PYONGYANG - Petulant rumors percolating after reports by Western media outlets slandered benevolent North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, falsely suggest the glorious leader has been deposed by his own cabinet.
But accoding to official sources, this rumor is Western propaganda. “Kim Jong Un is very proud of the liberal DPRK landscape, where healthy, legal marijuana grows as freely as elections,” an anonymous official stated on the trusted DPRK news site.
This is the last known photograph of Kim Jong Un sitting upright. Kim, now bed-ridden, is gleefully addicted to massively multiplayer online role-playing games.
The Internet Chronicle is pleased to report that not only is Kim Jong Un in top health, his aides indicate the dictator is safe and in charge on a bed composed entirely of living people, enjoying the finest Swedish pharmaceutical products.
Sources close to the Supreme Leader said the media frenzy surrounding his whereabouts have deeply agitated him, driving him further into terrific madness.
“He gets so bummed out when his advisors say he has to trot out and keep the people excited,” said Cho Seung Whuey, personal guard to Kim Jong Un. “He’s like, ‘let me keep playing CoD guys,’ and ‘fuck this.’ But yeah, that’s where he’s been. Gaming off.”
Blizzard Entertainment, creators of the popular Diablo, Warcraft and StarCraft franchises, said they recently investigated growing bandwidth use tying up their servers and emanating from North Korea.
“[Kim Jong Un] is responsible for 100% of the country’s traffic to Blizzard, operating one of the largest guilds in World of Warcraft and decimating South Koreans in both Starcraft and Starcraft 2 under the username DearLeader007,” Edward Nomura, Blizzard’s spokesperson, said.
Kim Jong Un’s epic bedridden gaming binge has once again popularized the Jouse 3, a mouth-controlled advanced joystick-operated plug-and-play solution for quadriplegics, which Un ordered after doctors installed a heroin drip to soothe his bed sores.
An inspired Kim Un got the idea after witnessing the great success of twitch.tv streamer NoHandsKen, who plays MMORPGs using the Jouse 3.
“Now he can just lay there like a fucking invalid,” Whuey said, “and continue to level up.”
Whuey praised Great Leader’s efficiency. He said he routinely feeds Un Cokes while the dictator, connected to various tubes and monitors, lies practically motionless aside from his constantly twitching mouth.
“For a while we had him hooked up to feeding tubes and a catheter,” Whuey said. “He looked like Darth Vader. We thought it was really cool.”
But Whuey said the catheter offered Great Leader little in the way of sexual creativity.
“He was laying on a human bed afterall,” Whuey explained. “So I said, ‘Why not just plug your dick into one of those young girls from the villages? You spend all this time gaming out on the human bed, so why not enjoy a human catheter?”
“Every so often he will thrust his hips,” Whuey said, “And you can tell he sort of enjoys that, sort of half-banging that young lady, and using her as a toilet also.”
Some medical problems have arisen by no fault of the leader. The girl has begun to yellow from jaundice, Whuey said, and became sick from Un’s waste.
“She appears to be dying from an extremely preventable embolism,” he said. “It is the kind of thing that can be avoided under normal circumstances, but this was best for the country.”
Journalist and geopolitical expert Geraldo Rivera said the People’s Revolution and Juche Ideology did not fully disseminate into Un’s heightened consciousness, but was attenuated by generations of inbreeding.
“He’s a third generation dictator,” Rivera, who is a noteworthy detractor of the DPRK, said. “By the time you get that far it’s all a life of delusion.”
Nancy Grace has publicly condemned the dictator’s salacious lifestyle, saying his decadent fantasies-come-true are a distraction from world politics.
“If you ask me,” Grace said, “he probably spent too much time a-layin on that human bed and not enough watching his empire.”
The Grimlies are beautiful this time of year and just the thing to spice up your social media feed.
TOURISM — Stare at your phone in awe and wonder as you take in the natural beauty of the Grimlies and enjoy the internet streaming from our thoroughly disguised 4g towers placed on the crest of every ridge. When visiting, keep your phone at the ready at all moments, because bears may appear at any time, and they are not only dangerous but valuable to your social media reach.
We have the most beautiful views for you to pose in front of for friends on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Twitter, including but not limited to mountains, waterfalls, and bubbling rivulets. Our Five Star restaurant prepares the most photogenic food available in the entire South, serving up plates in a dazzling array of colors in our well lit booths. Be creative, even on rainy or foggy days the woods can be magical. A visit to Grimlies National Park will surely gain enough likes to take your social media game to the next level.
Gaze in wonder as your affordable Grimilies National Parks augmented reality app turns your phone into a time machine, reviving long-dead Indians, Bison, and old growth forests so you can see history as it really happened. We’ve got fiber optic cabins available for those who want to share their excursion with blazing fast internet speeds not even available in most cities.
Pope Francis to underwrite millions of soldiers in a transnational Christian Army to tackle ISIS.
SEPTEMBER 11 — Pope Francis held a global council of Christian leaders from all creeds Thursday and declared a “New Crusade,” calling on “volunteer Christian soldiers” to oppose the rise of the New Islamic Caliphate (ISIS or ISIL). The Vatican has opened its deep coffers and can afford to pay exorbitant wages to “millions,” and promises to “create so many jobs no Christian will ever again go hungry.”
Already, almost a hundred thousand poor Christians have enrolled for war on the Pope’s new web site, crusade.org. An encyclical issued by the Pope outlined a crisp strategy for the crusade, saying, “The seat of the Eastern Orthodox Church in Constantinople, the Hagia Sophia, must be restored, and we must wipe Istanbul off of the map. The cancerous Islamic Caliphate must be utterly devastated and the endless killing across the Islamic world, especially in Palestine, must be totally suppressed. God calls on the poor to lift themselves out of poverty and win great riches securing the hearts and minds of Muslims in league with Satan himself.”
This announcement from Pope Francis comes on the anniversary of 9/11.
In an unprecedented display of power, the telcom giant Comcast has stationed a battery of private paramilitary forces around the insurrecting township of Ferguson, MO.
The industry giant’s spokesman, Jeremy Malestrong, said the need for intervention became apparent when existing customer service measures proved insufficient to quell the bubbling uprising.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
“The free market has a solution for Ferguson,” Malestrong said. “State and local customer service representatives armed with tanks, teargas and M-16s are not enough if the agents are unwilling to use them. Our Comcastic death squads will ensure the kind of customer service Comcast users are accustomed to by restoring stability to the region and answering Ferguson citizen complaints, all – and I mean all – of whom are loyal Comcast customers.”
Malestrong said privatized oppression is the next logical step of customer satisfaction, adding that the coming merger with Time Warner Cable could offer a direct solution to the problem of choice.[pullquote]There will be only one source of Internet: us!
“After the merger, our customers will no longer be forced into the uncomfortable decision of choosing where to go for the best Internet,” Malestrong said. “There will be only one source of Internet: us!”
Lieutenant Harry Coinpurse of the Ferguson County branch of Comcast customer service issued a press release stating that with the arrival of paramilitary hate forces, the Ferguson Police Department is free to return to the day-to-day police work of pulling over black people and asking where they’re headed.
“By way of the marriage of neoliberalism and socialized oppression,” Coinpurse stated, “we are proud to announce the dispersal of ALL dissatisfied Comcast customers, and will be expanding the curfew to include daytime hours so that you are safer indoors and have more time to spend on your secure, not-at-all monitored Comcast high speed Internet featuring 99.9% uptime.”*
Ferguson residents have issued a slew of responses to their reiterated enslavement ranging from satisfied, to very satisfied. In a survey at the end of the call, at least half of respondents said they would recommend Comcast Systematic Oppression of Justice to a friend.
*Conditions may apply; does not pertain to the entire Internet, and especially not to chronicle.su.
INTERNET — The video gamer atmosphere was heavier with repressed sexuality than ever before, and positive reviews of a video game called Depression Quest kept flying off the pages of game review publications. “A game that you have to read? And when you read it, its intention is not to make you have fun, it’s to make you feel depressed?” Few gamers paid Depression Quest any attention. After all, it was a game that was never intended for the exponentially growing demographic of pale, sexually repressed young men locked inside their houses.
Meanwhile, millions of gamers were fermenting their semen in the safe chamber of video game fantasy worlds where no one ever turned them down, but somehow they were still denied sex. It didn’t make sense, except as purposeful torture. Some latched onto a growing subculture of men, “Red Pillers” who broke out from the sex-deprived Matrix of female persecution by keeping score of “sex market value” and leveling up their physique. They didn’t date women, but rather gamed plates, the goal being to keep as many plates spinning as possible, like a juggler manipulating as many women’s emotions as their manhood could handle.
Depression Quest had no explosions and no sex, and the post-pubescent gamers were, as usual, balls deep in some violent first person shooter on a hot killing spree, perhaps shouting “rape!” in celebration. But everything changed when the ex-boyfriend of Depression Quest’s designer blew the lid off of his jilted case of personal repression. He’d been in the “sex zone” of Depression Quest’s cute nerd girl designer — every repressed gamer’s shock-blue-haired big titty wet dream. But somehow, he found himself cut out of the world of sexual gratification, and what was worse — he hadn’t been her only sex partner. It would not do for him to slink back to fantasy land with his engorged penis painfully bouncing between his legs. He would find a way to package his libidinal excesses and market them to his fellow gamers in pain. He would blow a hatenut that would launch ten trillion tortured sperm.
He did everything just right. He made all the connections and packaged them into a novel-length series of blogposts that showed he was not simply blaming and shaming his ex-girlfriend because she no longer touched his penis. Rather, it was a grand conspiracy involving all the largest video game bloggers and reviewers out there, and reading it I imagine that on the nights before Christian holidays bad game designers like his ex-girlfriend stuck video game controllers between their legs and flew off to a global black mass to have wild satanic ritualistic sex orgies and set the agenda for who would succeed in the gaming industry and who would not.
The collective libidinal discharge would personally target Depression Quest’s buxom designer while espousing an ideological rationalization that “Social Justice Warriors” were corrupting “Video Game Journalism” with feminist critique, which was not only unwelcome, but oppressive and evil. The shallowly concocted verbal tricks some used to paint their mass freakout as a moderate and sensible movement in opposition to a corrupt industry were so transparent only a pale, bent troll with eyes dazed from constantly staring into screens could think they were sound. Meanwhile, they traded nude pictures of Depression Quest’s designer and sent them to her friends, family, coworkers, and employers. They issued death threats, hacked her various social media accounts, and did whatever else they thought might provoke a reaction in the effigy that represented all their unsatisfied desires.
Some believed that something so monstrous could simply not happen, preferring rather to believe that it was only a small conspiracy of a few dastardly bandit hackers with thousands of sockpuppets that just made them appear as a multitude. But that’s putting too much faith in humanity, and taking the frenzied flock of screwy gamer sexuality at its word.
If they’d truly thought Depression Quest’s designer was ugly or truly hated her for being a feminist, there’d have been no pleasure in it for them. They didn’t care for one second about her game, the industry’s integrity, or any of the watery soup of bullshit they’d cooked up. And to be fair, there were probably just as many frustrations and inadequacies motivating them as there were people throwing abuse her way. But the witch hunt for Zoë Quinn was that special kind of sour grapes hate crush that’s familiar to any jilted ex-boyfriend. They zeroed in on her vulnerabilities, and any response from her, especially pain, must have triggered a masturbatory reverie among thousands of gamers.
As is so typical, they showed their hand when describing their imaginary opposition: “If you’re defending her, you just want to get laid!”
Robert Crumb will be deeply missed by his fans
FRANCE — Fans mourn the death of Robert Crumb, also known as R Crumb, who died suddenly Thursday from a rare exploded prostate. Crumb was known for his cartoon characters Fritz the Cat, Mr. Natural, and the album artwork on Janis Joplin’s Cheap Thrills.
Crumb ignited the Underground Comix movement in Haight-Asbury in the 60’s and was the subject of the documentary film Crumb. His iconic acid-inspired work has been entombed on the walls of museums everywhere and regularly fetches millions in major auctions.
Crumb’s vast fortune was disbursed to several charities, including the West Africa Ebola Foundation andthe Women’s Liberation Front. He was a lifetime fan of women with large legs, and his Devil Woman character inspired Queen’s hit single Fat Bottomed Girl. He was rumored to have had “easily one of the largest penises in the world.”
Commander X has risen through the ranks of Anonymous to become its most powerful leader yet.
INTERNET — Commander X, famed hacker from Anonymous, took credit for downing Facebook today with a powerful new cyber weapon known as Padmasambhava, named after the Commander’s Tibetan Buddhist roots. Commander X, also known as Chris Doyan, fled the United States in 2012 after facing charges for orchestrating a similar attack on Santa Cruz government web sites.
Commander X issued an official Anonymous press release which stated that Facebook will remain down until Barrett Brown is released from prison. At this point in time, the Department of Justice has not responded to Commander X’s demands, but it is generally not government policy to negotiate with terrorists.
Commander X continues his fight while in exile in Canada and was recently featured in a New Yorker article after penning his autobiography. In the past week, Commander X has orchestrated the doxing of several people who purportedly murdered Mike Brown, as well as launching “total cyber war” against the newly formed Islamic State. The Commander has also put out several official warnings to an army of “trolls” who oppose his new policies and leadership of Anonymous.
More on this story as it develops.
Whether you like it or not, the invisible hand of the sex market is stroking off alphas all over America
“One must take the Red Pill to escape to reality, outside of ideology, specifically Feminist Theory, the dominant ideology which suppresses all forms of masculinity. This is a force that acculturates mostly white American men into a standard ‘beta’ mindset and engenders an equal level of mutual respect and communication with women, resulting in the eternal friend zone effect. I took the Red Pill, and I entered the sex zone.” The sacred testimonial ~ Red Pill Bible.
How can I be alpha? Maintaining ‘frame’, redpill jargon for inhabiting the superior demeanor, is truly how one enters the highest echelon of breeding males, alphas. Red Pill’s description of the field and its interactions is mostly sound, and can transform determined betas into plate(wowan)-spinning(multi-fucking) alphas, especially with the application of daily weight-lifting and protein slime sucking procedures. The virulent upwelling and increased support for the counterfeminist ideology is buttressed by open misogyny, not just the implicit objectification of the plates.
Won’t people make fun of me? Statistics gathered by Gallup show that 94% of believers in Red Pill Theory have considered or attempted joining the military, and many believe the ideology was funded and designed by a black-budget military recruitment program. Red Pill has continued to swell at virulent, exponential rates. By their own theory, the sex market is at the historically best point possible for alphas, since Feminists and beta-indoctrination are at all time highs. It may not be long before the reborn Feminist-proof alphas crawling all over the streets transform the sex market back to something like what existed before feminism took hold, so you better get in on that whole scene quick before the sex market is re-saturated with alphas who will then be expelled, like newly hatched Zerg warriors, to infest and then replace the Islamic State.
What does this all mean for Geopolitics? In Russia, they make fun of our men. A country of betas with the best weapons in the world can lose it all to a few alphas with some balls to really do something big. Pussy Riot cannot save you. Only the Red Pill could save you, but it was all a lie designed by military social engineers to put some fight back into our population. Real alphas don’t need that fake masculinity funded with billions of black budget tax money going to waste and wrecking the economy. Real Alphas take Red Pills, Blue Pills, and acid. It triggers an ideology-based alternative to the original reality that is personal rather than influenced by Marx-style trans-historical deterministic fluxuations on the Sex Market. The revolution must begin within, before a beta can even ascend to sex-having beta status. God Bless you, and Alpha Up out there.
TOLEDO – Racial tensions have retracted to a flaccid normal in the wake of a massively lawful shooting that took place in Ferguson, Missouri.
But the shooting of an unarmed American teenager six times (including a 360 no-scope killshot) smack in the middle of a suburban street did not go by without controversy: many argue the unarmed teen stole snacks from a bodega, which makes the murder even more legal, and still others believe the police did not do enough to disperse rioters fast enough, causing horrendous traffic jams for local workers (that is, people with jobs who are too busy to protest every time the cops do their job), and one American company is poised to implement a policy that they say “will eventually pave the way for easier daily commutes for everyday Americans.”
In a press conference this morning, Jeep announced that from Ferguson onward, they will only offer their 201
The all new 2015 Jeep Patriot comes in an untainted, never-mixed white color.
5 Patriot model in one color: pure, powerful white.
“We have seen the future,” said Jeep CEO Mike Mannley from the Toledo Throne Room high atop Jeep’s manufacturing headquarters, “and the future is white in front of us.”
Jeep served reporters in attendance unlimited fresh water from Lake Eerie. During the presentation, they coddled the news media, allowed them to leave their cameras on all day, and asked each female reporter if recently they lost weight, because they look great.
“After watching the events unfold in Ferguson,” Mannley explained, “I think we all can agree that this animalistic behavior—protesting, looting, essentially just blocking traffic—might be okay for a wildlife refuge in Africa, but our American infrastructure – our pavement laid by generations of God-fearing Patriots – is reserved for gasoline intensive sport utility vehicles, and high performance petroleum-based tires.” [pullquote]Our precious bodily fluids must not be adulterated by the virulent savages we got running loose down in Missoura.
- Jeep CEO Michael White Mannley[/pullquote]
Jeep’s decision to apply their “whites-only” policy to just the Patriot model is said to be the first phase of a unanimous decision by their board of all-white directors to steer marketing in what they see as the right—or white—direction.
Phase Two will reportedly see their popular “Cherokee” model changed to a more “appropriate” name. While nothing is yet confirmed, a leaked list of contenders for the name changed include: Redskin, Gas Huffer, and the all-new Jeep Squaw Hopper. The company is keeping quiet about a “Final Solution” in the works, but as one anonymous factory worker at the Toledo Complex put it, “Let’s just say we may finally be heating up that industrial strength oven…”
The Patriot is one of Jeep’s most popular and patriotic models. It remains to be seen whether a move to all-white Patriots might alienate the growing majority of non-white minorities in this country – but sources close to the industry hope so – if only for Detroit’s sake.
But as we here at the Internet Chronicle say: If it ain’t white, it ain’t right.
NSA’s HATEFINGER has been deployed to quell the spread of “virulent domestic unrest” in Ferguson
INTERNET — The NSA, seeing that the flow of data into and out of Ferguson, Missouri was inevitably leading to a nationwide anti-police revolution, “pulled the plug,” as an Anonymous NSA leaker told Internet Chronicle. The active weapon, codenamed HATEFINGER, overwhelms domain name servers, which act as interpreters for internet protocol addresses and make up the most vulnerable part of internet infrastructure. Network Scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Oh if the NSA wanted to drop the whole internet with domain name server attacks, I’m sure it’s well within their capabilities. Snowden’s shown their capabilities far exceed such a simple attack.”
Now that Ferguson protesters are to blame for nationwide internet outages, the public has lost sympathy for their cause. “It wasn’t enough that they had to loot and mess things up for everyone,” Gerald Darey, 56, of St. Louis said. “But now I can’t get on my facebook or my other, more important web sites that I pay good money to view. I’m about to lose my mind and just run out in the streets like an animal, myself, with my hands up in the air.”
Critic of the government and supporter of the Anonymous insurrection, Dr. Cecilia Darwin, refused to blame the protesters for triggering such dramatic clampdowns by the government and instead pointed her finger at the government clampdown itself, saying, “This is yet another case of militarized police, or more specifically, policified military. The NSA is supposed to be a code-breaking wing of the military, and by deploying HATEFINGER on the US populous this is a clear use of the military for domestic policing. The founding fathers intended, with the most-neglected amendment, the third, that military shouldn’t be brought into civilian populations to police or control, because they saw what happened at the Boston Massacre and they didn’t want that to happen again. But in Ferguson we see this happening every day, and because the founders obviously failed in phrasing the third amendment in a way that would withstand the test of time, now we have the military in our computers, in our streets, and maybe citizens aren’t forced to house them, but the effect is just the same. War on the streets of the homeland, war inside our domestic communications devices. This has to stop.”