleted, and then later restored after I complained. Some moderator called me paranoid, making him at least the third moderator to insult me and my work publicly — this is with me discluding dozens of moments that might, in certain light, just be an honest miscommunication.

Everything happened in plain sight without need for presuming conspiracy. A rigid aesthetic entirely devoted to preserving the experience of a procedurally generated world condensed like beads of water on a cold glass in summer. As soon as the public was given tools to edit Rust worlds, a counsel of self-appointed narrow minded dogmatists who didn’t want Rust to change instituted the rules of discourse for the discord, as well as their ideal for a successful world, but they didn’t apply either to themselves.

My wild foray into a little world with nothing but small islands rustled their jimmies, indeed when I first posted images of Waterworld, a couple moderators at the discord insulted my work. I cringed and went about my business. Later of course I found out one of them had a similar island project underway.

Since then, things have turned around somewhat. I have personally beaten the drum for a spirit of openmindedness in civil discussion and angry outbursts to great effect. Artyom’s video was only momentarily censored, of course. Some clever readers may even have noticed the bitter irony there, that Artyom’s approach of making small edits to a procedural world should also outrage the people who want to preserve the feel of the procedural world. Isn’t that what they want, anyway? But after all, it was never about creators adhering to a list of aesthetic demands. It was an old time story about hatred and fear, jealousy and incompetence. Rule by the suspiciously early, by those with little ability to produce any object of desire, by those who hate any compromise within the narrow constraints of a half-born world creation software system but love to make rules and reasons for rules and never ending lists of excuses for bad reasons. What a shame.

I’ve been accused of self-victimization, paranoia, all that bullshit by the bottomfeeder types and their moderator sympathizers. But today, I enjoyed a great spectacle of hypocrisy,  watching the re-creator of the backward-looking Legacy world and other big timers whinging on about some zero population server hosting his creation without permission. Oh, what a joy to see the server’s name: “Rust Legacy (with cars)”

That must leave the inquisitive and the Rust-ignorant reader with a few questions. Firstly, the cars are so new they haven’t even been introduced into the game yet, so yes, they put a brilliant cherry of novelty on top of something old and shitty and designed to trigger our tired sense of nostalgia for a long gone yesteryear. Secondly, yes, the re-creator of an old sad world from the early days of Rust is totally upset that his copy of someone else’s work has itself been copied and changed in this vile way. And of course, yeah, recreating something has its own creativity involved and we’ll give the guy his due, sure thing, but; Thirdly, yes his butthurt is viral and pinging back and forth inflicting great pain upon the frail and wimpy Rust Elites who just want everything to go back to the magic of the first rush of Heroin Hero and will instead suffer for all eternity. Shocker.

My daily funeral for old rust has a dixie band with brass instruments, rather than a dusty, barren old world. Things that no one’s ever seen in their whole life, like Dust 2,  Rust from COD, the Rust Khalifa,  Rusty Mosque, Oil Rig, Artillery Platforms, and hell I’m just getting started and that’s not even half the list. My colorful worlds have been played by thousands, ripped off, stolen, edited, sucked out of their beautiful backdrops and dropped inside of a combat tag megawall, griefed, and run through the mud thanks to a conspiracy of CIA-controlled whisper campaigns. And as of today the goddamn software won’t even respawn custom loot and I ain’t shed more than a tear or two over it. However, I can tell you that it’s about to get a lot better and these experiments of mine have long legs no matter what the rules some discord operators come up with.

 

Get Advanced! Subscribe to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador’s guide to Advanced Video Game manufacture and call his abuse hotline for toll-free howtos and faqs at 917 675-4836. Mention ‘Constructive Criticism’ and get 75% off!

Gangstalkers being used to suppress Russian trolls

Rare footage shows two gangstalkers caught on film in a Linden, New Jersey Walmart. The man in the background is not involved.
Rare footage shows two gangstalkers caught on film in a Linden, New Jersey Walmart. The man in the background is not involved.

MOSCOW–Americans wary of Russian trolls meddling in their social media need not worry. A mercurial group known loosely as ‘gangstalkers’ have reportedly shown up at targeted individuals’ workplaces, homes, and churches to menace individual Russian trolls rumored to operate dozens of accounts per day from a single computer.

Insider reports coming out of Russian troll farms in Moscow mostly involve the trademark sudden appearance of gangstalkers outside the homes and offices of the Russian trolls controlling our democracy.

Gangstalkers are even said to appear unannounced in public places like department stores and supermarkets to harass or intimidate victims. But is the group guided by a conscious force?

Do you even know what is going on in this country?

Russian trolls use all manner of virtual machines, VPNs and onion routing to disguise their activity from Twitter and make their traffic appear convincing to third-party network audits. For too long Russian trolls were allowed to poison America’s media diet with propaganda. Gangstalkers noticed, and began a full-scale assault on trolls by targeting individuals associated with troll farming in Russia.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is a former gangstalker and public speaker after retiring in the late 90s. Troubadour now describes his tactics to a small class of about 12 aspiring gangstalkers at the University of Lebal Drocer in Boulder, Colorado.

“No matter what you’re interested in, you got to be a little obsessive,” Troubadour told Chronicle in a phone interview Wednesday. “Whether it’s anime, or ejaculating on miniature anime figurines, or ordering plastic surgery to look like your favorite ecchi star, you’ve got to be just a little bit obsessive to get into this gangstalking stuff.”

Troubadour, a 49-year-old father of two, once spent hours each sleepless night scouring social media to unmask and harass Russian troll operatives popping up on his Facebook feed. Now, he just talks about it like an old burnout.

You used to be somebody, Troubadour. Now look at you. Smarmy cunt. Because a classroom full of college students thinks you’re funny, that must mean you’re a complete man, now, huh? You “made it” didn’t you? The fuck outta here. “Experts” are “Ex-” used to be somebodies. Now you’re nothing.

Real Gangstalkers: Call Radio Hate tonight at midnight EST to talk to HATESEC LIVE at (917) 675-4836. Internet Chronicle wants to hear your gangstalking stories and bloopers. We want to hear from YOU – the fucking losers in this world.

Newly discovered cave paintings depict ancient lives of intense boredom

It was not all that long ago that fire and wildlife meant everything to mankind. And just because we’re not into that boring shit anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still pretend to appreciate 35,000-year-old cave paintings in this news article.

Reddit users were given first glimpse of the cave paintings, which were quickly downvoted off the front page before they could bore anyone else.
Reddit users were given first glimpse of the cave paintings, which were quickly downvoted off the front page before they could bore anyone else.

Before seamless.com all humans sustained themselves through hunting, fishing or gathering (get a phone, Cro-Magnons!), according to Dr. Mann Lee Troubadox of the Lebal Drocer Institute for Cellular Data Technology. Troubadox, with his team of nameless indigenous children, recently discovered a swathe of cave paintings that revealed just how boring life was before the newly-refined iPhone X.

“We listened to consumers and wish to assure you the new features contained in the iPhone X Plus will piss on Samsung’s barbaric emoji keyboard, as Calvin would defiantly piss upon a Ford icon or – if you’re a Jeff Gordon fan – a Chevrolet bow-tie,” Troubadox said. “My team attempted to downvote every painting on the cave walls, whether it was for a lack of attention to important details, or the artist failed to capture the  aesthetic that a Snapchat filter might’ve offered – or for other reasons – like if the painting was offensive, off-topic, or painted in the wrong sub-cave.”

While the Android world is making strides every day in camera technology, it took hundreds of thousands of years for cave paintings to move away from uninteresting tales about hunter/gatherer lifestyle, and into cool shit like marking the sudden appearances of supernovae: star explosions that were once inaccurately attributed to God, before woke cave painters like Banksy could hear Carl Sagan auto-tuned.

Even a star exploding in the daytime sky looks boring when painted on a dank cave interior. Pics or it didn't happen!
Even a star exploding in the daytime sky looks boring when painted on a dank cave interior. Pics or it didn’t happen!

Though we are likely two months out from seeing the next iPhone, Troubadox and his team are working tirelessly to scan and publish cave paintings, as if they are even remotely worth looking at when there’s so much cool stuff happening right now on Instagram.

“Instagram pictures aren’t just square, anymore. The introduction of rectangles to the platform has revolutionized the way people share,” Troubadox said. “We hope to recreate some of these paintings for upload to Instagram where they can be dismissed with the same apathy as the uninspired, insipid, low-resolution shit already on there. We want these cave paintings treated like pictures of your slutty friends and stuff. Jerk off to them, and move on.”

“Did you see that guy do a sick loop in his stolen commercial airliner before committing suicide?” writes a reddit user. “Press F to pay respects.”

The caves, after being documented, will be demolished to make way for a planned 2021 extension to the Short Pump Mall in Richmond, Virginia.

Terror at 8chan after Hotwheels goes missing

Hotwheels gone dark

Is he leaving #QAnon stuck with the bill?

Hotwheels, the operator of an alternative imageboard generator, has gone missing after reports surfaced that Frederick Brennan – an intellectual powerhouse – is the engine propelling #QAnon and shepherds The Message all the way to the President’s rallies in Numbnuts, Florida.

They were smart people, because they were on acid. You have to have a god damn PhD in Chemistry just to take that stuff.

Dr. Armstrong H. Troudabour

The disappearance, while newsworthy, is unsurprising.

Brennan participates in the imageboards created on his platform, and has indicated in the past plans to escape off the grid, “should the axe ever come down.”

The axe is fallen, mon frere. Release the second report!

Anyone with information relating to Brennan’s whereabouts are urged to contact the Internet Chronicle News Desk, at (917) 675-4836. Warning: He is dangerous. He is a walking weapon.

Read the #QAnon report here first: The #QAnon Report II — What Will the President Do?

comin at ya from the underground

chronicle.su

Anonymous hacker Sabu 2.0 doxes QAnon. 8chan founder Frederick Brennan behind “Q” conspiracy

Meet Frederick “Hotwheels” Brennan, the man behind the QAnon campaign.

INTERNET– Tuesday, an Anonymous hacker and researcher known only as Sabu 2.0 posted the secret identity of QAnon on the underground hacker website pastebin.

With the use of Barrett Brown’s powerful Pursuance software, Sabu 2.0 — who has hinted at an inside affiliation with Mueller’s FBI investigation — tracked QAnon down as part of Anonymous operation #OpQ.

Sabu 2.0 wrote, “Simply put, QAnon is a psyop organized by Frederick Brennan, the founder of 8chan. He has been receiving inside information on the Trump Administration after hacking Steve Bannon’s phone,” wrote Sabu 2.0 in the press release posted on the hacker website pastebin.

Sabu 2.0 concluded his release with the typical Anonymous collective signoff, writing, “We are Anonymous. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Q should have expected us.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, digital anthropologist, told reporters, “Frederick Brennan came up with the idea for 8chan while tripping on psychedelic mushrooms and experiencing a ‘cosmic’ level of rage at rumors that game developer Zoe Quinn was sleeping with several prominent men in the gaming community. His reason for orchestrating the QAnon psyop likely stems from a similar reactionary rage coupled with drug abuse.”

The original Sabu, former hacker overlord of the Anonymous collective, was outed as an FBI agent by investigative reporters at Internet Chronicle in 2012. Sabu, now known as Hector Monsegur, declined to comment but has no apparent connections to Sabu 2.0.

Dr. Troubadour’s Summer Health Tips For an Alpha Male Physique

Sup Broski? Dr. Trubes here and have I got a Hot Heaping Helping of Summer Health Tips for YOU!

Reading totally blows dicks, but stay with me, betacucks, and you’ll come out on the other side a stronger, healthier, and more dominant, Alpha Male.

  • Angstrom H. Troubador’s new self-help health book for “bros,” Healthy as Fuck, is in stores now!

    Keep a buff summer body by poking yourself with steroids on a regular basis. But remember: If you’re not yet yelling at your best friends, you still haven’t taken enough.

  • Stay flexible by all the time looking over your shoulder. There might not be anybody there wanting to hurt you this time, but now your neck is limber and taught!
  • Use DMT. The dream molecule makes veteran fighter Joe Rogan STRONGER than a mule, because spiritual gains translate directly into muscle mass, bro. If you will it, dude, it is no dream!

How to get a six pack

Can you lift Steel? Go to any corner store and pay a man $15. Buy something with pep: Steel Reserve. Just kidding! *(we have fun here) And before we move on–

[THIS JUST IN]

CHRONICLE.SU RECALL ALERT

A popular pharmaceutical called TerrorMax has been recalled after reports the medicine was made in a laboratory situated on a uranium spill site. When Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals acquired the disaster area in 2013, they promised to use the site only for experiments, and not mass production.

An inside source close to the laboratory insists the drug was recalled because “the effect is unintentional.”

“It’s not necessarily bad,” the source said, “but you will get cancer in your pituitary gland.”

“Day and night we heard trucks dumping in the river,” Melody said. “Now everybody’s sick with Pituitary Strength TerrorMax. We didn’t ask for this! We bought REGULAR TerrorMax!”

It is now well known the site has been used as a medium scale production facility since at least March 2017, when Pituitary Strength TerrorMax was first introduced into Asian test markets.

News reporters gathered outside the Troubadour Hotel want to know:

Who are you wearing?

dr troubadour“Oh this? I’m wearing Gucci, baby. Ya piece of shit. And that’s my Lambo. It might lack the performance of a Ferrari. That’s because it’s a style car.

I’m Dr. fuckin’ Troubadour. You’re sick. Pay me.”

That’s Fake News

Terry is a Lebal Drocer Rewards member. He gets access to new drugs faster, and his prescriptions last LONGER! | chronicle.su
Terry is a Lebal Drocer Rewards member. He gets access to new drugs faster, and his prescriptions last LONGER!

“Dr. Troubadour gave me a prescription for percocets.”

Every week I put my life in this doctor’s soft, soft hands.

I don’t trust a man who won’t bang horse with me from the same needle. I trust Dr. Troubadour.

Do not approach Dr. Troubadour from behind.